----

Title: Candy from a Baby

Author: Txenriks

Summary: In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK!

Rating: T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... Shame on you who want them to do the deed in front of the baby!

Disclaimer: I make it my policy to try and own many things. I enjoy owning things… However Axel and Roxas, as of yet, are not counted in the list of my numerous possessions…

Hola peeps! Five chapters up now… Is this some sort of milestone? Should I break out the champagne and the fancy dress suits? Maybe we'll just skip all that and go straight to the rum or vodka or something… Which reminds me…Everyone seems to make Axel a drunkard or a smoker in their AU fanfics. But he's so skinny! That means everything affects him more than usual. So… when he drinks a bottle of vodka, and gets completely wasted, the equivalent's like a fat guy drinking six bottles of vodka or something. Sheesh. What a party animal.

OMFG I am so sorry it took this long, guys! I kept procrastinating, and then getting delays or problems with my computer every time I actually wanted to work! Ah, I hope to be more diligent in the future.

----

Chapter 5

"No."

"Yes."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"HELLA no!"

"Hella YES."

It was big, frilly, and worst of all, it was pink. Plus, Roxas was sure he'd seen it try to wriggle away from Axel's grip. It was a dress. An evil, PINK, possessed dress. No way was he wearing this. Guys don't wear evil, PINK, possessed dresses, no matter how much they secretly enjoyed looking at other guys in the men's locker room!

Roxas regarded the thing, his expression one of utmost horror and distaste. "'No' means 'NO', Axel." He spat, trying to back further away from the hideous thing. Considering that he'd already put ten or so feet between it and him, and that the wall pressing against his back was quite solid, it's not surprising that he failed.

"But Roxas- don't you understand the plan?" Axel asked innocently, tilting his head to one side and resting his elbow on the counters.

"Of course I do. And it's not that bad of a plan… One of us has to dress up like a girl, to fool the babysitters into thinking we're not a gay couple."

"So what's the problem then?"

Roxas muttered something under his breath, lower lip threatening to go into a pout. Axel poked him until he repeated himself more loudly. "I don't want to be the woman, okay?! Why does it have to be me? You have much longer hair than I do…"

"Plenty of girls have short hair, Roxy. I'm more concerned about our heights. People tend to freak out and stare when they see a really tall girl with a pint-sized guy. I mean, it's like a gag from some dumb comedy flick or something. Not to mention that you're the only one of us who can still speak in falsetto."

"…What do you mean? My voice is higher pitched than yours, but I totally do not speak in falsetto." Roxas protested, confused. He decided that the whole "pint-sized" comment did not even merit a response. It was true, after all, no matter how much it killed him to admit it.

"Not normally, maybe. But you can." Axel grinned as he said this, tapping his fingers on the countertop. Roxas shook his head, still uncomprehending. How very…naïve of him. It was during these times that Axel could believe he was looking at the twin brother of Sora. Most other times, the resemblance in their personalities was almost nonexistent.

The redhead was too impatient to explain. He decided to just skip right to the point. The next time Roxas blinked, he sneaked closer to the blonde, slipping his hands up Roxas's shirt and gently dragging his fingernails along the younger boy's spine. Taken by surprise, Roxas wriggled, gasped, and let out a very soft, very falsetto moan. Axel giggled, a self-satisfied smirk spreading across his face as he hastily beat a retreat to the other side of the kitchen. Roxas glared at him, sputtering angrily and trying to regain his dignity.

"Th-that's not fair!"

"Life's not fair, babe." Axel retorted, now performing a small victory dance from his relative safety at the opposite end of the room. "And anyway, even if all my other arguments weren't true, you'd still make a much, much cuter girl than I ever could."

