Hakkai was shaking with anger when he got back to his own room. He was thanking his lucky stars now that Gojyo had managed to get them all separate rooms. It couldn't have been easy, with Sanzo holding the purse strings. He needed to be alone now.
What the hell had that been about? Who did Gojyo think he was? Hakkai didn't belong to him, or to anyone else, for that matter. His thoughts and motivations were his own, and no half-breed fucking pervert kappa was going to lay claim to them. Gojyo's words rang in his ears: ipeople don't take kindly to taboo children…/i As if that gave the girl a right to do what she did.
Gojyo kissed me.
A sudden swell of fury gripped Hakkai, and he slammed his fist into the nearest wall, denting the soft plaster. Hakuuryu squealed in fear from the closet, and he felt a little ashamed. He never lost his temper like this. He cooed to the little dragon, soothing words in a hushed voice, assuring him that things were okay. It seemed that he was just going to have to keep it all inside, as usual.
Gojyo kissed me, more than once.
They had no idea how hard it was to be him. Between being the one to care for their transportation, ignoring daily death threats from an egomaniacal sociopath with a gun, feeding an insatiable child and indulging the antics of an extremely libidinous gambler, Hakkai was often not sure how he had managed to keep from blasting them all. Why did he have to play the parent?
He touched my scar, laid claim to it.
They were his friends, absolutely, but they were enough to make a soul extremely tired. He had enough on his plate just trying to get through each day, to justify his existence, to summon the will to give a damn, frankly. Sometimes he thought that this journey was the real punishment for his crimes. No one should have to endure the constant bickering, sloppiness and just plain rudeness of this bunch.
Then he kissed me.
The worst part of all of this, Hakkai thought, was that they had no clue how damned difficult they were to deal with. They never considered for a second that perhaps he had not been sent with them to play housekeeper, mother and referee. The expectation was that Hakkai would settle it, Hakkai would clean it, Hakkai would fix it, Hakkai would…whatever, but never a thought to how Hakkai might feel about it all.
I should be angry about that.
Was this what he had been spared for, to play den mother to a trio of reckless delinquent children in men's bodies? It infuriated him, really. This was stupid.
Why aren't I angry about that?
Several hours later in Sanzo's room, a frustrated Gojyo tried to explain why it was that they couldn't leave the next morning. A cool, arrogant Sanzo plied him with questions that he couldn't answer to his advantage.
"Is Hakkai okay, or isn't he?"
"Well, yeah, he's healing fine, but…" the large man trailed off.
"But…?" The monk's violet gaze was level, rational, and exasperating as hell. He sat calmly smoking a cigarette, newspaper temporarily lowered in uncharacteristic courtesy, as they discussed the situation.
Gojyo didn't want to share his suspicions with Sanzo, and he simply refused to share any details of the previous night's goings-on. That was strictly between Hakkai and himself. The problem with that lay in the fact that said goings-on were his strongest reason for staying. Though it was not a good idea, Hakkai could travel and even fight in his current condition. If they left now, though, Gojyo knew that being on the road would ruin whatever chance he had of breaking through, so that he and Hakkai could sort out what had happened between them.
The redhead was very aware that kissing Hakkai had been a dangerous move, but he didn't regret it. The feeling of the other man's incredibly soft lips under his own had been electric, and it kept wandering through his mind at inopportune times. Like now, when he should be answering the blond monk's query.
"Look, baldy, I just don't think that he's really ready to go on right now. Haven't you noticed what he's been like the past couple of weeks? It's dangerous for all of us to take him back on the road like this. He's not himself." Gojyo's tone was almost pleading, which he detested, but it was for Hakkai, so he would deal with it.
"Aa," was all the answer he received - at the point of Sanzo's gun.
"Give me a few more days to work on him, all right?" Gojyo adjusted his tone down a couple of notches, in order to pacify the gun's wielder.
The gun disappeared. "Right. You've got three days. Then we move on, whether you and that bastard are with us or not, got that?" Sanzo dismissed Gojyo by lifting his newspaper high enough that he could no longer see the half-breed.
"Oh, thank you, Sanzo-sama," he replied in sarcastic tones, somewhat more bold now that the weapon had been removed. Gojyo turned on his heel and strode across to the door, giving Goku a playful slap across the back of the head as he passed. "Later, monkey."
