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Chapter 4 - Not Ready to Make Nice

I'm through with doubt

There's nothing left for me to figure out

I've paid a price

And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice

I'm not ready to back down

I'm still mad as hell and

I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right

I probably wouldn't if I could

'Cause I'm mad as hell

Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

- "Not Ready To Make Nice", Dixie Chicks

I woke up feeling like shit.

I knew these days would be coming.

It was the middle of September. I had two weeks till it was the beginning of October; to the one year mark.

I dragged myself out of bed at noon. Something I never did, even when I was sick. When I walked into the bathroom, I saw a note on the mirror.

B-
I hope the kitchen is clean enough for your OCD. Call me if you need me. I'm at Jasper and Emmett's baking today. Mini carrot cakes. I knew you would want some space. Jasper told me he mentioned Jake yesterday before the game and I about killed him. You're strong, you can do it. No one thinks you're weak, so get it out of your head. Love you!
-A

She was my best friend for a reason.

I walked to the kitchen thinking about starting some coffee before a shower. Once I saw the kitchen I groaned. Alice tried, but my OCD got the best of me. I started the coffee and stomped back down to the bathroom.

Today I would shower, scrub the kitchen, shower again, and go to bed. Tomorrow was Monday, so I had to get this mood behind me.

I was in a pair of Jake's underwear that he had left at my house before he left the last time, a sports bra, and purple rubber gloves up to my elbows. I was alone in the apartment scrubbing the kitchen with Comet. Papa Roach was on loud in the background.

No matter how much I tried focusing on the music, Jake stayed in the front of my brain.

I thought Jake would be the man I would marry, but now I knew I wouldn't, because I couldn't.

I met Jake my sophomore year of college while in Australia for a research project. I was at a bar in Cairn's with the other students when I met him. He was in the Marines, stationed an hour and a half away from where I lived.

When the night ended, he asked for my number so he could call me when he got back to the States in a month. I gave him my address and told him he could write to me. When I arrived home two weeks later, I had three letters from him waiting for me.

We began writing back and forth for a few months before I gave him my number. When we had only talked on the phone for a few weeks until he decided that he was going to come and visit me for the weekend. I freaked out. I lived with my parents - how was I going to explain to them that a guy was going to spend the weekend with me? Shockingly, they loved him instantly.

Alice loved him. My parents loved him. I loved him. He loved me.

He spent every weekend at my house from then on. For a year, we lived together on the weekends. We always had little trips, like going to the zoo or the beach, to make up for not being able to see each other throughout the week.

The spring of my junior year, he showed up on a Tuesday evening. Something was wrong. We went for a walk and he told me that he was going to be shipped out to Afghanistan in a few months. A few months.

He took me home to meet his family. Home to Oregon, not far from Eugene.

We spent every second we could together. When the time came to say goodbye, he told me that when he came home he was going to marry me.

I prepared for not being able to talk to him on the phone, and only by letters; just like when we first met.

He left the fourth of July, how patriotic. We wrote letters back and forth non-stop. I had even gotten to know his parents over the phone.

October 13th of my senior year, Jake's mom called me and asked me to sit down. She told me Jake had been killed. He had been killed on his birthday. He had been killed a month short of coming home.

Shaking my head, I brought myself back to reality. Did I hear knocking? I got up and paused Papa Roach, heading for the door. There was someone knocking. I swung it open to find a tall blond in front of me with piercing blue eyes.

She spoke before I could, "Wow, I got lucky in the neighbor department. I'm Rose. I heard the music, so I thought I would come and introduce myself."

I stood, baffled. "I'm Bella. Want to come in?" I looked down at myself, basically naked in rubber gloves. "Let me put on clothes and I can get you something to drink."

I opened the door for her and let her in as I ran off to my room. I hurried and changed into a wife-beater and jeans. As I walked back into the living room, I found my neighbor looking at the photos of Alice and me over our fake fire place.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

She turned around with grace I couldn't buy, "Water would be great."

