This chapter is going to be a challenge. I'm not so good at dialogue unless it's a discussion, so I'm going to have to see what I can do about this. Hope you like it!
An hour and a half later, Buffy stood as the credits played across the screen. It was only two, so they had another hour before Faith came back from class to kill. Slowly, the blonde stretched to and walked to the kitchen. "It was pretty funny, I'll admit that." She chuckled, remembering a funny scene and opened the fridge in search of something. Angel looked at her over the back of the couch and smiled to himself.
"Yeah, it was good." He nodded and looked back at the screen. "You need help with whatever you're doing?"
"No, I'm just looking around…" she shrugged and closed the fridge with yogurt in one hand before going to the dishwasher in search of a spoon. "What do you want to do now? We could watch another movie… Beat the crap out of the scarecrow thing… I think Faith's got some cards around. We could play cards." Opening the yogurt, Buffy made her way back to the couch and sat back down on the other end with her feet up on the middle cushion. He watched her with a smile as she stuck her spoon in and closed her eyes as she enjoyed the first bite.
"We can talk." He said, on a more serious note. Shaking the thoughts from his mind he turned so he was facing her on the couch.
"Yeah, we can…" she nodded quietly, not really wanting to but she'd been expecting it. If Angel was good at anything it was talking about things.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?"
"Nothing really happened. We talked… About the way we left things. What happened, and him showing up is all. It's all stupid." She shrugged and took another bite of her yogurt, looking at anything but him. Desperately she wanted – no she needed to avoid this conversation, but it was going to have to happen sooner or later.
"Well, do you want to tell me what was said? I know you don't want to, obviously you don't want to, but I think I deserve to know…" he looked at her and tried to catch her eyes, but she was avoiding his stare relentlessly.
"I don't – things were said – it's not," Buffy didn't even know where to begin. She knew he deserved to know what had happened, she owed it to him. Leaning forward she set her half eaten yogurt on the coffee table and took a deep breath before leaning back once more. "I told him… I told him I love him. When he died, just before… I told him I love him and he said I don't and then he died. He died and I left and then he showed up here with you a year later." Biting her lip to gather herself in an attempt to stop herself from crying she continued, "So I told him that – that I'd meant it. That he'd shot me down when I gave him my all, what he'd wanted all along, and that I didn't want to just go back to the way things were before. He said he didn't want that, that he wouldn't have come here if he'd had somewhere else to go. So when he came over, last night, he told me that he'd believed me. He knew before I'd said it, but he told me he didn't so I'd leave. So I could 'live'," she said the last word and it was full of pain. He looked at her, then down at his lap. Angel knew when he'd come over last night that she'd had deep feelings for Spike the last time he'd seen her, but he didn't know she loved him. "He said we didn't have a chance at a future,
"I just, I wish everyone would let me make decisions for myself." Now she was going off topic, ranting, "I'm a grown woman. I know what is good for me. I know what I need and what I want. When did I suddenly become a kid again where I don't know how to think for myself? It's not fair." She wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes imagining she was anywhere but on that couch.
"So you're cookies?" he asked nearly silent. The words were just as hard to say as they were for him to think. He looked across the room, away from her. Anything would be less painful than hearing her say yes to his question, and he tried to prepare himself before she answered.
"I'm not cookies… I'm just, I'm half cooked. I'm that half dough half cookie in the oven…" he could hear the tears welling up in her voice before he looked at her, trying to hide the glint of hope in his eyes. She wasn't looking at him, but down at her knees which were now pulled up to her chest. Angel held back the sigh of relief when she said that and nodded.
"I see." They sat in silence for a moment, then; neither knew what to say after that. The worst of the conversation was over, now they were stuck in this half awkward half comfortable (and much appreciated) silence.
"Thanks," she began finally, after a few minutes had passed, "For staying last night. For coming over to check on me." She smiled over at him gratefully and relaxed a little.
"You know I'm always here for you." He said, with a flash of that old smile he used to save just for her. It had been years since she'd seen that smile.
