A faint knocking pulled Gojyo out of his reverie. "Yeah," he grumbled in the general direction of the door, then resumed his fascinated inspection of the beer can in his large hand. The door creaked gently open, and Hakkai's boyish face appeared around the edge, a hesitant smile just barely turning up the corners of his soft mouth. Gojyo glanced up to make the eye contact that Hakkai would require as permission before he entered, and couldn't look away.
Shit, Gojyo found himself thinking, why the hell does he have to move like that? Fervent wishes that he had never allowed himself to indulge in the scrutiny that had started all this flooded his mind. Hakkai, simply attired in jeans – the tight ones, Gojyo noticed – and a black crewneck sweater that clung to his shoulders and tapered to his waist, slid into the room; Gojyo wondered when his brain had started applying words like sinuous to his companion.
Instead of coming to the table, where Gojyo sat, Hakkai opted to close the door behind him and lean against it. His eyes darted around the room, refusing to settle on any single object for any length of time. When his gaze met Gojyo's, Hakkai dropped his eyes quickly and cleared his throat.
"Um, Gojyo-san…" Hakkai trailed off, and Gojyo knew instantly that this was important. Hakkai never had any trouble spewing out whatever it was he wanted to say, a trait that had caused the taller man to flush almost to the color of his hair on more than one occasion. If it was hard for him to speak, there had to be a good reason. Besides, he hadn't used the honorific on Gojyo for ages, and it indicated that Hakkai felt he needed to hide behind the formality. Gojyo straightened up slightly, reaching for his cigarette pack.
"Yeah, man? What's up?" Gojyo hoped he sounded sufficiently nonchalant – he didn't want to let on how relieved he felt to have Hakkai talking to him after enduring the silence of this day. Hakkai had only come out of his room for meals, and though he had spoken during those times, it was sparse conversation; he refused even to look at Gojyo.
"Please forgive me, but I am somewhat discomfited right now, so I may not speak very well, but I do need to discuss something with you." During this little preamble, Gojyo had watched the color rise from Hakkai's collar, up over his face, then deepen to a shade he would have otherwise thought impossible on that pale skin. Shit, this was important. He lit his smoke and straightened a little more.
"Just spit it out, dude. You can say anything to me as long as you drop that Gojyo-san bullshit," his words were flippant, but his tone was deadly serious now. "I'm listening."
"Thank you, Gojyo. I knew I could trust you to take this seriously. I know that I have been very distant since…uh, and I'd like to apologize for that. I hope you can forgive me for it, but I had a lot to think about – from our last… umm… encounter…that I, uh…well, I'm done with that now, in any case, but there are things I need to ask, and things I need to say, as well." The last came out in as close to a tumble of words as Gojyo had ever heard from Hakkai.
Their last encounter was something that Gojyo did not particularly feel like discussing, but his uneasiness took an immediate backseat to Hakkai's need. Since when do I give in so easily? Really, Gojyo, just because every time you see Hakkai you want to pin him to a wall (like you did last time, ne?)…oh, GOD. He really did need to do something about his libido, he decided. With a grimace, Gojyo unceremoniously squashed that line of thought, turning his full attention on Hakkai. "What do you need to know? No secrets here, man." Fuck, I'm an idiot.
Hakkai favored him with a slightly larger smile, and though his eyes did not fully participate, Goyjo knew that he had meant that one. The brunette cleared his throat, "Uh, about the other day… um… when you, ah…"
"Kissed you." Gojyo supplied. Great, now I'm HELPING?
"…kissed me, yeah. Um, I need to know, why?"
"I wanted to," the redhead stated simply.
"But I thought you didn't like men. I mean, in that way. I certainly never thought you saw me that way." Hakkai was settling down, now that the subject had been broached, if a little awkwardly. His words were coming at a more normal pace, his breathing was much more regular, and his color was less hectic now.
"I don't, really, and I didn't." Gojyo replied, rather unhelpfully, he thought with some pride. If Hakkai wanted to have this conversation instead of burying it deep inside and pretending that it had never happened, like any normal fucking man would, then he was getting no help from Gojyo. He was already suffering enough, damn it.
"Then… why? Please, Gojyo, I need to understand this. I promise I'll drop it after this, but I really need you to help me," Hakkai's face was pleading.
God damn it all, I'm going to fucking regret this, aren't I? "I'm sorry, Hakkai. I'll try to be more helpful. I admit I was hoping you would just pretend it never happened," Gojyo offered, penitent now of his former reluctance to assist.
"You were? Why?"
"Because I didn't want to have this conversation. Because I was hoping it wouldn't get in the way. Because…" Gojyo's turn to trail off.
"Get in the way of what?" Hakkai seemed puzzled. "And what else? Because… what?"
I'm well and truly fucked now, Gojyo thought derisively, If I get through this discussion with my sanity intact, I'm going to kick my ass. I'll fucking deserve it, too. "Oh, well, fuck it. Go big or stay home, right? Before I say anything else, are you sure you want to talk about this? 'Cause you know, once we start, we're going all the way, and I'm going to say some shit I'm sure you don't want to know."
