A/N: Disclaimer: Refer back to Chapter 1.
WARNING: DRAMA, FLUFF, WAFF, SENSITIVE CULTURAL ISSUES; BE WARNED.
Chapter 13: It's Never Enough
The ride towards their branch office had been a silent one. Argilla lay comfortably within Serph's car, not uttering a word with her eyes closed.
She had told him that she had been exhausted and would take nap until they had arrived. But that was false.
She was wide awake.
She wasn't sleepy.
Not by a long shot.
Her mind was still as sharp as wakefulness refused to leave her. The events of the evening had yet to depart from her memories…
Issues between her culture and her lover's still plagued her mind.
And as her imagination ran away with her, the small seed of fear began to sow itself within her skin.
Had they really made the right decision? Had being together, been the correct choice? Was falling in love with Serph really the right course of action…?
She asked the question out loud within her mind, half hoping that the rational part of her would offer an optimistic and buoyant response. Her hopes were crushed as she heard not a peep in her mind.
Her mind was silent.
It had nothing to say.
Her stomach lurched at that as she began to feel disgusted with herself as she imagined what her countrymen, her family…and most importantly, what her father would tell her should her relationship with Serph be revealed…
"Why him…?"
"For god's sake, why him Argilla…?!"
"Don't you feel dirty…?! How can you let his filthy hands touch you…?!"
"Haven't I taught you anything…!?"
"Don't you know that he'll just use you…?! And then, when he's through with you, he'll just drop you like an old and used rag…!"
"Oh god, don't tell me that you've slept with him as well…!"
"How many other men are there?!"
She gasped as she felt a hand touch her.
"Hey. You okay…?"
She bolted upright with lightning speed and shot her eyes open. Her frightened pink pools met Serph's silver eyes and there she calmed herself down. She had had a small nightmare, she reckoned.
She blinked as she read the worried expression on his face.
She immediately managed a weak smile, "I'm fine…I just…"
Serph looked at her intently, noting the small beads of sweat that formed upon her temples. She didn't speak and she attempted to hide it from him, but he knew that something bothered her.
He leaned towards her and took her hands in his, "Argilla, whatever it is, you can tell me."
The sound of his gentle, kind and loving words roused the girl from her nightmarish state and she gazed into his silvery pools, once more, getting lost within them.
The two stared at the other, with nothing being said.
And as the time passed, Argilla could feel her heart beginning to sign once more. There, within his eyes, she saw the strength and the love that she knew she would not find in any other man…
Within his silvery pools did she see herself…and her happiness…
There was no malice…
No cruelty…
No deceit…
There was only love in his eyes…
And what was more, there was only loyalty in them.
At that point, she parted her lips, with them slightly trembling, as she choked out her words, "Serph…"
"What is it?" he asked.
"Tell me…" she hinted, her eyes half lidded with need and desperation.
He knew what it was that she wanted to hear. No; he supposed that that was an incorrect and inaccurate sentence.
She wanted to know it.
He smiled a bit, his eyes peering into hers, intent on exorcising the demon that that was fear in her eyes and in her soul and whispered, "Mein…tumse pyaar karta hoon…I love you…"
Her heart sang in contentment as she let the pleasing and heartfelt words leave his lips and enter her ears.
Her soul felt at ease at that moment as she realized that none of the opinions of others, none of the stereotypes that she had thought of mattered…
No; none of that mattered now.
For tonight, there was just her and Serph.
Her and the man that she loved.
"Thank you Serph."
Serph smiled at her in return, happy and gladdened that the unrest and turmoil that he had seen in her eyes totally vanish…
Yes; he hadn't been blind to her hidden anguish. She tried so hard to be strong…and he respected her for that. But at that moment when she had asked him to tell her what he had just told her, he knew that she had been but a child seeking to hold her mother's hand as she wandered along a dark pathway, as blind as a bat…as lost as a damned soul in Purgatory.
He knew exactly why she needed to hear his words…
He knew because he felt the exact same way.
"I love you too Serph…I love you…"
His heart sang along with hers at that point.
No one mattered now.
Not his religion, not his family, not his culture…not his work…
Nothing.
No one.
All that mattered was that he was going to do everything to be with this woman…
Everything.
xxxx
Argilla had been in a good mood that day. She had completed her work early and had figured that she would coax her significant other to accompany her for a leisure night out into town.
It had been a few quick months for both him and her.
And neither she nor he, noticed. To them, it felt as though they had just started their relationship…
And she reckoned, that is the way it should always be…
'Yea…Pretend it's always your first day. That way, redundancy doesn't set it!' she piped in mentally, jovially.
Her growing smile was exacerbated further as she thought of her silver-haired lover and her planned night out. Quickly and without hesitation, she dialed his number.
She was quite aware that it was the weekend, but still she supposed that there was no harm in giving him a ring.
