Care to Remember – Chapter Two: I like women, not blokes
"What the hell was that, Sirius?" Remus fixed him with a glare, hastily wiping off his face with the back of his hand. For a split second Sirius returned the glare, but then an overwhelming look of sadness and fear consumed his features.
Sirius' heart started to hammer while simultaneously dropping towards his feet, "It was… it was just a kiss, love."
"What? Just a kiss? Love?" To Remus there were many things wrong with that sentence. While he and Sirius were always very affectionate to each other – Remus just supposed that Sirius was a very affectionate person and showed his love through physical contact – Sirius had never kissed him! He also never only called someone 'love.' It was always paired with darling, sugar, sweetheart, and maybe he would say, "James/Remus/Peter, my love!" when he really wanted something. However, Remus had never heard him call someone his love seriously, not even past girlfriends. Remus wondered what had happened to him that would want to make Sirius so overly affectionate. Did he almost die?
Remus remembered during one of his more gruesome transformations, before James fully acquired his Animagus form, Remus had punctured his own chest only centimeters away from his heart. The morning after, Remus woke to Sirius lying in bed with him, obviously paying extremely close attention to Remus' physical state. He would lightly touch some of Remus' healed wounds and give gentle caresses, but never go so far as to kiss him just because he had woken up. What the hell happened?
"Did something go wrong in potions today? Last time I checked, you were shacking up with that Abbott bird from Ravenclaw," Remus exclaimed while smiling, trying to make light of the situation. Letting his eyes close while still smiling, Remus slumped back into his starchy pillows. He then quickly set his mind to work, trying to recall the last things he remembered to see if they would account for his circumstances and Sirius' bizarre reaction.
Only moments later, James entered the hospital room with Lily trailing him wearing a very large and very ugly Christmas sweater. Remus sat up again and finally took a good look around the private room, which was clearly not the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts. James seated himself on the chair opposite of the bed and pulled Lily to sit in his lap.
"I'm glad to see you're awake, Remus." James was smiling, but the smile was strained and the crinkle at the edge of his eyes was missing. "How do you feel?"
Remus sat up in his bed again. "You're all acting very strange. Lily, why are you anywhere near James?" Remus moved from staring at Lily to looking analytically back and forth between James and Sirius. "And why do both Sirius and James have a full beard of stubble? They can't even grow a proper mustache yet…" He trailed off, rubbing his face, "and why do I…?" Remus looked down. "Why are my hands so big?" He said, moving his hands in front of his face, flexing his fingers.
Lily moved to the left side of Remus, facing him. Gently, she lifted his left hand in both of hers. Remus lifted his unnaturally vibrant, golden eyes to meet Lily's emerald ones. He noticed that her face seemed more defined than he last remembered.
"Remus, darling, what is the last thing you remember?" Her voice was soft and compassionate.
"We were sitting by the lake in our jumpers watching the giant squid crack the ice. Why? Lily, what's going on?"
"What was the date that day, Remus?"
"…December 14, 1976."
Sirius dropped his head into his hands. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees as the silence of the room was only cut by the strangled sob Sirius managed to half stop in his throat, muffled by his palms. Wiping watery eyes with the back of his hands, he sat up and longingly gazed at Remus before quickly looking away and seeking comfort in James' eyes.
"Padfoot," James moved to the seat next to Sirius. "The healers said this was what most likely happened. Be happy that he even remembers us, even remembers anything."
Dropping his head back into his hands, Sirius mumbled, "I'm so grateful he remembers me…but, James…"
Sirius' voice dropped even lower, "I got ahead of myself when he woke up and kissed him… James, he punched me in the chin. I didn't even kiss Remus until the Christmas Holidays. He doesn't remember any part of our relationship…"
James slung his arm around Sirius, pulling him into a fierce one-armed hug. James couldn't imagine what he would do if Lily woke up one day and went back to believing James was just an arrogant jerk. James closed his eyes and hugged tighter.
While Remus could not hear the last part of what Sirius had said, he realized that James – and Sirius especially – looked devastated.
Unfortunately, just by looking at them and hearing them talk, Remus had a decent idea of what happened to him. He was no fool. He couldn't pretend that nothing severe had happened.
Heart thudding, he turned to Lily and squeezed her hand.
"Lily?" Remus said much too calmly.
All eyes turned towards Remus.
"What is today's date?" He asked.
"December the fifth, 1979."
"There wasn't a potions accident, was there, Lily?"
"No, there wasn't."
"Lily, was I hit with an Obliviate?" Remus' voice broke. He dragged his hands across his face, rubbing both eyes.
"…Yes. You were on a mission for the Order of the Phoenix yesterday. Do you remember Dumbledore telling you about The Order?" Remus nodded. "Regulus Black cast an Obliviate at Sirius and it bounced off his shield and hit you." Lily pulled him in for a hug. "I'm so sorry, Remus. I'm also so glad you remember me. I was so afraid I had lost one of my best friends."
