Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Twenty-Five
How do you try arguing with that? How do I selfishly say that us loving each other is more important, when I love her, I think she's magic, that she's amazing, but she no longer feels that in herself? That my actions and what she had to endure- contort herself into to try and keep me, has resulted in her losing sight of who she is, has made her not like who she is, who I made her become.
I can't.
All the fight leaves me, and I simply nod.
"Okay." It's quiet but I know she hears. I know she knows I'm no longer going to fight her, I'm going to respect what she needs and wants.
We sit there next to each other on that couch, we sit for a long time not saying anything. We sit while I listen to one of my favourite sounds, her breathing- today it's the sound that lets me know she is safe, she is well. Other time's it's the sound that would let me know when she was excited, scared, relaxed, sleeping, turned on- it's the sound that I'm not sure when or if I'll get to hear like this again. Hear just the two of us, in a moment that neither of us are ready to end.
Somehow through the silence and the air being expelled and sucked in I have moved to just look at her. We are sitting on the couch; one leg on the floor the other bent on the cushion turned at an angle to face her, she is mirroring me in every way- she's my perfect partner. As I look at her and just take her in my eyes slide down to her lips, the lips I know so well. The lips I found myself being pulled towards, my eyes flash to hers I'm asking for permission and as she's granting it I hear the key in the door. She bites her lip and expels the air in her lungs sharply to the point that the air has a slight whistle.
"Saved by the bell, well by the key." It's her way to lighten what could have almost happened, what nearly happened; it does nothing to ease my frustration. I had missed those lips, I had dreamed about those lips, I may never have another opportunity to kiss those lips.
I shake my head at my mothers timing, as we stand to greet her.
She walks in and instantly spots her, "Brenda. Darling, it's so good to see you."
Brenda kisses her cheeks, "Iris you saw me on Saturday."
"Doesn't matter, it's always good to see you." My mother clocks my face over Bren's shoulder. "Sorry, if I'm interrupting something."
Bren looks back at me, "you aren't. I'm just catching up with a old friend." Those words both burn and sooth. I'm not out of her life completely, it was her first acknowledgment of that, but it was also the recognition of what I had become. I was now just a friend, I forever would be just her friend.
She looks at her watch, "oh is that the time I need to go get ready for graduation." She then makes the step to me and kisses my cheek, she doesn't linger, it's not long enough but it's also the first time her lips have been on my skin since before Christmas. I'm trapped in the sensation of that, trying to burn that into my memory- I don't really register her quick kiss on Iris's cheek or that my mother and I are once again alone in this house until Iris speaks.
"Are you okay?"
"No."
Thankfully she doesn't ask for me to explain she just reaches out and touches my forearm, " Sweetheart, what do you need?"
Brenda. My girl. A time machine.
"I don't know if I can stay here. I just want to go."
"You want to run away?" She tries to hide it but there is an undertone of disapproval.
"She's… she's done with me. She can't forgive me for what I turned her into, she could forgive the cheating and the lying but she can't forgive the fact I…" I move away from my mum's gentle touch I don't deserve it. "I made her beg, I treated her like she was just some girl I went on a date with, I let her beg while I carried this horrible secret- while Kelly knew. She can't forgive that I let her do that and didn't stop that." I pull at my hair, "but she doesn't even blame me for it. She blames herself for participating for not stopping it, for loving me too much." My eyes, I feel them fill, "I choose Kelly because she turned up to one party after Bren had allowed me to treat her so horribly for months, allowed me to disrespect her so much- and I still felt hard done by because one night she didn't show. I'm disgusting."
My mother moves closer but doesn't touch me, "sweetheart, you aren't. You made a mistake a lot of mistakes but you have been working hard to make sure you don't make then again. You need to learn to forgive yourself and by the sounds of it Brenda is trying to do the same."
"Mum I don't think I can stay here for a whole summer and watch her with him, watch her move past me, forget about us. I don't think there's enough AA meetings I could go to to make me not want to drown myself in a bottle." She looks at me holding in how shattered I am and knows I'm not lying; numbing this. giving up the fight after I have just surrendered the person I love the most, sounds like the only way to escape this.
