Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

The Places to Love

Chapter Seven

With the curtains wide open to the bright summer moon, Sully lay on the couch, Michaela enfolded in his arms. He had been sullen since arriving at home in the late afternoon. Michaela was worried about him, unsure what to say. When he first returned home she'd tried to ask him how the meeting went but he seemed reluctant to talk about it. The second time she asked, he practically yelled at her. While Michaela made dinner for the first time since her miscarriage, he took a nap; waking only to pick at his food.

When he asked her to sit with him after dinner, she thought that he was ready to talk but all he'd done so far was hold and kiss her. Michaela was trying to be patient and understanding but she felt as if he was building a wall to shut her out. The physical contact now felt as if it were only a front, a sham of intimacy. Still she didn't press, though it made her feel sad inside.

"You okay?" Sully asked picking up on her despondency.

"Fine," she whispered, letting her fingers run down his muscular chest. "Worried about you."

"I don't mean to worry ya. I been tryin' to tell ya all afternoon."

Michaela swallowed hard wanting to protest but knowing that Sully always did things in his own way. "I'm ready to listen." The words hung in the air creating a tension that was palpable. "Don't shut me out Sully – not now that we've been through so much." His chest heaved with emotion and for the first time, Michaela realized just how hard this was for him.

"I don't want to shut you out but …" he paused taking a deep breath to clear his throat, "I buried some of this stuff so far down… I didn't even know how angry I was... how angry I still am. I'm scared."

"Scared?" Michaela raised her head to see his eyes. "Scared of what Sully?"

"Scared of this anger in me. Scared that it's gonna come out with you. I didn't mean to yell earlier."

"I shouldn't have pushed," she instantly assured him but Sully was already shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," he whispered blinking his eyes rapidly to stop from crying. "I never want to hurt you."

Michaela reached her hand across laying it over his heart. "Listen to me," she said looking him directly in the eye. "You are hurting me but not because you yelled. You're hurting me because you're holding all this in. Don't you know I'm a part of you now. When you hurt, I hurt." Sully turned his head to the side letting the first tear run down his cheek. Just as quickly, he felt Michaela's lips against his face kissing the place where the tear had fallen. "Tell me," she breathed out.

His grip on her became iron tight for a moment but he loosened it as he closed his eyes. "She said I was stealing her soul. How could a mother say that about a child?"

For a moment, Michaela tried to think about what that meant. She certainly knew about post partum depression having seen it first hand in her work but Sully was older, not a baby anymore when his mother left. Perhaps the struggles of being a single mom… but she had the commune to help her. "I don't know," Michaela whispered, knowing that the recent miscarriage was clouding both their minds, skewing their perspectives. "Grief, depression do strange things to people."

"I know." He swallowed hard. "But when Abby died, I couldn't just stop. I had Hannah to think about. She kept me going." Michaela knew that he was making the comparison in his head, asking the question why he wasn't enough for his mother.

"Sully whatever your mother did, it's on her. None of that reflects on you." He opened his eyes then and Michaela could see the little boy inside, the one still hurt from being abandoned so long ago. "You didn't do anything that made her go away."

"If I'd needed her less…."

"Sully!" His name came out strongly, surprising both of them. "You were a child, she was the adult. You were supposed to need her."

"I know," he whispered the tears streaming now. At that instant Michaela knew. Rising up some, she made herself the dominant of the two pulling him against her, his head on her breast. He needed to grieve – something he'd probably never done openly and now she would let him.

"Let it out," she whispered feeling his body shake against hers. "I'm here." The words were those he'd spoken to her in the midst of her miscarriage and it made him sob harder if that was possible. He had never known love like this, so unselfish and unconditional. Clinging to her, he lost track of time and thought as raw emotion poured out from some hidden place inside. Sully wasn't aware of how much time had passed, only that he still held Michaela's warm frame beside him. Her shirt was damp from his tears but his cheeks were now dry.

"I told her I had to think about giving her another chance to be in my life."

