Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Note: There is a brief scene description that could be triggering to some. It's in italics.
Chapter Eleven
Brandon had spoken to Nat sometime throughout the day and had his shift swapped so he can stay with me tonight. On the ride from school to the police station (to sign the official statement), and then home, I had repeatedly told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted it was, especially because at lunch Andrea, Donna and David asked to come over and check on me, as well as Tony, Kyle and Josh. It was going to be a busy night and Brandon wanted to ensure I had support and didn't get overwhelmed. He never mentioned if Kelly had asked after me and I had never asked. My avoidance of Dylan had absolutely extended to her, it was two breakups one with my love and the other with my best friend; she I had thought would be one of those people I'd be close with forever.
Mum and Dad were clingy, they wanted to know the details again in person even though they knew everything from our phone calls, they wanted to know how I was doing. They were a little shell shocked; since we were young we have always been allowed to play around our streets. Our homes have always been in nice safe areas, me walking alone wasn't a big deal. The "be safe", said whenever we left the house to play, ride bikes, or go for a jog, was always said casually, and even when events happened it was a moment of concern, they never thought I'd be in real danger.
Their reaction makes me temper my story, I don't mention the bruising and I'm thankful that Brandon doesn't either. When it hits four-thirty Mum gets up to start sorting out food, if people are popping past even only briefly she wants to make sure there is food to offer. I excuse myself stating that I just wanted a shower and then I'd be down to help. It's when I'm alone in the bathroom peeling off my shirt do I feel it powerfully for the first time.
He touched this shirt, he probably assumed it would be ruined in his attack, the shirt wasn't supposed to be fine I wasn't supposed to be fine. He wanted to hurt me, damage me. I cry on the floor of the bathtub, I cry looking at my arms. I cry knowing that he wanted something that had only been given to one man, and had been given in love. He was going to try and steal it rip it from me. It was the cry of the what if's, the cry that for a slower reaction or if he had thought I may fight back, if the guy's hadn't driven that road to training then he could have succeeded.
When I walk into my room I'm covered in a robe my hair is wrapped in a towel, Brandon who had been sitting on my bed looks up at me. Whether he heard, or that he knows that I don't shower that long, what ever it was, he knows I've felt what I didn't want to all day. He holds open his arms and when I've got one of his secure around me he passes Mr Pony and wraps me and my stuffed animal protector up in the other.
"Do you want to tell me what you are thinking?"
"So many thoughts, what if's, why me, why not me, why is he like that, what could have happened if I hadn't been as fast as precise. There are so many thoughts but they aren't helpful, they just hurt."
"You know I'll hear all of them if you want to share, I can't go back in time and stop it make sure you weren't alone, but I can make sure you aren't alone now."
"Thank you but I'm spent for now, I'm emotionally drained out." There's a knock on my bedroom door and my mum comes in with the phone. She see's Brandon sitting close to me and knows what's happening; sibling relationships are important to mum she loves when she sees the strength of mine and Brandon's.
"Sorry to interrupt but she has rang twice and when I heard the shower turn off. Are you up for speaking to Iris?" Iris wouldn't ring twice, not this close together. Brandon just shakes his head he knows as well as I that this is not Iris but her son pushing for it.
I nod, and she passes the phone. My mum excuses herself to go back to cooking and Brandon stands as well. He whispers quietly on his way out that I don't have to do anything I don't want to, that I don't owe him anything.
In lieu of a greeting I jump right in, "Iris I'm fine."
"Darling your voice doesn't sound fine, your voice it sounds scratchy." The moving down the phone line is crystal clear, Iris isn't trying to hide that she isn't alone. She walks a fine line between the two of us, her guilt for her absence from her son's life is a central force in her struggle to say no to him. She knows he has the capacity to kick her out of his life permanently; she adores me but he is her son.
"I've been talking all day and I just got out of the shower." She knows I'm avoiding being honest, that I'm choosing to infer a reason without directly lying. He'll know as well.
"Darling I'd like to make sure you are okay, give you a hug. Your Mum said that Samantha called and is coming for dinner, that Brandon said the guy's who helped you wanted to come over and check and that some of your friends are wanting to come by… you've been so busy today that no one has really had a chance to see you-"
I stop her before she can ask directly, I stop because I don't want to have to reason it all out. "Iris of course you can come by. Mum is making dinner, she's not sure who is staying but you know Cindy she doesn't want anyone to go hungry, and I think she wants something to do."
