Title: Come Dine With Sherlock and John
Summary: Based on a prompt to have John as a contestant on the Channel 4 show Come Dine With Me. Chaos ensues.
Warnings: Crack (but plot-filled crack).
Parings: Hinted Sherlock/John. But you can ignore it if you want.
Disclaimer: I own neither show.
A/N: Thanks for all the fab reviews. We're now moving towards *gasp* actual plot. Also I've just posted a one-shot story for this fandon called Secrets of Molly. Feel free to check it out if you are liking this.
John's smile froze. "Lolli?"
"John!" squealed Lolli. She threw her arms around him like a long lost sister (which wasn't so far off the mark.) "Oh my gawd!"
The cameramen, recognising this recognition, frantically summoned Petra who came down the stairs looking ill-humoured.
"You know each other?" she asked suspiciously, as though they'd planned it all along.
"Gawd yeah!" said Lolli. "I went out with John's sister for two years in Uni."
John nodded grimly. There was nothing like the memory of finding your (as far as you'd known, straight) sister and Lolli in bed together to make an awkward situation even more cripplingly awkward.
"It's been what, ten years?" she added.
"'Bout that."
Lolli looked, astonishingly, exactly the same as John remembered. He'd assumed she would grow out of it, but here she was with waist length burgundy hair in two plaits, a red 1950s dress, black tights, stilettos, and a spiky dog-collar.
Petra reeled off a load of guidelines from the documents they'd signed. "Contestants can't have connections outside of the game," she said severely. "It's against policy."
"But-" Lolli pouted, "we don't. It was an accident. Sheer dumb luck."
"We can pretend we don't know each other if you like," John suggested.
Petra scowled, and glanced back upstairs as though working out how difficult it would be to disband the episode production at this late stage.
"Fine," she sighed. "We'll reshoot the entrance scene – but if anyone gets wind of this the whole thing will be called off."
It was almost a relief when John was at last able to return to the kitchen and begin prepping the fiendishly difficult starter. It didn't help that although Sherlock neither cooked nor socialised, he was both a backseat chef and host. In the space of ten minutes John had received fifteen texts reminding him to smile, what conversation to bring up, what to tell them about himself, and for god's sake – don't burn the tartlets.
"So, what did you graduate in?" asked Sarah as she examined the graduation photograph Sherlock had artfully left out (where he had found it John had no idea.)
"Uh, medicine," said John as he pulled the plates out of the oven. "I'm a doctor."
He turned to refresh their drinks, feeling better now that Jordan and Lolli were gone from the room. They were in the bedroom, shooting the 'snooping around the house' scenes. This only comforted him until he remembered that Sherlock had been the last person in that room and who knew what things he'd left in there to make them look like an authentic couple.
"So you're a GP then?" asked Danny.
"No," John said, "I was an army Doctor. I've not been back long."
Sarah looked interested for the first time, apparently realising that acting snobbish to a heroic doctor would lessen her popularity both in the game and to the public.
"You finished your tour then?" she asked.
"Uh, no, I was injured in the line of duty."
He could hear Sherlock's voice in his head screaming at him to modestly mention the gunshot wound – but flaunting his traumatic injury on camera was something he wasn't going to stoop to. He hastily returned to dishing up.
In the bedroom the two members of the group who would be painted as 'flamboyant' were doing their snooping act for the camera.
Neither were as interested as they were making out to be – Jordan because he wasn't that interested in his fellow contestants, and Lolli because she already knew John. They didn't know how fortunate they were that Sherlock had arranged the room – because they would almost certainly have died of boredom in the Spartan room otherwise.
"This must be the boyfriend," said Jordan peering at a photograph of Sherlock and John.
"Boyfriend?" squeaked Lolli rushing to peer at the photo. "I didn't think he was gay!"
Jordan flicked his eyes nervously at the camera, not wanting to appear either gay or homophobic. "Must be. Two lots of clothes in here. His guy wears a lot of suits."
