Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Fifteen

It was the first senior activity I couldn't get out of attending. I had skipped the announcement of the winner's, and had tried to see about just submitting a photo. Andrea said it was tradition all pictures had to be taken in the quad near the fountain. She had planned it perfectly for me, there should be no overlap. Josh, Tony, Kyle and Steve were even accompanying me, they all had won in the polls as well. Kyle had won in the same category as me, as we were both single we thought it was hilarious. Tony won sports man of the senior class, he had competed for the last four years here it seemed fitting. Josh had won most likely to break a world record. He had assumed it was in surfing but the guy's and I went out and bought him a Guinness World Record Book yesterday, and had been reading suggestions from it ever since. Currently, we were discussing the potential for him being able to win the record for hotdog eating. Tony was outlining the reason for wetting the bun's when Kyle had jokingly asked about his gag reflex, Steve then mentioned deep throating and I broke out in laughter. Josh didn't find it so amusing and threw his arm around my neck and started to mess with my hair, telling me it wasn't funny.

It was at that exact moment we turned into the quad and accidentally stumbled across a fight between Kelly and Dylan. He was throwing a top hat and cane while she was declaring that all he cared about was the way she looked and the fact she would sleep with him. Josh stopped messing with me hair and tightened his hold on me as I instantly stopped laughing, it was too late though they had heard the ruckus as we had come out of the hallway. Kelly just stared daggers at me like she was wishing I'd disappear, disappear off the planet that is. Dylan, Dylan's look was different I had seen it before, on his younger face, in a car by the beach were he repeatedly kept saying no. Steve stepped in front then, blocking it. Kyle lifted my hand and gently tugged, "I think they are ready for our picture well once Josh fixes your hair." We began to walk away.

"Fix it, don't be stupid Kyle it looks like sex hair it would be ironic."

Steve having caught up to us joins in. "Miller, I'm not sure what I'm more impressed with the fact that you know the word irony or that you correctly pointed out an example."

"Shut it Sander's. My study coach is here and unlike you I actually do the homework she set's." It was at that point I had pretended to not still be stunned from seeing him and tried to resume the banter.

"Tony, Steve does his homework even though I don't coach him-"

"Nope I'm not one of the masses, Gizmo takes care of me for free because she loves me."

"Steve I coach everyone for free, but you are right I do love you. You know in the way you love a naughty puppy that eats your shoes."

Tony, Josh and Kyle laugh, but Brandon who had changed out of his suit for most likely to succeed and was now ready for our picture had overheard. "That's actually a pretty big complement, Bren's weakness is puppies. She adores them."

"See you idiots I'm adored! Why thank you Gizmo, but just to let you know I'm seeing someone."

We all laughed at that. Since winning the dating contest he had been seeing Celeste, he had spoken about her incessantly ever since; we all knew he was seeing someone. She was a nice girl, she had come out for burgers at The Pit with all of us on Wednesday night. By all of us I mean me and the guy's. Andrea would hangout with us too, especially if we were going for a late dinner after our self-defence lessons, but her and Jordan had started something up. We all thought he was great, Brandon thought he was great but maybe not Andrea's type. When I asked him what her type was, he couldn't exactly articulate it but he just didn't think it was Jordan. Steve then asked to see Brandon's licence, when he passed it over he held it up and asked, "is this her type?" Brandon had snatched the licence back but had been quiet about it ever since. The guy's had not been, he had been mocked insensately.

Kyle and I take our picture first, we hold the sign up announcing our title and both pose to look wholesome. A moment before the flash we mockingly toss the sign and pretend to give are best mock sexy pout's. We know we look stupid but the award is stupid, all the awards are stupid. Brandon and I both close our eyes for our one. Andrea let's both pictures through once we have taken serious ones, she promises the mocking ones will be the predominant ones on the page, with only little one's of the serious pictures. Tony holds a football in his, on the second picture the now fun one, we all throw a bunch of mini balls at him; Steve planned that one and somehow managed to get it set up with out Tony's knowledge. Josh is paranoid throughout his picture waiting for one of us to mess it up, but we don't. His picture will run with a bunch of pictures of him winning competitions surrounding it, he will absolutely hate it.

The whole time we are carrying on, I feel his eyes on me. I know that feeling well, I know he's on the balcony the next floor up looking at me. I know he stays there the whole time, I know that if I look up I'll lock eye's with him. I don't, instead I spend time messing around with my friends and try and pretend that I don't notice, that I'm not desperate to look, that I haven't been missing him. When our photos are done I excuse myself, I need to head back to the student centre, final's are approaching and major projects are due. My day's are spent crisis managing student's I've never seen before who are now realising how far behind they are, and checking in with my regulars. Mrs T has tried to assist by getting faculty members to help out, but the students don't want to go to them. They prefer someone who is one of them, it's less intimidating that way, and I seemingly speak their language.

