A/N: I might possibly be a terrible person, or just extremely suggestible. Crackfic time again - prompts by juri.

Warnings for disturbing content and utter tastelessness. Completely AU, of course.

Five More Things That Never Happened

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I. Touch

Firm hands drifted across her skin.

"Mmph," she murmured sleepily.

There was a brush against her ear, ticklish enough to make her sneeze. Something slid down between her shoulders, two more hands cradling the curve of her ass, with another frustrating point of pressure nudging at her thighs...

Wait.

Sylvanna turned her head, meeting four pairs of eyes. She screamed loudly in the face of her nightmare, the brutal mandibles, the spindly limbs, the dark and hairy abdomen. Morrigan shifted back to human form and began to laugh.

"I hate you," she sniffled, and blushed to see Morrigan's smile.

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II. Pride

She observed herself carefully in the contraption of tin and glass. Hands traced over skin, no longer unblemished and smooth, exacting fingers pinching and prodding flesh until she was close to bruising.

Discarded on the bed lay her cowl and scarf, the dress that had served her well beguiling foolish men and drawing many a wandering eye. No more. Leering gazes and heated words were a thing of the past. She did not miss it, not a bit: the false adulation and the clumsy gropes of drunken sots.

Morrigan picked up her sensible, modest gown, and her fingers trembled.

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III. Salt

"But I love you," Sylvanna protested, eyes suspiciously moist.

"Were you imagining a Chantry wedding?" Morrigan sneered. "A blessing from some frigid crone, the fanfare of trumpets, the taking of vows?"

Sylvanna fumbled, gaze downcast. "I only meant-"

"You meant to bind me with promises I could never hope to keep."

Tears began to fall, the elf's eyes reddening, her whole body trembling with the effort to suppress her sobs.

"Do not speak to me of this again," Morrigan warned, and Sylvanna nodded, her chin damp in Morrigan's hand.

She kissed her then, tasting the bitterness of broken dreams.

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IV. Echo

Something tapped against the glass.

The King of Ferelden scrambled for his sword, heartbeat racing. He stepped towards his wife's chamber, but the sound rang out again - rat-a-tat, from outside his room.

His veins burned with the taint, mesmeric. He pressed close to the wall, the window within reach.

Rain poured in when he flung open the glass, sword brandished against nothing. The fire in his blood receded, even as cool sleet covered his skin. Shivering, he watched for movement over dark gables and spires, but the night kept her secrets well.

The sound followed him into sleep.

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V. Touch, reprise

"Again?" Sylvanna groaned, as a hairy limb nudged her cheek. She sprawled, reaching for a sheet; it was cold underground. Mandibles clicked near her head.

"I'm tired," she protested, snapping her fingers for a light. She squinted in the sudden brightness, and the spider reached for her; tender, exploratory. The texture against her skin made her shiver.

She gazed up at the warning instinct in her gut; the spider withdrew, its alien face unreadable. Creamy, sticky web hit her face a moment later, a poisoned barb silencing her magic.

It wasn't her fault. All spiders looked the same.

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And One Thing That Might Happen

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I. Imperative

The blow was completely unexpected, and it sent Morrigan reeling.

"You should have another baby," Ishantha said.

She stuttered for words. "A what?"

"A boy this time," her daughter continued, eyes gleaming. "Someone pliable to lead my soldiers."

Morrigan calmed her nervous heart. "Is that not the purpose you intend for your father?"

"I will have many armies," Ishantha insisted. "I can have more than one general."

Never again, she had vowed, battered and bloody, as she held her newborn daughter. "Let us discuss this later," Morrigan said carefully, and fled.

Perhaps a new kitten would provide adequate distraction.

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Prompts:

I - Morrigan startles Sylvanna after sex by shapeshifting into a spider.
II - Morrigan's breasts suffer the ravages of time.
III - Sylvanna brings up the issue of marriage.
IV - Continuation of The Little Darkspawn Who Could.
V - Continuation of I.
I - Ishantha asks for a little brother or sister. Apparently this was supposed to be a conversation with Sylvanna, but oh well. I might try fixing it again next round.

A/N: With many thanks from both of us to interesting2125, Misdirection, Restless Goddess, wayfaringpanda and Zero-Vision for the reviews. :)