A/N: Final chapter here. It's set to the song "Into the West" by Annie Lennox from the LOTR: ROTK soundtrack. They're rescued now but Sawyer can't help but blame himself for everything that went wrong. Sad but fluffy Skate and Jawyer.
Chapter 6
Sawyer slowly walked across the deck of the ship, fists stuffed inside his pockets. He stared at the ground before him and listened to the crew hustle to get everything settled in for the night. His face was flat and expressionless, not letting anyone know what was really going on inside his head.
Then he raised his eyes to look out ahead of him. There, standing just a few feet away was a woman leaning against the railings of the ship. Her dark, curly hair fluttered in the wind, much like his heart did when he looked at her. She didn't move, not a muscle.
Kate.
Sawyer sighed deeply. He just stared at her for a moment. He didn't take a step closer, he didn't shift his feet. He just stood there and watched her. Just then all his guilt came back to haunt him. He couldn't look at her the same way anymore. Because it was all his fault.
Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Not being able to take this any longer, he strode over to her.
"Hey," he said in a soft voice, one that he wasn't used to using.
Kate turned slightly to acknowledge him. "Hey,"
Coming up behind her, Sawyer placed his hands on her arms and gently began to rub them. Then, moving them lower, wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. She rested her head on his chest and Sawyer felt her body relax into his. And so he held her, not wanting to let go. Not now or ever.
Sleep now
Dream- of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore
He sensed her eyes closing, as if all that time that he spent with her had strengthened his mind to pick up these small, trivial things. She breathed in deeply, almost sadly as her hands went over his. Sawyer looked down at them and marveled at how small were. So delicate, like her, and yet so strong. Those were the hands that had carried her through all these years. They were tired and worn down by many long, hard abuses not only on the island but throughout her whole life and all Sawyer wanted to do was not allow those same incidents to happen again. But he knew it was impossible despite his promise to himself. And a death showed him why.
Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Just then, Kate's body began to shake slightly. Worried, Sawyer gently turned her around to face him. He looked at her and saw glistening tears streaking down her cheeks. Seeing Kate like this tore his heart in two. He could take it, he couldn't see her suffer. She had been through so much already. Why did this have to happen to her?
Raising a hand, Sawyer tenderly wiped away the tears that were cascading down with his thumb. He tried to give her an encouraging smile but it just wouldn't come. Kate looked away from his face, sniffling. Sawyer sighed and lowered his eyes too. He swallowed what little confidence he had left and brought his hand again to her face, this time cupping it under her chin. He raised her face to look at his.
Her soft, dark eyes bore into his hard, blue ones. They were slightly red and puffy from crying but they had just one message for him: Why did he have to die? Sawyer's gaze faltered a bit as she looked at him. But he had to be strong. After all, he had promised him that he would look after Kate. He returned his piercing gaze to hers and tried to give his most honest answer.
I don't know.
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping
Kate stared at him for a few seconds longer then stepped forward and buried her head into his shoulder, draping her arms around his neck as she did so. Sawyer held her tightly, feeling her body shake as she cried. And the guilt surged through his body even harder. He didn't want to remember. Not any of it. But it was going to stay with him for the rest of his life, never ceasing its torment. Not now or ever.
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Twelve hours ago Sawyer had stepped out of his tent and into the bright morning light. He hung his head and ran a hand through his hair, letting out a mournful sigh. His eyes drooped with fatigue and his back was sore. Setting himself down on the sand, Sawyer drew his legs up to his chest, draping his arms around them. He looked at the survivors around him.
Their walk was slow and solemn and their heads seemed to almost be bent down. They didn't talk much, just occasionally nodded at one another or exchanged a few words. But that was all. Not much more life escaped them. Not on this particular morning at least.
Sawyer bit his lip. They ain't talking 'cause it's all my fault. Every single bit of it. No matter what he said. Slowly, painfully, the memory floated back to him.
"Sawyer..." Jack's voice was barely audible.
Sawyer briefly glanced at the doctor. "Jack, I'm, tryin' to do something here." he said in a frantic voice as he attempted to rip open gauze packages.
But Jack spoke again. "No..."
"What do you mean, 'No,'?" Sawyer was incredulous.
The doctor struggled to breathe. "It...it's not worth...it..."
"Yes, it is!"
"Sawyer, I-"
But Sawyer wasn't going to hear any of it. "I'm gonna save you, Jack! I promised-"
"Damn it, Sawyer!" Jack suddenly yelled with surprising strength. "I'm trying to tell you something!"