"Let's go to Hawaii, you can do your therapy via phone. You can go to AA meetings there, you can write, you can surf, and I can support you. You can heal on that volcanic soil that is the birth place of all new life on this ancient planet. That soil healed me it can heal you too Sweetheart."
I don't even fight her on her new age hippy rubbish. I don't fight because being on that beach and remembering the last time I was there, her excitement when I rang, how I came home and she hugged me being there healed us last time maybe it can again.
While I get changed for graduation Mum organises the tickets. We leave tomorrow night.
Andrea's speech is wonderful, she is right I don't have any idea what's ahead, but I do hope my friendships- my relationship with the twins will last a lifetime; I need her in my life forever even if I can't have her the way I want, I need.
Later that night after the endless photos, the dinner Mum and I had, after I started packing, Brandon, Andrea, Tony, and I are sitting around our cleared camping ground when we hear them.
"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Lions and tigers and bears."
As I see Brenda and Steve skip into the clearing arm in arm singing the wizard of oz song like two year olds I can't help but smile, she looks like she is having fun.
"There's my better half."
"Why Brando I didn't know you felt that way about me, thanks but Celeste isn't into sharing."
Bren snorts a laugh and goes to her brother and plops down, he immediately throws his arm around her while shaking his head at Steve. It was good to see the twins were back to Sophomore year close, they were always the happiest when they had each others back. While I'm looking at them Josh, Kyle, Donna, David and Kelly find their way into the clearing.
"Are we ready to get started?"
"Sis you are late, it is already done."
Her mock outrage is almost funny, Bren's aversion to heights was well known; her climbing the signs ladders in the dark would have been her worst nightmare. "You did it without me, without the rest of us?"
"Andrea did most of the hard stuff, and Tony carried the massive thing up the ladder."
She looks at Andrea, "and how did my brother help?"
"A lot of advice giving." The two giggle.
"Okay no more Val for Andrea, she used to find me charming."
"Well that maybe difficult." My girl looks at our newly discovered acrobatically skilled editor. "Have you decided?"
"Yeah, I'm going to Yale. I won't be the first to go into debt for the opportunity to gain an incredible education. What about you? Have you decided to take the offer?"
Huh? An offer for college or what she has been going after? I look to her, I didn't know she had got it. "Yeah. We are having a table read on Monday. I'm in wardrobe this Friday. It's going to be a crazy two weeks while we film the pilot."
After the congratulations on her landing a pilot, Steve takes the focus off her accomplishment- thankfully he can tell she is a little nervous to jinx it. She kept saying it was just a pilot and they hardly ever turn into anything. "Well the two weeks will be even crazier because Mum gave me the keys to Malibu after graduation. Can you believe she wanted to see Mrs T give me the certificate on stage first before she handed them over?"
"Yes." Was the cry from everyone of us. Steve dramatically rolls his eyes in outrage.
"For that none of you are invited to my first beach party of the summer."
"Considering me, Brandon and Andrea will be staying, I think we will be there."
"Fine Gizmo you can come. The rest of you, nuh."
"If Brenda's there, I'm there." At least he wasn't calling her by my names for her, even if the acknowledgement that they were together was loud and clear.
"Dude, aren't you surfing the whole summer?"
"Half the summer Steve. I'll be back at least a few days each fortnight. Unless I can convince Brenda to join me on the circuit, which means we won't be back as much- we can explore some of the countries in between events." He wanted her to travel with him, across the northern hemisphere? I swallow and look down.
"Sorry Josh, it seems my twin can't be your beach groupie, she will hopefully be working most of the summer becoming a television star, starting her journey to earning the big bucks to keep me in the lavish lifestyle I would like to become accustomed to." His younger sister by four minutes elbows him in the stomach for that one, I think for the potential jinx, but I don't miss her eyes of appreciation that she throws Brandon. Was that for me, her not wanting me to be uncomfortable, or was it because her and Josh weren't on the same page? I didn't want her uncomfortable in front of me, and I couldn't wish that she and Josh would end it- I didn't want them together but I didn't want her hurt again. This, this right here was why I needed to leave.
Once Brandon has stopped his joking headlock and knuckling her head in retaliation, she grumbles out, "I can't believe I'm not getting away from you next year. I must need my head examined."
