Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Note: There are a few lines that maybe triggering to some. They are in italics.

Chapter Seventeen

Senior ditch day.

Magic Mountain.

By the end of the whole bloody experience I had at least broken the seal, Kelly and I had spent over an hour in each other's company and I hadn't killed her or hadn't moved back to my post park haze of emotion. It wasn't like I liked her or wanted to talk to her, but I could stand looking at her- well focus on a point over her shoulder, allowing her to be a blurry blob in my peripheral vision if needs be. It was a step though one I hadn't made in the over two months since the park. A step I made because I guess this is part of moving on, the direction I promised Josh I was heading in.

It was a move not consciously made, but circumstances had created it. Well, I blame the idiot who tried to steal Donna's bag resulting in Andrea preventing it for the circumstances. When I had heard I had rushed to see my friends making sure both were okay. They were at the park security office, David and Kelly were out front waiting too. Kyle had checked in with Kelly to make sure she wasn't with them when it happened. She wasn't. She filled him and by default us in on what she knew and where she was at the time.

She had then gone on to explain her and David had gone on the new rollercoaster that Andrea was a little too afraid to go on. Tony at that point declared he was so getting Zuckerman on that thing- it was awesome. Josh joked that Miller forcing her on rides this morning; he physically picked her up and carried her to Psyclone, is probably why she declined to continue going around the park with us. Tony had denied that was the reason, he was convinced that Andrea felt safe with him and all his muscles. Kyle quipped the muscles yes the lack of brain cells no. Josh laughed too loudly for Tony, landing him in as much trouble as Kyle for the remark, and all three began their jock carry on they get into; I like to refer to it as grown up chases, Steve and Brandon do it as well. A carry on that was made even worse today by the volume of crap they had eaten, adrenaline from the rides, and their enthusiasm for school nearly being over with.

Their chase had moved them in sight distance but not close enough to be my guard, a guard they all assumed was Dylan specific which it was, though it had successfully stopped any contact with her as well.

One minute it took for her to come and sit on the end of the bench I was sitting on, waiting to personally check that my friends were fine. It took her another minute to grow the courage to speak.

"Hi, it's been a while since I've seen you. No one ever sees you at school anymore. Well no one without an appointment." She pauses. I'm not sure if she is waiting for me to fill in the air with my own greeting, I don't. "I heard about your attack, I'm really glad you were okay, I'd have been gladder though if it hadn't happened if it never happened to another person. I wanted to reach out, but I didn't think you'd want to hear from me. I didn't want to add more onto you, those experiences mess with your head, they replay a lot. All the different things that could have happened, leaving your house two minutes earlier, taking a different road, not wearing that outfit to a party, not going on that date." Kelly out of everyone knew what this was like, she knew in a way I couldn't have imagined.

Her acknowledging that she understood from experience, understood the thoughts that still woke me at night, still stopped me from walking down the street alone, well I couldn't be apathetic to that. It wouldn't be right, it wasn't who I am, and I wouldn't dismiss her honesty. "Yeah, that would be nice, at least though it got one less of them off the street making us all a little safer."

"I imagine there is comfort in that, I only wish they were… it doesn't matter now I can't go back." I knew what she was saying I knew because while that gunman from the holdup was on the lose I never felt safe, I can't imagine what it would feel like for the guy who did assault you to be walking around.

We are quiet for a while, Josh looks over at me from the group of football guy's they've bumped into and gives me a look. The look of do I need rescuing. I subtly shake my head, he winks and goes back to his conversation. The exchange doesn't go unnoticed by my bench partner.

I'm waiting for her customary he's cute or I hear he's a nice guy, the stuff we used to say to each other when we were friends. The stuff I'm ready to retaliate with, my are you going to go after him too now comment, on the tip of my tongue.

She surprises me and doesn't say that.

