Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Five
I'm in the newsroom working when Bren comes in, white as a ghost. It's the end of period three and I know she's on her lunch study, I assumed she was sitting in the student centre. Within seconds I'm across the newsroom and she is in my arms, she is fragile and she isn't caring who sees. Fuck it must be bad.
"Bren what's wrong?"
"There was a car explosion on the LA harbour this morning, the ladies in the office play the radio during the day. The news has been running the same story on it's half-hour bulletins all morning. The police though just announced, it was a car booming, and Jack McKay was in the car. He's dead. They said he's survived by his son Dylan McKay who was at the scene of the explosion but unharmed. Brandon, Dylan just saw his dad die, horrifically."
We are at home as soon as humanly (and LA traffic rules legally) possible, we left straight from the newsroom. Mum is in the kitchen in shock, she jumps up and gives us a hug as soon as we are through the door. "Your father is on his way. Poor Dylan. The news is saying he was there. There is footage of the car, of him leaving the Police Station, and then him arriving at his house, it's already surrounded by cameras and reporters."
Dad's home a half an hour later, he's got no more information than what we have been seeing on the news. Bren almost immediately excuses herself once Dad's home, disappearing upstairs. When she's not down twenty minutes later I go look for her. There is a bag on her bed that she's zipping up.
"You are going to go there and stay with him?" It's not said in shock as it's not a crazy idea, he would need her. I know he would need her.
"No. Samantha, is on her way. I'm going to go spend some time over there." She moves to sit on the edge of her bed. "Dylan, can't stay there, with the reporters, alone in his head, he'll self destruct. He needs to be here, he needs to be in a place that has felt like home to him for nearly three years, he needs people to take care of him show him he's not alone."
"You know it felt like home because of you, he needs you."
"I know, and I'd give him anything I could to make this easier on him, but I can't give him that. Brandon, I can't, if I did where would it end? This loss he'll feel forever, this pain. I'll never be able to walk away cut him off again while he's feeling that, and then I'll never stop loving him if I do. I'll rip myself to shreds if I have to sit and watch him with her, I'll lose me if I have to support him and her." I place my hands on her cheeks and wipe the tears.
"I get it."
"I know you do." She takes my hands off and squeezes them. "Will you come and help me explain it to our parents?"
"Yeah, of course."
They are resistant at first, they don't understand, that don't know why Bren can't put this behind them to help him. Eventually, she shows Dad a little of how truly broken she is. She asks him to help her do this, help him without hurting herself more. Bren has always been able to get to Dad, when she shows him her vulnerability he like me would do anything for her.
Before she leaves with Samantha she gives instructions. Dad has to go get him, he won't come otherwise, he won't feel wanted. She gives Mum Ben's number, though she doesn't know if he's reached out much to his sponsor recently. Ben will come day or night if needed. Once they have both hugged her I carry her bag to the car.
"Sleep in my room if you like. Dylan will need space, just not too much. Oh and discretely check that Dad keeps the hard liquor locked away, especially the scotch. The scotch makes him depressed, it makes him a mean angry drunk; it's the last thing he'll need is to have those emotions amplified and twisted with booze." It's when she say's things like that do I realise how intertwined they were, they lived a whole secret life behind that bungalow door. My feelings of being left out, of being not as essential to her, the feelings that started growing in junior year seem validated by the knowledge she effortlessly and without thought displays of the deepest of their connection, my jealousy doesn't resurface it's squashed by the destruction that connection has resulted in. Bren has shown me that I'm still needed, in the last fortnight she has helped me realise that though our family may have gotten bigger when we moved here, her and I our twin link our connection unlike any other's we form is for life. It can't be removed its literally in our blood, it's in the knowledge that we knew each other even before we had breathed our first breath. "Call me tonight?"
"I will."
"Brandon, if he's too far gone-"
"I know. I know you'll come if I can't handle it."
Baja. That's the only thought, get the fuck out get to Baja. Your last truly happy moment was in Baja. Get to Baja. You can't stay for this, you can't stay here. Fuck Iris. You can't stay here alone.
Kelly approaches, fuck I forgot she is here. Turned up after hearing about an explosion through the school gossip mill, she thought the phone just cut out this morning. She's leaning up to kiss me, yeah yeah I can do that. I can do that without thought, it might stop the fucking spinning, the fire, the ash and gas smell that's embedded in my nose. Fuck the door knocking.
I turn away from her. "Not now. Go away."
Fuck who am I kidding, this isn't going to work. Lips aren't going to distract me. Baja, I need Baja.
He turns up in my doorway as I'm shoving god only knows what into my bag. "Son, I'm so sorry." It's the voice, it's the tone, it's the son. I turn and look at him. "I'm here to bring you home."
Yes, yes I can go home. I can be safe, I can be with… "thank you but Bren doesn't want me there."
"She's the one who sent me to come and get you." The spinning stops, like a switch it stops. Like my brain can finally focus. I pick up my bag and move, I need to leave quickly, I'm scared he'll change his mind.
