Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Twenty-One
She tenses in my arms, I immediately lift her upright and take my hands off her. I don't miss the war in her eyes, the relief and the longing as my hands leave her; I hate that my actions have fractured us so badly. I hate that my touch is no longer just wanted, needed. "Thank you for the dance." I briefly scan the room and give her amused eyes trying to break the unease that is settling between us, "I didn't think we would make that much of a spectacle."
Schooling her features she tries to present the appearance of control, a nonchalant attitude; I'm unsure if that's for me or the room at large. "Hopefully, someone will top this. I'd prefer not to be the topic of conversation come Monday morning."
When we make it back to our tables it is to two tables full of guys and Val. Bren goes immediately over to her seat and places a hand lightly on Josh's shoulder then leans in and grabs her water glass from her place seating. The touch was unneeded, it makes me push my molars together; she's pacifying him because of our interaction, letting him know that it was just a dance. I hate that, I hate so much of all this.
Val doesn't say anything, but the smirk and lift of her eyebrow let me know she is well aware of my inner thoughts and loving the fact I'm suffering. I already know she will be the hardest of the triplets to accept any reconciliation, well if I'm lucky enough to convince her Bre to try again.
Bren looks at David, "where is everyone? I can't see them on the dance floor, well except Kimberley with the cheerleaders. Did they decide to go back and get a picture together?"
"No, Donna felt a bit woozy from the spinning so they took her to the restroom." When they aren't back in five minutes and the conversation has evolved from college offers to which college football team is the best of all time, Bren stands. "Excuse me, I might go check and make sure everything is okay."
"Thank god. I couldn't listen to another old game highlight. I'll go with you."
A few minutes later Val is back at our table looking annoyed, "McKay it's time to see if your knowledge and connections here are as good as Bren says." I lift my brow stunned, Bren never gloat's about the money or the McKay name, it's honestly never appeared to matter at all to her, and in many way's has been a hinderance to us because of her father. "Blonde number two is hammered, we need to get her out of here because of your schools ridiculous no graduation rule."
Shit. David stand's, and when everyone else goes to Val gives them all a death stare, the biggest football heads in the school, the one's that many kids across all four grade's fear, sit-back appearing chastised from the slight brunette. "Now, don't you think two tables standing as one without their female dates and then congregating out the front of the female restrooms would appear suspicious?"
Her eyes move back to me, she isn't someone who likes to ask for things twice.
"It's the restroom just out the front of the ballroom?" She nod's. "There is a service lift for the ballroom that they use for large functions, it gives access to the room service kitchens and handles any additional catering needs that the smaller one at the back of the room can't, it's just around the corner from the restrooms. It's maybe twenty twenty-five feet. Can she walk that far?"
"No, but we can hold her up, make it look like we are just walking out as a group. Not sure why though we would be walking that away from the prom and not to the main entrance."
Josh speaks before I can, "pretending to continue the Party, like we have a room upstairs."
It's not a bad idea, "I can ask Henry to get us a room. With the lobby full of people, it will be hard to sneak her out through there unnoticed even if we try and exit using the back entrance of the hotel."
"I've got that covered." The relief that runs through me when it's Silver's voice and not Josh's is intense. I turn and look at David, he looks like his puppy just died, his dreams squashed, and I guess they are. From that face it sounds like he had big hopes for the night. I remember those hopes, my hopes in this very hotel; room 271. Best night of my life, it had never felt like that, before her and now I can sadly say after her, it had never felt like that.
"McKay, do we need anything for the lifts to work?" Val is all business.
"No, you need a key to make them access the penthouse floors and the Presidential Suite, but not anywhere else."
"Okay, well we better get going. Blonde is in a pretty bad way, I'm not sure how much she drank, though from the size of her I assume she mainly eats air and maybe a lollipop when she's feeling lightheaded."
David, Brandon, Steve, Kyle, Josh and I are standing out the front holding our dates bags and scarfs, appearing as if we are waiting on them so we can leave. Brandon forever the reporter is talking to Steve, Kyle and David about how much she drank at Mel's and in the car. Having just come back from checking that the lift is in service and still requires no security to access the floors I'm on the peripheral of the group. Josh uses that to his advantage.