"It's too late to say I shouldn't have done anything with him, I shouldn't have gone after him. It's too late to say it was a mistake, and that I'm sorry, because the reality is I made the same mistake for months, repeatedly. I think when it's made that many times it can't be a mistake, I think like Mel and his cheating and lying, it stopped registering with me that it was wrong, that I was in the wrong. I justified it by believing he and I had something special, but it obviously wasn't special enough for him to ever choose me over you." She pause's again. I'm not sure if it's to gain more courage or figure out how much honesty she wants to give; it's the latter. "The first thing I asked him that night when I realised the decision had been made was if he choose me because you didn't turn up to the party, he couldn't even lie and say no. All he could give me was a maybe."

I don't say anything, I don't have anything to say. My anger at her, has burnt out, my hatred of her has been exorcised in my long phone calls and numerous letters with Val. To say I was indifferent to her summed it up, she was no longer a factor in my life. She wouldn't be a factor again, she had aimed our friendship on purpose into a pile of rocks, it had crashed and sunk into the bottom of the ocean. It is unsalvageable now.

"When we broke up he said he thought he was self-destructing and I was self-harming because we didn't like the people this has made us. It sounded right, I'm in a support group for eating disorders and a lot of people start because of the control it offers, especially when your life is so out of control or you feel out of control." Again this is something I can't ignore, I wouldn't let her turn me into a person who ignores someone when they were struggling- she couldn't take my integrity like she's tried to take everything else from me.

"Well, it's good that you are getting help." Val yells in my head, stop being saintly. "After Amanda and how anti you were about them I was actually surprised you had started using diet pills, but then I thought maybe you had forgotten about her, forgotten about that night, forgotten about your promises."

"I deserve that-" are the remorseful victim voice.

"Kelly, I have no interest in being your punisher, I have no interest in dolling out what you deserve, because in the end it gives me nothing. It doesn't take away what you did to you and I."

"I hope you know I regret it though, I regret ruining your relationship with Dylan."

I laugh, a humourless chuckle. She doesn't get it. "You didn't ruin Dylan and I. That's all on Dylan, you aren't some temptation, some incredible irresistible creature he couldn't say no to. He has proven he is quite capable of that in sophomore year. Dylan ruined us, that's on him. Not you. You ruined you and me, our friendship that I thought was for life, you ruined the belief that I had found someone I could depend on who had my back as much as I had her's. Kelly, boyfriend's- well, I hoped Dylan and I would last, I didn't have the same hope for you. I assumed that we would, that friendship, best friends stopped being fickle after junior high, after everything we had gone through together I thought we had become friends for life. I thought you and I would still be calling each other up at eighty to gossip about god only knows what. That though is what you destroyed, you chose the possibility of- what, did you think you and Dylan would be for life? That you had found your forever? A soulmate that neither of you recognised until I was out of town? Well regardless if it was that or just the possibility of a good few months. You choose that over us, our friendship- the relationship that was actually going to last for life. The relationship you could actually count on being more than just a passing fantasy."

I stand, I'd rather go listen to the endless football crap than have to stomach much more of this. She stops me though by grabbing my hand, "Brenda do you think I could have a second chance at this whole friendship thing? We could try-"

"Kelly, this was your second chance, it began the night of that sleepover. You made the exact same mistake twice, chose a guy over your best friend, it would be madness to think you wouldn't make it a third time. Though I hope I'm wrong for your sake, because otherwise Donna is the only friend you are ever going to have; well that's assuming your step brother is the actual line you won't cross."

It's at that moment the doors open and Andrea and Donna come out, once we've checked on them Andrea declares she's ready to try the Viper. Tony cheer's and starts to lead the way, Donna wants to go too which means David comes, resulting in Kelly tagging along. For the rest of the afternoon because we don't want to leave Andrea, and Donna doesn't either. It because this group of us moving through the rides. Josh and me stick to the front, we aren't overly affectionate I'm not ready for that, I'm not ready to be someone's girlfriend again but we stick together, flirting and playfully touching each other. It's not wrestling on the grass, force feeding each other chips, but it's nice. Kelly stays to the back, Kyle eventually moves back there to check on her. He disclosed to me why he has a soft spot for Kelly, what she did that summer before junior year; and while he may have thought her comment about my bruising was more gossiping than genuine concern, after hearing about the pills he's talking to her once again. I'd be no better than her if I had an issue with it, and I don't. My connection to these people doesn't rely or have anything to do with her.

