Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Thirty-One
I walk into the Sanders mansion and go straight to the kitchen where I knew the woman of the house would be, I just didn't expect her to be overseeing a team of caterers when I got there.
"What's all this? I thought it was just going to be casual, you know popcorn and pizza."
She smiles her motherly smile and walks over to me, "Brenda Dear, it's your big premier and with everyone coming, well pizza and popcorn just didn't seem important enough."
"Isn't it just us, Steve, Celeste, Brandon, Andrea and my parents?" Samantha knew of the tensions with my parents and rather than put me in an awkward position to either host it at the apartment or at their house, she had offered for us to use her movie room here. She was a wonderful woman.
Her arm is around me as she leads me out of the kitchen to sit on the lounge. "Well yes but there maybe just a few more."
I lift my eyebrow in curiosity, this could mean one person or fifty in Samantha's mind. "Iris should be landing soon and Dylan has promised to bring her straight here- it was going to be a surprise but after everything today… and then there is Kyle. Steve rang him this morning annoyed that he- and these are my sons words left you hanging last night. Well he felt guilty and so he called Kelly who had the afternoon off classes, she's driving him up for the premier so he can apologise-"
"He did nothing wrong."
"Dear, I know that, but Steve well he heard your phone call last night with Josh and he feels guilty for not taking you himself. He feels guilty for…"
"Causing the mess? He didn't, that's just Dylan and me together." I look at the coffee table covered in newspapers as I knowingly begin to play with my new chain and medallion. "How many did the party make?"
"The party all of the entertainment sections. You and Dylan made all the gossip sections and even one business section. Entertainment Tonight also had the two stories, the party for the hot new show and the new 'it' couple."
My head hurts, as the day progressed a tension headache was forming. "Josh, he was frustrated enough that he couldn't be there last night, not thrilled that Dylan had accompanied me… he knows I was nervous and that Dylan was making me laugh throughout the red carpet, knows he had his hand on my back for comfort. He knows Dylan even spoke about Jack and that I squeezed his hand- Dylan wouldn't have been in that position to answer questions about his dad if he wasn't doing me a favour. Josh knows it all and I'm sure Steve told you how unhappy he was, he came home and I was on the phone trying to explain it all to Josh who… he was upset. He trusts me but no one wants their girlfriend palling around with her ex." Samantha just purses her lips at that but doesn't correct my description, she doesn't need to. "I know, I know it doesn't look like that in the pictures, but it is friendship. It's the only way I know how to be friends with him."
"Dear, I'm not going to comment on you and Dylan. My view is bias as I've held your hand and watched you cry more than I ever saw you two together, besides that one Christmas I don't have a good indicator about the quality of your relationship. Though I saw the footage, Abigail tapped them all, every show that had a recorded interview of last night or just film of the carpet; friendship doesn't look like that." There was no reprimand in it, it was said as if it was just a fact.
"We know each other better than anyone else, he knows me sometimes better than I know me. It's hard to be normal friends when that is between you, well when nothing is between you."
"I can only imagine. That level of familiarity would be challenging to turn off."
"Yeah. That's what I said to Josh, that he isn't a normal friend but it is a platonic friendship. He he said he understood, but that was before the picture's. Nothing in there would be knew information, I don't lie to him that was our deal but seeing it… it just looks bad."
She gives me her best sitcom understanding mum tone, she's used it so long on sets it's ingrained into her character. "When's he home?"
"Ten day's. I was crazily thinking maybe I should fly out for the weekend. Tomorrow I can miss class, Dylan can take notes. It's expensive and I really could only stay two nights, but… the videos are that bad?"
"They aren't bad, but they would be upsetting for any man in love, even the most understanding."
"Okay maybe I should fly out. The producer's wanted me in town just in case they get requests for interviews but I'd feel better seeing Josh showing him the pictures in person. He's a good guy and I don't want him upset."
"Abigail is in the study would you like me to get her to make the arrangements?"
"Are you sure?" She nods, "then yes please I'll give her my credit card she can book it all on that."
As she stands to walk down the hall to her assistant she smiles at me, "who got you the actor's good luck charm? They are very rare, you have to get them nearly custom made these day's as no one stocks them." The guilt in my eyes gives away the answer. "It was very sweet of Dylan to get you that for your big night."
