CHAPTER 8: Retreat (PART 1)
Chloe was sitting in front of her dresser in a green and cream cotton sundress. She looked at herself in the mirror and tried to see the girl whose life had been full of dreams and plans for the future, but she couldn´t find her. In her place she saw a sad young woman of large green eyes- eyes that used to sparkle with humour, but which were now empty. She had been in this retreat for two months now. Taking long walks in the parks, sitting on the veranda of her own cottage to write in her diary- it had been her therapist´s suggestion and it was perhaps one of the few things she still enjoyed; writing had been her life and journalism her passion. She had got her dream job at The Planet after struggling her way up from the basement. She had even penned the story which would have put her a step closer to the Pulitzer Prize. But that had been before and this was after.
The chirping of the birds could be heard through the open windows and Chloe raised a hand to her right shoulder, tracing the tiny scar which was still visible. She had an implant again, but this time she knew what its purpose was. On more than one occasion she had felt tempted to dig it out. She knew what would happen if she did and she almost welcomed the thought.
She felt his presence despite his customary stealth. She had never been able to understand why her body could sense his so effortlessly until two months ago. Now she knew. She had always suspected something but had tried to deny it, too afraid to face what it might entail.
Chloe got up of the stool and took the delicate wrap she had left on top of the dresser. She walked towards him in silence and felt his hands cup her face to press a warm kiss on her forehead. She shivered at his touch and wondered how she could have ever thought she hated this man.
They walked in companionable silence for a while until Lex grabbed her hand and made her stop under an oak tree.
¨Chloe, ¨he said, looking at her with so much emotion in his eyes that she felt the sudden urge to dig up a hole and hide. ¨I´ve been talking with Dr Ellison. She thinks you´re ready to take the next step. ¨
¨I´m not ready yet, ¨she said throatily.
¨That´s not what she says. ¨
¨And you believe her, Lex? You´ve never trusted shrinks before. What´s different about this one? ¨
¨We aren´t talking about me, Chloe. You´re afraid; that´s all. ¨
¨This isn´t just about me and you know it, Lex. ¨
¨There are different ways to face our demons, Chloe. I can fence with my own but... ¨
¨What makes us any different, Lex? ¨
¨I was born male. ¨
¨What´s that supposed to mean? That you´re expected to keep up that indestructible macho image that´s ingrained in your mind thanks to your dad? ¨she asked with glassy eyes.
¨You know what I meant, Chloe, ¨he croaked.
¨No, I don´t. Why don´t you tell me? ¨she whined.
¨Chloe... ¨ he murmured, cupping her face in one hand.
¨Say it, Lex! ¨she asked him, fisting the front of his shirt. ¨Say it! ¨she cried. ¨Why can´t you say it? ¨she sobbed, punching him repeatedly on the chest in defeat.
¨I... don´t know... how, ¨he confessed, tightening his hold on her.
¨I need to... hear it, Lex. ¨
¨I can´t, ¨he swallowed the lump in his throat.
¨Then, say you hate me, ¨she sobbed, squirming in his arms.
¨I don´t hate you, Chloe. ¨
¨You have to... you have to hate me, Lex. Because ... ¨she stumbled backwards, ¨because if I... I don´t hate you and you... you don´t hate me... I don´t know who I am any more. I look at myself in the mirror... and all I can see is a stranger. All this time... all these years... I thought you... ¨she shook her head. ¨I´ve been living a lie... I feel so empty, Lex. Was it like this? Did it feel like this? ¨she asked him with a look of utter despair on her face.
¨I´m sorry, Chloe, ¨he choked overcome by emotion. ¨I´m so sorry, ¨ he added, holding her tightly as she dissolved in tears. ¨I´ve always wanted to spare you this. I know you must resent me for lying to you, but when you woke up in hospital and you didn´t remember... I thought God had been merciful. ¨
Lex stayed with Chloe at the cottage that day. Although he had just come with the idea of visiting and keeping her company till sunset like he had done on his previous weekly escapades, he had found her so distraught that he hadn´t had the heart to leave her alone. She had been right, she didn´t seem to be ready to leave, but he wasn´t sure the isolation was helping her recovery either. Lex wasn´t sure he was what she needed- he wasn´t her best friend Clark and despite the depth of what they had shared, she was still uncomfortable around him. He couldn´t blame her. Four years invested in enmity couldn´t be erased overnight, particularly when it had defined both her professional and her personal life.
Chloe had gone to bed early after having a quiet dinner with Lex- a meal he had cooked while she napped on the sofa following a good felt cry. It seemed crying was the only thing she had been doing for the last two months and, although she was drained by the time she sought refuge in her bedroom, she couldn´t sleep at all.
