Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

The postcard's I knew may have been crossing the line she had drawn, well not crossing it but they were hovering over the edge of it. Throughout my travels she had never been more than a heartbeat from my thoughts. It was like I had two tracks in my mind, one seeing and experiencing the moment and the other on a constant loop of her. Every thought intersected with her, would she like this dish, what would she want to see in this country, would she be happy staying on this beach in a little hut with me forever?

Maybe it wasn't a mind track, maybe it was actually the beat of my heart. Maybe like the poets say it had begun somewhere over the last few years to beat only for her; and now that I had started learn to silence lay my demons to bed, the ones that had seemed to haunt me forever, maybe I was finally able to hear and trust in that beat more than I had ever before.

Hawaii had been a small taste of normality before arriving back in LA. My mother had become motherly in our months together and had missed me during my trip. I had arrived to a fridge full of my favourite foods, and when I woke the next morning late due to the hours of travel the day before, it was to find my clothes had all been washed. The ones I had dumped on the floor beside my bag as I looked to find my gifts for Iris.

Leaving Hawaii this time was a little harder, that Pineapple mountain of Mum's had become homely in my weeks there, in a way it never did when I was living there that summer two year's ago. My mother has also become more my mother since arriving for Jack's funeral. She was my last parent left, without her I'd be a true orphan- a position I had felt for most of my teen life. She had promised that she would be now splitting her time between Hawaii and LA, and if I said the word she'd be there full time. Her staying there wasn't a lack of love, it was an acknowledgment that I was turning nineteen soon. I had lived alone for years, and granted I had fucked up my life royally, but she saw the change, believed I was ready to live alone again. That I wouldn't stop AA, stop therapy, wouldn't keep running or self-destructing my happiness.

She had jokingly said to me at the airport, she was sending me off to College. Considering how apathetic I was to that prospect, she had smiled and said the college of life. It was time I began to live again and not just survive.

LA looked the same, but it didn't feel the same. It didn't feel like I knew my place here anymore. Mum had let Cindy know I was coming home this afternoon and she had invited me over for dinner, both her and Jim had been very gracious after hearing about what really happened between Brenda and I, and while I know they were frustrated to be kept out of the loop they were aware of my struggles since Jack. They thankfully didn't choose to abandon me when they had every right to, they decided for once to keep their distance from Bren and my relationship.

Arriving at Casa Walsh I wasn't sure what I'd find, I knew the twins were in Malibu for the summer and were planning on finding there own place for college but I didn't know what impact that had on how often they visited. As we sat down to dinner of my favourite lasagna it was evident that the dynamic's had changed. Brandon was now only popping in once a week, Brenda was a phone call once a week and maybe a visit every two weeks. They saw their son more at the beach club then they did here, and Samantha knew more about Bren than they did.

It was said with a resigned belief that this was merely them growing up, I knew better. Wiping my mouth on my napkin I looked at the two of them, and hoped Brenda wouldn't be too upset with me- no more lies in anything, honest relationships, honesty with myself.

"Mr and Mrs Walsh, I think you should know that before I left for the summer Bren and I aired everything out. We discussed it all." I look at Jim. "Everything. There are no more secrets between her and I. And I know she has shared some of that with Brandon. I think maybe some of that is the reason they've been missing."

Jim holds my eyes, he understands what I'm saying. He gives me a reserved nod of acknowledgment. Cindy is clearly unaware of what I'm talking about.

"Dylan what does that mean-" his hand covers her's on the table.

"Cindy, I know." She looks at him in confusion and with a demand on her face for an explanation. "Dylan has told Brenda, and rightfully so, about his and my meeting last summer. The one to get him to support us sending her off to Paris."

She looks at me, "she didn't know he sent you that fake trust letter to talk to you privately?"

"No she knew that, she was there when I got the letter."

"Then I don't understand."

"Cindy, in our meeting I… well you know how frustrated I was. How I was over being lied to and her doing whatever she wanted, and I didn't know… I wasn't going to risk Dylan not supporting Paris. It was a non-negotiable, if she stayed there that summer once the teething problems of living together wore off she'd never have come home. Neither of them would want to be a part once they understood- woke up to each other daily. She would have most likely been pregnant by the end of the summer or engaged." I look down the night we had received the letter we had finally felt like we were back on the same page, would a few more day's of that have led to what he feared?

I had thought his threats were about me, me not being good enough, but to hear they were just based on his fear that it would make us more together, that we'd fall more in love… I fucked up my life, hurt her because of my own insecurities. It wasn't about me, his threat wasn't about me, it was what he had been yelling about for months that we were too serious. He liked me, he had treated me like a son before Baja and even after the summer, even now. It wasn't me, it was that every speed bump he had put between us since Baja to slow us down had not worked and had done the opposite, we had flown over them and had got airborne, reckless.

"Jim, what did you do?" Understanding his thinking, I find myself wanting to soften the blow.

"Mrs Walsh, Mr Walsh and I are fine-"

"Dylan thank you, but what I did wasn't right. I owe you an apology, I owe my daughter one as well. I am sorry, I… there's no explanation that justifies it but please know I was scared, I was scared I would lose her and with you demonstrating in our previous meeting that you no longer wanted… I knew by then I had lost you. I thought she would follow."

He looks at his wife and goes through the meeting in detail, he leaves nothing out. When he mentions the word rape she moves her hand away from his touch but she lets him finish. She says nothing to him, doesn't even look at him once he's finished. Her eyes are solely on me.

"Dylan, I'm… I'm appalled. Please know if I had known I'd never have walked into that room and helped you encourage her to leave, I would have helped her pack more of her thing's. Clearly Jim had lost all perspective… and me suggesting the trip to him rather than talk to her or you- I guess I wasn't so far behind him." Her eyes are glassy, "they know both of them?" I nod. "She would have been horrified. She had lost you to lie's and betrayal, and hearing that she probably thinks her father and I are no better." Tear's escape her eyes. "After everything we've said to her, our disappointment, our critiques of her character since Baja and then to find out her father had turned us into the biggest hypocrites of all."