At that, Sawyer immediately grew quiet. He stared at Jack's head and his head alone, keeping his eyes averted from the gruesome sight below it. From the chest down was a mass of blood and shreds of clothing. Horrendous gashes covered Jack's body and they weren't getting any better. Sawyer tried not to notice the blood pumping out with every heartbeat. He bit his lip.
Jack gasped for air. "I'm...not gonna make it, Sawyer. You know that..." His voice faded a little.
Sawyer shook his head violently, denying it. "No. I'm gonna save you, Jack! I promised her!"
"Sawyer, please." Jack said even more softer than before. The doctor locked eyes with Sawyer, almost pleadingly.
Shifting his gaze away from Jack, Sawyer debated inside his head. He had promised Kate that he would save him. He promised. But deep down, a little voice was telling him that he wasn't going to make it. No matter what Sawyer did. He had always wondered what would happen if the savior was the one who needed to be saved for a change. But now that was the last thing he wanted. He wasn't the hero. And he wasn't going to be. Not now or ever.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, hanging his head.
Jack made an attempt to smile but the effort cost him his strength. "Don't worry." He winced suddenly and let out a groan. He moved his mouth open as if he was going to say something but no words came out. Sawyer stepped closer to hear what Jack was trying to say.
"If we ever...get off this place," he began weakly. "bring...my body back to my...mom."
This request startled Sawyer who just stared at Jack, speechless.
"Please."
Shaking himself out of his trance, Sawyer immediately agreed. "Yeah. Sure."
"I want you to promise me s-something." Jack's voice was barely louder than a whisper now causing Sawyer to strain his ears. "Promise m-me that you'll keep Kate safe."
Sawyer looked directly into Jack's eyes. "I promise." And he was dead serious.
The corners of Jack's mouth twitched as he tried to smile. His breathing became shallow and labored. "It's been nice knowing you, Sawyer." He nodded slightly at him.
"Same here, Jack."
"Guess I'll see you on the other side, then."
Sawyer clenched his jaws. "Guess so." he said quietly.
With that, Jack's dark eyes slowly fluttered close and his body relaxed into the makeshift operating table. His operating table. His breathing slowed, quietly, gently. And then he died. On the same table he had used to save lives.
What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
It was all his fault. If only he'd been the one to save Kate from that cage of branches and not Jack. Then Jack wouldn't have fallen down a 40 feet cliff. Then he wouldn't have had to drag his seemingly lifeless body back to the beach. Then he wouldn't have had to die.
As the torturous memory came to an end, Sawyer found himself staring off into the ocean. Silently, he cursed his inability to save Jack. He cursed those Others for taking Kate into the jungle. He cursed every moment he spent thinking about what happened last night, each thought as painful as the last. But the one thing that just tore him apart was the haunting fact that it should've been him. He was the one who swore to himself to protect Kate at any cost, not Jack. He should've been the one to go after her alone while the rest were fighting the Others. Then he would have been the one to fall. Then Jack would still be alive. And he wouldn't have any guilt to torture his mind. Not now or ever.
As Sawyer stared off into the ocean, he became aware of a figure in the distance. He squinted his eyes to get a better view of what it was. At first, he didn't believe what he was seeing. There, floating about 3 miles away from shore was a ship. It was huge, like those research vessels that carried scientists around. And it was right in front of his face. Sawyer rubbed his eyes to make sure they were working correctly. After all, he had been up almost all last night and didn't trust his blurry vision right now. The ship was still there.
I must be dreaming, he thought, shaking his head. Damn, this island and lack off sleep really does stuff to you.
Just then Hurley walked up to him. "Hey, man." Hurley said a bit hesitantly. He shifted his feet in the sand. "Listen, uh...I know you're not really the talking type right now but I was wondering-"
"Is there somethin' you want, StayPuft?" Sawyer asked a little more sharply than he intended to. Practically the whole island knew about what had happened in the jungle and with Jack the other day. They also knew that Sawyer blamed no one but himself for what happened to the doctor. Last night, after Jack died, Sawyer had stepped out of the tent, sweating and covered in blood. He refused to speak to anyone, except Kate, to whom only then he had said just a few words to.
Hurley looked out at the ocean. "Do you see that thing out there in the middle of the water?" He pointed at the ship Sawyer had been staring at.
Sawyer raised an eyebrow at Hurley. "What thing?" He didn't want anyone to think that he was seeing things when they weren't really there. That was the last thing he needed.
"Dude, it's only the big-ass ship that's sitting in the middle of the freakin' ocean." said Hurley exasperatedly.
"You see it too?" Sawyer felt his heart skip a beat.
