After the embarrassing scene last night, Tonks was rather put off the list. She would have rather run to the nearest rock and curled up underneath. Or, apparated back to her flat and finished off a whole tub of chocolate ice cream while watching a crappy made for TV movie about a kid with leukaemia. But, this was not an option in the order of the phoenix. Nor was Sirius hearing any of it.
"Come on Tonks, its not as if they didn't already know!" Sirius had whined, when Tonks threatened to curse him if he didn't let her out the front door.
"What?!" Tonks yelled, and chased Sirius round the house (again), only stopping when she nearly tripped over a shirtless Remus walking out of the bathroom. Tonks forgot all about Sirius when faced with Remus' abs.
"Sorry!" She smirked, and quickly ran into her room.
Remus starred after Tonks in confusion. Was she turning on Sirius? Had they stopped annoying him now? He highly doubted it.
Sirius was very disappointed when Tonks had stopped chasing him. He'd been planning on leading her into the upstairs broom closet. Who knew what horrors awaited in there? He turned to see her run into her room, past a shirtless Remus. He was only wearing boxers, and looked very confused.
"Nice shirtless skills Moony!" Sirius grinned at his best friend. Remus blinked, now even more confused. "Huh?"
"Aw, come off it Moony! I know you've been perving on me! How else would you have such good shirtless skills? I taught you everything you know!" Sirius puffed out his chest proudly.
"I wouldn't exactly call it a skill Sirius." Remus told him. Being shirtless wasn't very hard, and it was certainly not a skill.
"But it is!" Sirius insisted. He pulled Charlie over, who was walking past. "Charlie my friend! Will you please tell Remus that going shirtless requires skill?"
"Well… I suppose it does." Charlie said thoughtfully.
"See! it's a skill." Sirius told Remus.
"Why are you arguing over that?" Charlie asked, bemused.
"Because-"
"Because I taught Remus everything he knows!" Sirius cut over Remus proudly. Tonks peeped her head around the door. "You taught Remus how to go shirtless?" She asked curiously. Remus shook his head frantically. "Sure did." Sirius announced.
"Well in that case, maybe ill have to see you shirtless some time." Tonks gave Sirius an evil grin, making him blush. "But I'm sure Remus has a way hotter bod than you anyway, so I wont waste my time." She chuckled, skipping off down the stairs, leaving everyone at the top utterly bewildered. "I hope she doesn't want to see me shirtless," Sirius said, worried.
"Don't worry Sirius. No one here does." Charlie assured him.
They had a new member join the order that night- one of Tonks friends, who worked in a potions store in Diagon alley. Tonks introduced her as Jackie.
"Who's that?" Jackie asked her a while later, nodding at Remus, who was deep in conversation with Arthur.
Tonks swelled with pride. "That's Remus. He's got the best shirtless skills ever! He learnt everything he knows-"
"From me!" Sirius popped up, joining their conversation.
"Exactly! Anyway, we're all very proud of him- all of us in the insanity response unit that is." Tonks smiled encouragingly.
"We just got him potty trained too!" Sirius beamed Jackie paled visibly.
"Did you want to talk to him? Ask him out?" Tonks asked brightly. Jackie shook her head vigorously.
"No, no, I was just wondering." Jackie quickly fled to the other side of the room to talk to Charlie. Sirius grinned at Tonks. "Nice work." Tonks gave a mock curtsey.
"I try my best." Sirius pointed to the door, where Kingsley was coming in.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked evilly.
"If you're thinking Bill, some fire whiskey and number 11, than I dare say so." Tonks smirked back.
"That's exactly what I was thinking." Sirius went over to Bill, and dragged him from Fleur while Tonks grabbed a bottle of fire whiskey.
"You've got to do it Bill, he wont believe us!" Sirius hissed into Bills ear, dragging him towards Kingsley. "Alright, alright, don't get your wand in a knot." Bill muttered, pulling his arm free.
"Hey Kingsley."
"Hi Bill."
"I've got something important to tell you." Bill motioned for Kingsley to follow him into a corner, away from everyone else.