Lex had finished washing up and rinsing the few dishes they had used when he heard her turn off the shower and move in her bedroom. He tried to empty his mind, but images of the summer he had shared with her kept popping up, and his gut clenched. Seeing Chloe from afar in Smallville, crossing paths at The Talon or in Metropolis on occasion was hard, but it didn´t compare to what he was experiencing now that he was breathing under the same roof- so close and yet so far.
She had cried in his arms and had clung to him in her despair, but once the sobs had subsided she had pulled away as if she were ashamed of her emotional outburst in front of him. He tried not to feel hurt; he told himself her reaction hadn´t been any different from the one he would have had had he been in her shoes. However, he couldn´t help but resent the fact that she would perhaps never confide in him the way she did Clark.
Thinking of all the moments the farm boy had shared with her the last four years did nothing to assuage the pain in Lex´s chest or the jealousy he harboured towards his former best friend. Lex hated feeling that weak and insecure, but now that he was back in her life- sharing something that Clark would never be able to comprehend - Lex felt an overwhelming sense of power. He was the one, the only one, who could help Chloe now because- although Clark was her best friend- it was the billionaire who held the key to that part of her life her subconscious had kept locked. She needed him just as much as he needed her to heal the wounds which had haunted him for years and which were tearing her apart now.
Lex had just looked at his wrist-watch and seen it was five thirty in the morning when he heard Chloe´s bedroom door open. He closed his eyes and tried to even his breathing with the idea of feigning sleep. He felt her stop and hesitate as she approached the sofa where he was lying. The room was deadly quiet and the only sound he could hear was the soft tic-tac of his Napoleon franc watch close to his ear. He knew she was watching him and he wished he had the courage to open his eyes and look at her.
Chloe looked at the handsome man sleeping on her couch. He was covered only by a cotton sheet which had slipped down to reveal an appealing torso and a pair of cobalt blue boxers. She flushed all of a sudden, wondering for the umpteenth time in months what a gorgeous intelligent male specimen like Lex could have seen in a feisty, petite blonde such as her, when he had always favoured the willowy brunettes of this world.
Lex urged Chloe with his mind to quit staring at him and move before his body had a chance to betray him. He had kept his eyes tightly shut for what seemed an eternity until he ventured to open them just a slit, sheltered by the arm on his forehead. He cursed his timing when he saw her move towards the French door and the moonlight illuminated the luscious curves under her translucent nightgown.
Chloe thought she heard a moan in the silence of the living-room and turned slowly to steal a glance at the billionaire. Nothing looked amiss, and she blamed her own confused mental state for making her hear things. She turned back to the French door, unlocked it and stepped out onto the veranda.
Lex heard the sliding of the window and the cool breeze that blew into the room. It seemed Chloe was as insomniac as he was and in bad need of some fresh air to clear her mind. He looked at his watch again, it was quarter to six and the young reporter was sitting on the swing chair with her feet tucked underneath her. The chair was swaying gently and she appeared to be lost in her thoughts. Maybe he should venture onto the veranda and keep her some company.
Chloe rocked the swing chair with a soft and steady push and looked at the horizon; the sun was starting to rise. Another day was beginning. Another day wondering if there would ever come the time when she would be able to put the past behind her. Another day to miss what she hadn´t known she had once had.
¨Chloe, ¨murmured Lex from the threshold, ¨would you mind if I kept you some company? ¨
The blond woman looked at her flimsy nightdress and thought she had been a fool not to have put on something more discreet with Lex in the house. They might have known each other intimately and she couldn´t deny she found him attractive in spite of everything that had happened between them in the past four years but, while he had all the memories of them fresh in his mind, she still couldn´t get used to the idea that she had lain with him more than once, that he had seen her naked and that they had even...
¨Chloe? ¨came his voice again, taking her out of her reveries.
¨Yes? ¨she said in a strangled voice.
¨Would you feel more comfortable if I fetched you a robe or maybe a wrap? ¨he offered, and she couldn´t help but smile softly at his foresight.
¨Yes, please, ¨she mumbled.
A couple of minutes later she felt his presence behind her and the light touch of his hands as he put the wrap on her shoulders.
¨Thanks, ¨she said weakly, covering herself up with the exquisite hand-painted wrap Lex had given her as a birthday present when she turned twenty-two a couple of weeks ago.
¨May I? ¨he asked, looking at the vacant space on the swing chair.
¨Sure, ¨she answered, smiling softly as she noticed with relief he was now donning a pair of black trousers and a partially buttoned light-blue shirt.
¨Listen, Chloe, I know there´s a lot we haven´t talked about yet. Some things we´ve just scratched the surface of... ¨
¨You mean 33.1?¨
¨Among other things, yes. ¨
¨Now I know why you had me abducted in the middle of the night. I understand the need for the implant in my case, but that doesn´t explain why you´re still keeping my mother and all those other freaks at 33.1. ¨
¨There´s an explanation for everything, Chloe. And your mum´s been released, by the way. ¨
¨What? ¨she asked with a catch in her voice.