"Uh, yeah."
There was a silence between them. Then Hurley spoke.
"Does this mean what I think it means?"
"If it means we're getting rescued," replied Sawyer under his breath. "then I do believe in miracles."
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home
The survivors ran to the water's edge, yelling joyfully to the people coming to them in a raft. They all whooped and clapped and cheered, relieved that they were finally going home. Sawyer lifted himself up from his spot in the sand and mournfully dragged his feet to the celebration. So he wasn't dreaming. This was all real. His eyes grazed over the people until they came to rest on one person.
Kate.
There she was, smiling and laughing with the others. But Sawyer saw the pain behind that smile. Pain that he couldn't bear to see her have. Pain that was all because of him. Just then her gaze found his and they locked eyes. He could almost feel her sorrow just by looking at her. Her smile faltered a bit but was quickly whisked back on by Claire hugging her forcefully.
Sawyer sighed. She will always hold that sadness deep within her and he will always blame himself. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, no matter what he promised he could never take away Kate's grief. He could never look at her the same way again. Not now or ever.
And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass
He marched down to the water. All around him, people stopped what they were doing and stared. The same emotion slid across their faces; sadness, gratitude, and speechlessness. And Sawyer stared back, his eyebrows knitted together, his mouth a thin line across his face. He walked past Charlie. The junkie shifted uncomfortably and glanced at what Sawyer was holding up.
Jack's body was laid on a makeshift stretcher, a heavy tarp covering almost all of it save for his head. His eyes were closed lightly, almost like he was asleep. But he was way past sleeping. They all knew that.
Sawyer kept on going. In front of him, holding up the other end, was Sayid. His head was bent down and he walked like a prisoner being sent to the guillotine. No one said a word, not the survivors or the scientists who had came on the rescue boats and Sawyer knew they were all paying their respects even if they didn't know him.
Jack had kept them alive. Maybe some of them had reluctantly followed, like Sawyer, but he pulled them through. He saved the ones who needed saving. He helped the ones who needed to be helped. He sat with the ones who needed the company. And they were all grateful, no matter what they thought of him.
Slowly, gently, Sawyer and Sayid set the stretcher on one of the waiting boats. One of the men who had gotten off shook Sawyer's hand and offered his deepest condolences. Sawyer merely nodded his response. The last thing he wanted to hear right then was the sympathies of other people being presented to him. Save it for the minister, he wanted to snap but he kept his mouth shut. He just wanted to get out of here. Away as he possibly could from this island of nightmares. And he never wanted to look back. Not now or ever.
Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Darkness was closing in around them. Outside the window, only a sliver of the sun remained visible over the horizon, casting a slight orange glow in the cabin. Nothing moved. Just the small rise and fall of their chests as they breathed.
Sawyer lay on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Next to him was Kate with her hand on his chest and her head resting on his shoulder. He knitted his brows together. For what seemed like hours, they had done nothing but lay there, not saying a word to one another. Sawyer desperately wanted her to say something, anything. He just couldn't stand the silence anymore.
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
Just as he was thinking this, Kate drew a breath as if she were about to say something.
"Sawyer..." Her voice was soft and mournful.
"Yeah?"
"When we get back...to the mainland..." She couldn't seem to get the words out of her mouth. Just talking looked like it cost her everything.
"What is it?" he asked gruffly. He didn't mean to sound harsh but whatever was in Kate's mind needed to come out.
Kate swallowed. "What do you think is gonna happen?"
Those words hit Sawyer like a brick wall. What the hell does she mean? So he decided to play with her a bit. "Well, we get back to civilization, have the media bite off our asses for a telling of the real Survivor, then have our chance at revenge and all sue Oceanic together. How's that sound?"
"Sawyer, you know exactly what I'm talking about." Kate said in a hard voice. "What's going to happen to me?"
Sawyer's eyes immediately narrowed. "If you're thinking about the Feds you can forget it. There's no way I'm letting those stuck up bastards take you."
"But—"
"No 'buts'." Sawyer cut in, not even letting Kate finish. "Nothing's gonna happen to you." Gently, he pulled her closer to him. His thoughts went back to just about 24 hours ago as he stood by Jack's side, remembering the man's final words to him. Now, he echoed his vow, reminding himself of the true weight of his words. "I promise."
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping
Absentmindedly, he began stroking her arm, trying to put her at ease. He could feel her tense, fragile body next to his and could only imagine the thoughts running through her mind at the moment. She had been through so much already. She didn't need this. She didn't deserve this. Jack had been the only brotherly figure she had in her life and he'd only been brought to her by a chance of fate. But fate had a cruel way of turning on her. And Sawyer hated that.
