Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Thank you so much for all the reviews, the last chapter… well I was worried it wouldn't land right, and honestly I'm a little worried for a couple more chapters coming up.

Happy New Year! I hope 2023 is a year of peace, joy and good health for you and your loved ones.

Chapter Twelve

Mum is in my room the moment it's quiet, when she knows I'm no longer throwing pictures and lamps around. She finds me by the side of the bed on the floor, surrounded by the evidence of how I reacted when my sin's were shone directly at me and I could no longer hide them away. Brenda had pulled every rug back, had ripped apart every place I hid, had burnt every shield of justification that I had used to deflect my behaviour since she got on that plane. There was nothing left but truth that I had done this to us. Not Jim, Kelly, or her. I did this, all of it.

Mum just moves some glass pieces and sits next to me. She doesn't speak she just sits.

I'm hollowed out, I feel like I'm just a shell. I've got nothing left.

When she starts lightly singing a song I haven't heard since I was a kid, I rub my bloodshot eyes. "What's that I know it?"

"You are my Sunshine. I used to sing it to you before you went to sleep."

"Jack used to sing Take Me out to the Ballgame."

"Yeah, for an Irishman he loved baseball or maybe it was just that Frank Sinatra sang it; your paternal grandmother loved Sinatra. He taught you that song when you were about three. You knew only the lyrics to the chorus until you were four. You drove the whole house crazy repeating it. Anything your Dad loved you loved, he was your hero since you were born. You were mesmerised by him, when he used to pick you up you'd hold his face, when you were really little you'd find his wrist and put your whole hand over it, it took a while for us to realise that it was his heart beat that soothed you. It's one of the reasons I gave in to his pressure, I knew you were happiest around him. You adored him, and he adored you. He was cut throat in business and mean when he didn't get his own way but he wasn't like that with you."

"Until he was, he was exactly like that. I think ten is when he first laid a hand on me. I had been playing in his study, and I spilled water on his desk it went over some of his work papers. He had been mean before that, but only shouting."

"I never thought he would be that way with you. He wasn't like that with me, manipulative in the end but never physical."

"Bren said I was manipulative multiple times on the phone. It wasn't my intention but when she pointed it out I could see it too, I couldn't deny it. Do you think I have too much of his bad traits in me?"

"I don't think there are bad trait's or good ones, it's what you do with them that turns the characteristic, the behaviour, the action bad. Was it your intent to get Brenda to change her mind, get your way?"

"Yes. I wanted to see her, make sure she was okay."

"She said she was okay, Brandon and Steve said she was okay. Cindy told me which you heard, that she was okay."

"I needed to be sure, Bren can say she's fine but not really be. She can look all strong but really be struggling. I needed to be sure, I can tell now when… it doesn't matter. It's never going to happen now, she wants me completely out of her life."

"Sweetheart, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe that's a good thing." I turn and look at her like she's betraying me- she is betraying me. I thought she understood, who am I kidding Iris doesn't understand she doesn't know me or Bren. "Dylan hear me out. You didn't just wake up one day and decide to hurt her but something inside of you felt like you needed space from her. You self destructed your relationship and I'm not buying it's over a deep emotional connection to Kelly- I'm not saying you don't have feelings for her, but you could have chosen her so many times from what I understand and didn't. You have made it all but impossible for Brenda to forgive you-"

"Steve said it was a test to see if she'd abandon me, leave me."

"Maybe there is some truth in that but it doesn't explain the summer. You wanted to run away, and then when you saw her again you wanted to hide your sins. Brenda and you, junior year when I went to Jim and Cindy's in a panic, she knew everything you were doing. You were self-destructing and you didn't hide it from her, you trusted her completely. You relied on her, from what I understand from my calls with you, Cindy, and Jim, and my letters with her, you both relied continuously on each other; she even attended AA meetings with you. Does she know your past, everything with Jack?"

"She knows everything."

"Then if she knew everything and still stood by your side, still wanted you enough to run away from her family, were you suddenly worried she wouldn't understand, be able to forgive the summer when she got back?"

"I don't know, I knew it would hurt her. I knew it was the worst person to do it with."

"And yet you did it? You spent weeks with her. Each time knowing it would hurt Brenda more, even if you were pretending that was not a thought in your head. Sweetheart, it's no secret that I'm not Kelly's biggest fan, but there must be something about her that made her attractive to you, something you felt was missing from you and Brenda's relationship."