"So you used to live here?"
"Off and on, my Dad had a house in Beverly Park Circle, but he traveled a lot or when he was in town he and I often needed space from one another. From about twelve, I lived here more than anywhere else."
"And Brenda's been here? Henry the manager looks like he knows her well."
"We gave up the suite before she and I began our relationship, but yeah Henry and I have remained in contact, she's come with me to many of our catch-ups."
"You speak French." Huh?
"Yeah, I speak a couple of languages, but yeah I'm fluent in French."
"Brenda, taking AP French this semester and with her trip over the summer; I didn't know you both spoke it." I don't say anything, I'm not sure what he is wanting me to say. "She still meets your mum twice a week-" okay now we are getting somewhere.
"My Mum thinks of her as a daughter, she loves Bren and Bren loves her." From my tone I think he realises that I understand what he is doing, his prying into my and Bren's business, our life, is not okay.
When I start to think his silence is an indication that he won't say more, he continues. "I didn't think you were much of a dancer, I thought you and-"
"You assumed. Josh is there a point to all these questions?"
"You guy's were really together." Is he an idiot? My face must give away my inner monologue. "I knew you guy's were together, I even said to Brenda it seemed like the type of relationship my Mum writes songs about, but seeing it with my own eyes… your lives, every part of your lives are… were entwined, even the way you move together-"
"Yes. She is my family, I'm her's, that will never change regardless of if we aren't or are together."
"Are together? You want her back?" I say nothing, hid response is thick with frustration, "she is moving on, she wants to move on." I say nothing, wanting and being able to are two different things; I learnt that lesson after she broke up with me in sophomore year in Baja with another girl I regret- thankfully it was just one kiss. "You can't seriously believe that you guys could ever work again, how could she ever trust you? She is never-"
I swallow the smile that wants to rise up, this guy is scared of us, scared of our connection- excellent. "One of the best things about Bren is she surprises you constantly, she is unpredictable. I wouldn't put her and never in the same sentence if I were you, especially when it involves her and I."
Just then the doors open and Val and Andrea walk out, followed by Bren and Kelly who are holding up a visibly drunk Donna. I move to the front to lead the way to the lift as David comes in and replaces Kelly from holding Donna up. Her slurred protest of, "oh no, l finally had my two best friends back together-" is audible to all of us.
Val's response is immediate, "best friend? The math club shouldn't have given condoms tonight they should have given dictionaries, simple words like loyalty, support, friendship are completely misunderstood by some of you, or maybe it's the word reciprocate-"
"Val-"
"Bre, come on that one was provoked."
We are feet away from the lifts when Gil walks past. "You all are leaving so soon?"
Andrea and I who are in front of the group step over to our teacher as the rest keep moving. "Yeah, there is only so many times you can listen to people shout out class of 93, or hear I'm going to miss you by total strangers before it becomes a little too disingenuous."
Gil, laughs at my response, "I hear you. Wait till graduation, that's going to be the worst."
We didn't see it, we were talking to Gil keeping him distracted, but one minute they were moving into the lift and the next we hear that Donna trips over the lift edge and stumbles to the floor. Mrs T who had been coming up the stairs see's her fall and yells to hold the lift, she goes to check on her. It is then that our Prom celebrations were over for the night.
Andrea and Brandon keep me abreast of the situation, the head of the school board and Mrs T meet on Monday morning with Donna's parents to discuss the incident. By Monday evening there is a closed session hearing between Donna and the school board. The gang meets, along with our new members at The Pit. We all attempt to study, but really for most it appears that nothing is going in as we await the news. I know my Mum, Samantha, and Gail Andrea's Mum are over with Cindy discussing the incident and waiting to hear themselves. Their little group formed in part to help Samantha ensure her son's graduation, they never envisioned they would be seeing Felice's own daughter not be.