Sirius watched the overwhelming emotions going across Remus' face before he buried his face once again into Lily's neck, pulling her tighter. He wanted so badly just to hold Remus, kiss him, and tell him that they would work through everything together. If only he angled his shield a little differently. He should have been more cautious. He was lulled into a false sense of security by so many successful missions. How stupid could he have been?
James saw the yearning in Sirius' face and knew that his heart must be breaking. He could not believe that Remus punched him for a simple kiss. James knew that Sirius was scared for anymore rejection. Sirius has always been terrified of being rejected by Remus. Rather than sit there and watch his two best mates suffer, James pulled on Sirius' sleeve and brought him to the bed. James placed himself next to Lily and guided Sirius between himself and Remus. Slowly, James brought his arm around Lily and motioned for Sirius to do the same to Remus. Slowly, Sirius brought a bent leg to rest between Remus' back and the pillows. He then wrapped an arm around James' shoulder, the other wrapped tentatively around Remus' middle, his chest pressed against most of Remus' back. Sirius then rested his forehead onto Remus' shoulder. He breathed deeply, reveling in the familiarity. At first, Remus stiffened, but then he shuddered another suppressed sob and sagged into the embrace. Sirius pulled tighter around his lover, his friends – his family.
So much had happened in the last twenty-four hours that Sirius just wanted to forget. Forget Peter had betrayed them, forget Remus rejected his touch, forget that Remus had forgotten their relationship, and forget that it wasn't possible for Remus to regain those memories – Sirius pressed damp eyes into Remus' shoulder. Sirius tried to clear his mind and just focus on Remus sitting there against his chest. Trying to regulate his breathing, Sirius turned his head towards Remus neck, relying solely on his senses.
Soon the only sound in the room was the even, synchronized breathing of the group, each member perfectly content to just sit for however long the others needed their comfort.
Remus didn't know how long he had been sitting there, surrounded by the people he considered his family, when suddenly James squeezed his shoulder and pulled away.
The werewolf closed his eyes tighter as Sirius grasped him closer. It seemed to Remus that Sirius needed his reassurance, so Remus leaned farther into Sirius' chest. Sirius mumbled something over Remus' shoulder and only gripped the man in his arms closer to him.
It was barely seconds later that James placed his hands on Sirius' shoulders and gently pulled him away.
"Let's go Padfoot. Dumbledore wants to see us."
Slowly, Sirius disentangled himself. Both James and Sirius stood next to Remus and Lily. Remus sat up straight, still holding Lily's hand.
Sirius' pallor was still lacking color, but his voice held steady. "We'll be back in a moment, Moony. Dumbledore just wants to chat with us for a mo'."
After the door was shut behind them, Sirius sagged into a St. Mungo's chair. Taking deep breaths, he rested his elbows and raked his fingers through his hair. Gathering himself, he stood again and addressed his old headmaster.
"Hello, Dumbledore." Regardless of how many times he had asked, James and Sirius could not bring themselves to call the man they so respected by his first name. "I know we can't bring his memories back, the Healers said as much. But isn't there anything we can do?"
"Hello, Sirius," Dumbledore's eyes were soft and wise, a welcome sight for Sirius. "While you're right, there is no way for me to bring Remus' memories back, I have an idea that might help. I am procuring all of the necessary items. I should have them ready in my office at Hogwarts within a couple weeks."
"Thank you, sir." In this time of darkness, Dumbledore always knew how to raise Sirius' hopes.
"Now, gentlemen, I want to bring up this matter with you both to make absolutely sure that you are able to do this before I breach the subject with Lily and Remus." The Headmaster looked them both in the eye over his half-moon spectacles. "I believe that it is imperative that you act as if nothing happened. Only you, Remus, Lily, Regulus and I know about what has happened. The Healers that came to see you are also sworn to secrecy. I do not believe Regulus will tell anyone what occurred in that pub and risk the wrath of whomever he tells. Do you believe that this is possible?"
James and Sirius gave each other an accessing look with an ease that comes with being best mates for over a decade.
"I…believe it's possible, sir," James said.
"Excellent. I do trust that this is the best course of action for all. Now, we must move onto the subject of Pettigrew." James and Sirius' eyes filled with hatred and the pain of betrayal.
"Sir, do you think we should discuss this here?" Sirius brought out his wand and looked around.
"Not to worry, I warded this area of St. Mungo's myself. No one will hear anything we don't want them to. Any eavesdroppers will believe they are hearing a conversation about the blueberry conditions in Wales this summer."
Of course, James thought, of course Dumbledore would pick something as insane as that.
"I know this is also a tender subject, and I want to tell you both now: before Remus was struck, I was sending him on missions with different werewolf clans that Voldemort was attempting to recruit from. He was not to tell anyone else of these missions. I knew there was a spy in our midst, and I apologize for keeping him in secrecy, but I could not be too careful. I also apologize if this caused any mistrust."
"No," James said, running his hand through his dark hair. "We should have trusted Remus when he said he was on a mission for the Order." James sighed. "He doesn't remember now, but I still feel like I should apologize."