She tucked a stray lock of fuchsia behind her quaint ear as she continued to wait for him to answer her phone call.
And waited.
And waited still.
After half a minute had passed did she finally relinquish her call and stared at the small hand-held device in her hand with a small frown.
She then proceeded to shrug her shoulders.
He'd call back.
She was sure of it.
xxxx
He never did.
She shifted the gear of her car roughly as she scowled.
That was how it had been with them. And she just didn't understand why.
Once, twice, she could forgive.
But when it had happened more than that, then, that she just didn't understand and refused to accept.
'God…!' she thought exasperatedly, 'How hard is it to fucking pick up the phone and tell me that he's busy…!?' she internally screeched.
She understood that he had family commitments, most especially in the weekends. After all, she had them too. But that didn't entail that she had absolutely no time for her personal things and agendas as well. Just because that she was spending the day with her parents and siblings didn't mean that she would be totally incapable of picking up a simple phone call.
She frowned at that.
Even if she had been unable to speak, she had no qualms on responding to the call and telling the person on the other line that he or she could call at a later time.
It was just common sense to her.
It was just something she deemed as common logic…and basic courtesy.
She gritted her teeth as she thought more about Serph at that point.
She wasn't accusing him of being ill mannered or anything of the sort…nor was she mentally implying that his parents had deprived him in such manners, however, she did feel a sting of pain, hurt and a dash of insult as she realized that perhaps, the reason why he refused to respond to her calls was that he deemed it not to be important.
She grinded her teeth together at such a condescending thought.
And it wasn't just that either.
At times, she would call him in the evening or at night, just trying to see if he was alright. And whenever he wouldn't pick up, she would find herself worried. She bit her lip. She reckoned that she wasn't being a clingy mother to him, and she reckoned that she wasn't asking for much…
To her, if he could just say the words "I can't talk right now" or phrases such as "I'm okay. Don't worry about me", then she wouldn't even be half as upset about this whole phone call issue at all…!
But that wasn't the case.
The fact of the matter was, she was upset.
She was insulted.
And she was worried.
'Oh maaannn…' she whined, 'I mean, it's just natural to worry…! For God's sake! If my friend wouldn't talk to me in two days, without even one text message or a single phone call, then…of course I'd be worried…!'
'What if…what if he had an accident…!? Slipped in his bathtub and broke his hip…?! What if he had food poisoning…!? What if he hit his head on his desk…!? Can't he understand that…!?' she internally screeched.
'Maybe he can't.' another voice joined in her wrathful crescendo.
'And why wouldn't he…?!' she spat back.
'Honey, that's because he has a different culture…! Maybe they don't worry about these sorts of things like the way our family and culture does…!' the voice retorted logically.
She could say nothing at that.
Perhaps it was so…
Again, she knew that she was treading upon thin ice. Culture and religion had nothing to do with her little issue with Serph…She would do well to leave it at that. But as she listened to the voice, and as she let her mind and imagination meander did she find herself doubting herself.
Argilla suddenly shook her head silly as she laughed, "Huh…? Just what the heck am I thinking…?" she asked herself.
Putting her palm just above her closed eyes, she continued to laugh. She supposed she had been making too big ado over nothing at all…!
She was sure that Serph had his reasons for being unreachable.
Right…?
xxxx
She stopped speaking as she saw the man before her tilt his head to the side. Apparently, he failed to grasp even the smallest sense in her statement.
She made a face at that.
'It was a joke…! A jjoookkkeee!' she internally whined.
"Hehehe…" she laughed nervously, "Don't you get it?"
He blinked, "Erm, is that a Svathisthanan joke?"
She sighed, "No it's not."
Argilla then held his hand in hers, "It's okay. I know that you're not adept at things like this. Haha, anyway…"
"Hey! That's not true…! I can understand what you're trying to say…!" he defended, a bit of hurt evident in his pale silver eyes.
She looked into his eyes and saw that it was false but nonetheless she supposed that she should give him an A for effort…!
She smiled weakly at him though. She could feel a small rift in between them and he was trying to bridge it. And for that, she was grateful.
It wasn't his fault that he didn't appreciate some of the smaller things in life like the way she did…It was just that since he had come from a different background, jokes and whatnot was something that would take him some time to get used to…
Of course, in the verses of philosophy, work and religion, Serph was up to the mark…but those serious topics weren't the only pillars in a relationship.
In the affairs of the heart, she reckoned, one should have skills that transgressed the most rudimentary abilities.
In other words…
'He's cute. Check.'
'He's hard-working. Check.'
'He's faithful. Check…!'
'He's intelligent. Check!'
'He's got a good sense of humor…'
Dead silence.
'He understands me…'
The last one hit her on her head like a rock propelled from a catapult. Sure, he understood her basic feelings…but she also knew that he failed to understand things that were more…elusive and ambiguous.