"I know. You've always been there," the words came out as she remembered a night spent in the graveyard of Sunnydale, just after her mom had passed away. He'd come as soon as he'd heard and held her until sunrise. It was comfortable and familiar. They'd always been able to fall back into a comfortable… whatever it was they fell into. Any time they spent together they didn't waste talking about what it meant; they just let it be what it was. He was the only man she'd ever have that connection with.
The rest of the week went by in a comfortable haze. Each day Buffy would teach her class and each night Angel would come over and stay with her until sunrise. She hadn't seen Spike since she'd been to Giles' flat, and in the dark of the night while Angel was asleep with his arms around her she'd thank whatever God it was out there granting her that small favor. Seeing him would be all too much for her to handle at this point. Although they didn't talk about what it meant, Buffy knew the little arrangement her and Angel had was more to him than it was to her. He'd already gotten comfortable enough to wrap his arms around her and take her hands, or kiss her forehead and cheek every chance he got. He wouldn't tell her, but to him just being able to share her bed meant the world to him. Although in his head he was winning this unspoken fight with Spike over whom it was she wanted, he knew deep down that her heart wasn't all in with him. Maybe that little part of her that would always love him was his, but the rest of her belonged to Spike. That was the harsh truth of it, however impossibly ridiculous it seemed to him.
Friday, Giles had decided, was the night they'd have the assembly. That Thursday everyone told their classes and now they were all gathered in the big auditorium waiting for all the students to sit and quiet down. If they took just a few more minutes Buffy was going to the front and make them shut up, but then Angel took her hand and she took a deep calming breath. Nodding, she pulled her hand away and made her way to the front where Giles and the Scoobies were sitting. Spike was in the back corner, as far away from everyone as he could get. Dawn was somewhere near him, Buffy knew that much. The two hadn't really talked since the day they'd talked at Giles' flat. She seemed to be avoiding Buffy just like Spike was. Angel made his way up to sit beside Willow and the blonde standing cleared her throat.
"Alright guys, calm down. I need to talk to you. This isn't going to be long – just a quick warning to everyone." As she waited for them to shut up her eyes scanned the back for Dawn. When she found her sister their eyes caught for a second and then she continued, "The school has guests. They aren't normal guests though. We have two men staying with us, Angel and Spike. Guys, can you come up here?" she waited for Spike to make his way up front, Angel was at her side just after she stopped talking. When finally the blonde beautiful man she was waiting on – she always seemed to be waiting on – joined them she began once more. "Angel and Spike aren't just ordinary men. They're vampires. Before you start with the questions, let me finish." She added as hands darted up, they fell just as quickly. "I know we've taught you to slay, to kill vampires. But these two are very different. Angel and Spike have their souls. No, having a soul doesn't stop them from needing blood to survive; it does however stop them from feeding off humans… Sort of. Okay, maybe I'm not explaining it right. Well, with the soul comes the conscience. Anyone with a conscience isn't going to be able to go around feeding off living people, so they don't they have other ways of going about that that aren't really important. The point is, these men," she gestured towards Spike and Angel standing beside her, "Are friends NOT enemies. We don't kill these two, okay? They're good guys. They fight on our side." She finished the confusing little talk and took a deep breath before looking over at Angel for a little reassurance, "Any questions?" she asked looking back at the students. About ten to fifteen hands went up, which was pretty miraculous for the amount of students. She'd expected much more, but then again it was all a shock to them. It took her a second but she pointed at one of the kids with their hands up so they could ask their question.
"How come they have their souls?" it was a young boy, one of Willow's students she recognized. He'd gone with them once for a weekend slaying lesson, Willow had brought him with them. He was a good kid, quick on his feet. His name was something like Brayden or Bryson.
"That's a good question," she nodded, trying to think about how to answer it. "Well, I guess they can answer that better for themselves…" she bit her lip and looked at the guys, hoping one of them would speak up.