"Me too." Sirius' voice was soft. "Even I had my doubts. And none of us expected Peter. Out of everyone, not Peter. I was even thinking that – should I choose a dangerous mission – to trade with him as your and Lily's secret keeper… Merlin, that would have been terrible." Sirius' breathing became more erratic just thinking of what could have happened. James looked stricken, also dwelling on what could have been.
Dumbledore placed his hands on James' and Sirius' shoulders. "We have learned the truth in time, and there is no point in thinking of what might have been. I believe it is in our best interest to act as if you know nothing around Peter if you come in contact with him before the Order meeting. Try limiting your interaction, but not to a point of suspicion."
"That shouldn't be hard," James said. "He's gone a couple weeks without seeing us before. The next meeting is in a week and two days, next Wednesday. That shouldn't be difficult."
"James," Sirius gripped his forearm, "Please don't leave your house. I haven't told him where you live. I never even told Remus. I'm scared for you, and Lily, and my godson." Sirius couldn't help but smile slightly at the mention of his future godchild.
"James, Sirius," with his soft words, Dumbledore brought their attention immediately back to him. "When Peter comes to the meeting, please do not try to apprehend him yourself. I will inform you of my plan once I have finalized it. Now," Dumbledore clapped his hands. "I am going to speak to Lily and Remus about maintaining normality. I trust that you will tell Remus what normal is for him – and, Sirius, I will be ready to help with this in a few weeks, my boy. I will also leave it to you to tell Remus and Lily about Peter. You are both welcome to join me in the room so that you all remain on the same plain of thinking."
"Sir, there is one more thing we must tell you," Sirius said, moving towards Remus' hospital door. "Peter takes the Animagus form of a rat. Why didn't I see it? Even his Animagus form was of a rat, a sneak, a spy!"
"That is helpful information Sirius, but don't think I didn't know. And I am aware of both of your forms as well. Padfoot, Prongs," Dumbledore's eyes held their tell-tale twinkle.
As Sirius reached for the door, James smiled, "Nothing at Hogwarts ever gets past you, does it?"
Sirius opened the door.
Once Sirius and James exited Remus' room to talk with Dumbledore, Lily immediately squeezed Remus' hand to gain his attention. "I know you must have some questions, Rem."
Of course he had questions. He just had no idea where to start. Someone should have written a book on what to do if you're ever Obliviated… Remus thought wryly.
"Lily, what's happened since then? I need to know everything. I'm going to feel pretty useless if I don't know. I mean, it's not just the events, it's all of the spells I've forgotten, the knowledge I've lost. "
"You would immediately go to your learning, Rem," Lily smiled a half smile. "I'll tell you everything you want to know. However, there are some things you'll want to hear from James and Sirius."
"Lils?" Lily smiled at her nickname, glad that it was still a part of Remus' memories. "Where's Peter? I haven't –"
Remus was cut off, however by the buzzing and blinking of the Healers' call button. It was a sign that a Healer was about to Apparate into a room. Remus was quite familiar with this because of his monthly visits to St. Mungo's as a child. Only seconds later, a young Healer, obviously no older than his mid-twenties popped into existence.
"Hello, Mr. Lupin. My name is Healer Bellus. I need to check you first for any physical damages that might still remain, and then I'm going to ask you some questions that I'm going to need you to answer as thoroughly and honestly as you can." Healer Bellus flashed him a stunning smile before taking out his wand and asking Lily if she could please move to a chair so that Remus could lie down. After Lily obliged, Healer Bellus placed his large, olive toned hands on Remus' shoulders to guide him into a comfortable position against the pillows.
Once the suave Healer finished all of his examinations, he mentioned, slightly gloomily, that he would be seeing one of his superiors before being discharged. In a swift mood swing, he flashed Remus another smile, winked and Disapparated from the room.
Startled by the Healer's odd behavior, Remus still had a wary expression when Lily finally tore her eyes off the spot from which the gorgeous Healer had left.
"Remus! He was all over you!" Lily laughed.
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't be dense! Didn't you notice that he never stopped smiling at you? Or that his hands were always touching you?"
"He's just a nice Healer, and he was examining me." Remus was happy that he was at least healthy, from Healer Bellus' reports.
"You can deny it, Rem, but that dazzling Healer wanted you. Don't you even think he was a little attractive? I'd give you the nod in a tick to go after that one!" Lily smiled again. It was the first smile, Remus noticed, that actually lit up her eyes.
"What are you on about, Lils?"
It was at this time that Sirius opened the door.
Remus continued, wanting to maintain Lily's improved mood, "Maybe if that "dazzling" – he looked a bit up himself to me – Healer didn't have any bits down there and a nice set up here, I would go. Seriously, Lily, what are you on about? I like women, not blokes."
Sirius stood frozen at the door.
A.N – I just want to say a HUGE thank you to my two brilliant Betas - The Marauder Named Prongs and Heart of Spellz!
I can't thank you both enough for your time and your feedback. You both did an excellent job. I really appreciate it.
Everyone else:
I hope you enjoyed reading! Feedback is always appreciated.