A/N: Disclaimer: Refer back to Chapter 1.
WARNING: DRAMA, ANGST, SENSITIVE POLITICAL and CULTURAL ISSUES. BE WARNED.
Chapter 14: Collapse of Perspective
Argilla bit her lip.
She tiptoed ever so carefully, giving it her all so that she may not trip…or make a sound.
Sweat began to accumulate on her forehead as she continued her daunting feat…
She was almost there…
Almost…
"You know that I can smell you from there, right?" asked a male voice knowingly.
Argilla froze at that moment and a second later, made a face, frowned and shrugged her shoulders. She could never sneak up on him anymore…
'Nah…Not anymore.' she thought to herself.
"Nah. You just got used to my smell that's all!" she claimed as her silver-haired lover turned to face her.
It had been another weekend and she had thought that it was a nice excuse for her to visit him in another of his seemingly late working hours…
And she was right in her assumption.
Again, Serph had allowed himself to take on most, if not all, of the team's workload. And again, everything had been a pile of crap…upon crap for him to sort out.
"Maybe it's time I change my perfume…!" she said wistfully.
Serph chuckled at her as he watched her cross her arms, her eyes on the ceiling and spoke, "No matter what perfume or cologne you wear, I'll always know it's you."
Argilla narrowed her eyes slightly at him, "Oh yea? How would you?" she asked; daring him evidently.
He grinned at her, ever so slightly, leaning from his chair, before recoiling back and whispered, "I just know…"
Argilla blushed at that.
Hiding her apparent embarrassment, the pink-haired woman turned her back from the him and spoke, "By the way, I read that mail from Shin. He's getting married…?" she asked, clearly changing the subject.
Serph scratched the back of his head, "Well…yes and no. He already got married last year."
Raising her eyebrow, Argilla turned to him, "Oh? Then, what's with the wedding invitation?"
Serph blinked calmly as he lay back on the chair comfortably, "Well, he's just renewing his vows with his wife…It's their anniversary. So, they're making another round of celebrations this year."
"Wow…!" she exclaimed.
Her insides suddenly froze.
Shin was from the same place as Serph…
She could only speculate…
'Hm…Let's see what he'll say…' she mentally trailed off, knowing full well what she was to say to put Serph in her little test…
"So, what about you Serph…?" she asked him, "When are you planning on getting married…?" she asked with feigned beaming eyes.
'I wonder if he'll notice me faking it…' she thought.
Serph, oblivious to the examination that he had suddenly been subjected to, put a hand on his chin and thought honestly before replying just as calmly, "Hm…Some time this year or next year I suppose."
A pang of pain hit Argilla's heart as she heard his calm and honest reply.
'So he didn't notice…' she thought; her heart sinking lowly.
"H-have you spoken to your mother a-about that…?" she asked, giving it her all so that her pseudo smile remained in place.
Still oblivious to the pain that his partner had begun to feel, the silver-haired man continued his answer, "Well, as a matter of fact yes."
"R-really…?" Argilla asked, beginning to drawl her syllables…which, fortunately, were not picked up by her partner.
"Yes. In fact, she had sent me some of their photographs."
Argilla's heart stopped beating for a moment.
Another slap on her dignity…and another sting in her heart.
'Serph…You…you insensitive…you insensitive pig…!!' she internally screamed, while still having that feigned albeit crumbling smile.
"D-did you like any of them…?" she asked carefully.
She didn't even know why she asked that. She had got to be the dumbest and stupidest woman in the world. How could a woman be asking her lover about picking a wife…!? She had got to have gone insane…
'Maybe I am…'
"As a matter of fact…hm…Not quite really thought about it…"
'So, he's considering it…' she thought, her heart, not just her smile, crumbling…
'He…He didn't even consider me…He didn't even consider me and my feelings…Oh Serph…How much more do you think I could stand any of this…?'
And she couldn't be any prompt than that. How much more could she stand the idea of having a lover on borrowed time…? How much more could she tolerate the fact that he would just be dating her until the time came for him to marry in which case he had to leave her…?
'Why can't he-!?'
She froze and held her thought's tongue as the idea began to surface in her brain.
She frowned then.
What idea…?
'Why…Why can't he fight for me…?' she asked herself sadly.
Yes.
That was the question that she had wanted to ask all along.
Why couldn't Serph fight for her…?
'Aren't I…worth fighting for…?' she asked herself poignantly.
Sure she knew the pitfalls of intercultural relationships. But relationships of those kinds succeeded too…! They weren't all failures…
And it was because both man and woman fought for the other; they fought for their right to love freely and to live life happily in their own terms…and not by the predispositions and decisions of their faith, culture, religion or family…
And for a while there…
For the last months, she had thought and imagined that she and Serph had had that property; she had thought that since she was confident that she could fight for Serph…that Serph would fight for her too…
That was foolhardy on her part she supposed…
'I…I just thought that…love conquers all. That's…that's…all…Isn't that how it's supposed to be…?' she asked herself, now feeling shame that she had been deluding herself on the concept of "happily ever after".
That she had thought of such a notion about love as she had grown up just as she had been a child was just mad…
Love was supposed to be unconditional…Love was supposed to be felt without questions. Love was supposed to be all knowing; but knew not of differences in race, color or creed.
With furrowed eyebrows, Argilla clenched her hands into fists, 'But…maybe in this part of the world, maybe colors of the skin and religion do matter…' she thought angrily, sadly, despising both hers and Serph's religion and ethnic backgrounds.
The pink-haired woman was suddenly shot down from her sorrowful reverie as Serph's voice interrupted her thoughts with another of his cheerfully yet painful statements, "But don't worry about that now Argilla. There are still quite a few months to go."
Something shattered in Argilla's insides as she listened to Serph's preposterous reasons.
'I…I guess…I'm just not worth fighting for after all…' she thought as her heart bled sorrowfully.
She then repeated his words within her mind, her mind shattered, 'Not…to worry…huh?'
'Not to worry!?' she suddenly screeched internally, 'What the fuck is this…?! Enjoy it while it lasts?! Be his plaything…his whore, practice on me and then just dump me when his…his real, clean and pure bride comes along…!? What the fuck does he think I am…!? An object?! A pastime…?!'
"Hey, are you okay…?"
She snapped awake as she felt his hand on her shoulder. Pink met silver and all was still.
She was filled with anger at that point…anger…and disappointment.
But for some reason, she couldn't seem to find her voice to scream at him. She couldn't tell him a word of what she had just been feeling.
"I'm fine." she said finally, with a weak smile.
"You sure…? You look a bit pale. You want a glass of water?" he asked, concern written all over his features.
She shook her head faintly, "I'm…I'm fine." she responded weakly.
"I'll get you some water." he insisted.
And with that, the young man disappeared from the room.
She watched him as he left and there finally, when his back was turned from her that she had released one single tear from her eye.
She had not said anything because she had thought that he had understood…
She thought that he had understood her feelings. She thought that he had understood that what he had been doing was painful to her. She had thought that he knew that the idea of him marrying was painful to her…
She supposed she was wrong…
Maybe all he understood was this…was this "thing" they called a relationship…
'A pastime is more like it…' Argilla thought sadly.
'A pastime…That's all I'm ever going to be…'
xxxx
She lay on her bed for what seemed like an eternity. She had work the next day and should've been sound asleep for the last few hours…But instead, she lay there wide awake.
She bit her lip as she thought more and more about her growing conundrum.
She turned to her side with her pink eyes wide open, staring into the widened dark space in front of her.
'What…what should I do now…?'
She was on that proverbial fork on the road.
She knew not where to go…
She knew that she had to make a decision and make it fast…
However…
She faltered.
She bit her lips harder as she continued to ponder. The choices that lay before her were simple ones…
But difficult to follow.
She sighed.
She knew that her relationship with Serph wouldn't go anywhere. Up until that same night, she had had the faint glimmer of hope that there was a future for them to be together…But as she caught an impromptu glimpse of what it was he thought, what it was he believed and what it was he felt…she knew that she had been a fool.
His voice still lightly rang in her head…as she reminisced.
"When are you planning on getting married…?"
"Hm…Some time this year or next year I suppose."
"H-have you spoken to your mother a-about that…?"
"Well, as a matter of fact yes."
"R-really…?"
"Yes. In fact, she had sent me some of their photographs."
"D-did you like any of them…?"
"As a matter of fact…hm…Not quite really thought about it…"
How could she had been so blind as to not notice that it had only been her who had been fantasizing about a future for the both of them…?
How stupid could she had been not to see that her lover, himself, had not even once contemplated about making her his wife…?
Not once.
And from the looks of it…
'Not ever…'
How could she not have suspected it from the beginning…?
'How…how foolish…' she thought, a tear trickling down her cheek.
'But how is it that Heat wanted to be with you hm…?' asked a silky voice inside her head.
'That's right. He and Serph follow the same faith. So, how is it that Heat can fight for you and Serph cannot eh…?' it asked snidely.
Again, she didn't have an answer.
Another tear rolled down her cheek.
'Hmph. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe Serph can't fight for you because he doesn't want to.'
Her eyes widened at that.
'Maybe…maybe…' she thought sadly, feeling her chest suddenly and violently constrict, denying air to her lungs.
'Hah…Typical. Just going to accept things and just cry…Just like your Serph. Such a coward…'
Hearing the last word echo over and over again in her head, seemingly resounding within an endless corridor, the pink-haired woman slammed her palms on both her ears, "S-stop…! T-that's not true…!"
'You know it is sweetheart.'
'Serph just doesn't love you enough…' it taunted her without mercy, 'He never did…and he never will. You might as well get used to it.'
A moment later, stillness occupied her mind. The voice was gone and all was quiet.
Another agonizing moment passed and there she let out a trembling and labored breath as the path that she was to take became all the more clear.
She must…
'I must leave him, mustn't I…?'
Perhaps she was overreacting. Perhaps the voice was just overly lugubrious. Perhaps she was just stressed over her job and her father…
There were so many "perhaps"…
But then again, perhaps the voice was right.
But it wasn't even about that.
'It's just silly…really.' she thought to herself as she laughed humorlessly, 'It's just too damn silly to put in that much effort…in something that is destined to die out…'
Precisely her relationship for Serph.
Why pour her heart and soul for a man who wouldn't do half of the things she would…? Why stay with a man who couldn't love her in return the way she did him…? Why allow herself to fall desperately upon the pit of the abyss in which there was no turning back when all that awaited her below was nothing but despair…?
"Hahah…" she laughed ironically, shaking her head, "This affair is on a train headed straight to hell…"
'Might as well get off when I still can…' she laughed.
Her lips and mouth laughed.
But her heart and soul wept.
She had to leave him.
She didn't want to…
She really didn't…
But perhaps, it was for the best.
For the both of them.
xxxx
Serph looked at Argilla from the corner of is eyes. She looked beautiful…as usual. He smiled at that. They had had another team meeting. He chuckled as he pondered over Argilla's facial expression during the aforesaid meeting.
Ever since Mortimer had been promoted to become the sales manager of Ajna and the Northern Tribes, their time had been given a new team leader.
He wasn't surprised to know that Quentin had been picked to replace Mortimer.
And ever since that time, a lot of things had changed.
Argilla had told him about such things many a time. And the exclusion of lunch after every monthly team meetings was just one of those changes…One of which Argilla hated.
That was why she didn't want to attend that meeting…
That was the reason why she didn't speak a word that day. And he reckoned that that was the reason why she wrinkled her face so.
He chuckled again. Now that the meeting was over, they had been asked to return to their respective duties; which means that Argilla and her fellow RBEs were to return to their destined showrooms with an empty stomach.
He bit his lip at that.
If there was anything that he knew about Argilla was that she had had a very demanding stomach. He had never really heard of a stomach that growled. But hers did; even as she ate.
To him, it was a very intriguing and strange occurrence.
'Hm…but at least, now I know that she's not the noisiest being in the world.' he thought with a chuckle.
The sudden and loud sound of Argilla's heel on the stone pavement brought the silver-haired man out of his reverie. When the meeting had been adjourned, he had taken it upon himself to walk Argilla downstairs, through the parking lot and towards her car, just as he had always done.
He had thought that during their short walk alone from the office would entice the pink-haired woman to speak.
But…apparently, as she continued to be silent and distant as she had been throughout the meeting, he was wrong.
He slightly frowned.
He had had a slight suspicion that there, upon her shoulders, was a great weight…And he had expected her to tell him.
But she didn't.
Instead, she had become silent, an introvert…and distant.
He had given her, her personal space in hopes of helping her…but no changes had been observed.
He reckoned that now was the perfect time to ask…
"Argilla?"
No reply.
He tried again.
No reply.
"Argilla…!"
His voice came out a bit louder than he had intended, however, it had served its purpose as his lady had stopped walking and looked at him with a dazed expression, "Serph…? Did you say something?"
He smiled as he took in her confused expression, "No. Not really. I was just wondering."
She raised an eyebrow, "What about?"
"You." he deadpanned.
"What about me?" she asked.
He blinked; he didn't expect her to be…agitated. Had he done something she didn't like…? Had he done something wrong?
"Nothing…Just." he stopped and then resumed his speech a moment later, "I just know that you have a burden on your shoulders…"
Argilla's pink eyes widened, 'Am I that transparent…?'
She then laughed, 'A burden…? That's the understatement of the year.' she thought as she internally rolled her eyes.
"Serph. I'm fine; really." she assured him.
Serph opened his mouth to speak, completely unconvinced when Argilla had cut him off, "I'm fine. I promise."
The small smile that she wore was his current and only consolation. And he trusted her. He believed that she would tell him when she was ready.
"Well, alright." he nodded.
"You were so silent today." he told her, completely changing the subject.
"Eh…I found it boring." Argilla said childishly, turning her face from him, and staring at the floor disinterestedly.
He smiled; she was beginning to sound better already.
"Yea…You just found it boring because you know that there's no food to follow." he told her, chuckling softly.
She stuck her tongue out at him at hearing that comment and said nothing. Why? Because she knew that his allegation wasn't completely baseless.
"And that's not all." he continued, "You just don't like Quentin very much."
She rolled her eyes, "No shit Sherlock."
He tilted his head to the side as he heard her comment in confusion. He still didn't understand those kinds of punch lines…
'Must be a Svathisthanan joke…'
"Is that a Svathisthanan joke…?" he asked with a soft chuckle.
"Serph. I'm leaving you." Argilla replied, ignoring flat-out what Serph had just asked her, her voice low with bone-chilling tones.
"What?" he asked, still not grasping what it was she had just said.
She could feel her heart palpitate in agony at what she was doing but she forced it to stay still, telling herself all the while that it was for the best.
"Serph, I think that it's just best if we just remain friends."
Serph couldn't think. He couldn't speak. His eyes, once glued on her, suddenly traveled to his shoes, as he distinctly felt that he was losing ground. His pupils dilated and his heart raced as he fully began to comprehend Argilla's words.
Although he wanted to shout at her and scream, demanding an explanation at her sudden and abrupt decision, only one word came out from him, "Why…?"
Argilla's lips trembled as his silver eyes met her pink orbs, feeling her strength begin to leave her.
'I…I mustn't…!'
"Serph. It's not working…"
Like gushing mad water from a broken dam, Serph suddenly seized the pink-haired woman by the wrists, his silver eyes piercing her glistening eyes, and asked shakily, "B-but why…? D-did I do something wrong…?"
The woman said nothing but just shook her head.
"Then…why?" he choked pitifully.
Serph searched Argilla's eyes for any answer…for any faint ray of hope that there was still a chance for them. He looked for any possibility that perhaps she was just playing a prank on him like she did many a time.
There he was, expecting for her to say a "jusstt kidding…!" or a "you've been punked…!"
That small flicker of hope in him began to dwindle and finally go out as the woman before him continued to stay as statuesque as she had been.
"You…" he started to say.
"You…You don't love me anymore." he spoke in a small whisper.
Again, she said nothing, but this time, she smiled languidly. She dared not say a word. For if she did, he may see through her charade.
And so, she simply nodded and pried his hands from her, "I suppose…This is goodbye."
Now, it was his time to be silent.
Argilla, with her weak smile still in tact, she spoke, "Well, not forever. We'd still be friends right…?"
Argilla felt a pang of pain right there as she noted with regret that Serph refused to let his eyes grace her presence. There he was, staring at the gray bricked ground at their feet, still refusing to say a word.
"Right Serph…?" she asked in a pseudo cheerful tone.
"…Of course…"
She parted her lips to say something to him but before she could, the man began to walk away from her…leaving her in the parking lot.
She looked on after him with saddened eyes. She wanted to run after him and tell him that she wasn't serious or that she had just lied…or maybe that she was just joking.
But she remained rooted on her spot.
"It's for the best…"
And with that, she turned towards the opposite direction and walked away, leaving in that bricked pavement the love that she had felt all those months, the love that she had given and the love she knew she will never posses for him again.
xxxx