The next morning, I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself for allowing things to go so far. I was relieved that Data had already left for duty — he'd left me a note on a PADD stating as such. I closed my eyes hoping that the images would change upon reopening them, but it was no use. I was still in Data's quarters, in his bed. I could hear the faint sound of Spot purring as she slept at my feet. I drew my knees in close and hugged them before dropping my head into my arms. As I took in one deep breath after another, I attempted to figure out what I would do next. I was to report for duty in less than three hours and it complicated things since my commanding officer, and friend, was now also my lover. I thought about the snickering and stares I would endure from other members of the ship if word of our relationship were to become known. I was desperate not to allow that to occur.
After I showered and slipped into my uniform, I noticed that there was lingering agony which reminded me of the previous night's passion — something I desperately wanted to forget at the time. Ignoring the slight pain, I proceeded to Engineering to report for duty and was beyond relieved to see that he wasn't there. Geordi mentioned that I'd be working with him since Data was on the bridge. I felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders and I threw myself into my work. Just when I thought I had forgotten about the night before, the dull pain returned briefly when I sat in a chair to review a few schematics. It wasn't nearly bad enough to cause me to cry out since it was more a nuisance than anything, but Geordi read the discomfort that was clearly written across my face.
"Hey, Kadalynn, you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, Commander. My… back's just a little sore, that's all." I lied while putting on a brave face.
"Maybe you should have the doctor take a look at it. There's no need for you to work with pain if you don't have to."
"I'm fine, really. There's no need for me to go to sickbay. Actually, I think the pain is starting to go away on its own." I said while rotating my shoulders, but he didn't buy it. I always did have trouble lying to people.
"Kadalynn, you don't have to try to be brave. In fact, I'm ordering you to have the doctor take a look at you, it looks like you've had trouble sleeping too. I'd hate to see one of your old injuries relapse. If that's the case, the doctor may catch it early. Anyway, I don't want you working at anything less than one-hundred percent. I don't want to ruin my reputation of running a tight ship here." he said with a gentle smile.
Knowing that there was no arguing with Cmdr. LaForge, I left for sickbay. Upon entering, I knew there would be no way to hide my real ailment from Beverly. When I sat on one of the bio-beds, I winced when the pain returned briefly upon contact.
"Alright Kadalynn, if you miss me, you don't have to injure yourself in order to see me." Beverly joked and I forced out a smile.
Her light smile faded into a concerned expression as she regarded me.
"Kadalynn, why did you specifically request to see me so urgently?"
"I'm sorry Beverly, I know you weren't on duty, but you know my medical history better than anyone here." I answered.
Beverly's expression indicated that she saw right through my weak explanation.
"Kadalynn, any of my staff are more than capable of treating you. Is this regarding something personal?"
Tears filled my eyes as I nodded.
"What's wrong?" she asked as she gave me a soft hug.
I went on to explain the situation to her. However, I didn't dare tell her who I had been with.
"Kadalynn, were you forced?" Beverly asked with grave concern.
"No! Not at all." I answered.
"Well, your injuries are minor. One treatment should alleviate the pain." Beverly replied after scanning me with the tricorder.
" Beverly, please don't tell anyone about this." I asked desperately.
"Kadalynn, don't worry. Your visit is strictly confidential." Beverly reassured with a warm smile.
After treating me, Beverly requested that I refrain from… certain activities for at least a week.
"… and Kadalynn, tell lover boy to take it a little easier on you next time." Beverly replied before I left her office.
On my way out of sickbay, Lt. Helenia Gomez gave me a strange smile as she waved. I knew she hated my guts, so I found the sentiment quite disturbing.
When I returned to Engineering, Data was there, much to my dismay. I avoided eye contact for the most part. When communicating with him I remained cordial, yet very professional. When no one else was paying attention to us, he took the opportunity to speak to me personally.
"Kadalynn, Geordi mentioned that you went to sickbay. I am curious, did it have anything to do with what occurred last night?" he asked quietly.
I felt a little queasy as I came up with yet another lie.
"No." I answered hastily, "My back was a little sore and I felt a little dizzy, but I'm alright now. Nothing to worry about. Please, can we not talk about what happened right now?"
"Of course. We will have ample time to do so later. Please join me for dinner in my quarters at 19:00 hours."
Before I could decline, Data was called away. I tried to find a time where I could contact him to break the dinner date, but he was unavailable for the entire day. Having no other choice, I met him at his quarters that night.
Upon entering, I noticed the candle lit table with a romantic place setting for two. I took a deep breath as I entered. I promised myself that I would just come out and say it, no beating around the bush; he and I couldn't be together. However, something inside me was conflicted. I cared about his feelings and didn't want to hurt him. I wished there were some magic button I could hit to rewind time.
