Title: Candy from a Baby
Author: Txenriks
Summary: In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!
Rating: T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts... Woe is me. I also don't own Gerbers, but who gives a brown bahookey about /that!
This chapter is... goofy. And random. Most of the following chapters follow some coherent plot, as you can prolly guess by the cliffhanger, but this is just pure... over the top baby humor. Plus there has to be some nonimportant-to-the-plot bonding time, right? ;; Don't kiiiiillll meeee... hides behind her keyboard
Oh my gawd its so RANDOM...! The next chapters will actually make sense, I swear... XP
----
Chapter 3
Roxas managed to deposit his armful of baby supply-filled bags on the counter before collapsing into a puddle of humiliation at Axel's feet.
"That... was awful. Worse than the time I had to buy pads for my mother." The Roxas-puddle moaned from somewhere near Axel's bare foot.
"...You had to buy pads for your mom? Poor thing..." Axel knelt down and somehow managed to pull Roxas into a hug with only one free hand (the other being occupied with an armful of Aiden). Roxas was glad, for the linoleum had been starting to become very uncomfortable. Okay, so it wasn't that uncomfortable. But when it came down to it, he'd take being on top of Axel over being on top of linoleum anyday.
"Yeah. But the people kept on treating me like I had raped some girl and was getting her this stuff because I felt bad or something... Or maybe they just thought I was a creepy guy with a baby molesting fetish... I dunno... But they left me alone when I shouted at the top of my lungs, 'Its for my aunt's BABY SHOWER, you freaks!'... Thankfully. Otherwise they might have started mobbing me with their handbags." He nodded knowingly, and Axel unconsciously imitated the action. Yes, angry old ladies with handbags were very, very, frightening things to behold.
"Well," Axel began, trying to move off the subject of rioting old women, "Look at the bright side. You don't need to worry about buying me pads or baby stuff! Until we run out of whatever you bought, of course. Or if I get a sex change, unlikely as that is."
"How lovely. Don't." Using Axel's noggin as leverage, Roxas pulled himself up off the floor then began to rifle through the bags until he found the package of formula. He opened it with a grunt, peeked inside curiously, and found... well what do you know? The package contained no formula of any kind. And to make matters worse, the single occupant of the box was nothing like formula at all.
Roxas pulled the thing out. It was an envelope, so bright and obnoxiously colored that he considered letting Axel burn it. He held a certain grudge against anything that resembled a clown, especially when the offending clownesque objects had cheated him out of Aiden's food.
The hideous envelope's firey demise would have to wait, though. Right now, Aiden was making shrill "feed meh!" noises that bored into their skulls. Good thing that Roxas had bought some small cans of mushy baby food, just in case. And a little portable collapsible high chair thing. That was Roxas, trying to always be prepared... he was like a fricken boy scout.
...They really should have known it was doomed from the beginning. It was just too easy. Aiden stayed perfectly still in Axel's arms as Roxas set up the high chair, and remained so even after they placed him in it. Roxas grabbed a spoon, popped the top off the little can of Gerbers whatever-flavored mush, and took a deep breath.
"Here goes nothing..."
----
Baby food got on the ceiling, the floor, in Axel's hair, down Roxas's pants... anywhere and everywhere except Aiden's mouth.
"Now, Aiden," Axel cooed, looking a little frightened by the baby's mad food-throwing skillz. "...Be a good little boy and-" He stopped talking, having gotten a large glob of creamed corn smack in the face, courtesy of Aiden. Roxas ducked behind the taller redhead.
"Don't let him smell your fear!" He cried, peeking over Axel's shoulder. Meanwhile, Axel was practically steaming, wiping little kernel bits out of his eyes.
"That's it! Come here, you little..." Arming himself with a spoonful of gunk, Axel gave a battle cry and leaped into the (baby!) fray. There was an epic (baby!) battle, the likes of which are far too intense and gruesome to tell on this page. Aiden giggled, as Axel ended up flat on his back, the spoonful of baby food stuck into his own mouth. "Mmm. Carrots"
Roxas helped him up, mostly out of concern but partially because he wanted his human shield back.
"Thanks, Roxy, I- No, Aiden! Put the applesauce down!"
Apparently, Aiden's grasp on the English language was minimal, because he most certainly did not put the applesauce down. Or rather, he did put it down... just, very forcefully and in Axel's general direction. Who would have known such strength lay hidden in all those chubby rolls of baby fat?
Anyway, there was the applesauce, flying through the air like a mushy, preservative-filled missile. In a sudden bout of courage, Roxas flung himself in the path of the oncoming glob. You could almost see the cheesy, slow-mo effect as it splattered all over his neck. Roxas's lunge had been a little overenthusiastic, and he would have fallen flat on his face if Axel hadn't caught him. Thankfully, Axel did catch him, which just racked up the cheese-tastic cliche points like no tommorow.
The redhead looked down at Roxas, trying his best not to break down laughing. "Um... Roxas, it's okay. I could have handled a little applesauce. You didn't need to do that..."
"But it was fun." Roxas replied with a smirk. He looked up at Axel through his eyelashes, licking some of the applesauce off his fingers. He didn't notice when Axel's brow furrowed thoughtfully, or that the arms holding him twitched in timing with his every lick. Axel's eyes narrowed as the dirty thoughts that had been brewing in his head finally came to fruition.