"Don't take this the wrong way, it's not a slight on Kelly, but being with Kelly it's easy. It's less pressure, we can relax."

"Okay so your relationship with Brenda became too serious, it scared you. Like it had done to her the year before. Back then though you couldn't give her space you kept pushing for her to take you back and you got back together and it was even more intense more all consuming. Maybe that's what you were scared off, that she couldn't give you space either. Neither of you are good at separating and maybe that is what subconsciously you want though. You want to figure out who you are without her. It's the first time you've been sober, have stability around you, and she was the facilitator for that she gave you the incentive to stick with it. That is wonderful but it may also be the problem, you subconsciously may want to see if it's only because of her. I can understand that, her being the reason that your life is together would feel like she has a lot of power in it, and you are your father's son, Jack hated feeling his control being taken away."

"Okay maybe there is more truth in that then I'm comfortable with but if I want this distance why am I yelling down the line wanting to see her, staking out hallway's?"

"Because Jack wasn't supposed to die and she wasn't supposed to be hurt, and I think you didn't ever really imagine that she'd be completely out of your life. I think you always thought that this gang of friends would allow you to still have her in your orbit."

"You think I want space but to have her close?"

"When I went to see her on my last visit here, she was obviously upset. I gave her a crystal, and encouraged her not to throw out all your mementos. I told her that this was just a moment in a long life, that this wasn't the end of your story together. It's not the end, you both have formed a connection that people search a lifetime for, though your youth makes you both manifestly in adequate to support it in a healthy way. Maybe you are just too young, maybe living together, fighting with her parents it became all too much. Too hard."

"Why didn't I say that then? Why didn't I take the out she offered on the beach?"

"Because like I said to her in the car, you don't ask for what you really need just in case it won't be given, and honestly, how do you tell someone you love that it's feeling a little too much like hard work?" She pats my hand, it's the closest thing to physical comfort we offer each other. "Darling, you've fought for this time, you've fought yourself the most to let her go, and she's surrendering to your need for it, don't make it go to waste don't make this pain be for nothing. And more importantly don't try and grab back hold of your connection and cling to it if it's just out of fear of her getting to far away from you."

"Dylan, even the greatest of love can be twisted and poisoned. Look at your father and I, in the end we could barely have a meaningful conversation. He was once my everything, and I was once the only person he could see. We were tainted by many things along the way, hurts and bruised egos cut deep, they become a breading ground for decay. Relationships, love, they are living things they can grow or shrivel up, decompose into the fabric of you and become your past. If you don't want that for Brenda and you, if you don't want her to put that box permanently in the trash then let go. It sounds counterintuitive, but she need's room to heal from this pain you caused, and you need time to figure out yourself. To figure out if you just want easy or if you want that overwhelming love that challenges you."

"You're saying, she's right that we should be apart not even friends?"

"I'm saying you wanted room, so use it. Don't run scared now. Change is scary but it's necessary to develop and grow."

"And Bren and I?"

"There is no Bren and you now, if it's meant to be then you'll find your way back. For what it's worth, I think if you both want it you will find your way back. Seeing how she supported you even from a distance with Jack and seeing how you worry for her, that tells me even through all the hurt there is still plenty of love between you to get over this hurt. I just don't see it as possible right now, I don't think it's healthy right now. I don't think she could trust you or that you have figured out what you needed to."

"I didn't expect I would be completely without her, I didn't think that I'd never get to see her. Know how she is. I'm not sure how to handle the void she's left."

"She hasn't left a void, you pushed her out to create that void. Dylan, it's like you accepting that Cindy and Jim aren't told, you continue to skirt around the issue. Darling this was a choice, you did this, this is the reality you wanted. It's not a comfortable reality, it's not what you are used to but maybe right now you need to live in it and see what it has to teach you."

Andrea and Steve went downstairs and tried to distract everyone while I pulled myself together. Brandon didn't like the idea of being even a staircase apart after that phone call. He and Steve were furious, Andrea was shocked she had never seen that, we had always appeared to her to be relatively calm. Dylan and I though were passionate about our love, about each other, we weren't afraid to call each other out, we weren't afraid to aim a blow that could hurt. The difference this time was that we never usually did it at the same time, and never were we aiming for knock out blows at the same time.

When I walk downstairs, I see Samantha immediately stand. I'm embraced in a hug by the most loved mother in America. It's not like on TV, you imagine her to be all soft, Samantha is more stiff than that more refined, but I've been invited to see a side usually only reserved for Steve. She's taken me under her wing and like Iris has made a relationship with me that is separate from her son's. We are independently joined. Jackie and I never did that, neither did Abby and I.

