Title: Candy from a Baby
Author: Txenriks
Summary: In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!
Rating: T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Sadly. We can only hope that Nomura-san will realize the error of his ways and bring Axel back to GLORIOUS LIFE.
Sorry about how the last chapter was mostly background info and stuff. There will be much happening later, I promise! I've got like, eleven chapters thought out. Beyond that, I'm fairly clueless, so... Suggestions for baby-related humor are appreciated greatly! Heehee!
(If you get all the references about Axel's "crazy old aunt" then I will LOVE you FOREVER XD)
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Chapter 2
Axel, as always, remained completely unfazed. He darted to the door and stuck his head out past Roxas's shoulder, cereal spoon still dangling from his mouth. "A baby! Sweet!" He crowed in delight, snatching the child from its basket and cradling it to his chest. "We can be it's gay daddies! Hmm. Lesse, you can be called Little Axel. Or Axel Junior. Or Axel the Second. Or..."
"What if it's a girl?" Roxas interrupted dryly.
"Heh." Axel smirked mischeiviously at him. "Well, if its a girl, then we can call her Roxas." Roxas was about to smack his lover in the back of his head, except he saw something that Axel had missed, stuck to the front of the basket. So, he left Axel to take care of the baby (maybe that wasn't such a good idea) and picked it up. It was a letter, handwritten in script that was neat but shaky. Like the author had been worried at the time, or something.
"Dear Sir and/or Madam," the letter read. "I apologize for putting you through this trouble, but I am very desperate. I cannot go into details here, but I and my son are in great danger. I would sleep easier at night knowing that my son, at least, is safe. Please, take care of my baby until I can return. I give you my deepest gratitude, kind stranger."
Sheesh. Way to kill the mood, not that having to take care of someone's baby had actually put Roxas in a state of joy. Well... whoever this person was, they were lucky that Roxas still had two more weeks of vacation before school started. If this had happened during school, they wouldn't have been able to take care of it. Roxas brought the basket and the letter inside, and sat next to Axel, who was on the couch having a tickle fight with the baby. Roxas gave the letter to Axel.
After reading it, the redhead let out a low whistle. "Mommies and babies in danger, huh? That kind of makes us... baby heroes! Cool..."
"This is serious, Axel."
"But he's like a member of the family already! Look- he's got my eyes, and well, almost your hair..." Axel was right, in a way. The baby's eyes were actually a lot bluer and darker than Axel's own vibrant green, and the fuzz lining his scalp was a sort of platinum blond, though it had a whole lot more platinum than blond in it. But there was a sort of resemblance to Axel in the slim shape of the baby's big eyes, Roxas realized.
"In all seriousness, he does need a name..." Axel continued. "What about Doombringer Chaosman? Or The Infant Formerly Known as Baby? Or Master Chief? Or Papaya Grumblesburger the Eighth? OR..." Axel paused, smiling hopefully at Roxas, "...If you don't like any of those, we could always name him Aiden."
"Something tells me that you just really wanted to call him Aiden." As if in agreement to Roxas, the baby let out a sort of disapproving gurgly noise.
"It means 'Little Fire' in Gaelic..." Axel admitted sheepishly. "So, yeah. I kinda did."
"Fine. Aiden it is." Now, the baby's gurgly noise managed to sound excited and happy. But wait, babies weren't supposed to know what they were gurgling about. Roxas clapped a hand to his forehead- was he going insane from too many baby aromas?
"What I don't understand," Axel said as he tried to keep his grip on the squirming Aiden. "..is why anyone would give us, out of all people, their baby."
"Well, you do own the nicest house in the neighborhood. Probably, they thought we were some well-to-do old couple with big fat retirement checks and nothing better to do." Roxas frowned thoughtfully. "Hey... speaking of which, you never told me how you got this place."
Axel grinned his special madman's grin. "I inherited it when my crazy old aunt died. She was reeeally into real estate- and when I say 'reeeally', I do mean OBSESSED. I think she actually died while trying to steal someone's mansion... You know, that mansion off of Naught's Highway?"
"The one that's owned by the CEO of the Zem-Nis Makeup Corporation?" Roxas asked incredulously, blue eye wide. Axel nodded in recognition.
"Yeah, the very same. She was a nimble old coot... made it past security and everything, but her heart gave out somewhere near the top floor. She was insane, anyway... I mean, how on earth do you steal someone's house?"
Roxas shrugged, not knowing what to say. Axel always seemed to have the coolest relatives. His own family was... less than impressive. But he didn't have time to dwell on the inadequacies of his family relationships. Aiden was squirming with a lot more energy than before, and making a complaining sort of whiney noise.
"I think Aiden's hungry." Axel said automatically. "I should make an early brunch!"
"Babies his age only drink milk, Axel." Roxas interrupted quickly. He actually wasn't sure if the baby could eat soft foods yet or not, but the last thing he wanted was for Axel to try and feed him a hunk of wasabi, claiming that 'Wasabi is a soft food!'.
"Well, what d'you expect me to do about that- start lactating!" Roxas twitched his nose, trying and failing to ignore the image of Axel with boobs. "...You can buy formula at the store, right? And we need all sorts of other baby stuff, like daipers and toys and-and... baby thermometers." The redhead drew in a deep breath, clearly attempting to resist the temptation to be perverted with that last one. "Um...so can you go buy them?"
"Why not you?"
"Because the baby isn't used to you yet! He likes me better."
"What!" Oh great. He'd tried not to get too attached to the kid, but already he was jealous. "He doesn't like you better than me... Here, give him to me and I'll prove it!"
Axel gave Roxas Aiden, who immediately started to cry.
Axel took the bawling baby back, grinning. "See? Usually babies like their mommies better, but apparently not in this case."
"I'm not a mommy."
"Don't worry, once he figures out that you're the one with the milk, he'll get over it, mommy."
"I'm not a mommy!"
"...Mommy must be jealous that you like me best, Aiden."
"Axel, for the LAST TIME- I'm NOT a MOMMY!"
"Ooo, someone's crabby. It must be mommy's time of the month, now isn't it?" Axel cooed. The baby giggled. Roxas made a noise the exact opposite of a giggle.
"You suck."
"Only for you, Roxy, only for you." Axel grinned and handed the shorter boy the keys to their car. "Don't forget the diaper rash ointment, now!"
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...End 0;;
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