When the call comes from Donna, Brenda takes it, the girls know by silent deference that she is the best to handle the difficult conversations. Andrea would ask too many questions and not go into her listening role that she has perfected in the student help line; unable to not be emotional when dealing with someone she really cares about her inner wanting to know it all comes out. Kelly, well sympathy is not her strong suit, she has always been awkward with that emotion; ignoring Bren during her breast cancer scare, disregarding Steve's feelings on his first birthday after finding out he was adopted, Scott's death, Jack's death… sympathy and empathy are not her forte.
The next day it hits the gossip mill that Donna won't be graduating with us, there is a deflation within the senior class. Her helping David run his radio show had endeared her to many, everyone felt they now knew the girl and had become friends with her from hearing her daily for months. When the seven of us from our original group of eight get called to Mrs T before lunch we aren't sure what's going on. It can't be her dobbing us in for the drinks as I don't drink, and if it was Kyle, Josh, Tony and Kimberley would be there as well.
Letter's of recommendation, character references are required for Donna's appeal. We sit at The Pit that night discussing them. Josh, Kyle and Tony are once again in attendance, after all they are Bren's bodyguards or buffers these day's for these larger group interactions that she keeps finding herself dragged into.
Words have been pouring out of me but on this one I'm lost. Donna and I have never been close, add to that her blatant ignoring of Bren's feelings- her support of Kelly, I'm not sure what I'm expected to say, I'm not sure what Bren is supposed to say. I'd love to ask her but I don't know if I'm allowed to, she hasn't spoken directly to me since the prom, and I'm not sure if my conversation would be welcome. Was the prom a one off or am I allowed to engage with her again?
My psychologist advised me to ask, to ask what her boundaries are, but I don't want to. Before I had only seen her twice since the park, but including prom I had seen her three times in five day's. I'm not willing to give that up, and if I ask for more than she is willing to give, to be able casually speak to her when I like I might be denied what I have now. I know I wouldn't cope with that again, I know being away from her now would be too much.
Brandon had also not given me any indication of what's acceptable now, nor Steve or Andrea. Josh though- well he is not delighted by me being around. His arm is always on her shoulder or around her waist, and while I had never seen them together once they started dating, something in the way she doesn't naturally lean into his touch, in the way her body reacts it tells me that this is new. My teeth still clench seeing it, but also there's a spark of hope every time, it makes me happy. He knows that I'm a risk that her and I aren't over, and if I have anything to say about it will never be over.
Brandon's suggestion of a walkout, makes me want to laugh out loud until I realise he is serious. I look at the people around the table, they all look convinced that this is something we should do, I'm yet to believe it. Finals start tomorrow, I'm needing to go well in those; I've applied to a number of colleges- specifically colleges with good writing programs and good acting programs. To think we may be away from each other for year's on end is not a reality I'm yet to willingly accept, especially after having experienced what it's like to have her out of my life, cut off from her altogether. I don't want distance like that, distance when I know what it's like for her to be away from me, how I hate it, how it feels like the best of me is missing; because it is. I've applied to everywhere I assume she has. I need to go well in these finals to help push my late applications over the edge at some place's, not being close to her at least in the same town as her is not an option.
When they start dividing up the senior class, I remain silent. She's the only one who see's my uncertainty, and creases her brow in curiosity. I shake my head, I don't want this to be a public conversation. She nods.
When everyone disperses to make phone calls, I see her decline Josh's offer of a lift. Brandon's not working so he'll take her home. He lightly kisses her lips, it's like an accident a horrific accident my eyes don't want to see it but I can't look away. My soul screams, that this is my fault, she had to see more than that at Christmas with Kelly. That this isn't nearly the karma I deserve.
When everyone has left, she walks away from Brandon and Nat's chat at the counter and comes over to me. I'm still in the corner table the one that up till a few minutes ago were surrounded.
She nod's at the paper of the names I got, "want me to make those calls I don't mind? You don't really appear keen on this idea."
"I need my finals, Jack was big on college and well a lot of the places I have applied to want to see my final transcript. You were right, I got my results of my retake of the SATs I did even better this time than last. It's not enough though, my semester one transcript was dismal, I need this one to be better to prove junior year and second semester of sophomore weren't flukes. I need to show that I can keep up with the course work."