He closed the door on the eager protestation that inevitably followed, and headed down the stairs. He needed to buy smokes.
Lunch was a truly gruelling experience for Hakkai. His mind was wrapped in layers of confusion, and the source of that confusion was sitting directly beside him. He ate whatever they put in front of him without noticing what any of it was. When asked a direct question, the normally loquacious young man offered a monosyllabic response and lapsed into silence again. He tried, on a couple of occasions, to look at Gojyo, but it was no use. He could feel the color rising into his cheeks each time.
After what felt like an eternity, they finished eating, and Hakkai was free to go. He wandered back to his room and flopped down on the bed. The anger had mostly worn off, but now he was left with gut-twisting questions for which he had no answers.
He'd been trying to figure out Gojyo's motivation, in starting that argument, in… doing the other thing he had done. He was chasing his own tail, and he knew it. The only way to find out was to ask Gojyo, and he was not yet ready to do that. His cheeks colored again at the thought. He was mortified by the idea of asking the hanyo outright.
There was one other thing that disturbed Hakkai, which was his inability to understand his own reaction to what had transpired between them. Just when he managed to work up a good, foaming rage against the red-haired playboy, he found himself recalling the feeling of his own mouth, covered by strong, supple lips, and a furious blush infused his face. He felt like an inexperienced adolescent.
Really, who did Gojyo think he was? He didn't even like men, as far as Hakkai knew, and he had shown extremely poor judgment in… kissing him at such a time. Or at all, Hakkai hastily amended in his mind. He did feel bad about punching the other man, though. Still, he shouldn't surprise a body like that. Hakkai felt that it was hardly fair the he should be held responsible for his reaction.
Of course, the most troubling thing was the other reaction, the one his treacherous body had manifested without his consent. As much as he might try to deny it, Hakkai had responded to Gojyo. He recalled the feeling of the taller man's body pressed up against his, still warm from the shower, the sensation of Gojyo's thigh sliding between his own…he crushed the thoughts down and waited for his breathing to slow.
Damn the man, anyway. What was he trying to accomplish? Was he just trying to shock Hakkai? Was Gojyo really attracted to him? If the latter was true, was it just a passing thing, or would it last? Hakkai was surprised to find himself upset by the notion that it might fade. What the hell was wrong with him?
He'd sworn when Kanan died that he would never love again, and for more than three years, he hadn't felt so much as a stirring of interest. Until last night, that was. When he was safely in his room, Hakkai was almost horrified to discover that he was semi-hard. So now the question was: was this really about love, or was it just physical? He'd always seen the physical act as being inseparable from the emotion. He didn't think he was in love with Gojyo. Was he?
No, that couldn't be. He certainly cared for the tall, sarcastic man who had saved his life, but it wasn't love. At least not the kind Hakkai was familiar with. Why the reaction, then? Was it possible that after all this time, Hakkai was just horny? It was possible, but it hardly seemed likely. Maybe this was some strange middle ground where regard and loneliness came together in order to confuse the living shit out of naïve dopes like him.
Well, whatever the reason, whatever the outcome, he was going to have to ask Gojyo about it, and soon. This couldn't go on. Hakkai had no idea what he was going to do; he may very well regret this later, but he knew that stewing here in his room wasn't solving anything.
He got up and walked purposefully out the door.
What was he going to do? Gojyo pulled the last draw from his cigarette, stubbing the butt viciously into the ashtray, which was full once again. He'd gone and blown it, he knew it. The fact that Hakkai was really pissed at him was painted on his cheekbone in a lovely shade of purple.
He wasn't even entirely sure why he had done it, except that he was desperate. He couldn't stand to see his friend in pain. Well, the truth was that they were all in pain all the time, but Gojyo had never seen Hakkai like this before. It terrified him beyond all reason. Now, instead of making things easier for the other man, he had managed to complicate things even more.
Yeah, great job there, moron, he chided himself. Now not only have you destroyed any chance of helping Hakkai, you've probably also fucked your whole relationship, and all for what? Like you can't get a piece of tail from someone else.
The truth, however, was not so simple, as Gojyo was well aware. No matter how much he hated the fallout, he still couldn't feel remorse over the act itself. What he had done was not about sex, and that frightened him far, far more than Hakkai's anger did.