When I see Brandon that night, after he had to stay and take care of The Pit due to Nat being sick, I hear all about his day, and by default that of Steve's and Dylan's. After bonding over trying to track down Burt Reynolds, and after Steve finally had a chance to get all his anger at Dylan off his chest, my horror movie force feeder had formed a tentative truce with my ex. Steve told me the next day when I went over to his house to chat with Samantha about my college offer's, that it was a truce that means he may now answer with a word rather than a grunt.

He did ask then if I wanted to hear what was going on with him, that he may be finally trying to work his shit out, but I declined. Iris had hinted at something like that as well in our last couple of chats. Brandon never did, he knew I'd ask for information if I wanted to and he'd let me know if Dylan ever really needed me. Him getting help though, well it was good he was trying to make sense of everything, especially after Jack, but I knew I couldn't dwell too much on it. The realisation on my first date with Josh of how much hope I had in Iris' words had left a taste of guilt in my mouth. If I was going to dwell on the what if's, the hopes he'll get better, I knew I'd have to tell Josh I had stopped moving in the direction he hoped I was. I wasn't willing to do that.

Dylan could take years to get his shit together and once he did he may have moved me to the some girl he once knew in High School category; he may have promised I'd never end up there but Dylan's promises meant absolutely nothing these day's.

Prom.

I was supposed to go with her, I was supposed to dance with her, I was supposed to have that night and hopefully the next morning with her; well, if I could have convinced her parents to drop the curfew. Instead she was going with him. I prayed and I don't ever pray, but I pray she was only going to the dance with him and straight home. No hotel rooms, lookouts, or anything else in between, just straight home.

Hypocrite was added to the list of character flaws, after the boat after the ranch it was rich to even think I had an ounce of pull in any prayer in this regard. That she had to remain only mine.

Karma is what Iris would refer to this as. Karma comes back three fold, that's what she told me that Hawaiian summer when Dad was arrested. I hoped this was the three fold; I knew it wasn't. I needed to add delusional to the list as well.

Brandon wasn't going with anyone. Tony I heard was considering trying to put together a poker night for the single guy's. I heard as Steve was teasing Brandon one lunchtime about not having a date and ending up at Miller's game. Brandon looked uncomfortable and said no he wouldn't be joining in on that. When Steve left I asked what was with the face.

"I may have got in a little too deep betting this year."

"I remember you were putting money on sports game's. It became a problem? You never said anything."

"Yeah, you know me I have to watch my moderation. Anyway, I stopped so going to a poker game is probably not the best idea."

"It's good you were able to see it and put an end to it."

"Yeah, I didn't see it. Not until someone pointed it out, and well I promised I'd stop and I won't break that promise."

He never mentioned who pointed it out, or who he made the promise to but I knew instantly. "Yeah, I think I've torpedoed her belief in people, it you need help keeping the promise we could hang that night. I can keep you from gambling and you can keep me from drinking thinking that I should be at the prom with her."

It was the closest references that I had made in the over five weeks since his warning. I didn't know how it would be taken, if I would be told off again. He didn't though he didn't say anything, but "yeah we could hang out."

Iris and Cindy were both annoyed that Brandon and I were missing our prom. My mother and I were over for dinner at the Walsh's, Brenda as usual when I was in the house was no where near it. Both of them were going on and on about it, how we shouldn't miss this rite of passage event, how we will regret it. They even tried to convince us to go dateless.

Brandon and I looked at our mothers and shook our heads, "yeah sitting at a table all night watching couple's dance while we eat bland food. I'm not sure I'll be regretting that forever."

"Dylan, but you could be with your friends."

I looked down at that, I'm yet to own up to my true role in the breakup and fracturing our group. It was something I was going to do but until I felt I had a handle on my reasoning, on myself I was hesitating. My psychologist didn't think that was a bad idea considering my relationship with Jim.

As they continue laying on the pressure the phone ring's, Jones like a Jack-in-the-box jumps up, he gives me a silent it sucks to be you smile as he moves out of the room to pick up the phone.

"Hello. Talk to me."

"Brandon, you need to get a better greeting. Something more original."

"Well, if it isn't the evil triplet."

"Stop calling me that."

"I will once you apologise for putting my transformer in the microwave."

"It was eight years ago, let it go already. You shouldn't hang on to all that anger, it's not healthy."

"Say's the women, who still won't talk to Bobby."

"Hey, your cousin knows what he did, and accident or no accident until he actually shows remorse I'm not giving him the pleasure of my words. Now why are you so confrontational this evening? I usually get a sweeter greeting than this."

"Sorry Val, I'm currently listening to Mum and Iris lecturing Dylan and I for not attending our prom."

"Mr I Expect to Have It All is not going- well that's excellent. Thank you that made my week."

"Our mother's don't think that. They are trying to convince us to not have a guy's night instead and to go to prom stag."

"Wait, you are hanging out with him and not going?"

"Yeah, I'm not seeing anyone and haven't really felt like asking someone, especially with the whole not dancing thing."

"Well then why don't I fly out to be your date? We have miles and Abby would love that shit, would give her something to plan with Aunt Cindy."

"You want to go together?"

"Well I'm not Kelly Can't Keep My Hands To Myself Taylor, I'm not offering to go with that waste of space."

"Wow, I've never had such a romantic invite. You really know how to sweet talk a guy. I feel so desired."

"I'm willing to fly coach- that should be sweet talk enough."

"It would get Mum off my back, I could be there for Bren, and she would love to see you, that would make her year."

"Now who's the sweet talker. You do know a hot woman is offering you a date, you could pretend to be flattered."

"Val if you are feeling hot you should take off the jumper and turn your heating down, you don't want to get sick."

"I can totally see why you don't have a date. Your sense of humour Brandon hasn't matured past the fart joke."

"They are classic's."

"Is your better half there, I'd like speak to someone who appreciates me?"

"Nope, she's out at Josh's house, the guy's are watching Josh's Dad's old Super Bowl games they are trying to help her acquire a love for the sport."

"God, that sounds as dull as watching paint dry. The only excitement in football is to see who win's. Did she volunteer for this because Mr I Don't Know How Not To Be A Lying Cheat was coming over?"

"No, Josh loves football, he's a surfer professionally, but he does love the game, and the guy's love it too. She's trying to understand what they predominantly speak about."

"Your sister has become too compliant, I need to have a serious talk with her about not trying so hard to move on. Josh seems like a nice guy it will happen naturally, and then Mr I Threw Away The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me will be in the past."

"You ever going to call him by his real name?"

"No. He doesn't deserve the respect." She sighs, "okay I'm going to go and tell Abby I'm using miles to go to LA."

"I think she prefers if you call her Mom."

"Say's the guy who has always referred to Aunt Cindy and Uncle Jim by their first names behind their back's. Anyway tell her I rang, and tell her I don't care how much good woo he gives, watching football from over a decade ago it's a waste of time."

"Will do Val. Hey thanks for coming out I guess it would be kinda nice to go to Prom."

"You are welcome. See thank you, it's not that hard." I roll my eyes, she could never let anything slide. "Oh and Brandon there will be none of the I don't dance shit you have been sprouting since you moved to California. I've been to enough Walsh Family gatherings to know Grandma Walsh expects a dance with all her male relatives since Grandpa Walsh died. Economy ticket Brandon- there will be dancing."

With that she puts the phone down before I can tell her that it's not going to happen. As I turn around I'm faced with a solemn Dylan, whose got empty dinner plates in his hands, clenched a little too firmly.

"She's watching old football games now, she must really like him."