A moment of reflection on Hakkai's part gave Gojyo some time to begin the mental ass-kicking he had promised himself. Suddenly, Hakkai looked up, his gaze locking with Gojyo's, and the redhead knew he was lost. A current, almost electric, flowed through him, igniting every cell from skin to marrow, and it brooked no denial.
"I'm sure, Gojyo," was Hakkai's only response.
"Shit. Okay, babe, take your best shot," and Gojyo reached for another smoke, lit it. This conversation was going to wreak havoc on his lungs.
"Babe? What the… never mind. Listen, I need to know what that kiss was all about, Gojyo. I've spent hours upon hours thinking about this, and the only thing I have to show for it is a headache. So, let's start with the sentence that you never finished: because…" Hakkai gestured to Gojyo meaningfully.
Damn. He's got the upper hand now. Look at him, the smug little bastard. He's got that little smirk on now that pulls up just the one side of his mouth, makes me want to wipe it off his face, leave his lips bruised and swollen…Fuck!
"Because… Fuck! 'Cause I wanted you to stay! You were… and I couldn't – Damn it, Hakkai!" Gojyo's inability to articulate, though not unusual, was really inconvenient just now.
"To stay? But I wasn't going anywhere. I would never run out on you, even if we were having an argument. You know me better than that, Gojyo." Hakkai's eyes were as soft as his voice, and Gojyo groaned inwardly. Why did this have to be so hard? Why did he suddenly have to want this man now, after all this time, when there was so fucking much at stake? Why did it have to be Hakkai for the love of God? If it had been Sanzo, he could have used the idea of a bullet in the head as a chilling influence. The most chilling thing about Hakkai was his smile. Oh, yeah, that was a big help. Damn.
"Look, Hakkai, you know damn well what I mean. You knew when we had that argument, and you know now. Don't blow smoke up my ass, man. I haven't seen you like this since before we went to Hyakugan Maoh's place. You told us after the three aspects killed Gonou that you were afraid to die, and you have always fought like that was true. Since that village last month, you've been…different. You've been fighting, all right, but it's been for us, not you. You've been courting death again, my friend. The proof of that is written all over your back. I wanted you to stay. Clear?" By the end of this little speech, Gojyo's own color was beginning to rise, and he was leaning so far forward that the table was digging painfully into his ribcage. To take the edge off, he leaned back slightly and took a drag of his smoke.
A look of pure shock settled on Hakkai's face as Gojyo spoke. His deep green eyes widened and his jaw fell slightly, leaving his full lips parted. There was a faint blush to his cheeks, and in Gojyo's breast anger, remorse and desire fought for supremacy. God, he looks so vulnerable. Gojyo lowered his eyes to block the sight of his friend's pain. The urge to wrap Hakkai in his arms was so strong that he almost gave in, but his more rational self told him that it would be a bad idea just now.
"I told you the other day that it was accidental, Gojyo. I didn't mean to get injured. You can believe that."
"I do believe that. I absolutely do. You meant to get fucking dead. Don't bother to deny it, Hakkai. I know that I'm not the sharpest fucking knife, but don't you dare treat me like an idiot. I'm your friend. You're my…" Gojyo stopped short, unwilling to voice what lay at the base of his current feelings, afraid of what would happen if he did.
"Well, here's a place we've been before. You never did answer me either. I'm your what?" Hakkai's eyes had narrowed, body tensed as if expecting Gojyo to run at him again, as he had the last time they had come to this point in the discussion.
"Forget it." Gojyo's tone was sulky. He shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have said it last time, either, he supposed. That comment was what had led to the kiss that had in turn led to this discussion.
"No, I won't forget it, Gojyo. You're the one who said we were going all the way this time. No secrets, you said. Well, here we are again, and you're holding back. I will agree to admit that you were right about my intentions, but you have to be honest with me as well. Whatever it was, you kissed me over it. I don't know what you were trying to accomplish by it, but in any case, that's pretty fucking serious, ne?"
Now Hakkai was Hakkai again, though Gojyo still couldn't wrap his head around the brunette swearing. That was weird, but at least he knew who he was dealing with now.
"All right," Gojyo held up his hands in a gesture of surrender, "you've got me there. I'm sorry." He cast his eyes down so he wouldn't have to meet Hakkai's gaze. "Look, all my life I've been alone. I never had a real family, real friends, or any relationships. You know all that. I never asked for any of those things, and until you bled your way into my life, I never knew the fucking difference. I thought I was… well content, if not happy. Then you and your innards and your fucking green eyes show up, and everything changes!" His voice was rising, and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself. It sounded shaky, even to his own ears.
"Changed how?" Hakkai asked softly, taking the few steps to the chair nearest him, opposite Gojyo. He pulled it out and slid onto it, placing his forearms on the table in front of him and folding his hands together in that prim way that Gojyo knew so well. He allowed himself to flick glance up at Hakkai.