"Thank you Darling, I'd love to come." She pauses, "Dylan-"
I bunch up my bedspread in my hand, "Iris you can put him on the phone."
The relief in her voice echoes in every syllable, I hate that he's putting her in this situation. "Thank you Darling, I will see you soon." I knew that one was said for him not me, Dylan had always had the ability to be manipulative when he chose to- this year he was choosing to a lot more. It had never worried me before, I had even romanticised those times turning them into some of my best memories; the requests while he laid injured on the couch, the way he was able to make me feel guilty for being upset because they didn't tell him I called when he stood me up on our first date, his calmness that I was being ridiculous that he had to have breakfast in his room with his old next door neighbour when the hotel was full of restaurants. I didn't want to think of his manipulations this year, how he was able to hide his affair for so long.
The phone change over is heard, as is the sound of movement. When a door closes I know he's moved to his bedroom. I wonder if she's been in there yet… of course she has.
The sound of us breathing is the only thing heard down the phone line for longer than what is considered normal, I'm not sure if he is waiting for me to start this off or like me finds a weird comfort in hearing the other breathe. When we first got together we used to talk on the phone for hours, we used to sometimes fall asleep to this sound. In junior year it was different, it wasn't the new love getting to know you calls but the calls of frustration that I couldn't stay longer, that my curfew made me leave the place he was currently feeling lonely in; those phone calls and their increased frequency were the start of me staying later each night, staying beyond curfew, they were the calls that began our demise. Too much need for the other, it destroyed everything.
"Thank you, I know that I'm railroading you. I know that after today, after this year that it's unfair to do this to you- it's a point that's been made abundantly clear to me today by Brandon, Steve, and my mother-"
Brandon I knew about, Steve as well- neither had told me I had to first hear from others. I stop the sigh from escaping, a day of drama was had regardless of my attempts at preventing it. "And yet here I am on the phone to you."
He aims for charming honesty, to lessen the reality that he's manipulated his way into talking to me. "I'm aware that I'm being selfish here, you don't need to point it out."
"I wasn't planning on it, you are pretty self-aware when you want to be."
"Maybe not as self-aware as I always thought I was, always claimed to be. That's also been demonstrated today and really over the last nine day's, actually over the last twenty-two." Jack's death. The park. I stay quiet. "Did you eat the soup?"
"Dylan, there is no need for you to worry. I'm safe. I'm fine-"
"You're not fine. You've been crying, alot. It's in your voice."
I quip back, trying to avoid discussing today. "Yeah, but hey at least it's not over you this time."
"That's not funny, not on any level." His seriousness amazes me. Did he think I'd be jumping for joy after that park experience? If he didn't want me to cry then he probably shouldn't have been cheating on me for months. My annoyance at what I see as his desperate need to show me he cares after seven months of indiference makes me sarcastically reply.
"Well you either laugh or cry, I'm out of tears I got them all out in the shower. I'm now choosing to laugh."
"You're mad at me. Last time we spoke you weren't… you told Brandon today that it was because you didn't want me to worry that I had too much to deal with but you're mad. Did you not want to talk to me as punishment?" Seriously, when have I ever been like that with him? I've never been that girl.
"Have I ever been conniving with you? Have I ever not been completely honest? I'm not playing games with you Dylan, I've never played games with you. I'm mad because I just wanted to get through a really shit day by not having any more control taken away. I wanted to handle the day with the least amount of drama." I pause, do I end this now or let him have it? My inner Val whispers, he hasn't respected your choices once today while you try and honour his. Okay so maybe he can have it a little.
"I know about your scene in the newsroom and about your standoff with Steve in the corridor. It was such fun hearing about how McKay lost it twice today over his ex, it was all through the senior class by period six. You hated it when our personal business was exposed in that place, you made that perfectly clear on my doorstep last year, but yet you're actively putting it front and centre. Weeks, actually twenty-two days is exactly how long I've been trying to prevent it and yet you seem adamant on making it all public knowledge-"
"You know I'm not trying to. You know I hate having all their eyes on me, but you have kept yourself under lock and key. I'm begging to see you, begging your bodyguards, and if I need to do that publicly then so be it, they've been staring at me since Jack anyway what's more staring more gossip."