We pull back and she looks at me, "Brenda you know that we have a garage full of cars, you could ha-"

It's not polite and I would never usually do this to an adult but my Dad would be so uncomfortable if the offer was voiced in a room of people, even as discretely as Samantha was being it would not sit well with my father. "Thank you Mrs Sander's, but I think between Brandon and Steve I'll be lucky to have to walk to the bathroom alone."

She's a smart woman, she clocks the lack of first name and my larger eyes, the acting of formality; she immediately changes into character, she read's the room through me. "Oh of course, though you ever find yourself in need you are more than welcome to borrow one for an afternoon, don't hesitate. And Abigail would appreciate it, she unfortunately has to go for little joyrides in each so the engine's don't lock or is it rust- I'm not sure what an engine does that's Steven's domaine."

Steve walks over, having heard the whole thing. "Mum I love when you talk cars, it makes me think… graduation present!"

I squeeze my lips to hold in the laugh, Samantha turns sparkling eyes on her favourite person. "Sweetheart, when you graduate, and I have the invitation in my hand and have spoken to Mrs Teasley on the phone and Brenda has confirmed that it's not some fake ruse where you have hired an actor to pretend to be the Deputy Principal, then we'll discuss gifts."

Steve grabs his heart, "ouch Mum that cuts, that cuts deep."

Brandon walks over then and puts his arm around the neck of our taller friend, "dude shot down by your own Mum that's got to hurt."

"Thanks for the sympathy Brando."

Whatever smart alike retort is lost as the two of them go bumping each other out of the room in a mock fight. Samantha just looks at me and winks, "Rush wants to buy the car as a welcome to the KEG house! I'm currently trying to change his mind, I'm not sure a fraternity named after a beer holder is the ideal place for Steven. Rush swears it made him the man he is, I don't think he realises that that is not a selling point to me." Andrea comes back into the room and passes me a juice. I give her a smile in thanks but with a look of curiosity.

"Your Mum is worried you might get dehydrated. She knew you were upset when she dropped off the phone." I nod but drop my eyes to the orange liquid. The last thing I want to do is dwell on my tears.

Samantha always perceptive carries on our conversation as if there was no mention of my emotions, "Brenda do you think you will join a sorority?"

"Maybe a few months ago I would have considered it, but my belief in the sisterhood is a little damaged. Andrea what about you will join one at Yale?"

"I don't think I'll have the time, it sounds like I won't have the time for much of anything besides studying."

"Well that's because you'll be with elite brains and kicking all their minds with the highest grade point average."

"I wish I had your confidence in me Brenda, these Yale mixes everyone seems more ready for the challenge. I feel unprepared."

"Say's the youngest Blaze Editor in West Beverly history, a paper that under her leadership wins National student journalist awards. Whilst on the side working with the kids help line as a student support, helping out with your local youth charities near your parents home, and still topping the grade in each course. You are right you are completely unprepared Andrea, really you are such a slacker!"

Samantha, having known Andrea since sophomore when she first came to the Sanders' house for PreSAT prep gives an elegant titter. Andrea looks at me and I can see a little blush rise on her cheeks. "I'm being ridiculous aren't I?"

I raise my brow in response though it's Samantha that answer's, "Andrea is unfortunately a common trait in females, though I'm hoping by the end of the nineties we've overcome it. I won my first Emmy and I still was anxious weekly that I'd open the script and see I'd been written off. Powerful woman are seen as a threat, you either become an ego stroker of others to stay around or you get labelled difficult. Add on top of that the belief that owning our accomplishments looks like bragging, so we don't like to self promote, and well all that together results in women tending to develop a mindset that keeps us always feeling that are successes are luck and that there is always better candidates out there."

"You know I had a similar conversation with Gil Myers's when he wanted Brandon to be co-editor. I felt that there was a subtle gender bias in his decision, not that Brandon is not talented-"

"My brother is absolutely talented, and is a great co-editor but that doesn't mean that your concerns were not valid. Whether he would have done the same if Brandon had been editor for two years by himself we will never know, though statistically women in general do seem to get these slights more than men. Take Mrs T, she's the deputy principal runs the school but she still hasn't been appointed principal even with Mr Henley taking long service leave for the year. It's rumoured that he's retiring but the board asked for him to take the leave first, they want to decide the future direction of the school and then find a principal that will bring it to life."