"You think I just randomly go around picking up bleeding guys off the road and taking them home? When I nudged you, you looked up at me, your eyes seemed somehow familiar, but I'd never seen you before in my life. And then you smiled at me. Your guts were spilled out all over the ground, you were bleeding to death, and you fucking ismiled/i at me!" Gojyo spat, the incredulity he had felt at that moment returning to make itself heard now in his voice.
"Go on. We've never really talked about this, have we? What happened back then, I mean. I really smiled at you? I don't remember you picking me up, just the fight that left me like that, and knowing I was going to die. Then I woke up to find myself in your bed, instead of in hell." Hakkai's voice was tinged now with amusement at the memory of their first conversation. Hakkai waking up in my bed… Gojyo was helpless to stop himself… Pale skin naked against the sheets, raven hair across the white pillow, deep green eyes fluttering closed, color high with desire, the scent of him surrounding me and infusing my things… Gojyo bit at the corner of his lip to stifle the sound that nearly escaped him. Hakkai waited patiently, as usual.
"Well, when the monk came to get you, and you ran, I told him that you had some self-appointed mission to finish, and then you'd probably die. I guess that's when I figured out that it mattered to me whether you did. Up until he told me, I didn't even know your name, but I knew I couldn't just let you die. Don't ask me why I cared. I just did. So I went with them to get you." Gojyo's voice had softened now, too. Memories of that night flooded his mind, the ghost of that feeling that had gripped his stomach at the thought of Hakkai's death making itself felt once again. "Guess I'm always a selfish bastard when it comes to you…" he mumbled, almost under his breath.
Hakkai's eyes narrowed, "Excuse me?" he inquired.
"Nothing, man," Gojyo replied in a weary voice. This was becoming very difficult, indeed. Apparently deciding to drop it, the other man continued, "You guys found me just after I-"
"Just before, actually," Gojyo interrupted. "We just weren't close enough to stop it. That was the first time I ever saw real will, man. I never saw a fight turn around so fast in my life." A small chuckle escaped him as he remembered what had followed. "You probably didn't get a good look at that guy's face when you threw your eyeball at him, huh? It was fucking beautiful! He was scared shitless of you after that. I knew right then that, if you allowed it, I'd stick by you. You have to respect a guy who'll do something like that, you know"
An enigmatic smile played around the edges of Hakkai's mouth as he listened. "No, I didn't see that. And I didn't know that. Why didn't you ever tell me?"
"'Cause the guy that did that fucking died, right?" There was a sharp edge in Gojyo's voice now. "The past was the past. I still wanted to be around Hakkai after you found me, but Gonou…" he ground his teeth together, "Gonou was dead." A pause, a shaking breath, "Besides, I found about six million reasons to respect Hakkai just as much. When Gonou died, though, I felt kind of empty, somehow, and-"
"And you cut your hair," Hakkai mused. "I'm sorry, but I never saw it before. I guess it never occurred to me that the two things could possibly be connected, that it could have mattered to you at all, really. I knew you were glad I was alive, but"
"Well, I did do it for me, you know? But it was like, when you died, I needed to break with the past. I'd grown it out to hide the scars from when my mother tried to kill me. I guess I kind of figured I owed it to the memory of your strength of will, and your willingness to face your past, to do the same. Man, I suck at this. You understand what I'm getting at?" Gojyo's hand snaked across the table to grab his pack of smokes and tap out another. Politely, he tipped the pack toward Hakkai, who surprised Gojyo by taking one. "Thought you would've stopped that by now," he mumbled around his own cigarette, then lit it and passed the lighter to the other man.
"Well...stress. I'll stop soon. I think I understand you. Better, at least, than I did. I appreciate your candor, Gojyo. I'm somewhat nonplussed about your regard, though." He put his cigarette between his lips and lit it in turn. His young face was thoughtful as he stared down at the table, his thumb tracing the line of the grain.
"Well, you just seemed to have it all together. Your life was a mess, but you still had this clear purpose. After that was gone, you were clear about accepting punishment. You were always clear, even if what you were clear about was fucked up. Every time you looked at me, I felt this… pull, like you and I were connected somehow. The time you spent at my place was the most contented I'd ever been. I felt like I had a purpose, too, I guess." Gojyo turned earnest eyes toward Hakkai, and was rewarded with another of those electric currents as their gazes met.
"I think I see, Gojyo. I also enjoyed that time. It felt so good finally, to lay everything down for a while. I always knew I would have to pick it up again, but just then, all I had to be was me. I appreciated that more than you'll ever know. I still appreciate it. You're the only one who makes me feel that way, even now. I thank you for that." Hakkai's smile was tentative, but reassuring to Gojyo. It gave him the strength to say what came next.
"You're my… my best friend, Hakkai. I don't want to face a world without you in it. I need to know that you're out there. I can't go back to my old life anymore. I need someone to care about now. I need someone to care about me, now. I need you to stay, man. Don't leave me here alone, okay?" The redhead was staring at the table now. His voice was small, like a child's, and it quivered with the fear he struggled to keep in check. "Don't die on me again, Hakkai. I can't fucking take it if you die on me again."