I smiled and went to my now spotless kitchen to get some for the both of us.

"I didn't know if this was a bad time to introduce myself with Papa playing. I usually listen to it when I'm super pumped or incredibly pissed off." As she talked she made her way to the kitchen. "I'm guessing this was a pissed off Papa day."

Holding the water out to her, I tried to smile, "You nailed that on the head."

"Bad?"

"Real bad." I sat down on the couch and she followed.

"Well, I work at Trader Joe's so I've always got wine. How about I make you and the girl in the photos dinner? I see you two coming and going about the same time I do during the week."

"I would love that. Today hasn't been the best and I don't feel like cooking."

"Who's in the photos with you?"

"Oh sorry, that's Alice. She is my best friend and roommate. I'm sorry about the music by the way, I didn't realize that it was so loud."

"No worries, really. I'm happy you're whose living next door. A little old couple lived here before, they were sweet but I could walk down the hall and they would complain about the noise."

"We would have come over to meet you earlier this week, but I just started working and I go to grad school. Alice is trying to find a job while interning at the newspaper."

Rose set her cut on the coffee table and popped up from the couch, "Come over at six. I would love getting to know you two." She walked over to the door to let herself out, "Do you like Italian?"

"We love food. Anything is good"

She gave me a genuine smile, "See you at six."

She didn't impose. She offered food. She was really nice.

I got off the couch, picked up her glass in my other hand and walked them into the kitchen.

I found my phone on the kitchen table, and called Alice.

"Hey Bells."

"Hey, Al. So I met our next door neighbor. Her name is Rose and she invited us to dinner at her place. So make sure your back home by five."

"Ok, I can do that."

I hung up. I gave her an hour grace period. By telling her be home at five, that meant that she would be home about five-thirty, five-forty five. Leave us enough time to walk next door.

"Am I dressed ok?"

I groaned loud enough for Alice to hear me. She did this every time we went out: never completely confident in her outfit that I picked out, and then got millions of compliments. The funny thing was that we weren't really going out; we were going next door to Rose's. Of course Alice has never met Rose, so I get why she would want to make a good impression, but there was no need. Rose was a laid back person, so there was no need to dress up. That's what I told myself, at least. I was in the blue jeans I pulled on when Rose came over earlier, a grey wife beater tank, a flannel, and a pair of flip-flops. I was comfy and I thought I looked decent with the mood I woke up in. My hair was just thrown up in a messy bun and I put some mascara on to look a little better. I had yet to take a shower; it was just one of those days.

"Alice, I'm walking out this door with or without you. I'm only going next door so you better hurry your ass!" She knew the mood I was in, so that helped. I heard her trying to hurry down the hallway, putting on her shoes, and then a crash. I was pretty sure I heard her fall.

"You good?"

"I'm ok!" She made her way to the front door still struggling. I had to shake my head, Alice's time management skills weren't the best, but she could write.

Walking next door took no time; I mean it was just next door. I took the liberty of knocking.

As the door opened, Roses appeared in a red dress and cute white wedges. Well, shit. I'm now under dressed standing next to Alice and Rose.

Rose smile, "Hello ladies!"

"Hey, this is Alice." I gestured to her standing next to me.

"Come on in, please!" She was an energetic one. I would bet that next week she and Alice would be painting each other's toes.

As we walked in, I was amazed. She has a retro-modern feel to her living room. She had squared black couches, a grey rug, huge crystal lamps with light blue shades, a large photo of a grass field in black and white on the wall, and red and light purple pillows on the couches. I think I had just made a friend.

Alice was the first to speak, "Wow, you and Bella need to get together and talk about interior designing. I bet she is getting wet over your photo on the wall."

"Alice, that's way too much info for Rose."

"It's ok. I felt the same way about it when I found it."

"Really?" I was surprised. I've never met someone to get all worked up about home decor like me. Maybe I did meet a new friend.

"So Alice, Bella tells me you work at the newspaper."