It was genuine and without judgment but I didn't need anyone else to judge me, I was doing enough of that. Especially after Dylan had slid the wrapped box over to my desk at the end our French Literature class this morning and told me it was to honour my big night.
The closest of friends. Custom made hard to source jewellery, completely normal nothing to be guilty over there- right?!
"Steven sweetheart could you get the door?"
"Sure Mum." I don't even bother to shake my head as he takes two carrot sticks for the walk, at least it's a vegetable even if he is greeting guests mid chew.
Iris comes in with kisses and hugs all around, well not all around Kelly got a head nod and a curt hello. Donna and David a similar greeting, maybe with a pinch more warmth. Brandon a hug and a kiss. Brenda though… those two spoke in a code of looks and energy. If Brenda had become my mentee, my friend, my suede daughter, Iris had taken her as her spiritual daughter. Though my old comrade, another ex-wife of a Beverly Hills Entrepreneur would say she is her soul daughter, and knowing how much she loved Dylan with the small brunette she'd say it's because her son shares a soul with the talented new actress. I could see her reasoning, she'd claim as she gave birth to half the soul in him it was only fair that she be able to claim her maternal rights over the other half that resided in her.
Iris loved that girl and every part of their interaction showed it.
My eyes move to Cindy, she's smiling at her good friend but there is a hint of jealousy. Dylan who had greeted everyone after his mother had, with finger handshakes and smiles moves to Cindy to give her a warm hug, and then to Jim for a handshake. It's a sadly amusing scene, the irony of the situation that in trying to keep the young man away from their daughter by pushing him out, they had actually pushed her instead. Lost the daughter they were trying to protect but gained the man they feared as another son.
I knew about the threat, Brenda didn't say it but Cindy had. Iris, Cindy, Gail and I had become more than just ladies who lunched, we had become empty nesters together. The day of graduation had seen our children leave high school, in days our homes and with it our parenting behind. It was a grief that we all shared, even Iris- actually in her it was stronger. She had finally gained her child back only to have to push him out of the nest again rather than let him fear the world and himself in it.
He was a man who had lost everything. He had blown us his life, blown up the foundational relationship of his life in a park a week before his father was blown up in a parking lot in front of his eye's. Life truly has strange symmetry.
As we all begin to get comfortable around the lounge room, I realise the two people of the day, the new media darlings had yet to greet each other. I guess Kyle is Josh's friend not Dylan's, Steve's friendship is more solid with Josh though I knew if push came to shove his family loyalty was to the young McKay. Greeting each other after the newspapers and tv clips today, even in a room of mostly family and friends eyes would definitely be on them. Though their lack of greeting also said a lot, said there was something to be embarrassed by.
"Miller, I can't believe he's missing this."
"Steve, he lives in another State and anyway he rang to wish me all the best. Him and his football team are all watching it together tonight. Though I can't imagine it's going to be a regular thing, it's not really a guy's show."
"Guy's can be deep."
"Kyle, you can. I think Brenda was thinking that a whole football team in college might struggle to have the same emotional maturity together that they may show one-on-one. My psych class would reference the pack mind as reason for that. Together you guy's draw out your base needs, which looking at the KEG house aren't the most appealing qualities or emotionally mature one's." College psychology, I had seen a few actresses sprout off their opinion as fact regarding characters and actors after taking one course in college. Like fourteen weeks would teach you everything you can learn about a humans brain and emotional reasoning to be an expert in the field.
"Hey don't tease my brother's." My son and his outrage over strangers who had yet to accept him into their group unfortunately actually supported her pack mind reference. I could kill Rush, Rush and that fraternity… hopefully living with the twins will limit their influence on my sweet boy.
"Kel, didn't you just agree to go on a date with John from the KEG house?"
"Don." The look from the blonde to the other blonde showed that the information wasn't supposed to be public knowledge. Brenda had looked to Dylan immediately when his other ex girlfriend had begun to speak, well looking as indirectly at him as possible. She waited for a reaction, nothing came. He was too busy looking through the newspapers of the day. Focusing I'd guess on a few specific pages. It was like he wasn't even listening.