"Congratulations on the SATs, and deciding on college, but you know I'm sure your dad would be proud of you even if college is still not your thing. You should do it for you, what makes you happy."
"It will. When you rip away your own.. and others have helped rip away all you care about all your happiness… when you have nothing left, no distractions, no delusions, no misplaced anger, it's easy then to see what makes your life meaningful. What you can't live without. I need to go well in these finals."
Her swallow is the only visible sign that she knew what or rather who I can't live without. "You know I don't see Mrs T flunking out the whole Senior grade, for one the pressure from the parents alone would overwhelm the School Board. The hit to the schools reputation for making the whole senior class complete summer school and potentially miss out on college offers would be catastrophic. Besides finals, what else is playing on your mind about this? You have been tense all night."
My smile I try and bite down, I love that she knows me better than anyone else. "Donna and I aren't that close, and after her ignoring you about what I did-" she tilts her head to the side and then realisation.
"Val's comment."
"No, it had been mentioned to me before that. I never expected, I never thought… well I never thought at all. This whole year I've been not wanting to see the truth about so many things, I've been running away from so much… anyway what do I say about Donna? That's she is good to some people. Loyal when it's convenient to her. That she is willing to be there for people as long as it doesn't cost her anything."
Bren stops standing and sits across from me. "You have always known you couldn't count on people, you said it to me before. Who can you count on now?"
"You. Iris, Brandon and Nat in most things. Ben as long as I'm continuing to work my program. That's it."
"I always told you that I wanted you to know you can count on people, that you weren't alone. I think somewhere in the middle of us, of the no one to people in general is right. You've spent two and a half years learning to trust people, be more open, and this year I've learnt you can't trust everyone, that blind faith is not good either. Donna is a good friend, I know if I was in the same predicament she'd do the same for me; I can't say that that would be true in everything though, but on something like this she'd have my back. I see the levels now, I didn't see them before."
"I'm sor-"
"No. Do I wish I learned that an easier way, absolutely, but I'm glad I learnt it. We are about to go into the big wide world- well you have always lived there, I needed to be tougher than I was to survive that. I also know now to protect things I need and want more fiercely, that somethings no one should be allowed to go near. All that knowledge though, it doesn't mean that I cut myself off from people. It just means I see their limitations and I accept them, like I'm sure they accept mine. I won't give everyone everything anymore, but I can still give empathy, support and help, and Donna needs our help." God she is amazing. "So do you want me to make those calls?"
"No, I've got it." She smiles and stand's, "Bren I won't ask if you feel you can count on me, but I hope you feel it one day."
The next day, we march on the school board building. When we first arrive, the Walsh's come out and try and talk us out of it, my Mum comes with them though and gives me the proudest look and then hugs Bren who in this crowd. I make sure she is no more than two feet away from me at all times- even if it means being near Josh and her other bodyguards all day. There is no one I trust with her safety more than me, not even Brandon.
Donna is graduating and the rest of the school have overturned the new uniform rules. The LA media are out covering the story, when they speak to Brandon to get his take on the student protest they see me, Iris, Samantha and Josh on the steps as the crowd disburse to make their way back to school. Iris and I both avoid them, but Samantha all but pulls Bren into the frame as the camera gets ready to turn on them. Steve who is standing next to me quietly chuckles at that, I look at him. "Mum has taken Gizmo under her wing, she thinks she has natural talent. She is introducing her to lots of people in the industry and hoping to help her launch her career while she is studying."
This is my chance, "Bren's staying in LA then for school? I know she was applying to out of State colleges as well."
He looks at me trying to determine if he should say anything, he huffs before he speaks not knowing if he is doing the right thing, "it's between LA and New York. She has offers in both places, well she has lots of offers, but both will allow her to build a resume while at College. She hasn't decided yet."
New York and LA, I knew both had schools in the top ten best acting colleges in the world. LA was fine I was in with my SATs and McKay name, New York was harder. As we walk back to sit our afternoon finals I keep focused on the goal, being close to my girl. If I want to ever try and convince her that we should try again having the whole country between us would be challenging. I have to go well.