As Sawyer sank deeper into his thoughts, he slightly noticed Kate's body go slack next to him. He let out a mournful sigh. She was sleeping now, leaving whatever it was she was dealing with inside her conscious head to linger among her dreams, something that was often more devastating than thoughts. With Kate now safely asleep, Sawyer debated on whether or not to leave her in the cabin for a moment. He had one last thing he needed to do before Jack's body was prepared for burial back on shore, wherever that "shore" may be, where he would no longer be given privacy about what had happened. After a while of silence, Sawyer made up his mind. Stealing a glance at Kate to make sure she was still sleeping, he carefully worked his arm out from under her and got off the bed. Then, he turned the brass knob of the door and silently let himself out.
What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home
When they had finally loaded Jack's body into one of the waiting boats, the short ride to the ship started. Since only 5 people at a time could ride in one boat, Sawyer opted to go with the one carrying Jack with Sayid and 2 of the scientists to drive. He sat at the bow, looking across the clear blue water at the enormous ship that awaited them. They were finally going home. After being through what seemed like hell on earth on that godforsaken island, they could finally put it behind them. But for Sawyer, forgetting about what happened would be one of the last things he could do.
With his brows furrowed, he cursed his fate for making this happen to him. For making him blame himself. For letting Kate down. For letting the survivors down. For having the memory forever etched into his mind to replay over and over and over again no matter what he did. They would never stop haunting him. Not now or ever.
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West
Sawyer shivered in the 35 degree temperature of one of the huge refrigerators on the ship. It was as big as a garage and had been cleared out of its usual inhabitants to make room for the only thing that was laying on a cold metal table in the middle. Despite the goose bumps that were rapidly forming on his skin, Sawyer didn't move from his spot. Instead, he stared determinedly at what lay on the table before him.
Jack's face peeked out from the top of the blanket that had replaced the tarp that had been laid over his body. He was so pale now, paler than when Sawyer had brought his body down to the boats to be taken to the ship just a few hours ago. But he still looked as if he were asleep, his eyes lightly closed, his face placid and creaseless.
Sawyer looked at Jack now and for a second wished that he could experience that same peace within himself but knew it would never come. Right now the only peace that he had was in the space of the fridge with the generators softly humming from behind the walls and the body of the man he had tried to save still and cold in front of him. He had come here to spend the last few moments of privacy he would have to settle what turmoil he could in his mind before the media came and stuck their noses into every little thing that had happened on the island. He was different now, everyone knew that. But there was something in him that just didn't feel right that no one could detect, something that wanted to escape from him but hadn't been given the chance to do so. It pained him terribly to stand there next to Jack, the guilt he had harbored seemingly choking him slowly, but he did so anyway, forcing himself to look at the man.
He stood there for what seemed like ages, the tension building up inside him. Then, without even realizing it, Sawyer did something he hadn't done in a long time.
He cried.
He didn't sob or have cascades of tears flow down his cheeks. Instead, he cried silently, the tears rolling down one drop at a time. Never in his time that he had come to know Jack, did he ever think that he'd ever cry in front of the him and yet here he was, tears streaking down his face. But he didn't cry out of his sadness. He cried for Kate and her losing the closest person she had to a brother. He cried for the survivors for losing the man they had come to look up to and trust as their leader. He cried for himself and his inability to save the only person he ever had to really save in his life. And as he cried, he felt the tension in his chest that had been trapped inside him ever since the incident, slowly ebb away. He didn't have to hold it in anymore.
As his tears started to dry, he looked at Jack again with clear eyes. He thought of his promise to him and in his head reiterated it to himself. I ain't the hero, Jack, he thought. You know that. Savin' people isn't my stuff. I know what I promised you and I won't forget it but I can't live up to it word for word and you showed me why. I know I can't protect Kate from everything in this world but I swear on my life I'll damned well try to do it. And I ain't givin' it anything less than my best.
With that final promise, Sawyer turned his back and started walking to the exit. But when he reached the door, he stopped, his hand resting on the handle. Slowly, he turned his head and looked over his shoulder. His gaze fell on Jack again, laying on the cold metal table, a solemn reminder of his failure and promise, and he knew it'd be the last time he'd see him. He couldn't bear to look at the man one more time after that.
See ya, Jack.
And he opened the door, the door leading home and to what his new life had in store for him, and quietly let himself out.
A/N: Hope I didn't make it too depressing. ;) Anyway, please review and tell me what you think!