"Why wouldn't they consider Mrs Teasley? With this whole mess Steve got himself into this year, I have had the opportunity to meet her a number of times. She seems very capable."

Andrea answers, knowing the school politics better than me. "The board is very conservative at the moment, and it's become obvious that there is an implication that she may be too supportive of the students."

Samantha was smart she instantly understood that Steve's graduation could be in jeopardy if the board got involved and pushed for an example. "Whose on the board these day's?"

"Dr Ephardt chairs the board, and he's very close to Mrs Martin who tends to favour a more conservative view on everything."

"Hmmm so Felice has sway." She takes a sip of her wine, "Brenda do you think your mother and Iris would be interested in having a lunch next week, Andrea your mother as well. I could host it at my house or even the Beverly Hills Hotel, we could invite Felice. It's such a shame that high school is nearly over and we mother's haven't formed a tighter bond."

She wasn't even trying to pretend this wasn't anything but ensuring her son could graduate, there is nothing Samantha wouldn't do for Steve. Andrea and I share a knowing smile, we weren't originally from Beverly Hills but after years here we both understood how this town worked. "I'm sure Iris and Mum would be happy to support you in whatever you are thinking."

"My mum doesn't tend to participate in school things because I live with my grandmother during the week to be in the school district, but I'm sure she would like the opportunity to get to know everyone."

"Fantastic, I'll ask Abigail to make a reservation and then I'll call everyone and invite them."

"You know Samantha, Steve is doing everything Mrs T asked there should be no reason he doesn't graduate."

"Brenda, sweetheart it's two months before graduation. I love my son, but two months is a long time anything could happen, it would be nice to have some solid connections if needed." I smile, no one knew Steve better than his Mum. "Now, I hear the guy's who helped you today are coming over. I know Tony and Kyle from Steve's games but Josh I've not met."

Andrea who knew everyone fills in Samantha, "he's a transfer this year from Malibu High. His family moved house and this is his new school district. Brandon's columns mention him a lot, he's a big deal in football and surfing. He's sponsored by a surf brand as he competes on the circuit. He won a big tournament over in Hawaii a few weeks ago."

Donna and David were the first to arrive, they came with flowers. Donna hoped they'd cheer me up. I smile, it's a thoughtful gesture. When Donna begins to asks questions about what happened I politely excuse myself to go see if Mum needs a hand bringing out the food. I know the story is all over school, I know she has heard it, I'm just not sure why my retelling it reliving it is necessary. By the time I've dressed the salad for Mum and bring it to the dining table Josh, Kyle and Tony have arrived.

My Dad is greeting them warmly, after I assume Brandon or Steve who is standing next to them has introduced them. Samantha is also standing and my Mum who has just placed down the chicken next to the salad looks over and see's. "Are these the guy's who helped you?"

"Yeah. Come I'll introduce you."

The guy's turn to me and smile as I walk over, my Mum eagerly approaches them and before I can say anything has already introduced herself and is giving them hugs of thanks. It takes Kyle and Tony off guard, they are used to the Beverly Hills mum's who can be a little standoffish. Josh just smile's like he was expecting it, I guess Malibu parents are a little different than Beverly Hills one's. When my parents and Samantha finally let the guy's into the house enough to sit on the couch I say hello and ask if they'd like a soda or water.

The three say yes, and noting Donna and David are out I offer to top up theirs as well. Josh stands then and offers to help.

"So this is your house, it's different from the houses here." It's not said with any offence.

"Yeah, my Mum doesn't do magazine stage homes. We are originally from Minnesota and homes there are places you live in."

"I hear you. Our house in Malibu was like that, no one cared if I sat down on the couch in my wet towel." I raise an eyebrow at that, he laugh's. "Okay so maybe I'd get told to move but it wasn't the end of the world. Our house here though, my new stepmom has it just so, I'm afraid to touch anything."

"New stepmom, did they just get married?"

"Yep, over the summer. She's twenty-nine, and always wanted a house near Rodeo Drive. My Dad is smitten and bought her a place here as a wedding gift."

"That sucks for you though, I imagine leaving all your friends and changing schools for your final year wasn't what you wanted."

"It's not too bad, I was rarely there last year as I was on the competition circuit, I did most of the year by correspondence, and anyway my Dad's happier now and Lisa, that's my stepmom, is nice even if she likes too much beige."

"Can I ask about your Mum, not that you have to tell me-"

He smiles and opens the can that I have passed him, "it's cool. My Mum is awesome, she is in the music business she tour's a lot so Dad has taken on the lion share of raising me. Though I lived with her sophomore year when she was recording her new album."