"You think I want their eyes on me? I had unwanted eyes on me this morning, it made fear run down my spine. I don't want anymore eyes on me, especially not today. Today it wasn't about you Dylan, it wasn't a punishment it was about what I needed."
Remorse finally, "I'm sorry I'm not trying to- I just want to see you talk to you. I need to see you. I just don't understand why no one will let me, we support each other-"
"Dylan, this is what being broken up is-"
"People need to stop saying that. This is not how us being- how we are. We stay best friends, we keep having each other's backs, that's how it was last time, how we were at Christmas-"
"Dylan, this is how broken up looks after what you both did. Did you expect me to stay by your side, smile sweetly next to you as you kiss her, throw her a birthday party, did you expect me to become a mate you play basketball or throw a football around with?"
"We are supposed to be family, you are my family, the only one I've ever been able to trust completely-"
"And I am, when you need me I will give you everything I can give, I have never broken my word to you, but you can no longer expect the same in return. You can't expect to be my support when scary things happen, when I get hurt, when I need help."
"Why not?" The outrage that he doesn't get the same spot in my life, makes him sound like a petulant child.
"Because you may trust me completely Dylan, but I no longer trust you."
Pleading echo's down the line, "Bren, you know you can. You know me better than anyone, like I know you better than anyone- even Brandon."
"Dylan, I didn't know you were capable of the last eight months, I didn't know you were capable of hurting me so badly, so talented at lying to me."
Now he's picking outrage, I think if I label all the emotions they won't get to me as much won't hurt as much. "So I make one mistake and I'm cut from your life-"
"Well I didn't turn up to one party and look what happened to me."
Whatever he smashes at my words I hope it's not something of Jack's, he growls out "Sanders told you."
"We have period six together. He wasn't going to say anything, well not at school, but when I heard the gossip, he told me what happened."
"He shouldn't have, not after this morning, and it's not like I said it, it's just his interpretation."
"You didn't deny it. When someone dares to say something that isn't true about you, you are the first to call them out. You'll fight till you're blue in the face. It's what you did when someone dared to call you a cheat and liar this year… over the SATs that is." The sound of him pacing, his frustration at not being able to deny it radiates down the line. It leaves him quiet. "I'm going to go. I'm not dressed and people are coming over to check on me and I just want to get through that and go to sleep."
He doesn't deny it, but he is back using the pleading tone the one I became so familiar with at the end of sophomore year. "There is so many people coming, if I promise not to speak to you can I at least come there? See for myself that you are okay or be there just in case you need me."
"No." It was out before he had even finished breathing out the e. My lack of consideration to his demand puts him straight on the attack.
"I thought it was my home as well, I thought I was welcome anytime?"
"Dylan, I'm not your mother, don't try and manipulate me."
"I'm not trying to do that. Fuck!" He knows he's practically yelling down the phone, he tries to tame it. When he speaks again it's with a fake calmness. "I'm just out of options, I don't know how to make this right."
"Are you talking about this morning or about us? Because neither are in your control to fix."
"Don't say that." His voice loses its fight, it's raw. "Not when I'm hurting this bad, not when I'm barely hanging on-"
His need deflates my anger, I sigh.
When I speak again it's with a more logical reasoned tone. "Call Ben, go to a meeting. Whatever you are feeling go talk it out." As I speak the sympathy, the need to support him becomes more apparent in my tone. "Dylan, don't let Iris come here if you are struggling. You are going through a lot and I imagine it's overwhelming but you have worked hard for your sobriety, don't throw it away-"
"You mean like I've done with everything else good in my life."
"You haven't thrown away everything good. You have your friends, you have your brother, your mum, you have your gir-"
Thank god he realises what my worry for him is making me do. I shouldn't have to be supportive of him and her, that's not fair to me after what they did. "Fuck. I'm sorry I want to support you and here you are now doing it for me. I'm such a selfish prick, when did I get like this, have I always been?"