Her eyes move to her husband with a look falling on her face, one I had only ever seen a few time's and never to this level, never with this much anger and disgust. "My children want barely anything to do with us because of you. I'm not even sure how Dylan has been able to look at you for the last fourteen months, let alone talk to you nicely." She stands, "fix this Jim. Fix this. I want all three of my children back at this table and if that can only be achieved if you aren't here then… I want all three of them back."

Once she storms out of the room, Jim and I are silent for a long time.

"I'm sor-"

"Dylan, it's okay. I needed to know and knowing Brandon and Brenda if I don't address it- well I don't know if I can repair our relationship, but knowing it at least let's me know what's broken that it's not them just growing up and wanting space. I can hopefully do something now, say something."

"I'm… I can't say I'm sorry she knows, but you aren't the cause of my actions after that-"

"Son. I knew when you told me three months ago about that summer, I felt the guilt. I knew my actions played a role, a significant role in changing your mindset. I was so worried that you were getting too serious, that you guy's were moving too fast, I knew she was all you saw for your future and her the same. I had seen how mature your love had become. The hold up, her turning to you. I knew that you both weren't just a high school romance anymore- well if I could ever pretend you were. It scared me, her starting to come home late wanting to only be with you, Baja… I felt I was one blink away from opening my eyes and finding her out the door. That threat, Paris was only ever intended to slow that down. See if I could keep her here until at least graduation. When you told me about that summer, I knew I owned a lot of what happened. I knew if I hadn't interfered, tried to control you and her that I wouldn't have caused either of you this pain."

He holds my eyes, "Son I always thought. Even when I heard about you choosing Kelly, I always thought it was just a pause. When you told me about what had transpired over those months, what I helped create… is it just a pause?"

I shake my head, and whisper out the words I hate even giving life to. "No. She, she doesn't see away past this. She tried to hold on, because yeah we are supposed to be for life, she held on and I warped her. She did things she doesn't like herself for."

"I can understand that feeling, that threat to you is something I don't like myself for. Maybe with time she'll-" I interrupt him, living in a fantasy of what the future holds won't be healthy for him.

"My psychologist say's as much as I don't like the decision, her decision I have to respect her wishes. Last year I showed her no respect, l lied to her, I hurt her, I manipulated her. It's a double edged sword. In order to show her I respect her I have to stop fighting against her choice, I can't try and change her mind- prove to her it's the wrong choice. She'll never come back to me if I don't respect her, and that means letting her go not fighting Josh for her, not fighting her on it. It means I have to try and move in like she wants us both too."

"I'm… sorry isn't enough. I didn't mean this to happen." He say's it with genuine sincerity, in that moment he's not the all knowing father he is just a guy understanding his mistake. I've never understood him more.

"Jim, I was like that car that took my Dad. I was a time bomb waiting to explode. If it wasn't cheating on her, it could have been turning back to the bottle, running away when it got hard. My demons were quiet drowned out by our happiness, but they weren't gone. They weren't going to sit quietly forever. As much as I wish I didn't take it to such extremes, wish that I hadn't hurt her so badly, dragged it out, it got me to to address my problems. Her not letting me see her after she found out, her leaving me completely- knowing what a life absent of her is like. It got me to figure myself out, and even then every time I thought I understood, every time I thought I had done it, she'd come back and show me point out that it wasn't all done. Even the day of graduation, she was still showing me things, demons I was pretending weren't there. As much as I hate all of this I know that I needed to go through it to heal. I know her absence was the catalyst for that, her knowing me so well helping me to understand the pain my actions have caused, it has meant that I haven't just put a bandaid over it. It hasn't been just me going to AA to stop drinking, its me understanding what makes a twelve year old pick up a bottle to begin with and dealing with that."

"Are your demons gone?"

"They are known, some have been… defanged I guess- I'm not afraid of them anymore. Some are dead. Some I will always have to be mindful of, but yeah I feel better in myself. I have made a real relationship with Iris, letting go of the anger, and… I wouldn't have been able to talk like this with you six months ago. I would have wanted to do what I could to gain favour, maybe would have hidden my failures and been likely to storm out if they were shown to me."

"I can see you have come a long way, and if I'm allowed to say it, I'm proud of you. I'm at least proud of one of us at this table." He rubs his hands, "I should go upstairs and… well Cindy and I won't be right until I fix this- if I can." He sighs, "can I ask a favour?"

"Sure."

"Can you let them know we know? I don't want to surprise them with this, I want them prepared to have the conversation with me."

"Yeah, yeah I can do that." I look at my watch, it was still early. "I'll drive over there now and say hi and let them know."

We stand and he holds out his hand. "Thank you Dylan." As I turn to leave the room and see myself out he calls to me, "son I know you are going to respect her wishes, but but know I hope she changes her mind. Know if there is anything I can do-"

I turn, "thank you it still means a lot to hear that, but there is nothing you can do and nothing I want you to do. Bren if she comes back it needs to be without my, yours or anyones inference- manipulations. Anything less would start us off on a lie and I don't want that between us, I never want to take her choices away from her again."

"You know Dylan, the third child Cindy was referring to was you. I tried to be a suede parent, father to you, and I failed that. Father's don't threaten their children they talk to them, I failed. That doesn't make this any less your home, your family. In whatever capacity you want me in your life I'd like to be there for you, I'm going to be guided by you on what that is, but know if you need me I'm there."

"Thank you sir, and thank Mrs Walsh for the lasagna, it's still my favourite meal."