Chapter 3
We walk along the hallway quietly. "This is the bathroom…" She says softly. I don't remember ever seeing anything other than contempt and hostility in Rosalie's eyes, but right this minute… it seems that as one woman to another… she has sympathy for me… A few minutes later, I step out of the bathroom and into a wall of ice. As she embraces me, Rosalie whispers, "I'm so sorry, Bella. It sounds like life has been really horrible to you since we left… I know what its like to lose the ability to have children…When the others told me what being a vampire meant, I was so upset… If only we had been there…"

"NO… Rosalie, don't go down the path of 'if only' or 'what if'..." I start to cry again. "I've traveled that path. It's not a pleasant trip. I've decided that if you guys were there, I would never have done or experienced the things I have…I wouldn't have gotten close to Jake… I never would've gone to Washington University…I would not have become as independent as I am now." We make our way to the living-room to gather. "I know you all hear me. I know you all are thinking along the same lines. Please don't…Believe it or not, I'm glad some of those things happened. I want you to know that my thoughts and memories of you helped me get through it all. Rose, thoughts of you and Esme made me grateful that I was able to get pregnant at all. In my journal, the entries are addressed 'Dear Alice' or 'My dearest Edward'. When I had the nightmares…after I found the gifts…and I needed comforting I played the CD Edward made for me; it soothed my soul. When I watched Jake and his pack play sports, I thought of Emmett and Jasper. I also thought of Rose and the guys when I listened to the radio in my truck…Just the thought of Carlisle was enough to see me through a visit to the ER, when I needed stitches or a broken bone to be set…But I got through the tough times, with those thoughts and the presence of my Mom, Dad, and Jake…and I'm a bit more confident in my feelings and actions than I ever was before. I don't feel equal to you guys, of course, but I'm not one to be pushed around anymore, at least not by humans. Alice, Jazz, I looked into it and the ethics committee would have me fired if I hang with you guys outside of class. So, the study sessions need to include the other students if you decide to do that. If you'd like, there's another writing course you can take at the same time and in the same building, so we can get together after class and not get me in trouble. Ok?" They nod. "Now if nobody minds, I'm getting a bit sleepy. Edward, would you take me home please? I'll make sure to see you all in a day or two. Rose… Thanks." Her shy smile confirms our new bond. I hug everyone goodbye for the night and follow Edward out to the car.

Alice comes running out of the house. She whispers something to Edward and runs away. He looks nervous as he helps me into the Volvo.

"Edward… what was that all about?" I smirk.

"She just wanted to tell me that I need to explain some…things you need to know and understand…" He watches the road instead of me… That's new… "She also said to tell you that Jasper will be hanging around your house tonight… in case… I upset you and you need his help…"

I nod as we pull up to my place. "Come on in… You talk this time… I'll listen…" I open the door and direct him to the sofa.

"Huh… Ok, uhmmm… Where to begin…" He sits with his eyes closed.

"I'm going to check my machine while you put your thoughts in order." I go to my bedside table and push the correct button.

The first message is from my dad: 'Bells? You Ok? Jake called and said you sounded funny. I'll call again tomorrow…'

The next is from… Uh, oh… Jake…: 'Bella? Where are you? I thought you said you were having pizza at
home… Call me back in the morning, or I'm coming to visit…'

I cringe and hide my face in my hands. What the heck will I say to him…them…? What business is it of theirs anyway…? The Cullens are my concern not anyone else's… I shake those thoughts around in my brain for a moment… I just know he'll say something like: 'It is my concern if your heart gets ripped to pieces again and this time I'm not there to pick them up, Bells'.

I jump as Edward's voice comes out of the darkness of the hallway. "I guess he'll want to know more about the 'surprising students' when you talk to him… Won't he? Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you…"

I'm certain he can hear my heart racing. *Deep breaths, Bella.* As soon as I feel myself calm down I answer. "It's ok. I was just lost in my thoughts… Uhmmm, Edward let's sit on the sofa for our talk. I don't think we're back to the 'bedroom stage' yet…Ok?"

He nods shamefully and as we sit, his face looks so sad. "B-Bella, I'm SO sorry I left… I-I'm glad some good came to you through it, but I put us both through such hell. I don't know how you were able to forgive me… I'm so ashamed of myself and my actions…"

"Edward, stop! I thought you were going to explain, not apologize again… Now… Start at the beginning. Why were you so distant those few days before you left? Why did you lie and say you didn't love me… didn't want me? Do you know how painful that was to hear?" I feel tears prick my eyes. *I will not cry through this. I need to hear and understand this…especially if I expect us to ever get back together.*

His face has an expression of agony on it. His voice sounds strained as he whispers, "Do you remember the night of your birthday? Remember when… you asked me what I was thinking about? I told you I was thinking about right and wrong… To be specific, I had been thinking about how wrong it was for me to take you out of your world… I thought that it would be better for you to be with your human friends… I only wanted you to be safe and I thought the only way to do right by you… was to leave your world…to let you move on… I should have thought things through and seen you and our relationship more clearly… When I told you I didn't want you …didn't love you anymore… I felt my own heart shatter in my chest as you shut down and just accepted that…" He looks like he'd be crying if he was able to. "I know I hurt you, and…Bella, please don't tell me you still forgive me… I'll never understand how you can be so sweet to someone who has hurt you so much. I'll never forgive myself for ripping your heart out. I deserve to suffer in shame and pain for the rest of my existence. I deserve much worse than that but if it makes you feel better I'll do it… I'll leave this area and never return if you want…I'll leave my family and the school and country if you want…Please, Bella, tell me how to make your pain go away?"