Self-deprecation when he is low is not healthy, none of this is healthy. "Hey. Nine day's, if you felt you had your head your emotions in control I'd be more worried. Jack, you miss him, I'm sure you are angry he was taken, especially when he was trying to be better. Dylan, grief makes your emotions go all over the place, makes your mind as well." He stops me as I give him the out for this conversation, a conversation that neither of us are equipped to have in our current state. He stops me by not letting this just be about him dealing with the grief of his father.
"It's not Jack that has me like this-" he watched his Dad blow up, of course that is effecting him. Him being there and then gone. Fuck!
"It's him that has you already off kilter, add this morning on top of that. I'm…" I stop myself from apologising even though like a lightning bolt I get it now, I get why he been acting so vocal not caring about scenes. "I probably should have let you see me, thinking about it you probably are fearing you could have lost someone else so soon. Shit, I didn't think that through. I just thought what I needed-" I rarely swear I hope he realises that it's a genuine realisation. He must because he speaks with such emotion like finally someone understands what he's been needing all day, and he understands how unfair it is.
"You had every right. My crazy insecurities, my fears of abandonment, of people being taken away, you shouldn't have to make yourself uncomfortable to fix me." The tears in his voice set off mine, I thought I had none left. "Bren I don't know how to switch this off, how to switch off you being the person I need the most. I don't know how to do this. When you were away I could pretend that it was just me again, that I was that guy from before that locker… I thought when you left me again I could finally let it go like I thought you had, but once the anger died after that restaurant, once I realised that it's still there for both of us. That it's always there. It's like breathing, it's naturally there." He pauses, then his voice slightly breaks, "I don't know how to let it go. I don't know if I'm capable of letting it go. I don't want to let it go."
The tear's are running down my face and I know this is the breakup, this is the closure of us that we didn't get. That he couldn't give; he was to focused on moving forward, to prove to himself that he actually could, that he refused to look back at the loss. "I know that. In the park you were angry at me, you were so angry like I was forcing you to see a reality you didn't want. Dylan, I'm trying to let it go for the both of us, you just need to give me enough room to do that."
I understand that this is hard for both of us, I know Dylan's history I know navigating emotions other than anger and indifference are hard for him. I know he used them as his camouflage for year's. I can even get why he's trying to bargain his way out of this reality. "Or we could decide that for us we take a different path, we could be the closest of friends, we could-"
"No. I'm not… that's not going to be healthy for you, me, your re- relationship or for my next one."
"So what do I do? Go crazy-" it's not said mockingly or harshly, it's said with unfeigned uncertainty.
"You have lots of people who love you in your life, rely on them, it's what I'm doing-"
It's an elastic pulled too tight, it either breaks or snaps back. His bitter tone is the snap that takes me off guard. "You mean Steve. I hear his mother loves you, Iris mentioned that she thinks you're wonderful and such a good influence on Steve. Is he the guy you are thinking of having this relationship with now that I'm kicked out of your life?"
I ignore the manipulation like I'm doing this to him and instead try and reason with him. "Dylan, I don't owe you an explanation- in that restaurant you made it clear I broke up with you and I don't get a say. For months I honoured that, I had to sit and watch you parading that fact in front of my face. I had to try and be okay with that, I had to treat our two year relationship as if it was equal with a girl you seemingly went on one date with. I think you've done more than break us up this time. You can't expect a say in my life especially in this not after everything you have put me through these months."
"That's not a no about Sanders." Okay this is ridiculous. It's like he hears only parts of what I'm saying. I'm not being forced to appease him and discuss my nonexistent love life. I try and bring reality back to this nightmare.
"Dylan, a guy today tried to drag me into a bush to assault me, according to the police when I went to sign my typed statement this afternoon he's done it to multiple women. His fingerprints confirmed it. On this day do you really think this is the conversation I want to have? Hear you judge me for who I'm friends with, like I'm doing something wrong?"
It's the dose he needed. He's back remembering himself instantly. "No. I'm sor… sorry doesn't seem enough. This phone call is not how I planned, this is not the conversation I wanted to have. I wanted to support you and make sure you are okay, I wanted you to know you could come to me that I would always be there for you. That's not the conversation we've had-"
"Because that's not where we are. I appreciate the sentiment, but…"
"You no longer have room for me-" just when I thought he was getting it he's back saying shitty things.
"And there's the manipulation again."
