Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

The Places to Love

Chapter Fifteen

The afternoon was gray and cloudy as Sully rode out of town toward the new house. Stifling a yawn, he looked at the clock anxious to get home and catch up on some sleep. Michaela had been called in at three in the morning and he found without her there that he couldn't sleep. He was looking forward to one of her back massages as well as snuggling up in bed with her as they drifted off to sleep. Yet he was also excited to get to the new house. The housing inspector was meeting him there for the final walk through which meant that they would be able to move in soon. Everything felt as if it was coming together for them and for that Sully was grateful.

The ring of his cell phone disturbed his thoughts and he turned it over to see the number. He didn't recognize it but answered anyway, thinking it might be Michaela on one of the hospital lines.

"Hello," Sully said as he flipped open the phone.

"Sully?"

The voice was unfamiliar and so he hesitated for a minute before replying. "Yeah?"

"Hey…umm… my name is Max. I'm married to your mother." Sully remained quiet, not having thought about Kat since he'd returned to Colorado a few days ago. "I don't mean to bother you but I just needed you to know, Kat's really struggling."

"She isn't the only one," Sully replied angrily. "This isn't easy on me either."

"I know," he said quietly. "I don't really know why I'm calling. You certainly don't owe her anything. But I love her and it's hard to see her hurting."

That struck a cord with Sully. He, too, would ask the impossible for Michaela. "I'm not trying to hurt her."

"Just protecting yourself?"

"I thought she was dead for most of my life. It wasn't exactly easy to find out she wasn't." It was only in saying it that he realized Cloud Dancing and Snowbird's part in this deception. He felt confused, everything rattling around in his mind. The thought of him clinging to Snowbird while his mother tried to get to him began to haunt him. On one hand, he knew that Kat was on drugs but he could also feel her desperation. For the first time since talking to Cloud Dancing, he felt compassion for Kat and it left him speechless.

Max held on through the silence unsure what Sully was thinking. "She loves you Sully," he finally whispered. "I know that is hard to believe but it's true. All I'm asking is that ya don't turn your back on that so quickly. I know you need time – I'm not trying to rush you or guilt you into anything. Please just think on it."

"I will," he said his voice hoarse with emotion. "I'll think on it."

"Thank you." He could hear the gratitude ringing through in Max's voice as well as the hope. Sully wasn't sure how he felt about it all but Max was right – Kat deserved for him to think on it more, rather than ignoring it as he had been doing recently.

"You're welcome Max."

"I'll let you go then but if you need to talk to someone who understands Kat or at least tries to, than I'm here."

It was now Sully's turn to thank him. As he did they both said their good-byes. Sully closed his cell phone and threw it down on the passenger seat. He felt confused, lost and in need of Michaela. Yet he couldn't simply take off for the hospital. The inspector was expecting him at the new house. Pushing his feelings aside, he drove on trying to focus on the many positive things in his life.

Michaela stood at the edge of the NICU, her eyes focused on the tiny form only feet away. She was awoken in the middle of the night by a phone call; called into the hospital when the obstetrician on staff realized the seriousness of the delivering mother's condition. The baby born two months too early was addicted to methamphetamines just like his mother. Being the sort of doctor that she was, Michaela had often dealt with similar situations and somehow she always felt compassion. Mothers seeing the end effect of their stupidity, crying out, repenting for their behavior. It was sobering, Michaela always thought.

She hadn't seen this mother- had avoided the nursery when she was there. It was her fault her baby was like this, her fault that he might suffer long term side effects. Inside, anger gnawed at Michaela as she continued to think about the baby she'd lost, the one she would have protected at all costs. Taking a deep breath she tried to sort out her emotions but all she could do was ask God why he would let someone so vile carry a child while she'd lost hers. Certainly that wasn't fair.

"Michaela?" Cassie's voice woke her and she turned with a weak smile.

"What are you doing up here?" she tried to joke.

"Checking on you actually." She looked at her friend intently but Michaela just turned away. "My father said you wouldn't talk to the mother this afternoon. I thought perhaps you might need a listening ear."

Michaela nodded slowly but still remained silent, embarrassed suddenly by her feelings. She felt Cassie's hand on her shoulder as the tears began to build in her eyes. "It's not fair," she whispered. "That mother doesn't deserve him." Cassie said nothing, knowing it was best for her to let her feelings out. Michaela turned towards her friend, leaning back against the door frame. "When I was a teenager, I had no interest in church. My mother wanted me to go and in anger one day, I told her that I didn't believe in God." Cassie nodded as she paused, moving back to lean against the wall. "My father took me to work with him that Sunday and God showed me he existed."

Cassie raised her eyebrows at her friend. "How did he do that?"

"There was a mother who was carrying twins. She was seven months along and in hard labor. I remember watching her pray that God would protect her children and I thought that she was silly. Later on that afternoon, my father delivered two perfect little baby girls – they needed oxygen when they were born but other than being small, nothing was really wrong with them. My father took me up to the nursery so that we could see them. I remember he called them God's miracles." She stopped the feel of her father's hand on her shoulder as they stood at the nursery glass suddenly very potent in her mind. "He said that when you are a doctor, you see miracles. There is no way to explain them – they defy science."

"That convinced you?"

"It did … I was still skeptical but I saw more miracles. Tumors that disappeared, cancer that went into remission, babies who talked and walked even when I told their parents they never would…" Her voice trailed off for a moment. "I believe in God but I question him. I don't understand why good mothers can't have children and junkies can."

Cassie smiled. "Sounds to me like you are angry."

"A little," Michaela admitted. "And disappointed in myself that I can't feel compassion for this mother – that I can only feel anger at her."

"Michaela you're human – don't beat yourself up. I've always wondered how you worked up the compassion you did for some of the mothers who've come through here."

Michaela smiled weakly as Cassie stepped forward to hug her friend. "Why don't you go home?" she whispered in her friend's ear. "Your shift ends in twenty minutes anyway and I think you could use some time with Sully."

"I need to finish up some paper work…" she began but Cassie interrupted her.

"As soon as that is done – go home!" Cassie smiled as she spoke sternly and that made Michaela smile as well.

"I will," she replied already turning to head for her office. "Thanks for listening."

"Anytime," Cassie replied with a wave of her hand as she watched Michaela disappear down the corridor.

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