"Bren it's not a tumour, it's you hanging out with Steve- your IQ has just lowered and you are making stupid decisions, I mean to live with both of them next year." Tony said the first part in the worst Schwarzenegger accent but I ignore it, it's the first time I'm hearing about her move. I knew Brandon and Steve were CU bound which means Brenda must be now if the three of them would be living together for the year. CU is not far from her parents, why was she moving out of Casa Walsh? I look down, Jim's threat the repercussions- shit, I didn't want her to lose her family.
"Miller if anyone had lowered Brenda's IQ it's you. Isn't that right Gizmo?"
"No." She rolls her eyes at their stupidity. "I blame Kyle."
"Hey, hey, I'm sitting over here minding my own business. Though this, this right here is why I'm glad to be not going to CU next year. San Diego is probably even too close to you idiot's."
"That's why I'm going to Arizona-"
"So you can be the lone idiot in the state, like the lone cowboy?"
"Funny Sander's funny."
"So Steve, Kelly, Donna, David, Bren and me at CU, Andrea at Yale, Kyle in San Diego, Miller in Arizona, Josh surfing the globe, it only leaves you Jones where are you off to?"
I had been waiting to hear which college Bren was going to but that was before today. I hadn't thought about it, where I wanted to go. I didn't know if being in College now with her would be a good thing for either of us.
"I don't know B, I have a few offers CU one of them, but I'm still waiting to hear from Berkeley- though it's a long shot. I guess this summer I'll figure it out, there won't be much else to do in Hawaii but think."
Her body tenses, I can see it in her hands though she tries to maintain a blank face to hide this new piece of news. Her brother doesn't try, his confusion at the unknown plan's is all over his face. "Hawaii, when did that get decided D?"
"Recently, Iris misses her mountain and I could… use some time away from Beverly Hills."
Andrea gives me an understanding smile- does she know about our afternoon. "Understandable after your Dad." No, of course Bren wouldn't tell.
"When do you leave?" It's Brandon that asks but I look at his sister who is leaning on him in the cold trying to keep warm.
"Tomorrow night."
"So this is are last night together. You'll be gone for the summer and Andrea will be in New Haven when you get back. Oh you guy's I'm going to miss this." We all smile at Donna as David pulls her close. Even after everything there was a lot to miss.
The night is spent reminiscing, and we all laugh at some of the events of the last few year's. Kelly even tells the story of Donna and her dyeing Bren's hair. You can tell the blonde is trying to gain back some friendship with Bren, and while my girl doesn't ignore her, she doesn't encourage more than a surface politeness between them. When Miller starts complaining how come he never saw the hair, she looks at me. We share a smile while she answers.
"It was there less than twenty-four hours- thankfully."
In the morning as the sun is barely rising we travel down the hill and look at our accomplishment. It's a moment, a moment of all of us together proud of what we have done- surviving, finding each other, leaving our mark. A moment that I know I will one day put in ink to make sure I remember it.
After are Pit breakfast I say my goodbyes, hand clicks for the guy's even Kyle, Josh and Miller. A hug for the girl's. Donna starts it off, Kelly goes next and whispers that she hopes I'm okay I return the sentiment, Andrea tells me thanks for Prom I thank her for encouraging me to write. Bren and I say nothing I just breathe her in. It's not a long hug, Josh is there, but it's the first embrace we have had publicly since we broke up. When I open my eyes I see Nat give me a sad smile, I knew his thoughts on the matter on my actions this year.
Jones walks me out to the car, "you don't have to worry about her."
"I think worrying about her is in my DNA."
"Should I be worried about you?" He holds my eyes, there's no hiding from him like this.
"If I stayed here, yeah."
He inclines his head and pushes out his chin and lips slightly, it's his way to say he gets it. "You know I'm here if you need anything, need to talk. We are brother's, always will be."
"Yeah B, I know. I'll be okay. You just take care of my… my everything. Her happy is all I want. Her safe and happy."
He holds out his hand and as we shake he pulls me into a one arm hug, "don't be gone too long. Your family will miss you."
It's my turn to nod before I get into the car.