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Title: Candy from a Baby
Author: Txenriks
Summary: In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!
Rating: T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!
Disclaimer: I don't own Roxas or Axel or Kingdom Hearts in general... Because if I did, they'd wear fishnets. Lots and lots of fishnets. Especially fishnet vests…yes.
I apologize for the wait on this chapter. I've been very busy with my DA account. Nothing much else to say, except I LUFF YOU ALL! Keep commenting and such! showers with cookie dough
So, anyway…
In the previous chapter- dun dun duuun! – Roxas has some letter-related suspense going on! Ooh! What's in the letter? Find out in the next few paragraphs! Ah! collapses
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Chapter 4
The typical letter tries to draw its reader in with some sort of introduction. Whether its "Dear Roxas," or "To whom it may concern," or even "To the owner of the bright blue minivan, your vehicle is being towed," these brief interludes at the beginnings of letters serve to calm the reader, and assure them that, no matter how effed up your life is right now, somebody out there was sane enough and kind enough to take the time to write a nice little note at the beginning of their message to you. After all, it's the little things that seem to make all the difference in the world. By writing a tiny little greeting, you can make someone's day that much easier.
Unfortunately, this letter was no typical letter, and it had absolutely no interest whatsoever in making Roxas's day easier. For, instead of a greeting or opening, the letter skipped straight to one very large word in shocking neon green font that took up roughly three fourths of the page. Points given for brevity and enthusiasm, Mr. Letter, but demerits for nearly making Roxas's corneas bleed.
"CONGRATULATIONS!" The letter practically screamed at him. Roxas would have winced, except…well...that would be wincing at a letter, which seemed a rather dumb thing to do. "YOU ARE THE LUCKY WINNER OF OUR SPECIAL OFFER, LIMITED TIME ONLY, FIND-THE-FORMULA-BOX-WITHOUT-ANY-FORMULA-IN-IT GIVEAWAY! Your grand prize is two front-row tickets to the Oblivion concert on August thirteenth. (tickets included in this envelope)." The letter went on to describe about all the legal terms and about how they were now being put on a mailing list to every junk-mail manufacturer in the eastern seaboard, but Roxas really could care less. His mind spasmed in delight as five little words sang a chorus in his ear.
Front row tickets…Oblivion concert…!
And to think, he'd nearly had Axel burn the letter…Take THAT, dramatic irony! Haha!
He'd known vaguely that Oblivion had been coming to town for a few months now, but he'd just sort of shrugged it off as one of those when-hell-freezes-over type things. I mean, the tickets had literally been sold out seconds after the lead singer had looked over at his bandmates and said, "Hey… I think it might be cool to go on a tour, y'know?" And his drummer replied, "Tour yes."
Roxas wasn't a rabid fanboy or anything, oh no. He liked the band a lot and knew all their songs, but so did every other teen in the universe. He could have just bought the CD and gone on with life, he really could have. But, come on! Tickets! To the possibly coolest quasi-Goth rock band EVER's concert! There was no way anyone under fifty would pass that up.
His body decided to take things into its own hands, and his brain was left sitting at home eating ice cream and wondering why it hadn't been invited to the party. He gave a little whoop, ran around the room spastically, and then glomped Axel, throwing his arms around the taller redhead's neck.
"Roxas…? Did you break into my box of vodka-filled chocolates again?" Axel asked curiously, a little winded from nearly being strangled. But he was soon cut off by a very obnoxious envelope being waved in front of his face.
"You'll never guess what I found in the box of formula." Roxas said, snatching the letter away before Axel could see what it said, his eyes shining and face flushed with excitement. Axel found it very difficult to focus on this whole "guessing game" business; the majority of his thoughts were centered on how flushing was a good look for Roxas, and how much better he would look wearing nothing but a belt, while feeding Axel grapes.
"Hmmm… Um, just tell me."
"Nuuuu." Roxas replied, holding the envelope out of reach while simultaneously dancing little pirouettes. "You have to guess."
Now curiosity had overcome Axel's grape-belt-lust, and he was rather annoyed. So he tackled Roxas, straddling him (okay, so maybe not all of his grape-belt-lust had worn off just yet) and managing to obtain the envelope through some well-placed tickle torture.
His emerald eyes perused the page, a smile slowly spreading across his lips. "Tickets to Oblivion, hmmm? This is…fantastic!"
Roxas grinned up at Axel, his happiness somehow multiplying tenfold of what it had been only seconds before. It reminded him of when he was a child, and he'd gotten some sort of cool action figure for his birthday. He'd been so thrilled, so happy in the way that only little kids can be- but what had been even better was the feeling that came when he showed the toy to his friends and saw his joy mirrored in their faces. Or like when he'd worked so hard on a portrait of his parents, and he just couldn't keep a goofy smile off his face when they told him how much they loved it. There was just something so satisfying about making your loved ones happy.
But this was Axel we're talking about, and therefore, through Roxas's logic, it was much better than some old toy or drawing. And Roxas knew that Axel was probably even more excited than he was- Axel had been pretty into the whole flamer-junkee-goth-punk deal during his tweens, testified by his hair, tattoos, and certain piercings in areas that are not typically disclosed to the public.
"The only thing I don't understand," Roxas began conversationally, letting his hands rest onto Axel's thighs, "…is why they put the tickets into formula boxes. Why would a new mother want to go to a gothic rock concert?"
"It's for the babies, Roxy. It's never too late to start on the whole teenage depression shebang." Axel began to tap his fingers along Roxas's ribcage thoughtfully. It had been a while since he and Roxas had done anything special… well, anything special outside of his house anyway. And he really wanted to go. Quite apart from his love for every concert known to man, there was another, far more important reason for him wanting to get out of the house.
He had an itch. A very particular itch that he was positively dying to scratch. Most guys got this itch every few weeks or so, but with Axel it was more like a couple of days. And he'd been a good little boy for long enough now, his brain (which had recently migrated to its vacation home in the nether regions of his body) reckoned.
There was just one small obstacle between him and his… "backscratcher", if you will. An adorable, pudgy little diaper-wearing obstacle named Aiden, to be exact.
"…Speaking of babies, Rox… What're we gonna do about Aiden?"
"…I was hoping you had an idea."
"Well…" Axel began, licking his lips. "We could hire a babysitter, just for the concert." Roxas seemed about to interject, but Axel raised a hand to quiet him. "We could even ask her to watch Aiden for the entire night. Think about it, Roxas. The entire night. Alone. Together. Just us, and my oxymorons." He leaned back, letting the meaning of what he was proposing sink in for a moment.
Roxas blushed furiously and wriggled out from Axel's hold, sitting cross-legged on the tile. "But Axel, think about it. What self-respecting babysitter would feel comfortable taking a job from someone like us? Not to mention that with my luck, they'll gossip about us to all their friends and somehow, word'll get out to my parents!" He frowned and rubbed his cheek with the palm of one hand. "It's probably not even legal that we're taking care of the kid… So what're we gonna do?"
Axel eyed him in a way that made Roxas wish he hadn't spoken. "You know, Roxas, you're absolutely right. And I think I have just the solution."
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Dontcha just adore cliffhangers?
And extended itchy metaphors? ….yes.
I apologize again for the wait. Visit my DA page if you'd like to see what I did when I was supposed to be typing this, my username is Txenriks.
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