"I'm interning right now. I would love to write for a newspaper, but right now I'm low on the totem-pole. I'm trying to find a job, but I haven't had much luck this week. Jasper's been giving me some ideas but nothing yet."

I thought I was going to choke on air, "Jasper, are you serious Alice?"

"Before we get into this conversation that I would love to be in, can I get you two something to drink and let's sit at the table, I have dinner done."

We walked into her kitchen area that housed the dining table. She was putting chicken Parmesan on the table with a huge green salad.

I notice that the layout of her apartment was identical to ours. I always found it strange how apartments were identical, just plan scary.

"I've got milk, water, orange juice, white wine, or red wine."

"Could I get a mix of white wine and orange juice?" Alice always had the weirdest mixed drinks, but they always tasted amazing.

I kept it simple, "White wine with a few pieces of ice please."

"You two are just like me; I like white wine the best. So, who is Jasper?"

I took a deep breath and let it out, "Jasper is my cousin and the closest thing I have to a big brother. The two of us have kept in touch since he moved away my freshman and his senior year of high school. He's three years older than me but I swear he acts like he's younger. He met Alice for the first time when we moved in. I'm scared he's gonna get her panties in a twist and then fuck her." I took another breath after that mouth full. Wow.

"Well, Alice, are you going to fuck him?" Rose just drove right in.

"Well, we've been talking since the day we moved in. He gave me his number and I gave him mine. We text throughout the day and sometimes we talk at night. He's sweet. I can see how Bella and him are related. I like to hear about his days."

I focused on my wine. It was way more enjoyable than hearing Alice gush about my cousin, especially after the day that I had today.

"What does he do?"

"He is a history teacher at Sheldon High."

I finished my first cup of wine.

"That's neat. I don't think I could do that, but it's amazing that he can. Someone needs to teach the future generations."

I figured it would be a good time to pipe in, at least before the conversation got to philosophical, "Do you mind if I drink your bottle of wine?"

Rose smiled at me, "If I was you, I would have already killed a few bottles tonight."

"I try not to make it habit of drinking when I'm down."

Alice rubbed my back. It was her motherly action. She turned to me, "Tomorrow's going to be better."

"Don't let Emmett around me for a while and I'll be ok." Starting to cut up the food I'd put on my plate.

"Emmett? Do you have another cousin, Bella?"

We all busted up laughing. Well maybe I could get Rose laid too.

Over the last week, Rose has been included in our movie nights, supplying the wine of course. She has become my go to person for decorating ideas. Alice will listen, but I don't think she understands my type of creative brain; hers is more literary creative.

Talking with Rose has led me to re-design the living room. I'm not doing much, just mainly re-arranging the furniture and hanging more on the walls to look artsy and not cluttered like my grandmother's house.

I moved the couch closer to the door to make it look like a hallway and moved the TV in the corner instead of by the fake fire place. I also moved the 1970s floral chair next to the couch.

Since it was Sunday, I had time for errands. My plan was to head to Home Depot for picture hanging supplies and maybe an end table to go between the couch and the chair. If I was lucky, maybe I would pass a garage sale and find some goodies.

"Alice!" I yelled, hoping we was awake enough to be coherent, "Do you wanna go run errands with me?"

"Bella. There is no need to yell, we are twenty feet away from each other."

"You were in your room and I'm in the living room, there was a need."

"Ok, so errands, what do you have in mind?"

I gave her a big fake smile to let her know I was up to no good, "Home Depot and hopefully some garage sales. Maybe even the Goodwill, I don't know yet. I have plans for the living room and today is the perfect day for it."

"So, how much time am I allowed to get ready?"

"If you help me make breakfast, I will give you an hour to get ready."

"Please and thank you. You know, it's only seven in the morning, you should learn to sleep more."

"Not now Alice. I'm going to make pancakes and fried spam. You can slice the strawberries to put on the pancakes and the make OJ from concentrate; it's in the freezer."

We got busy making breakfast, chatting away, and then ate faster than I thought was possible.