Michaela nodded, glad to know this last bit of information. "I think it would be a good idea if you talked to Snowbird and Cloud Dancing. They were there and can tell you more. Maybe we could ride out to the Ranch tomorrow?"

"I'd like that," he whispered as exhaustion hit him. He thought of moving to the bedroom but felt unable to even swing his feet off the end of the couch. Michaela was breathing softly near his ear, her fingers moving down his cheek. He was drifting off, unable to stop himself.

The morning sun woke him, beaming brightly through the open curtains. Sully blinked awake, squinting against the offending orange light. "Michaela?" he called, once he realized he was alone. "Michaela?" His eyes adjusted slowly to his surroundings as the aroma of fresh brewed coffee filled his nostrils. She had to be nearby. Rising, he went towards the bedroom only now able to hear the shower running. In an instant he divested himself of all his clothes and was standing on the bathmat pulling open the glass door. "Got room for one more?"

Michaela smiled, and reached for his hand pulling him inside. "Good morning," she said happily, glad to see him awake and seemingly happy. Sully leaned in to kiss her, realizing at the last minute that she'd already brushed her teeth.

Abruptly he pulled back. "I still got morning breath," he laughed.

"Get over here," Michaela returned, pulling him back towards her. "I can handle a little morning breath."

"Well when we both got morning breath, it isn't a big deal." They both laughed as Sully opened the door. In a flash, he was back in the shower brushing his teeth as he watched her lather a wash cloth. He felt his body react as she rubbed suds over her taut abdomen and up over her breasts. Michaela too felt the heat rising between them and sighed knowing that making love would still have to wait.

"We like to tempt ourselves, don't we?" she said with a shake of her head.

Sully moved over to the water and rinsed out his mouth, randomly tossing his toothbrush on the shelf of the shower. "I just figure it's like when we were dating before I corrupted you." He raised his eyebrows as he spoke then gave her a little wink. "It's like we're building up anticipation."

"When's the first time you wanted to…" she lowered her eyes for a moment, "make love to me?"

Sully's eyes grew round as he grinned. "Ya ain't gonna like it." Michaela frowned, giving him a strange look. "Okay you tell me when the first time you wanted to."

"I asked you first," she protested reaching for the shampoo. She went about methodically washing her hair, her eyes never leaving Sully as she waited for his response. "I'm waiting."

"Alright," he sighed. "You remember that time when ya had the flu real bad."

"But that was before we were even dating."

"Exactly."

"And I was so sick. How could you possibly have been thinking…" She stopped not wanting to make him feel bad. "I mean I must have looked horrible."

"Ain't what I remember," he confessed. "You were lying in bed with nothing on but some little tank top. I just had never seen that much of your skin and it was so form fitting. I couldn't help how my body reacted."

Michaela laughed. "So I'm sexy even when I'm sick?"

Sully shrugged and smiled as well, waiting until she'd finished rinsing the soap from her hair to pull her close. "Your turn," he reminded her.

She grew slightly flustered now, knowing exactly the point in time she'd felt that way but not wanting to admit it. "I don't remember," she lied.

"You are not getting off the hook that easily."

Michaela let out a long breath. "Alright, but you can't laugh."

"I promise."

"Remember when you broke your leg… and I stayed with you at your house." Sully nodded, wanting to point out that was before they were dating as well but then suddenly he remembered - her fingers against the top of his thigh, massaging the skin to get the circulation going. Just as then, his body now reacted of its own accord. "I hoped you hadn't noticed," he whispered looking at her tenderly.

"It was hard not to. I kept thinking about what that meant… what it would feel like to kiss you, to hold you.. to…" Her voice trailed off and Sully took the opportunity to kiss her hard, immensely turned on by the thought that she was attracted to him even then. Michaela reached behind her and turned the water to cold, stepping out of the way just in time so that the spray hit him hard on the chest.

"Argh," he yelled jumping back as she slipped out the door. "What did ya do that for?"

"Figured you needed a cold shower," she laughed closing the glass door behind her.