¨I´ve had her transferred to a neurological institute. ¨
¨A neurological institute? Why? ¨
¨She isn´t crazy, Chloe. She doesn´t belong in Belle Reve, and 33.1 hasn´t been created for cases such as hers.¨
¨But you used her, Lex. You used her and, in doing so, you gave me hope- hope that I could have her again in my life. ¨ ´
¨I know it´s not a valid excuse in your books, Chloe, but everything I did then was for a bigger purpose. You must agree with me that some of the meteor–infected are dangerous people.¨
¨We both know I´m a meteor freak. Does that make me dangerous? ¨
¨So am I, Chloe. I´ve never been ill since the first meteor shower. You know of my abnormal immune system because you did your research seven or eight years ago. And, no, I don´t believe you´re dangerous.¨
¨How could you know? ¨
¨You´re aware of my obsession with security cameras. Everything that happened at Reeves Dam was recorded. ¨
¨But... the place was completely destroyed. ¨
¨I always keep back-ups of everything on my internal server and nothing happened to it because it´s in a secured location. ¨
¨So you know. ¨
¨I do, and it´s an extraordinary gift, Chloe. ¨
¨I... I didn´t know I had it, Lex, ¨she sobbed. ¨If I had known then, I could have... ¨
¨Chloe, don´t do this to yourself. For all we know, you could have been infected in the second meteor shower. Besides, we both know from experience that the powers of meteor-infected people can remain dormant for years. It wasn´t your fault. ¨
¨You keep saying that... ¨she cried, ¨but ... what if I had had it? ... What if I could have made use of it?... He might be still alive... ¨she stammered with tears in her eyes.
Lex felt a large lump in his throat and experienced the sudden urge to wrap her in his arms to comfort her, but he was afraid of her rejection. God knew he had always felt awkward when it came to exteriorising his deepest feelings or when facing a woman in tears. For all his millions, he was ill-equipped for the world of affections and he owed that to his father´s upbringing. If Lillian had lived... ´Too many ifs,´ thought Lex.
¨We can´t live on what ifs, Chloe. ¨
¨You can say that because, unlike me, you´ve had time to... ¨
¨You´re wrong, Chloe, ¨he cut her off.
¨How am I wrong? You have all our memories intact while I´ve just learnt that the person whom I thought was my bitterest enemy was the most important man in my life apart from my dad four years ago. We were planning a life together after the trial- we had started a life together, for God´s sake! Tell me, Lex, how am I supposed to overcome the fact that I´ve murdered my own child? You´ve had time to mourn him, but I... ¨
¨Chloe, it was me who called the shots at the time. Your reproductive system was a mess, darling; that´s the reason you´ll need those hormones for life. The experimental procedure was a long shot, but it worked- you pulled through. The odds of survival for the baby were very flimsy, but there was a chance he might make it. However, if I hadn´t allowed the C-section, I would have lost both of you. So, if you want to blame someone for his death, blame me because it was I who took the decision. And God help me... if I were in the same position, I would do it again. ¨
¨What is it with you and your damn need to take the blame for things you haven´t done? You´re no saint, Lex. I could give you a long list of questionable deeds I know for certain you´re to blame for. But it was me who was driven off the road. It was me who crashed the car and killed my father and our child because I was too stubborn to listen to two people who knew better. ¨
¨I agree with you that you should have stayed at the safe house and let me handle the witness, but maybe it was me who drove my dad´s emissaries to you when I came to see you. ¨
¨But you wouldn´t have come that day if I hadn´t left the house to do my research and alerted my dad with my actions. ¨
¨Chloe, ¨Lex begged her.
¨I need this, Lex. I need to accept my share of guilt. I need to mourn him, Lex. You must let me have that at least. I appreciate your effort to protect me from pain, but... ¨she said, her eyes brimmed with tears.
Lex had done his best effort not to touch her and run the risk of having her push him away, but when he saw the dampness in her beautiful green eyes again, he threw care to the wind and wrapped her in his arms. At first, she stiffened, stunned by Lex´s reaction and then, she pressed up against his chest and let him hold her on his lap as the tears trailed silently down her cheeks.
Eventually, the young woman fell asleep, and the billionaire took a deep breath, uncoiling the tension which had seized his body and enjoying the feel of her warmth against his skin. Seeing her so vulnerable and ready to trust him when just a couple of months ago she would have looked at him with hatred and talked to him with venom in her voice undid him. The tears he had checked while she was awake started to roll down his cheeks, and he closed his eyes tightly, cursing his father for bringing all this suffering on them both. If Lionel hadn´t chosen to have his own parents murdered, none of this would have happened. Yet, if Chloe hadn´t had a crush on Clark and entered a bargain with the devil when the farm boy inadvertently hurt her, Lex would perhaps have never had the chance to develop such a strong bond with her. It was Lionel who had brought them together, and it was also him who had kept them apart.