As I walk away I know his eyes stay on me, I begin to wonder if he'll be brave or stupid enough to approach – I can't figure out which it would be or even if I want him to. My brain starts to run scenarios in my head of what I'll say, when I feel Josh casually bump my arm.

"Hey, you know magic mountain is next week, and well before you say you aren't going I just wanted to let you know that Tony, Kyle and I will have your back. Steve of course can't go as he'll miss detention and well I know Brandon will be there but we've got you." The guy's had picked up on the fact that Steve and Brandon were keeping Dylan away from me. I'm not sure what excuse they had given but the guy's knew he wasn't allowed near me after our fight.

"I know, but I think I'm in the clear I saw his name down for the SAT makeup the next day. He should be studying which means you guy's don't have the chore of being on Brenda watch, I'll hang with Andrea."

"You know none of us think of it as a chore, especially, me. I like watching you." I could feel my pulse pick up, and became conscious of my breathing. It wasn't the first time I thought he was flirting with me but it was his most direct.

"Josh-"

"Relax, I know you aren't over McKay. I think the fact your brother and Steve ensure he is kept away, that you meet his mother twice a week for catch-ups, and the fact he just stared at you for fifteen minutes looking at you like you were some magical fairy come to life. I mean it's obvious that whatever transpired between you two was the stuff my mum writes music about." He stops and like a magnet I stop and turn. "I know all of that, and I can wait for it to lessen to hopefully work it's way out of your system, and if that's what you want I'm happy to do that, happy to stay just friends and wait patiently very patiently, but I didn't think it was right to decide that without discussing it with you first. From what I understand you haven't been given all the information this year, I don't know all the details but from what I can gather you were kept in the dark a lot. I didn't want to be someone else who did that, I wanted you to help me decide what we should do."

His dark ocean blue eyes reflected his sincerity, he was being completely honest and putting it all out there to show me he was different. Ten minutes ago I was trying to figure out if I wanted Dylan to approach, I was thinking about how much I missed him; whatever I said to Josh had the potential to hurt him. I just had to decide if it was now or after trying for more.

"Deciding means you have thought of options, can I hear them?" He smiles.

"Yeah, there are three options actually, the first one which by the way is the most terrible but still great because you know friends, it's that we decide that it's never going to happen and well I just keep worshiping you from afar and hope you'll change your mind." I smile, he had obviously put thought into this speech. "The second is that you tell me I'm not altogether repulsive and maybe given time you'd consider trying for something more – now that's not a bad option. I should warn you though, it might mean that my worshiping is a little closer in proximity and that I'll be a little, for lack of a better word, territorial." At that I lift my eyebrow, "not in an ownership way but in the way that I'll be scared that someone will try and come in and sweep you off your feet and I'll miss my chance." I feel my cheeks rise into a larger smile as they get warmer, he reaches out and runs a finger down one of them. It's cool against the heat of my skin.

"And the third option?" It came out breathy, it made him step a fraction closer.

"The third is you let me take you on a date, hopefully many. That you try and see if someone else, if I can make you happy. Brenda, I know with that option I'm getting into a complex situation, I know that you and McKay have wrapped up your lives good and proper with each other. I know that you aren't altogether ready, but in three weeks you've become one of my closest friends, and I really want to see where this could go. I think we can do it if we go in not lying about the elephant in the room and that you are honest about it with me."

"That's not exactly fair on you though, you shouldn't have to date a girl who is still trying to get past her ex."

"That's the point though, you want to get past him. If that changes, if you decide that's no longer the direction you want to travel in then I hope you'll let me know straight away. Brenda, I know this is risky for me, but I also know that this is my favourite option." He steps a little closer, "I should warn you though this one also comes with risks, there will be a lot more worshiping at a much closer closer proximity."

I feel his breath against my face, I can smell him. He smells like the ocean, sunscreen, surf wax, it's familiar but it's different as well, where Dylan smells heavy, deep, like something solid, manly. Josh smells light, like something new, like the ground after a rain shower on a summers day. He smells fresh. "And what about this territorial thing should I be worried about that?"

His hands hover over my hips, "nope. If we do this then we trust each other. No territorial guarding needed, you won't allow someone to get close enough to sweep you off your feet and neither will I. So have you decided which option sounds the best?" He leans even closer then and I can feel his whispered breath against my lips as he quietly says, "go with three, go with three."

Before I can get past the "th-" his lips are on mine as his hands lightly pull on my hips. It's a heady experience.

She had stormed off after Bren had moved away, she had stormed off and I didn't even consider following. Instead I moved quickly to the second story balcony and watched her. Josh had thankfully removed his arm from around her, and Kyle was holding her hand as they moved over to the mirror and straightened up. On seeing herself she had turned and yelled something at Josh, I couldn't make it out but I think I heard the word hair. He just gave her a beaming smile in return. My teeth clenched more, I knew that smile I wore that smile for two years.

The photos are exactly what they should be, a mockery of the archaic popularity contest that is senior polls. They are the type of photos I wish I had been in, they were the type of photos of people who knew this shit didn't matter.

When I go to her house that night I'm not sure what to expect, David though tells me she isn't there, she yelled at Jackie and left. He tells me about the support group he doesn't think she should of blown off, that it may have helped her manage all this. I stand and listen, and realise once again how disconnected I am from her. Bren I went to the hospital to be there for her biopsy I actually went to five, after the hold up I went and waited with her parents while she saw the trauma Counsellor, that week she was all I could think about how I had left her in danger, how I could have lost her. Kelly I didn't even think that she'd need support, I'm an addict for fuck sake I took Brandon after two nights of drinking to AA. Kelly though her heart nearly stopped and I think take out and Casablanca will make it better.

When I find her in the old playground that I chatted to her about earlier this week I can tell she's fragile. I can tell she's lost. "Why are you here? I've been a bitch today to you, to everyone, if I was you I wouldn't want to be around this."

"You are going through a lot, I'm not a stranger to lashing out when I've been like that, when I feel like my world is off balance." Images of my trashed room from over three weeks ago flash before my eyes, the words of that phone call I still can't reconcile with all of them. It was never meant to end up like that. "David told me about your support group that you blew off, maybe it would help."

"He shouldn't have done that, I can't imagine sitting around and talking about my feelings with a bunch of strangers who have serious issues would be helpful at all."

"I don't know, AA has always helped me, and I'm one of the youngest in attendance. They may have all been drinking longer than me, but the problem is still the same at it's core. Maybe you'll find that as well if you attend."

Without moving her feet she swings slightly, like she is trying to not let the truth of that land on her. "Maybe." It's as noncommittal as she can be without dismissing it completely. I know enough about addiction, about people in trouble, you can give them everything you can but they have to want it, be ready to want it. Sarah last year wasn't ready, after pushing Bren aside to try and save her, she wasn't ready. Kel may not be ready yet, and until she is then it's just wasted breath. "I remember playing here, as a kid it seemed so big. I remember you pushing me on the swings so you could see up my skirt."

"That wasn't me, that was Mark he was a little terror he sat next to me and liked to kick me under the table whenever I raised my hand. I learnt quickly not to raise my hand. I wrote about that the other day. He was such an angry kid."

"I thought it was you who pushed me on the swings."

"Nope. I sat over there at recess and lunch, I liked the tree as I could lean against it and read. It was the quietest place in the playground."

"Oh. I thought… do you ever think that maybe we thought everything wrong?"

"In what way?"

"The friendship, the summer, us… it's nothing like I expected it to be, I didn't think it would be so hard. I thought we could at least talk but you seem adamant not to let me in."

I close my eyes, I finally thought we would have a real conversation and immediately she is aiming all the blame at me. I breathe out. "I think this summer we saw one part of each other and they really worked together, I think we both understand what it's like not to grow up with any security how that can make you hold on to different things and be ambivalent to others."

She swings again without lifting her feet, I hear the sniffle. "I thought you were going to say it's all in my head. That it's just Jack and the diet pills getting between us."

"They haven't made it easier for us, but even before that it started wrong. We took those people who found they liked each other this summer and we spent months hyping them up. They became this fantasy, a fantasy I've been trying to find the reality to." May as well go all in. "Can I ask what you liked about me over the summer?"

"You were fun. Remember the tug of war, the jet skis, the volleyball. You took the time to show me things you liked, like old movie's, and you made me feel special, wanted, seen."

"Even before Jack died did you find that again in those two weeks in the six months before that?"

"At times, but Brenda-"

"Isn't to blame for that."

"Of course you'd say that. She's perfect, what did she win today the perfect girl to bring home to your parents, I'm just the girl who looks good. Dylan you should just go back to her everyone wants you to."

"Actually, everyone doesn't, they don't want me anywhere near her, and I'm starting to understand why." I breathe out, and try and do this gently. "Before I choose between you both you two were still friends, actually you were really close up until the park. I'm starting to understand why she wants nothing to do with either of us when she found out everything, but why are you so fixated on her being perfect? Why are you so concerned about someone who I've seen twice in eight weeks?"

"How can you say that? Your mother from the get go didn't hide her dislike of me, and preference for her. Everyone looks at me like I'm the other woman that I'm… I'm Mel's dental hygienist one of the many women he cheated on my mother with."

"You know no one knows right? The gang, my mother and Samantha, but Bren never told anyone else about the summer about the cheating, about the emotional carry on that we still did when she got back. They aren't looking at you because of that, no one is."

"Are you saying it's all in my head? That the whole school isn't judging me for breaking up the perfect couple?"

"I'm saying the whole school thinks she broke up with me and we started seeing each other straight after. They don't know anything else, even the Walsh's don't know anything else."

"So it is all in my head then?"

"It's all in both of ours. I've got so angry about it, denied it, blamed her, tried to hide it, justify it - you name the emotion and I've had it. For eight months, I've not wanted to look at it, I've wanted to run from it, but at the end of the day it's because it's not the person I want to be. I don't want to be Jack who has other women on the side, I don't want to be someone people don't take at their word – you saw how angry I got over the SATs, I had to escape the city because I hated the implication that I was just another McKay who cheat's and lies. But I am, aren't I? Not over the SATs, but over the summer. Brandon and Brenda, when the twins arrived they- besides from everything else between me and Bren, they both became my family, even Jim and Cindy are. My first real family and I do this."

She's quiet for a long time, "you think I'm uncomfortable about how we started, what it says about us, about me?"

"Kelly, I'm wondering when did you start obsessing about your weight so much, when did you start finding fault in how you looked and became so focused on perfection?" I have flashes of dinners with Jack, subtle comments here and there during those day's.

She closes her eye's, like she doesn't want to admit it. "The health spa, when I found out about Mel's affairs." Shit, that long, and I was completely oblivious to it.

"And the first thought in that pool that night, was you not wanting to be the other women. Not feeling good about being that."

She pulls her cardigan tighter. I think she finally gets it too, how much of a mess this is, how we are hurting ourselves in punishment because of it. "We never stood a chance did we? Starting that way, we never stood a chance."

"No we didn't. Neither of us like what it say's about us, neither of us like what it say's about the people we are. Neither of us want to be these people. It's why I'm self-destructing and you are self-harming, we don't want this inside us." We could have pretended to make it something it wasn't, double down on our mistake, keep deluding ourselves by justifying it as some great connection, some great love that has no basis in our reality. We could keep trying so that we can keep pretending, hide behind an illusion a label, hide even from ourselves that we don't like these people, hide that we don't like ourselves. Hide, rather than admitting we were wrong, what we did was wrong.

We are quiet for a long time, letting the truth of all that sink it. The knowledge that we were becoming, had started to become our worst selves together. Finally, when I think she's ready to go she looks over. "Casablanca, are we Ilsa and Rick or Ilsa and Victor?" I know what she is asking if we are one of the great tragic love stories. I can't lie, it wouldn't be fair.

"We are neither, both of Isla's relationships with Rick and Victor started innocently with honour, she thought Victor was dead that's why she turned to Rick. Our summer watching that movie, babysitting, maybe at first we could have been like that, maybe if we had stayed like that never crossed the line beyond friendship, maybe if we had become best friends and if we were both ever free to pursue it, done this honourably, then..." Who knew what it could have been then, what it could have been if I never knew what real undying love was like. Though, I don't think Kelly and I together have the stability to be long term, to build a future, have the connection needed for that, but maybe it could have been better than this disaster.

The silence once again extends between us. "So what do we do now?"

"We go home and tomorrow we meet in the quad and two kids who have known each other their whole school life, take a photo. What happens after that, well I know what happens to me… I'm thinking it's time I reach out to my sponsor Ben, maybe go back to AA, maybe see if Iris and I can figure out how to be family."

"You aren't going to run back to her? I saw you today when you looked at her-"

"No, Kel. Bren and I we weren't perfect or maybe I'm not ready for perfect, if we were if I was, then six weeks away wouldn't have meant anything more than a lot of international phone bills… I'm not running back to anything, I'm going to just stop running for a bit and figure out who I am, without Jack, without Brenda, without the booze."

The photo the next day is casual, it's got none of the rubbish that was planned for the day before. At the end of it, I pass her a folder. It's not all of my writing, it's not even close to it, it's two page's. It though is an account of how a phone call from her, kept me alive. It's two pages that I hope reflect my gratitude for that call, for this chance to not be remembered for being this guy.