"Mine's a curse." Angel spoke up finally, stepping slightly forward. "When I was a younger vampire, I ran into a group of gypsies. I'll skip over the gory bit, because you don't need to hear it all, but it's punishment for what I did to one of their daughters. It was meant to bring me an eternity of suffering from the pain I'd caused the people I'd killed." He shot a very quick glance at Buffy, then over at the scoobies before continuing. "I spent a long time with it before I learned to live normally with it. I found alternative methods of… Eating and I started a new life of redemption. I've been fighting the good fight for a long time now." When he finished the kid nodded.
"Any more questions?" Buffy asked, but Brayden or Bryson or whatever wasn't finished just yet, he stood and began speaking before she got the chance to call on someone else.
"What about him? Are they both cursed?"
"Spike isn't cursed…" she glanced over at Spike then, meeting his eyes for the first time since they'd begun – since they'd talked. He nodded slightly before stepping up a little and clearing his throat.
"A couple years ago I was taken captive by an underground military base called 'The Initiative'. They were taking demons underground, performing tests on them… Well, they got a hold of me and put a chip in the old noggin." He smirked and knocked on his head before continuing, "When I broke out, I found out the chip made it so I couldn't harm a living person, so I took to fighting demons. Fought alongside Buffy, here." He gestured towards the blonde who'd taken a step back at this point, and crossed her arms over her chest. She had her face towards him, but her eyes were looking past him, like he wasn't there. Little did he know she was remembering it all along with him, letting the images of the past fill her mind and take her over. "Got so used to it after a while, I stopped complaining at some point. It started malfunctioning after a while – bloody near short circuited in my brain. We called the army doc in and had him take it out. After that, it was just something normal for me to fight with the gang." He looked then at the Scoobies, all avoiding his eyes. They all knew things were weird between Buffy and Spike at that point, and they all knew they wouldn't have survived that last apocalypse without him. They were all stuck in between, not sure how to feel about the situation. "I fought for my soul. Went to Africa, worked for it, and returned re-ensouled; it just felt like the right thing to do." He shrugged when he'd finished, lying for the last part. That wasn't why he'd gone and fought for his soul. He'd fought for her, so he couldn't hurt the girl. 'Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev- To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?' he remembered the words he'd spoken to her when she realized what he'd done. When his head was still a mess, full of voices of the men and women he'd murdered…
The rest of the assembly went by smoothly. He tried to catch her eye multiple times as she answered questions, but she wasn't going to let that happen. He knew she wasn't going to talk to him yet – but that didn't stop him from hoping. When finally she dismissed everyone he watched her and Angel leave together, jealousy stinging at his heart as it did each night Angel left to spend with her.
The next day everyone met up at Giles' flat, which seemed to be their meeting place. He kept to the back room, even though Giles had all the blinds drawn so he and Angel could come out. It wasn't until Dawn arrived that he was pulled out of his thoughts in favor of conversation.
"She still hasn't said anything to you?" the young brunette asked as she sat against on the floor in front of the TV.
"Not a word," he shrugged and offered her a sad smile, "Don't worry about me lil' bit, I'll do alright." He added, noticing the sadness in her eyes when he answered her. The last thing he wanted was to upset the one person who paid any attention to him. At this point she was his only friend.
"I don't understand why she's so upset with you. She loves you, can't she just let whatever it is go and be with you again? That's what it's all about, right?"
"Not quite," he shook his head and closed his eyes, letting their fight fill his mind as he tried to think of how to tell Dawn that was the opposite of the reasoning. "She's upset with me because we can't be together."
"What?" Dawn sat up straighter, confusion covering her face.
"I know she loves me, and she knows I love her, but it's not that simple. We can't be together, as much as we want to be – as much as I want to be." 'I need to be' he added as a though before continuing, "Being together would lead to nowhere. There's no future for us. She's gonna want a family one day, and I can't give her that. Your sister is a strong woman, but she's got this fantasy in her head that she can give it all up – give up her chance at a normal life. You know that's all she's ever wanted as well as I do, and I can't give her that."