I glare at him, "How can you say these things?! Those suggestions would punish your family and me just as much as it would you." He looks away. "No, look at me, Edward. I mean it… You will leave your family only if you want to hurt them…As for me…You have no right to decide what is right or wrong for me…If I want you in my life, that is what's right for me. If I wanted to marry a werewolf…that is what was right for me. I am in charge of my life, Edward. I was 18 and legally an adult…I had chosen my life… my path…and the people I wanted to travel it with. You took that…and them…away from me, and didn't even leave me my memories… When I found the gifts and the pictures, I knew that you had lied… and that you had wanted me to still have a small part of you with me. I found them on the year anniversary of the day you left. Jake was very upset at you…the first time I listened to your CD I cried and he had wanted me to throw the gifts away because they upset me. I hadn't been with him long… just a month or so… it was our first fight. Every year I went to the spot you left me. Every year I sat there and wondered what you were thinking… Now I know you weren't. The only thing you can do to make my pain go away is to say it, Edward. I know you can't read my mind, but for this… if you really think about it…you should be able to figure it out…" I look at him silently.

At first, he stares at me. I watch in horror as he gets up and walks out my door. Tears spring to my eyes. For the third time in one night, I'm sobbing. I grab a pillow and press my face into it. The door opens and I look up hopefully. As Jasper sits at my side and tries to calm me, I let the tears stream down my cheeks. The only thing that will calm me is in my CD player… I point to it. "J-Jazz, push p-play… pl-lease?" He nods and walks over to it. He doesn't seem surprised to hear my lullaby flowing through the speakers. He comes back to me and hesitantly opens his arms. "Thanks, Jasper, you're a good friend." I whisper as I curl up next to him letting Edward's love soothe me as nothing else in the world can.

The next day, as my eyes open I see a pixie flitting around my apartment. Alice notices that I'm awake and waves. "Hi, Bella."

I still feel arms around me though, so Jasper is still here. He looks down at me. "He'll come 'round, Bella. It may take a while, but Edward will realize that he's punishing you as much if not more than himself… Do you have a class today, Darlin'?" I shake my head. "Then just rest… Oh, just so you know Alice switched us to that other class. We don't want you gettin' into trouble on account of us."

I try to grin but end up with just a twitch. "Thanks." I look at the clock. "Oh shoot! It's late! Why did you let me sleep so late? I've gotta call Jake and my dad or there'll be Hell to pay! Ok, it's almost 11 am there… He'll wait 'til at least 11:30 before he panics, so I've got just enough time." I rush to the phone. I dial and listen to it ring…and ring. I hang up… "He must be at my dad's…" I dial and it rings once before I hear…

"Bella?"

"Yeah, Jake. What's going on?" I try to sound like everything is fine, but he knows me too well.

"You didn't just have pizza at home last night did you? Why did you lie…to me? You know if you need anything…"

I have to sound normal. "I know Jake. Look, I'm fine… There's nothing going on here that I can't handle. Jacob, you have your life to live, and so do I, so please just stay on your side of the country and we'll… I'll stay on mine."

He catches me quickly. "We? Who the HELL is WE?"

Dang it all! Now I've got my hands full! "Guys, I'm sorry… I'll have to tell him now. " They nod. "Jake, calm down. Tell my dad you need air or something and go outside, because you don't want to hurt anyone…ok? Are you…?"

He huffs. "Yeah, I'm outside… I know what you're gonna say though. It's the Cullens. Isn't it? You lied to me last night… because of them!"

I take a deep breath and confess. "Yes. The Cullens are here, Jacob. Listen, I love you, Jake, but…"

"Is HE there too? Are you just going to let him rip your heart out again? Haven't you been through enough? First him then me… I can't watch you go through that again, Bells. It'll kill your dad to see it again too...You know that."

"Jacob Black! Now, you listen to me! I will not be guilted into giving up some of the most important people in my life. I love Mom, Dad and you, but I never stopped loving HIM…and it may take a while, but I intend to convince Edward to accept my forgiveness and come back to me. I know you don't approve and I know that you know I don't care. I won't survive this life without him." I close my eyes feeling Jasper's gift calm me. "Now give my dad the phone, so I can tell him I'm ok…"