"Has she recorded anything I would have listened to?"

"Do you like country?" I bite my lip, "yeah it's not big here well it's big everywhere but not what you'd hear unless you knew which radio stations play it. Mum's from Arizona originally but moved to Nashville when she was about our age. She met Dad a few years later when she was out here to do press on her first album."

"Your Dad a journalist?"

"No a NFL player, well a retired one now. He just does commentary and endorsements now."

Josh… oh my god! I never connected his surname before. "Wait your Dad is, and that means your mum is-"

"Yeah. That's them." He's clearly embarrassed by the acknowledgement of who is parents are. A two time Super Bowl winner and a country music legend, it would be a lot to live in the shadow of.

"Your Mum's songs are great. My Aunt used to love her, play her all the time."

"She's not a fan now? I guess her newer stuff is a little more grass roots country."

"No. My Aunt Sheila died a few years ago of breast cancer. We actually played one of your Mum's songs at the funeral."

"I'm sorry to hear that, breast cancer is… well to say it's a horrible disease isn't strong enough." He spoke like he understand it, had experience with it.

"First hand experience?"

"Kinda, my Aunt my Dad's sister is a specialist here. That's all she treats. Dad and I usually go to the charity benefits to help raise funds for research, especially when Aunt Natalie is speaking-"

"Wait Dr Natalie Donner is that your Aunt, she has rooms next to University Park?"

"Yeah that's her, you know her?"

"Yeah, she's my doctor. I had a scare in sophomore year and well it turned out to be fine, but she's put me in the high risk category ever since I see her yearly for checkup's. She's awesome."

He looks taken aback. "Wow, you're so young to have to worry about that."

"My aunt was diagnosed at thirty-two, we had no idea it was in the family." To think if only we knew before then. "My mum's grandmother died at fifty and well it wasn't diagnosed specifically as breast cancer back then, but from the medical records we can guess that's where the cancer started."

"Sorry to make you uncomfortable." Huh? I give Josh a curious look. "You are playing with your ring-"

"Oh it was Aunt Sheila's, she never married and when she got diagnosed bought herself a ring. She didn't want to wait to own something beautiful. For a long time I couldn't bring myself to wear it but since my scare I have worn it everyday. Brandon says I often play with it, it's a subconscious thing."

"It's a beautiful ring." He pauses like he's questioning the rightness of his next words. "Since we are going deep in here, how are you doing? When I went to sign my statement the police filled me in on this guy's record."

"I've had better day's and that's saying something after the last few weeks."

"Yeah I heard about McKay's dad. You guy's were dating when I moved here and still seemed really close since you broke up, I bet it's hard helping him through that."

"You know Dylan?"

"Not really. We nod when we see each other out surfing, occasionally we've chatted about a set or he's discussed the competitors on the circuit. He's good enough to go pro."

"Yeah, but competition isn't really Dylan's thing, well not were he's a participant-" fuck! "Sorry that came out way more bitter than I meant it to. I'm not usually like that but we had a pretty bad fight about an hour ago."

A look of shock covers his face. "He's fighting with you today?"

"Yeah, he's angry that I didn't want him here-"

Instantly he gets uncomfortable. "Oh man, crap of course you probably don't want a room full of people around you. Me and the guy's can head off-"

"No no, you guy's are fine. It's really nice you wanted to drop past, and honestly if my mother doesn't get to at least feed you in thanks I won't hear the end of it."

"So just McKay's unwelcome. I thought…" a look of clarity shines in his eyes. "He's with your friend Kelly now that must suck."

"Understatement."

"Is that why you don't want him here cause of her?"

"No, kinda not really. Dylan and I…" how do you explain it to an outsider? "Ever heard the saying if it doesn't end badly it just doesn't end?"

"Yeah."

"Well I'm not sure if it could get any worse for the both of us. I think we found bottom tonight, well I hope we did."

"Miller, say's you guy's were pretty tight. Everyone assumed it was a marrying high school sweetheart kinda thing, that you guy's would get back together."

"Hmm I'm-"

"There you two are. Everything okay, we are about to start eating?"

"Yeah Mum, Josh and I were just catching up. Do you know his Aunt is Doctor Donner?"

"Oh what a small world. Your Aunt is wonderful." Mum grabs out some more condiments from the fridge while Josh and I finally grab the drinks and return to the lounge room.