"'Cute', huh? Might as well just call me girly, and get it over with." Roxas looked away, crossing his arms over his chest. "I mean, if you –had- to force me into drag, you could have at least picked a dress that's well, I dunno, a little less hideous?! Or better yet, you could have gotten me some normal girl clothes, because girls do not wear this kind of crap any more." Roxas was speaking from experience; a few days earlier, he'd noticed a lovely blouse at the mall that had matched his eyes… No, stop. Be a man, Roxas…if not for much longer.

"Wearing girl pants would have just emphasized the fact that you're a guy. Why do you think gay guys wear them in the first place?" Axel let out a huffy sigh, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I could have… I dunno, held a handbag in my lap or something."

Axel looked affronted. "First the washcloth, and now you're talking about cheating on me with a handbag? Kinky."

Roxas sighed, resting his forehead against the wall. A few moments passed, then came Roxas's muffled acquiescence. "…Fine. I'll wear the damn thing."

No sooner had the words left his mouth than Axel let out a happy cry (though whether it was from anticipation of seeing Roxas in drag, or from relief of not having to wear the dress himself, no one knows) and swept him off to the bathroom, the dress in tow and billowing out behind them as they went.

After some general wrestling, struggling, wondering where the hell all those extra straps go, and much shrieking all around, the deed was done. Axel bustled him upstairs and held him up in front of a mirror, grinning like he'd just won the lottery. Roxas picked anxiously at some frills on his stomach, face red as Axel's hair. He tugged desperately at the lace draped over his shoulders, hoping that the dress would rip, or tear, or spontaneously combust- anything to get it off of him. However, the dress was much sturdier than it looked, and it refused to humor him. Shit.

"S-so… when do the babysitters start coming?" Roxas asked, still feeling awkward and flustered. Axel pulled back his sleeve and snuck a peek at his wristwatch.

"Oh, about twenty minutes."

"Well, that's just lovely. Twenty minutes extra stuck inside this thing." Roxas tapped his chin thoughtfully with one slender finger. "I wonder what I should do to kill time…"

At these words, Axel perked up ever so slightly. He had thought that Roxas would be angry at him for the dress thing; much too angry for them to sneak in anything "fun" before the sitters started arriving for interviews. But if all that was true… then why was Roxas steadily advancing on him, one corner of his mouth quirked into a smug smile?

"…Roxas?" Axel began, somewhat hopefully.

"…Yes?" Roxas replied, smiling sweetly. His hands snuck behind the counter for a moment, and came back wielding a large, filthy broom.

It's a good thing most of their neighbors happened to be out doing errands, otherwise they might have heard a similar conversation to this:

"Ah! No, Roxy… Let's be reasonable about this… Put the broom down! No! Don't do it! Not the face! Spare my baby! Aaaah! Domestic violence! Domestic Violence! Somebody call the ASPCA! Or the CSI! Or whatever… Anyway, Domestic Violence! Ugggh aaugggh UUUH ooof grahh erg gruh ahhhhghu uuuuuugg mmmuuurg…"

"…"

"…Awooga?"

"No awooga. I haven't even hit you yet, you great flaming sissy. Now shut up before you wake Aiden." He said, smacking Axel's behind once with the broom before tossing it off to the side.

"The babysitters will be coming soon and I- What?" Roxas stopped mid-sentence as he noticed that Axel was studying him intensely. Studying his chest, to be exact. It was a very nice chest to be sure, especially if you happened to be Axel, but hardly one that could pass as being feminine.

The redhead stepped forward, resting his nose on the patch of pale skin revealed by the dress's sagging, unsupported neckline, startling a shriek out of the blonde boy. "Roxas… We're going to need some water balloons."

----

Anyway, come on guys. I know you're out there! Well over a thousand hits (0-;; Ahh! I'm so honored!) and yet only 20 reviews? Tch, you guys can do better than that. Don't make me break out the churros, I'll whoop y'all over the head with them. And believe me when I say that fried cinnamon-ey goodness is VERY hard to get out of the hair, ne?

So the winner of the Quizbekistan contest is SHIGUNA…! Um, not sure what that means exactly, but… Oh well.