I'm not even sure what I say to Kel as I walk out. Maybe lock up, maybe nothing. I don't know, all I know is that for the first time since that heat touched my face I feel stable. That I'll soon be solid.
Jim leaves me in the garden, I just need to breath the air I want this smell to go. The gas, the burnt metal, it at least hid the smell of burnt flesh, the smell of Jack.
I try and shift the smell by breathing in Cindy's garden. Nothing is shifting that smell. Even after showering until the water ran cold I can still smell it all over me.
The quiet is broken by the door closing behind me, she's coming maybe her perfume will get rid of it. Cover it. Replace it. Repeal it.
For the first time the fire that's been burning at the edge of my vision cools, frozen in doubt. What do I say to her? Am I allowed to touch her?
The uncertainty runs through me, confuses my instincts; the fear that she may reject my touch comes like an unwanted thought pushed away by the moment of relief that it's Brandon by my side. I'm not ready for her. I'm not ready to feel his loss. I'm not ready for her to open me up and begin to fix me. I'm not ready to feel the weight, the reality she brings to my life. I'm not ready to be faced with my new reality, a reality I don't understand.
I fill the awkward silence with garden chat, about this place always being the same.
"You know us Walsh's predictable."
That's not true. My… she had never been predictable, whether she was pretending to be a waitress from New York, throwing purses out doors to kick meaningless girls out, to breaking my heart in cars. From the start she had never done what I expected. She was never boring.
"All except one." It must be something in my tone because he brings her up. Since the hallway where he told me how he felt about my actions, told me how much he knew, he has stayed away from mentioning her.
"She's not here." What? I turn to look at him.
"Your Dad said… she asked him to come get me, bring me home." Please don't tell me that's a lie, I feel the ground move to speed up, I can feel it begin to turn again.
"She did. She wants you here, she wants you with your family."
It stops. I nod. Okay, maybe she just wants me to settle in give me some time. Maybe like me she is not ready for this reality, doesn't know how it got here.
When we get inside Cindy hugs me, it's a long hug. My eyes fill with water. There is tea and coffee on the table but no cookies, I guess it's not a cookie solved pain. It's a lot of questions but not about this morning; they are about arrangements- the sooner the better, it's about me struggling to find Iris, it's about the last thing I ate. By the time I leave the table Cindy has got in touch with Christine. The funeral will be the day after tomorrow, in the morning, Cindy will take care of the service. The wake will be here. While she begins to do the things I'm not equipped for, Brandon, Jim and I make sandwiches for dinner; mine tasted like sawdust, I ate it anyway. She'll ask when she gets home if I've eaten, she'll check me over with her eyes to assess where to start to fix me. Me eating will be one less thing for her to worry about.
It's when I go upstairs and look in Brandon's room for my fold out do I start to wonder what the hell is going on. He's in the doorway, he must have followed me up. "You take my bed, okay."
"B, don't be silly the fold outs fine."
"No, you take my bed and the room, I'll sleep in Bren's."
It's then I realise I may not understand what coming home now means, "where will Bren sleep?"
"She is staying with friends-"
"I though, she wanted me here?"
"She does. She wants you at home, she wants you with family-"
"Just not near her?" I sit on the bed, I shouldn't have eaten the sawdust I think I'm going to be sick.
"Dylan, she… she'll be here if you need her, she'll come, but-"
The anger rises, she wouldn't do this she wouldn't… it's him. He's back wanting me away from her. "You don't want her to. She's off limits. I've seen the goons that surround her now, timetable changes, I haven't seen more than a strand of hair since..., and now you've shipped her away."
"Dylan its not me, okay." Bull shit. She wouldn't do this. She wouldn't leave me to deal with this alone. Should couldn't, could she? "D, this is what she needs, she's trying to be everything to everyone, this tiny part she is keeping away is to try and protect herself-"
"Tiny part?" Is she fucking serious? "It's all of her." Its all of it, it's my home, that's what she is denying me.
"Which you didn't want anymore." The spinning starts as the bile rises. B comes closer, "look this this isn't about you and her, it's not about your relationship. For three years this has been your home, the place you can disappear to, recover. For three years I've been your brother. This will always be your home. You will always be welcome here. She knows you need this place, need us more than she does; Dylan she's prepared to be gone days, weeks, however long you need to be home for. But if being here with us isn't enough, if your friends, your girlfriend isn't enough, if Ben isn't enough, if I call she'll be over in minutes. She's not abandoning you, she just… she knows if she comes she won't leave, she knows that it becomes messy for you, for her, for Kelly. You both have always relied on each other too much, you never did high school love properly. She's just trying to respect everyone and the changes, and she is trying to carve out a little protection for herself."