While Alice took a quick shower, I took my time getting ready. I had been in a mood lately. I know it was because of Jake, with him being in the front of my brain, but I couldn't help it. I usually could keep myself under control, by hiding my feelings from myself. I knew I did it, and I knew it wasn't the best thing to do, but it was getting me through.

I opened my closet and just stared. Clothes, I knew I needed clothes. I grabbed the pair of jeans off the top of the pile and a plain white Hanes shirt out of my drawer. It was going to be a low maintenance day. Slipping on my Rainbow sandals, I headed to the bathroom to quickly brush my teeth and put my hair up in a bun.

Once I had my purse in hand, I made my way to the living room, finding Alice on the couch going over the notes I had made on how I was redesigning the living room.

"You're ready before me for once."

"Bells, you took almost an hour and half to get ready. It seemed like you were having one of those days, so I didn't say anything."

"Yeah, it's been one of those weeks. Let's go."

"It will get better one day, you know."

"I do." I started up the Jeep and headed towards Home Depot, crossing my fingers for a garage sale.

As a white Toyota pulled out in front of my without waiting, Alice yelled, "Down the street the car came from!"

"Shit Alice! Inside voices." I turned around and headed to spotted chance of good luck.

Poking around, I found a few old wooden windows and a small Victorian-looking round table. I had struck gold. Paying a whole thirty dollars, we headed off to Home Depot.

As I debated on what picture hanging kits I wanted to buy, Alice typed away on her phone while leaning on the cart. "Jasper wants to know if we have plans for Halloween."

"Are you trying to get Jasper to have a Halloween party? Because you know, you can ask me if I want to do anything this year and if I like you talking to my cousin."

"Do you want me not to talk to him?"

I had to take deep breath, "No, I think you should. I haven't seen either of you this happy in years. I never would have thought about putting you together at all, but I guess it just happens. You aren't going to leave me, are you?"

"Bella, I'm keeping you forever and forever. We have matching cupcakes, for God sakes. I will pick up your pieces till I need to have my back fused from bending over so much. You come first; you're a sister and a friend. Get out of your funk and pick what hanging set you want. The old lady that just walked by was saying that there was a guy out front who has kittens and I really want to go see!"

It never fails; she can piss me off and make my day better in less than thirty seconds. Best friend for a reason.

I hurried through self-check out, at Alice's assistance, so we could hurry to see if the rumored guy with the kittens was there. Who would have thought that the little old lady was right? Once Alice caught sight of the kitten man, she took off running beating the little kids to the cardboard box.

"Bella! There is a black one and a white one." She turned to me holding the white one in her hands, "Please?"

Shit. I wanted a cat so bad, and I promised Alice that when we found someone handing out kittens in front of a store we could get them. Was I hesitating? Maybe this was what I needed right now.

"Excuse me," I said turning to the man that looked like he took his last shower when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth, "Can we have the black and white kitten?"

"I said yes to your friend that won't shut the hell up." Smelling his morning alcohol on his breath, I scooped up the black kitten in one hand and dragged Alice away with the other.

"Bella, you are the best-est friend in the whole wide world."

"You know what this means right?"

"Yes! I'm naming my kitty cat Albus!"

"What the fuck did you just say?" I slammed the door as I got into the Jeep. It added a nice emphasis.

"You know, Albus Dumbleldore." I continued to stare at her. "Harry Potter. I didn't think you would understand, but at least you know the reason."

"You are strange."

"Most of the population would say that you are strange since you have never read Harry Potter."

"Obsidian."

"What? Bella, you can't just yell out geologic terms for no reason."

"You yell out random things all the time, and I'm a geologist, I'm allowed. Besides, that's what I've named my little cutie."

"You named your cat after a rock?"

"You named yours after a fictional character."

I handed over Obsidian to Alice to hold as I brought the Jeep to life and pulled out of the parking lot.

"Bella, you turned the wrong way to go home."

"No I didn't. I'm heading to the pet store, and letting you buy the kitty litter."

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