"I know this is gonna sound gross, and completely unreal, but I heard it with my own ears, and you know I'm no liar." Kingsley nodded, and Bill took a deep breath.
"So, the other night, I was on my way upstairs to my bedroom, as you do. To get to my room, you have to pass the bathroom. Well, someone was in the shower, and they'd left the door open. And, well… Sorry, but I heard Remus wanking off to you." Bill rushed. Kingsley did a double take.
"Are- are you sure?" He asked, his voice cracking. Bill nodded.
"It was definitely Remus… moaning your name." Kingsley shuddered.
"Look, I did some digging, just to be sure… I found poems hidden all through his room. Love poems. You know Remus is a hopeless romantic- and they had your name all through them." Bill bit his lip, trying to look concerned, rather than like he was about to start laughing his arse off. Which he was.
Kingsley was frozen, his eyes fixed on Remus. "I gotta go." he ran from the room, past Tonks and Sirius, who were in the hallway, drinking rounds of fire whiskey.
"Oi, Kingsley, what's wrong?" Tonks asked, running after him.
"Bill heard Remus… wanking off … to me!" Kingsley whispered. He groaned, and ran from the house, looking quite deranged. Sirius sniggered. "Well, I'm off to congratulate young Bill on driving Kingsley insane."
"And I'm off to have a cry- I just cant believe Remus is gay!" Tonks said shocked, only just able to hide her laughter.
"Don't worry, ill spread plenty of rumours while you're gone." Sirius smirked.
"I just hope Kingsley's ok,." Tonks said, biting her lip.
"I'm sure he's fantabulous." Sirius rolled his eyes, heading back to the kitchen to spread as many rumours as he could.
Within the next ten minutes, everyone except Molly, and Remus himself, had heard some rumour about Remus wanking off to Kingsley. Most of them were grossly over exaggerated. The best part was that Remus had no idea why people were giving him dirty looks. It was brilliant!
The trio spent the rest of the week laughing at Remus, who was still at a complete loss as to why everyone was laughing at him. Sirius was sure to whisper things to Bill as they walked past, making bits like "I cant believe it!" and "I thought he liked Tonks!" and "And with Kingsley!" particularly loud so that Remus could hear. Tonks often ran off crying whenever Remus tried to talk to her, and she refused to make eye contact. Sirius had to admit, all the crying was brilliant acting on her part. It had gotten to the stage where Remus was asking Molly if he'd done something wrong.
"Why wont she talk to me, Sirius?" Remus asked him, two nights before the full moon.
"Well, its because of the whole Kingsley thing, I guess." Sirius replied, flicking through the daily prophet. "What Kingsley thing?" Remus asked, confused.
"Come off it! Everyone knows that you were wanking off to Kingsley last week!"
Remus blushed. "I was not!"
"You were! And what's with the hidden poetry Remus? You know you gave Kingsley a mental breakdown?" Sirius informed him.
"But I wasn't wanking off to Kingsley!" Remus insisted.
"Who were you wanking off to then?" Sirius asked.
"Nym- no one. I wasn't wanking off full stop!" Remus stood, and ran upstairs to find Tonks, leaving Sirius sniggering at having caught his friend out.
Tonks was lying on the floor, feet resting on the bed, listening to her favourite band, The Weird Sisters.
"So take your hands off me tonight I'm breaking free this is the night! This is the night!" Tonks was singing along very loudly. As soon as she saw Remus, she let out a groan of despair, and threw a book at him. "I cant believe you Remus Lupin!" She yelled, getting up and slamming the door in his face.
"Tonks, I'm-"
"I don't want to hear it! How could you let me think that we had a chance-"
"Tonks! I'm not gay!" Remus yelled. She opened the door, eyebrows raised.
"You're not gay."
"No." Remus shook his head, relieved that she understood.
Tonks sniggered and patted him on the cheek. "I know sweetie." She went downstairs, giggling. Remus stood, frozen. She had known all along! He was going to kill-
"SIRIUS!"