She thinks Casa Walsh is home. She thinks that's it's her parents, the kitchen, the yellow tiles in the bathroom. If I wasn't in Bs room I'd throw something, I'd destroy the whole house. The bricks and mortar that mean nothing. I need space. I stand and grumble about taking a shower. He's gone by the time I get out. I get into some tracksuit pants and a singlet that I threw in my bag. I try and lay in the bed, I haven't been in this bed since my accident. I remember she avoided me then, until she heard I had called her stubborn. That was such a strange time. I was broke, Jack was arrested, my body was broken, and my heart- she had destroyed me by breaking up with me. I had never felt such overwhelming pain, I wanted to go back and fix it, whatever made her leave me I wanted to fix it. I… that summer she was all I wanted, kissing Stacey had felt wrong. I spent hours in the water avoiding her after that. I knew I shouldn't have brought her there, she wasn't the brunette I wanted. Hell she wasn't the girl I wanted, there had only been one. Since that locker, "your Brandon's sister?" "yeah I'm Brandon's sister." She was what I wanted, what I needed.
"I want you, I've always wanted you."
When had that happened? Was it a line? Was it true? I don't fucking know, I don't know anything. All I know is that my need for Bren is still there, it's screaming at me.
Need. Want. Fire. Explosion.
The last time I had laid down on a bed I was on the boat, Kelly had stormed off home. Jack and I had been good, had been great. Less than twenty-four hours later, my world is changed. My world has changed a lot. Three weeks ago I had been in the Bungalow tossing and turning, not knowing what I should do.
"I want you, I've always wanted you."
The limo. The Hotel. The disappointment- Jim, fucking Jim. The pool. The restaurant. The park.
Two and a half weeks. My World in eighteen days had spun so fast, I'm not sure when in all of that it started to feel like it was spinning out of control. The explosion. The Trust. The park. The pool. The limo. It all just moves so fast now.
I sit up and put my head between my hands, it's too much in here. Too much. I move to the bathroom to throw water on my face and I hear it. He's talking to someone. I move closer and put my forehead on the door.
"Yeah he ate a sandwich." My lips attempt to rise, I knew she would want to know. "Have you eaten?" "Don't act like it's an outrageous question. Bren it took you weeks to gain even half your appetite back after Sheila, you were the same after Bobby. I know it's not on purpose, I know your stomach doesn't like food when you are like this but keep trying okay. Already the stress of the year had affected your appetite, you've lost too much weight already, and the last two weeks." He pauses, "don't deny it I know you know it's true. You've been living in too many big shirts, and jumpers, you know Mum and Dad will freak out." Shit. She didn't eat hardly anything the week we thought she could be pregnant. I tried to get her to but she couldn't stomach it. When she lived with me in the bungalow she ate hardly anything as well. I tune back in. "Yeah say goodnight to them for me, and tell him regardless he should be there." He? Where the hell is she? "I know you gave him the family speech." Family? "Well tell him Samantha can't adopt you because you need a brother who actually listens, like me." Samantha… Sanders. She's at Steve's. "Night, and yeah I promise I'll call you straight away."
I'm about to knock when I hear him speak again. "No, you are not a bitch." "Bren you have never told Mum or Dad the full story, they think he just made a decision finally. You told me from the start not to abandon him, that he's my brother and that you knew I could be there for you both. You have tried to keep this summer, what they did a secret from everyone at school. You listen to mum lecture you almost nightly about hard feelings, how best friend's are special, and that you shouldn't lose them because of a choice… you say nothing. No you aren't a bitch, you are just trying to keep a boundary. You are trying to get through this like the rest of us. You are trying to hold whatever's left of this gang together, it's the opposite of being a bitch." She hasn't told them about the cheating, she hasn't turned them against me with the truth. "He, he'll get it eventually he'll understand that it's the healthiest thing for everyone. Look get some sleep. I'll call you tomorrow."
He's opening the door a second later. "You heard." It's not said with anger, it's an acknowledgement. "I saw the light turn on under the door. I phoned her to check in." As he moves back I follow him into the room I know so well. The smell other than gas and fire is what hits me first, it smells the same a mix of all of her scents perfume, moisturiser, fabric softener. The room though looks bare.
Without thinking I ask. "Where's my, our pict-"
There is sympathy, bewilderment, and a touch of anger in the tone he uses to cuts me off. "Dylan this is what breaking up is. This is what choosing is."
I look around, no this is… "She never did this before, not in sophomore, not in November when she dumped me."
"Dylan. It's different this time. You, the summer, the cheating, and the lies, it's not a pause not just a break-"
"Say it Brandon, it's over, it's done. I'm in the trash along with all our stuff, our memories."
"Isn't that what you wanted? You couldn't keep both of them forever, you should never have had both of them to start." He's not being mean, he's trying for a tone of understanding, it's more generous than I deserve, more kind. It doesn't stop the hurt though, it doesn't sooth. "D, this is not what you need to be focusing on okay. She wouldn't want you-"
"She doesn't want me at all. Hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. I'm not even allowed to look at her now. She is hiding out at Steve's for god sake, they are barely friends. It's why within days she has tossed our, my things out-"
"Hey. That's enough. You don't get to blame her for not wanting reminders of what you and Kelly did to her. It wasn't done to you it was done by you to her. You aren't the victim here." His tone, his words stop me. Everyone has been handling me with kit gloves since this morning, that was the first harshness I've heard. "Shit. Dylan-"
"No I get it B, I was right earlier. Your sister is once again off limits."