Roxas paused mid-lick. He knew that look. He knew it very, very, intimately well. It was the "I'm-about-to-do-something-that-they-can- only-get-away-with-on-the-Discovery-Channel" look. Hoo boy!
"Here, Rox... Lemme help you with that..." Axel offered, grinning ever-so-innocently.
"A-Axel!"
"What? You're so messy, and I'm just helping to clean you."
"With your tounge? C'mon, what sort of example are we setting for Aiden?"
"A good one. Make love, not war. We did the war, so now it's lovin' time." The words were a little muffled, seeing as how a good portion of Roxas's neck was in the way. "Besides, it's not like he's never seen his own parents kiss before."
"Kissing, is that what you call it? I thought you were training to become a vampire." Axel hastily unlatched his teeth from Roxas's ear at this, smiling sheepishly.
"But you can't possibly lick all this applesauce off aloooone, Roxas!"
"I could have used a washcloth." Roxas's protests were merely speculative now, seeing as how Axel had already gotten most of the applesauce off of him.
"You what? You're cheating on me with a washcloth? Tut, tut, Roxas." But Axel did stop, pulling away with a very reluctant sigh. Roxas snorted- what did Axel think he was complaining for? He'd just licked Roxas's neck about sixty times, you'd think he'd be ecstatic...
Meanwhile, Aiden had busied himself by eating all the food that had remained in his bowl.
"Oh!" Roxas exclaimed, eyes wide. "He must've really wanted to feed himself..." He looked around to see the damage. Well... they could clean the floor and countertops... And they could always say that the food adorning the walls was a lovely abstract mural. And he had just learned that Axel's tounge was fully capable of handling things in the 'cleaning ourselves' department. All in all, not half bad for one baby-feeding. He would have almost been proud of himself, except that the entire ordeal could have been avoided if they'd just thought to see if the baby was old enough to hold a spoon. Yeah, that part of it reeked.
"What's that smell?" Axel asked curiously.
"Defeat. Or possibly the new interior decorating."
"No, I mean that smell. The one that's enough to gag a maggot!"
Roxas was startled out of his thoughts by Axel's...unique...choice of words. "Gag... a maggot."
"Well, 'smells bad' wouldn't be nearly as memorable, don't you think?" Axel replied, pinching his nose between two fingers. Roxas nodded, then sniffed experimentally, wondering how bad a smell would have to be to gag a maggot.
As it turns out, pretty bad.
"I think Aiden probably needs his diaper changed." Roxas said with a groan.
"Okay, well... you do that, and I'll just go to... place and get the... thing." He tried to sneak off upstairs, but was held back by a Roxas-shaped anchor that had somehow latched onto his arm.
"I already went shopping. You're changing the diaper, Axel." Roxas tried to sound forceful, but it was a little difficult to be manly when you're talking about diapers and the changing thereof.
"Yeah, sure. When pigs fly!"
Somewhere in the verdant green hills of Ding Dong, Texas, a group of cowboys heard a very strange noise that rudely interrupted their midnight calf-roping party. It sounded like a mix between Wile E. Coyote falling from a cliff, and a very distressed potbellied pig. And whatever it was, it was heading for their camp at a high speed.
The noise was cut off by a loud, wet, thud. And the cowboys decided to investigate like the bright young individuals they are. What they actually found (after several minutes of getting their boots caught in various cacti) was the remains of a large sow. To be more precise, they found the remains of something that had once been a large sow, but now looked a whole lot more like a pancake. After much thinking, they still couldn't figure out what would cause a pig to splatter itself across the countryside, so they sat down and had themselves a pork dinner.
To make a long story get to the point already, Axel ended up changing the diaper. (The fact that someone living a few miles west of the cowboys' camp had just invented the Pigapult has no place in this equation. Yep, just pure coincidence. Really!)
However, the deed was done with a great deal of "eeeww"-ing and "uuugh"-ing and much throwing away of latex gloves. Which annoyed Roxas to the point that he almost wished he had just done it himself. It wasn't so much the complaining that annoyed him, it was more so that Axel was wasting perfectly good latex that could have been put to much... better use. But we'll just keep that our little secret, because Axel's supposed to be the perverted one.
Aiden promptly fell asleep after the ordeal, and both Roxas and Axel were looking like they'd enjoy following suit.
Exhausted, Roxas leaned against the kitchen counter. He was surprised to feel his hand brush against something soft, and looked down at the whatever-it-was. Oh, right. The annoying envelope that had cost him eleven-something munny. He'd forgotten about it in all of today's utter chaos. He was pretty sure that Axel was too tired to burn anything just yet... And anyway, Roxas's curiosity overcame his dislike of all things clown.
So he tore it open and read what the contents said, unconsciously running his free hand through his soft blonde spikes.
----
Huh! this ones really long, isn't it? Sorry. XD
If anyone happens to live in Ding Dong, I apologize. I just chose it cuz it has a funny name. And yes, its a real place. XP
Oh, and if you happen to wonder how the cowboys knew the velocity of the mysterious noise-making thing, its because one of the cowboys was well-versed in the physics equations for the Doppler effect, doi! The equation being:
Heard Frequency Actual Frequency ( VelocityE/(VelocityR + vd))
heh. Silly, all cowboys know the Doppler effect by heart! Didncha know that?
Quoth my friend Monica: "Apparently Axel likes the taste of baby food, and some of it went down Roxas's pants, sooo he should..." I'll just leave it at that, mm?
----