"Finally," Data replied as he took me into his arms, "I have you all to myself."
"Uh, Data, there's something…" I tried to say, but he silenced me with a passionate kiss.
For a moment, I got lost in it and forgot what the hell it was I was going to say. Then I gently broke free by pushing him away by his shoulders.
"Data, no. I have to tell you something." I replied carefully as I sat on the sofa and gestured for him to join me.
His facial expression grew serious and matched my own.
"What is troubling you, Kadalynn?" He asked as he took my hand.
"This. Us. It's just… well… it's just not going to work. What happened between us last night shouldn't have happened. It's jeopardized our friendship, but I think it can be saved if we just… end this now, before either of us gets hurt. I hope you understand." I said, my hand trembling in his — which tightened suddenly, but not enough to hurt me. His face became angry.
"I understand all too well." he whispered, "You want to pretend… 'it never happened'. You want to take something wonderful and throw it away."
"No, Data, that's not it. I just…"
"Wish it never happened? Kadalynn, whatever you may wish, want or hope, will not change what occurred between us. It happened and nothing we say or do can change that. Yes, our friendship has been altered by the event, but that is not a negative result. Our friendship can grow stronger, that is what happens when people love one another and… I love you Kadalynn. Do not do this to me; do not throw my love away!" Data said in a desperate tone that frightened me. It was a mixture of love, sadness and anger all in one.
'Damn it! Another fine mess I've gotten myself into!' I thought. I was in a very awkward state. How could I possibly distance myself from him without breaking his heart? How could I possibly end this part of our relationship without affecting our friendship or professional relationship? I couldn't. Either way, I was doomed.
"Data, I'm not throwing anything away. I just need some time to process things that's all. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this." I said as tears began to escape my eyes.
"Would you feel differently if Jerome were in my place?" Data hissed.
"What?! Data, that's not fair and you know it! I'm surprised you would even say such a thing!"
"You did not answer the question."
"No! I wouldn't feel differently! Don't you get it? There are issues that I have to work out for myself! I'm sorry, Data! It's my fault for not thinking about the consequences before jumping into bed with you!" I cried angrily.
"You say that as if there was no love involved, but there was — at least there was from me. Do you love me, Kadalynn?"
That was the dreaded question I desperately hoped wouldn't come up and I tried to find some way to dodge the issue.
"Data, it's quite clear that this discussion is going nowhere." I sobbed before getting up and walking swiftly toward the door, but Data headed me off and blocked my exit, "Data, please move."
"I can not allow you to leave until you answer the question. I need to know; do you love me?"
Knowing that the wrong answer would trap me, I thought very carefully before giving my response.
"Yes, Data. I love you, but not in the way you want me to. I'm sorry." I responded, hoping he would believe me as I avoided his burning gaze.
"Kiss me." he requested after a brief pause.
"What? Why? I already told you…"
"I have found that actions are often truer than words. If you speak the truth, your kiss will reflect it. Please… kiss me." he said in a hushed voice.
"Damn it Data, I can't! Please, just let me leave!"
I knew if I kissed him, he would know the truth for sure and we would be thrust into a relationship I wasn't ready for. I was terrified of that. Suddenly, he was distracted when Geordi contacted him via his Com-badge. I seized the opportunity and made a run for it, bumping into Lt. Gomez in the corridor.
"Where's the fire?" she sneered as she straightened her uniform.
"I'm sorry, Helenia. I…" I responded, before hearing Data's door hiss open.
"Kadalynn, we are not done…" Data started before seeing Lt. Gomez. He quickly altered his demeanor, "…reviewing the schematics for our upcoming assignment."
However, Lt. Gomez wasn't stupid. The tension between me and Data nearly crushed her and she looked at me with immense disdain.
"Well, don't let me keep you from your 'schematics', Kadalynn." she hissed at me.
'Oh crap! Now she knows!' I thought with dismay. Nonetheless, I maintained the charade.
"I'm sorry, Commander. Suddenly I'm not feeling very well. I think I'd better go to sickbay." I said.
"You do look a little green around the edges." Lt. Gomez said, "I'll escort you to sickbay since I'm on my way there to start my shift."
She grabbed my arm a little too hard and snatched me away. When we were out of Data's visual range, I snatched my arm away. I wondered why she had helped me, but then I realized that she would have done anything to come between me and Data. Little did she know, she didn't have to try very hard at that point.
"Well, why are you dodging Cmdr. Data?" she asked snidely.
"With all due respect, Helenia, that's none of your business!"
"Ooh, aren't we touchy! Well, it's been becoming sickbay's business lately." she chuckled.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked.
Lt. Gomez said nothing as she continued to smirk bitterly.