Jokes may be a small portion of that, but it was portion of it nonetheless.
She can't help but act and behave as predisposed to her by her culture and religion…and it was these small things that she knew he failed to comprehend.
They had differences in how they sometimes viewed things on the bases of culture. They had differences in how they behaved and their train of thought; their thought patterns and trails of logic.
She had had a more individualistic view in life and in her decision-making; he was collective.
She preferred to move out of her father's house and relinquish her childish toys when she was old enough and financially ready.
But Serph would never even dare think of moving out from his parents; the reason being that his culture deemed it as disrespectful.
And that was just something that she didn't understand.
But that wasn't the point.
When they had been friends, these differences made no noise.
Of course not.
But it was because they simply were friends.
Being friends didn't entail much intimacy or much sharing of thoughts and feelings. Friends were friends.
But they weren't friends any longer.
They were man and woman who were in love.
And as such, unification was necessary.
And at that point, she was beginning to realize that they had been standing on very shaky grounds. She had had these thoughts for months, but she would always silence it. Doubts about the foundation of her relationship with Serph or its destination often lingered in her mind that at times, she would find herself distant towards him…
But whenever she would hear his words, she would always put such thoughts to rest, in its eternal repose and find herself forgetting what it was that she had been dreading to begin with.
And what exactly was that…?
'That we've gone in for a relationship for all the wrong reasons…'
'That we're trying to save a dying relationship…'
'That this…this affair that is between us will never blossom into anything else…That it won't be forever…'
'That you'll just end up leaving me…'
'Or I leaving you…'
Her heart leapt up suddenly, all the color draining from her face as she pondered over such a scenario.
But that was something she knew full well…
Wasn't it?
If there was something that she would always know about love is that…
'In staying together, love isn't enough…'
'It's never enough…'
xxxx
Serph lay on his bed that night. He thought he had heard his phone ringing. Blinking, he turned to his side and reached for the device. He raised an eyebrow.
'Argilla called…?' he thought.
He had the instant instinct to dial her number but decided against it.
It was late.
She was probably asleep.
But he couldn't help but wonder, would she really tolerate late night phone calls? Sure, while it was observed that she did pick up a phone call once or twice, no matter how late, it wasn't meant to be believed that she wasn't the sort who was crazy about phone calls.
Besides, as a Muladharan man, he knew that calling a woman in the late evening was something that was deemed as…inappropriate.
He then nodded, 'I'm sure she wouldn't mind that I didn't get to call her back. I'll get to talk to her tomorrow anyway.'
But phone calls and such wasn't his concern at the moment. It wasn't the mere reason why he was still awake and it wasn't the reason why sleep still refused to visit him.
'God…What…Just what is it that I think I'm doing…?' he asked himself, feeling a twinge of pain and…regret.
'What am I doing…with her…?' he asked himself; his eyebrows furrowed in concentration now.
'I love her.' he answered without hesitation.
But without direction.
He bolted upright at that moment and ran a shaky hand over his silver tresses.
His mother had called today.
And again, he had been reminded of the seemingly grim fate that awaited him still. He had been told that he had to marry in the upcoming year.
'Which is a few months away…' he thought with a heavy sigh.
He didn't want to think about it. But he could only run away from it for too long. The prospect of marriage…
'Huh…More like being trapped in a solitary confinement room at a rehab facility…' he thought with sadness.
Sure, as he had mentioned before that he would like nothing more than to settle down and have a family…
However…
A shimmering pair of pink jewels suddenly flashed before him.
'I…I found her…' he thought heavily. 'I know I didn't mean to…but I just did. I found her and…oh God, what I wouldn't give if she could just be a part of culture…!'
His eyes widened at that, his heart skipping a beat as he heard himself screaming his thoughts.
And his final words…
'…if she could just be a part of my culture…'
He didn't want to admit it; not to anyone, and not even to himself…
But the truth of the matter was that she wasn't a part of his culture. She wasn't from his religion…She wasn't from his community.
'I can't marry her.'
That was the painful, naked and unmasked truth, wasn't it?
His heart stung painfully as he affirmed it again.
No…he couldn't. Not now and not ever.
'No one would ever accept us…' he thought exasperatedly.
And he couldn't be any more right. No one would accept their relationship…
Not his relatives, not his community…
And most especially not his family.
'Mom…' he thought sadly. He would break her heart if she found out, wouldn't he…?
Again, for the nth time that night, he released a heavy breath and an even heavier sigh.
So, again, he asked…
'God…Just what am I doing with her…?'
It wasn't a question whether he loved her or not…
'It's a lot more complicated than that…'
He was new to this thing they called love…
But so far, he had found out one very important thing about it…
And it was…
'…It's not enough…' he thought, grinding his teeth together.
'It's never enough…'
xxxx