"It's not meant to be-"
"Really? Because those lines you keep saying paint you as the victim of us and me as the bitch who once again has broken us. I don't know why I would expect you to change that tune, it's the same one you've been using against me for months. Did you ever think how little incentive you were giving me to stay? I came back from Paris and you were completely different. You were mean at times, distant, scorned any attempt I made to discuss a future with me, no longer wanted to be a part of anything, belittled me in front of people for smoking-" He cuts me off with a self-righteous tone like once again he had heard nothing else, pretending that the other things didn't happen.
"Hey, don't include that one it's disgusting."
"So is drinking a bottle of whiskey in one sitting but you didn't see me calling you out publicly or shaming you when you have fallen off the wagon-" I stop and practically scream into my pillow. Brandon, Steve and Andrea are at the bathroom door in an instant, but I'm beyond frustrated I'm so angry that he's doing this tonight, trying to dump guilt on me. I'm so fed up with this that even if my parents walked in I don't think I could stop.
"Shit. This needs to stop, every time I try and make a point you pick up on the one thing that you feel justified in. The one shitty thing I did, like it wipes away the other ten you did in comparison. Like we are even in this. Like I'm to blame for you cheating on me, like I'm the one who made you lie to me, like it's me who did this to us. Whatever my crimes are fine I own them, I owned them then as well, I apologised for them then. But if you need to hear it again I'm sorry for the two kisses with Rick. The smoking. The wanting you to have college options. The wanting to think we might have a future beyond high school. The wanting you to prove the SAT people were wrong by you retaking them, because I knew that you'd go as good or better next time and then they'd have to eat their words. I'm sorry for being hurt and angry at you for finally telling me months later you cheated on me. For breaking up with you because by then it seemed like everything I did was wrong to you and that you didn't even like me as a person somedays. Fine Dylan, I own my crimes I brought this on myself, I'm sorry. You are absolutely justified in screwing around with my best friend over the summer, justified in lying to me, justified in continuing to have secret special time with her when we were still together, justified in making me beg for another chance, justified in running a competition for that chance. It's all my fault, not yours. Just like it's my fault that I'm hurt, so hurt that I want space from you. It's my fault that I don't want your comfort here, so you can appease your own selfish needs and then disappear back to her tomorrow feeling the hero. I'm sorry that my selfishness inconveniences your ability to have everything. I'm sorry it actually might mean that you have to deal with a consequence for your actions!"
My tone loses it's anger and becomes stone cold, "sorry, did I forget any crime? Should I just give a blanket apology for any other misdemeanours you are holding against me? Are we good now, or do need something else from me?"
"Brenda hang up the phone. This is so far beyond what you need today, it's so far beyond acceptable after everything he's put you through. Hang up." Brandon is practically begging, and looks ready to leap for the phone and do it himself.
The smashing of whatever he breaks is louder now, since our first date it doesn't surprise me that Dylan can throw a tantrum when he gets overwhelmed, he did it by throwing the bottle at the wedding. When the crashing sounds taper off I speak. "You done breaking your stuff? Hopefully, it's a pot plant it would make for good symmetry."
He breathes heavy, I know its not calming breath's I know he's as distraught as me. I'm so full of emotion that I'm numbed by it, I can't make sense of them all. "Can I be let go now? I don't need a taxi this time, and I know what happened here, I know I got to you."
I know he gets the reference, in our better day's we discussed that night the intensity of it all. We'd play the what if I had actually got a cab. He always said he'd be right behind it chasing me down, he didn't want to lose the chance he'd been waiting weeks for.
"Dylan, I'd like to be let go, it's been three years in this all consuming embrace. I want to be let go, I need to be let go before it destroys me. Could you at least give me that?"
His voice is full of more pain than I've ever heard, it's dripping in tears that he's not trying to hide. "Yeah baby, I'll try. Just… just know I loved you, that I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone. That this, none of this is how I wanted it to end. I actually never thought it would, that it could."
I breathe out, "I know, but I'm not willing to be one of your girls on the side and I hope you have enough respect for me to stop trying to force me to become that. Please just stop using our… us to make me into something I'd hate."
I don't let him respond, I hang up the phone. Brandon has me buried in his chest before the handset has even landed on the bedspread.