The kids chat for a while as a group, discuss how Gail's mother in laws surgery went yesterday- Kenny is with his mother in the hospital tonight giving the rest a break to come here. Dinner is a informal affair, the caterers put out a lovely buffet spread on the dining table. Most had grabbed a plate and reentered the lounge-room dividing the room more predominantly between parents and children as they eat, Dylan had yet to put down the newsstand of paper's I had bought today to ensure I missed no coverage of Brenda.
As Iris and I go to make our own plates she must see my curious look at her son as I leave the room. "He's quietly got his lawyer to reach out and try and purchase copies of some of the picture's. He's stuck on how to get a few though and I said I'd discretely ask you if you had contacts."
My eyes travel to my oldest friend here, the boys weren't even born when we met. "Is that wise? She say's they are just friends should Dylan being getting his hopes up like that? Collecting pictures."
"I think he wants to make her a book of all of it, keep mementos of every part of her career. He's convinced she's going to be a world famous actress. And of course it's healthy. This is still only a moment in a very long life of them together, those pictures have restored my faith in that. I had even started to waver wondering if my stubborn scorp might protect herself too much, to the point where she won't let true love back in. Seeing those pictures and even if both swear friendship, well regardless it will happen."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news. "Iris after the show this evening, she's taking the last flight out tonight to see her boyfriend. She wants to make sure he knows that her and Dylan are just friends. She's committed to him."
"And that's fine. But Samantha, when she's ready, when she's healed, when she trusts him and herself again she'll find her way home to him, and Josh will be a lovely guy that helped her lessen the sting- nothing more."
"And Dylan's okay with that?"
"My son, understands that he hurt her badly. He understands forgiveness, that it takes time and it's a process. He unfortunately understands it better than most people double his age." The guilt in her words is heartbreaking.
"Iris from what it looks like and what you have said he has forgiven you. Maybe it's time to forgive yourself?"
"Samantha, it's not that easy. I forgave myself when I thought I had left him with his idol. Jack and him adored each other- now knowing how Jack eventually turned on his own son became the bastard he was known to be even on his own child… in what world can a mother forgive herself for leaving her child alone in that? Abandoning him to that cruelty."
Over her shoulder I saw Dylan had been approaching to finally grab a plate, it didn't however seem like there was an appropriate way to interrupt Iris and inform her we were no longer alone. His eyes and sad smile behind her shoulder tell me he heard enough of what she said to understand the conversation, his nod tells me that's he's got it. As he makes himself known to his mother I squeeze her arm in support as I leave the room with my plate.
The two of them arrive back in the room ten minutes later, they appear fine – smiling. Brenda see's something that I don't and I know what they were discussing, she instantly looks to Dylan in question. Whatever conversation they have across the crowded room with just their eyes has her giving him a nod of understanding and a side head tilt that he answers back with a couple of quick slight bops of his head and a smile. She returns the smile and then resumes her conversation like nothing happened at all.
It is a peculiar thing to see, two young people having that unspoken communication that people seem to only develop after decades together. Decades married together.
The awkwardness of watching yourself on film playing a character, seeing all the faults forever captured on the screen was horrible. Watching in a room of people who know you so well was cringe worthy.
Samantha had warned me, had whispered a reminder in my ear as we came into her movie room ten minutes before the show started that I should take the compliments with a thank you and not to correct peoples opinions. If they loved it don't point out the faults that only I see or question why they only complemented certain things.
My mentor for weeks had been preparing me for the scrutiny that I would face. To be universally loved was impossible. People would always find fault with my portrayal of a character; I'd be accused of being too emotional or not emotional enough, too pretty or not pretty enough, too sweet to the point I must be condescending or a doormat, too strong that I was cold and mean. It didn't matter she said, we were creating art, commercial art but art, and art was subjective.
Actor's were the puppets of directors and writer's, we had little control on how our character developed- that was the writers. We had little control on the level of emotion we were supposed to portray in the scene- that was the director. We had control though on how authentic we could be whilst in between those vice like grip's, we had the ability to convey multiple meanings in our eye's and expression. Even when the emotion directed to doesn't seem natural or appropriate, we can layer that give it a nuance that can provide a greater context and rational. A line can be spoken with layered tones to make it mean something more than just the words on the page.