"Yeah," said Lolli, sounding amazed but not wanting to give the game away. "Cute couple."
"Oh man!" called Jordan. He moved to the dresser where Sherlock had left a large amount of weapons. The cameramen zoomed in as Jordan picked up a large ornate knife. "Kinky!"
"Who has these in the bedroom?" whistled Lolli as she took the knife from him and inspected it. She made an experimental stabbing motion. "Woah."
"There're knuckle-dusters too," snorted Jordan. "Man, this guy has hidden depths..."
Finally the first course was ready and the guests sat down to eat with over-enthusiastic enjoyment. John didn't particularly care whether they liked his food (other than for financial gain) and so he accepted their polite comments without bothering to analyse them further.
The conversation turned personal, he answered questions about Afghanistan as vaguely as possible, and then spent a humiliating few minutes being asked about the assortment of weaponry in the bedroom. Not to mention the skull which Sherlock had promised to hide and had in fact left in the bathroom.
It was official, he was going to spent the rest of his life known as Sherlock Holmes boyfriend with the death kink.
It didn't help that Lolli was finishing for information about his relationship – or at least attempting to without letting anyone know she'd known him when he was heterosexual (he still was, he reminded himself hastily.)
After the starter he stood to prepare the main course, and the guests took turns to sit in the 'spare bedroom' and give their opinions on the starter. He was just arranging the beef on the plates (as best he could with a camera and sweaty cameraman four inches from his face) when the door open and Sherlock strolled in.
"Sherlock!"
John felt mixed emotions upon seeing his flatmate come 'boyfriend'. Relief at the presence of someone he knew, joy at being around someone who didn't care about culinary skills, and deep hatred at being in the same room as the lunatic who had signed him up for this in the first place. Relief won out and he didn't have to work very hard to fake his welcoming expression.
"I'm here for the entertainment section," he said cheerily. "Are they ready?"
John doubted very much whether anyone could be ready for entertainment provided by Sherlock, but he still had a mountain of vegetables to prepare, so he led Sherlock over to the guests. It was only as he turned his back to carry on cooking that it finally fully sank in that Sherlock would be alone with these people. Entertaining them.
He froze and strained to hear what Sherlock was saying.
"-your between-course entertainment for tonight...I do a mentalist act. John thought it would be an excellent way for people to get to know each other."
Oh did I, thought John.
"Like Derren Brown?" said Danny.
John winced. If Sherlock didn't already have a lifetime's supply of arch-enemies John was sure Derren Brown would have been on the list. Nothing sent his flatmate ape more than being compared to Derren Brown.
"Kind of. Only much better. MUCH." Sherlock's soft-voiced act wobbled slightly and John knew how much allowing the comparison was costing his friend. He must really want to win this thing.
Surprisingly, the act went better than expected. Though John was only listening while he worked, he almost wished he was in there enjoying it. Sherlock's knowledge of the guests was astonishing, even though John was used to it.
"Oh my god! How did you know I have two brothers called Evan and Chris?" said Sarah.
"You don't have any pets though," said Sherlock thoughtfully. "How very unusual for a vet."
Sarah gasped at this revelation. "No way! That's amaaazing."
He was no less astounding towards the others. He correctly gathered that Jordan had bought his mother a make-over session for her birthday, that Lolli was planning to buy a house with her girlfriend, and that Danny's favourite holiday of all time was the week he had spent in Greece with his first girlfriend. This performance won his a round of applause, and because Sherlock couldn't resist showing off he took a few moments to delight the guests with facts about the crew (Petra had worked as a secretary for five years, Morgan had recently been given a Porche by her boyfriend, and the surliest of the cameramen collected Star Wars memorabilia.)
Thankfully John was ready to serve up before Sherlock stopped at mere fun facts about the group – who knew what he might blurt out if he got carried away (having his friend announce the groups darkest secrets on national television might seriously damage his chances of winning and both their chances of making it through the night alive.)
If only, John thought later, he'd know how close to the mark that final thought was.
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