"Are you an idiot? Are you blind?" Dawn stood up, anger crossing her face now as she moved to close the door to avoid anyone hearing her. "Buffy accepted a long time ago that she will never live a normal life. Even when she grows old, she'll always be fighting – always. Don't you know that? You know her better than anyone, and you honestly think she still wants a normal life? What did you do with Spike, because you can't possibly be him! The Spike I know would be out there fighting for my sister right now instead of hiding away sulking because he can't give her a 'normal life'" Dawn used her fingers to make parenthesis as she said the last two words. "Maybe I was wrong and you don't deserve her, because man that deserves my sister would know normal will never be a word to describe her or her life." Before Spike could retort Dawn rolled her eyes and let out a tired laugh, "Don't even try to fight with me, because I'm not in love with you. I could dust you right now, you're being so stupid!" With that she turned and opened the door, shooting him one last glare before walking out to join the rest of the Scoobies. 'Lil' bit is all grown up, and just like her sister' he thought as he shook his head and closed his eyes yet again. As much as he wanted to deny it, Dawn was right. He was being a fool.
"You okay?" Buffy asked Dawn when she appeared in the front room. Her sister looked upset, and she'd just come from the room Spike was in so one could only assume he'd opened his mouth again.
"I'm fine. Just annoyed is all. What's going on?" Dawn asked, gesturing towards the table where Kennedy, Xander, Andrew, and Angel sat.
"They're playing poker. 'Cept Andrew. He's dealing." She shrugged and smiled at Willow when she joined them, drinks in hand. Buffy took hers and thanked her friend before turning her attention back to her sister.
"Cool," Dawn nodded, "I'm gonna go back to my dorm. I've got some papers due Monday that I want to get done. My teacher is relentless." Dawn sent Willow a look before walking away. Buffy laughed and shook her head before taking a drink.
"You should really start taking it easy on them over the weekends." Buffy looked at her best friend and took a deep breath. It wasn't until that moment that she realized just how far they'd come. Looking around at the people she'd experienced everything with – with the exceptions of Andrew and Kennedy of course – she realized this was what being an adult really meant. They all had responsibilities; they all had jobs. Everything was stable, there was no big bad or apocalypse happening. They were just… living.
"I assigned it on Wednesday, and then extended the due date from Friday to Monday because nobody had finished it!" Willow said defensively and shook her head, "It's not my fault that teens these days have no work ethic. They always wait until the last minute…" she went off for a minute about all the kids and how easy they had it before realizing she was talking to Buffy. "Sorry, sometimes I just can't stop Professor Rosenberg from popping out. How're you doing, with all the… ex boyfriend business," the question came out much quieter than the rest, in an attempt to keep their conversation private.
"I'm doing. Angel's been great, he's just there, you know? But sooner or later I'm going to have to face Spike." She glanced at the hallway then back at her friend, speaking just as quietly. They stood there in silence for a second before Willow's eyes widened and she spoke again.
"Maybe it'll be sooner after all…" she said nodding in the direction of the hall where Buffy had just looked. When the blonde turned again she spotted Spike making his way towards them, 'excellent' Buffy thought, just what she needed. "I'll just… Yeah." Willow said before walking over to where Giles was standing by the table watching the rest of the gang play poker.
"Can we talk yet?" Spike's voice was deep and husky. Buffy took a second to realize how much more she'd missed his voice. When he showed up it was amazing to hear it because she'd missed it for so long, but now it was different. Now he was here and she could hear it any time she wanted, but she hadn't since they'd fought and she realized just how bad an idea that was now. Instead of answering, she nodded quickly and began walking back to the room he'd just walked out of. If they were going to talk they were going to do it where they had privacy.
There you go guys! Next chapter should be up shortly, I think. I've already got it in my head. I almost just continued it here and made this extra long, but I'm tired and I already promised a new chapter so here. Have this, I'll give you more soon. Reviews would be lovely (: