A/N: Hi everyone, thanks so much for the reviews... they really made me want to keep going. I've written this chapter for the main purpose of driving the plot forward, because I'm getting impatient with my own story. I also had an attack of the doubts, and deleted this chapter yesterday from the story because I didn't think it was good enough. That's probably a bit paranoid. Anyway, as always, I appreciate constructive criticism - even if you have the smallest issue with my story I'd love you to tell me about it, because I really want to get my first fanfic right!
So on with the plot...
Two days later, it appears that 3am dinners have given birth to more practical breakfasts. He gets out of bed at the command of his alarm and finds Ziva in his kitchen eating poached eggs on toast, and a matching plate with an added bonus of bacon on his side of the counter.
It fleetingly occurs to him that until a month ago, he didn't even have a particular side of the counter.
She tells him that his basin is probably cold by now, and he corrects her cheekily and tells her its bacon and she punches him in the arm, a smile playing on her lips as she takes another forkful of eggs.
They go separately to work, him citing the will to live as a reason to take his own car.
He wonders if that's true.
The team finds a corpse. It's a little girl, estimated 4 years old, but it's difficult to tell under the charred flesh.
Like her. Blown to smithereens without any sort of warning.
Ducky takes a tissue sample and Tony sprints up to Abby, throws the sample at her and jogs out again to avoid another confrontation he knows he can't make. CCTV footage shows Lila being taken by the hand by a hooded man and led out of sight from the cameras. Anything that happened after that is anybody's guess, and the guess is going to be his.
He can't do it.
So he sprints past his desk, pausing only to grab his cell and his wallet and drives to the nearest bar. It's dark and dingy even in the middle of the afternoon and is the sort of bar he'd picked up in before. He orders tequila, shots, and within the hour he's as drunk as hell. He finds he doesn't care.
The last thing he remembers before total unconsciousness is someone tall and black asking him if he's okay.
He wonders briefly before he hits the floor if he will ever find the correct response.
He wakes up in an unfamiliar bed and instantly panics. It's not as though he hasn't woken up in strange beds before but since her, he's been unconsciously practising celibacy, and automatically feels as though some sort of shrine has been defiled. He rolls over slowly, grimacing at the unwelcome light of the bedroom lamp even though it appears to be dark outside. He feels himself for clothes, and is relieved to find they're still intact. He sits up, groans under the weight of his hangover, and nearly has a heart attack.
Ziva is perched on a chair in the corner of the room, glass of wine in hand, her expression unreadable. In the glow of the lamp, it's an Exorcist moment and he struggles to regulate his breathing and heart rate enough to ask her why the hell she's in this room.
'Abby found you. Drove you home.' Her voice is calm, but there's an edge in there too and she shifts slightly when she says it. 'What the hell were you thinking, Tony? Have you ever tried to explain to Gibbs why your partner feels a sudden urge to disappear to in the middle of a case?'
It takes him a moment to realise this is Abby's bed he's lying in. The quilt is spider patterned and there are skulls with candles dotted all around the room in varying degrees of fright.
'Guess she lied about the coffin then,' he says, trying to make a joke, but she's having none of it and he can tell. She eyes him for a moment before speaking again.
'You can't keep on like this, Tony.'
'Where's Abby?' Lame attempt at a subject change, he thinks.
'At the lab. Tissue samples came through. And I don't know if they're Lila's,' she adds when he opens his mouth to ask that very question.
There is an unbearably awkward pause which he uses to pretend to look for the time. A glow-in-the-dark clock covered in pretend bloodstains tells him it's almost 1am, although what he really wants to know is if she's as embarrassed as he is. He got himself drunk over one stupid case, passed out, and ended up in Abby's bedroom. If that doesn't qualify him for some idiot award he doesn't know what will.
'Sleep it off. I'll wake you at 5.' Ziva says, her tone indicating she thinks the award is coming his way too but she's worried and the familiar lump of guilt rises in his throat. She stands up with a swish and he nearly has a cardiac arrest again when he notices what she's wearing.
The dress is deep purple and backless, and clings to her like a second skin. Her hair is swept up and a silver chain dangling the first three inches of her spine tells him her necklace is not her usual Star of David. There are silver bracelets on her wrists and her earrings remind him of tears.
'Ziva, were you on a date?' he says before he can stop himself.
She turns and eyes him to see if he's teasing her, but the way he's gaping at her leaves room for little else other than sincerity. She rubs her neck tiredly.
'Yes, I was. Not that it's your business,' she sighs.
He takes a minute to process this. Ziva left a date for me. A date. For me. Because I am too stupid to take care of myself.
'Tony?' He's still gaping at her. 'Do you need anything?'
He pulls himself together and looks into her face, feeling totally incapable of feeling the extreme range of emotions he is currently being consumed by.
He tries his hand at a reassuring grin, and makes a sort of strangled noise in indication of his embarrassment. Ziva. Failed date. My fault.
She nods curtly, and closes the door behind her. He hears the phone ring, the tune of The Addams Family, and Ziva reassures Abby down the line that he is indeed conscious.
He turns over, feeling like a child, the embarrassment of the day's events burning a slow hole in his heart. Idiot, he thinks. I wasn't even trying to drown out Jeanne.
Jeanne. He thinks of her desperately, trying to replace the embarrassment and guilt in his bloodstream with the grief he's grown accustomed to. Ands tries again.
It doesn't come.
She stays all night, alternating between watching TV and Tony. He knows this because when she wakes him, she's still in the purple dress, her hair now loose around her shoulders and the remote in hand. She's not angry with him but she looks totally wrecked, so he makes her coffee, a peace offering which is accepted gratefully. He follows her meekly to her car and she drives them both to her apartment, so she can get out of the dress and into the shower. He waits patiently on the couch, for the painkillers he found in Abby's bathroom to kick in.
Her apartment is simple, but overpowering in texture. The walls are the colour of milky coffee and the furniture is all in dark timber, except for his current seating arrangement which is brown suede. Black and white photos adorn the walls, framed only by glass. His eye catches one of Ziva as a toddler, standing beaming in the sun, her arm stretched out to hold the hand of a younger girl almost identical to herself. Another shows adult Ziva standing smugly with what he assumes were her operatives, all Israeli men with bushy facial hair. It's the third one that attracts his attention.
It's a photo of the team: Gibbs, standing stiffly; McGee and Abby draped around each other; Ducky on their other side, smiling his knowing smile; him, flashing his 100 watt grin. But the person smiling softly next to him is not Ziva.
It's Kate.
Before he can pull his jaw up off the floor, a voice curls around him. 'Something interesting, Tony?'
He immediately averts his gaze, and tries and fails to look interested in the brown shagpile rug. She reaches out and places her hand on his back, which makes his skin burn and he swivels around in shock. She looks at him; steady and searching. She opens her mouth as if to speak and he leans forward to catch whatever explanation she has for his dead partner's photo on her wall. She hesitates, and closes it again, steers him towards her front door, and locks her secrets behind them.