Knowing all that still didn't prepare me for the nervousness and nauseas feeling in my stomach while it aired. Dylan who had been sitting on the floor so nothing blocked his eyes from the screen must have sensed it, because after the first scene he had moved his feet over next to mine and had rested them against each other. It was the only time he had touched me all evening but his foot next to mine, even with shoes and clothing between us gave me the stability I needed to sit in my chair and not leave the room.
The applause was sweet, Brandon's humours "so you can be a nice sister" made me at least fire up enough to correct him that I was the nice sister Val was the naughty one. My parents hug and looks of pride were nice, though it wasn't something I was accustomed to so it made me feel awkward and unsure how to take it. Kelly, Donna and David were complementary and seemed really excited- Donna and David even asked if I'd appear on their show; it was a decision for the producer's, but I'd ask. Samantha had seen an advanced screening by my producer so she had already given me her praise. Andrea analysed the characters for me and gave her critique until Brandon had pulled her away and told her it's not a book report. Steve had simply told me I had looked hot. Kyle had hit him and then said I had looked beautiful and was brilliant. Iris had hugged me and said I was a natural a true old Hollywood star in the making.
Everyone had left the room to attack the caterers coffee and dessert table leaving Dylan to approach me a sad expression. Shit was I terrible?
"Whose going to make college fun next semester?" My cheeks lift, I knew what he was saying I knew he was telling me it was going to be picked up but not wanting to verbalise it in case he jinxed it- actor's were very superstitious we had found out at the party.
"Maybe just the learning could be the fun thing."
"Bren don't be silly, college is you and me drinking coffee arguing over words. Without you there it's just going to be coffee and words, I could do that by myself at home." I roll my eyes, he loved college the discussions, the time to analyse a text properly in a way that we haven't had before. He was full of shit, and I politely told him that.
"Nope, I stand by it, you're the best… arguing with you is the best part of college. It's fun watching you get your Irish fight on in a room of strangers. It won't be the same without you."
"You're exaggerating, but you can find out tomorrow and let me know if it's too hard alone." He raises an eyebrow in question, I try and maintain a casualness in my tone like it wasn't a big deal "my plane leaves in a few hour's. I'm going to catch the end of this round of the tournament."
His face loses all playfulness, "he's asked or you offered?"
"Does it matter?" He gives me the look that tells me it does. "I'm surprising him." He sighs, he knows I haven't gone out on the circuit and he knows this wasn't planned, I bet he even remembers the producer's saying I may be needed in town for interviews. "He deserves to have me there when he sees them."
"Bren-" he runs a hand through his hair, as if I'm the most exasperating person in the world. "We did nothing wrong, you did nothing wrong."
"Doesn't mean it's right. He deserves to see them and have his emotions be heard, have me acknowledge it."
"And if he asks for us to stop being friends or gives rules around our friendship?"
"Dylan he wouldn't do that-"
"But if he does? If he leads you there, guilts you into making that decision-"
"Dyl he's my boyfriend… he's a good guy he's not like that."
"Bren, if he asks you to choose?" Josh wouldn't ask, if he needed to ask then he already has his answer. The question alone says he doesn't trust me, Josh would know that.
"Isn't that what you are doing with this question?" The question from Dylan isn't a trust one, he is asking me if I had to pick between my boyfriend and him he wants confirmation that he's not going to lose our friendship. "Fuck you aren't even offering me a cookie."
As I move to walk past him he grabs my arm, not aggressively but just to stop me. "You're right. I'm out of line, that was out of line. I just, I didn't think you'd travel overseas just to-"
"He's my boyfriend Dylan, I… I love him and I don't want him to feel like I don't care."
His hand repels off my skin like I have burnt him. "Yeah, yeah of course you do." He begins to move to the door. Shit.
"Dylan I'm s…" shit. "Thank you again for my necklace."
He stops and breathes deep before looking back at me. "Of course. Though you don't need the luck you were amazing. I'll see you when you get back and take the class notes the way you like, just let me know if you want coffee for Monday's class."
"Yeah I should be home by then."
"Just phone when you get back, you know in case you decide to go travelling the world with him. I can't imagine it's easy for you being away from the person you love." Before I can speak again he's out the door and I'm left in the movie room alone wondering why I feel guilty when I'm trying to do the right thing.