Dedicated to Bella, for reviewing and favoriting. Bella, I know you're going through something difficult but don't worry. Your story is better than hers and I won't forgive her, either. To my eyes, you're a great and devoted writer and hope this doesn't stop you. And yeah, in last chapter I was hinting for GinRan. I love that pairing! Unfortunately, there aren't many chances of it happening. :( Oh well, we can always choose an alternative for Rangiku. ^^ I chose Hisagi.
Emotions
A puzzled Orihime Inoue was behind the door a nearly and inexplicably overwhelmed Ulquiorra laid his back against.
What had just happened in that room?
What was I thinking…? – He questioned himself. – I wasn't thinking anything…
-To not think is key to acting before thinking, Ulquiorra. – A voice he really didn't want to hear said.
Ulquiorra turned to where the voice had come from.
She wore her grayish brown hair down and her body was covered by a white bathroom robe and her feet wore fluffy slippers.
Anyone other than him would've raised an eyebrow.
-What's with that look, Ulquiorra? – She asked him grinning with a hand on her hip. – I just finished my shift and you should thank me I postponed my bath to come and congratulate you for making some progress.
-Progress? – He asked skeptical. – Just like I predicted, this only led to more confusion and undesirable situations.
-Who ever said that progress is supposed to move you to a comfortable zone, Ulquiorra? – She questioned. – How can you not see the progress? You didn't scream at each other this time, so you should see that as something. Now, what have you learned this time?
-I don't understand what just happened in that room. How could I have learned anything?
-Why, that's too bad. – She shook her head disapprovingly. – Ulquiorra, you did learn something. Every time we talk with a person it is inevitable to gain knowledge about that person's being. Like I quoted before, life is not meant to be understood and to just be revised backwards, but to be lived while moving forward. Even if you don't really understand the process that got you to a piece of information, that doesn't necessarily make the information unreliable. The communication you should establish with her to understand her overall being does not require you to critically understand how you came to that point. What matters is that you get there. Now, without thinking that what you say might be wrong or not, tell me, what have you learned?
-She has too much trust in others.
-That might actually be an accurate observation, Ulquiorra. – She smiled. – What else?
-She does not even consider betrayal from others as a possibility. She's illogical.
-Uh-uh! – She warned him. – Don't go there again, Ulquiorra Schiffer! I thought it was already clear that this is not about logic. Or are you saying you can find a logic way to explain your current circumstances?
-Are you implying you're not an existence that obeys logic?
-My existence itself is hardly believable, but I find it logical once I remember who I am.
-Who are you?
-You're starting to sound like a broken record; and a very boring one, Ulquiorra. – She complained.
-Then can you tell me what are you?
-I am not really sure in which group I'd fall into. I can only confirm what you already suspect. I am not a common being. I am neither human, shinigami, hollow or Arrancar…I'm not a Bount either.
-A Bount?
-Are you familiar with them?
-No but I have read about them.
-Heh? And they're supposed to be confidential. Soul Society shouldn't take pride in their security system like they do.
-That system cannot counteract Aizen's influence.
-That is true.
-How is it that you know of them?
-I simply know a lot of things. – She grinned.
-You are very careful when avoiding giving me any hints of information about you.
-It is not yet time for you to know information about me, Ulquiorra.
-Why do you help me, woman?
-Ugh, Ulquiorra; you really are a handful for my patience, did you know that? – She purposely made her exaggerations obvious while playful. - I'll only repeat things to you once more. I am not 'woman'. I am not just someone you can address like an object merely because I am not one. And for the umpteenth time: I owe you a favor.
-Why is it that both you and Orihime Inoue find it offensive? In the end, that's what you are.
-Well, Ulquiorra, now you're the one who's not making sense. Since when do objects and beings having a common name deny them the right to be addressed properly?
-There shouldn't be a difference.
-There is a difference. – She said gravely without breaking eye contact; her cerulean eyes were void black and impossible not to look at. – Perhaps you cannot understand that because you don't believe in emotions.
His eyes broadened slightly.
-Yes, I am aware that's similar to what Orihime – San said to you and I agree.
-I do not find sense in those words.
-What few people know is that emotions and feelings are not the same thing. Feelings are the responses to emotions. Hence, they are, nonetheless, related. What both Orihime – San and I mean is that because you consider most emotions irrational, you do not like to express your own; that is, to show your feelings; which has gotten you dearly handicapped at expressing yourself and has led you to believe you don't have but a few. You think you've let go of most of them a long time ago, when you were a hollow; you say that despite not remembering a thing about those days. – Ulquiorra frowned slightly as his lips also parted though not noticeably.
How does she know that? How does she know anything about me in the first place? This woman…
-Because you deny the existence of your own, you obviously have trouble acknowledging others' as anything else than illogical and useless. But that has given you yet another disadvantage; you cannot empathize if someone else mentions that their reasons are their emotions and feelings. That is why you don't accept her arguments as valid. To be able to understand what she describes, you must be able to imagine it. But not anyone can imagine what they are not familiar with. Because you don't remember having feelings, you aren't familiar with them. That, Ulquiorra, is the root of all your confusion.
-You… - He was, as hard as it is to believe, speechless.
-The reason I know things about you is part of the package I cannot give you details about. Don't even bother asking, Ulquiorra.
-You still haven't proved that I have emotions. There is nothing that proves I do.
-Well, you can feel anger, frustration, serenity and indifference among some other kinds of sensations, right?
-Yes.
-That's about all we need to prove that. Basing myself on that fact, I can accurately say you have feelings, Ulquiorra. – Her smile grew vivid and amused.
-That does not mean I can share the same kind of emotions as humans do.
-You're forgetting you, in theory, were once human, though you cannot remember.
-Because I cannot remember, it must have been too long ago.
-Is that so? – Her grin grew suspicious to his eyes.
-Yes and that can explain why I don't feel anything else.
-That is not true, Ulquiorra. I cannot say we all have experienced all of the existing sensations. There are too many to describe, perhaps more than infinity. However, when we talk about emotions, we only think about the ones we're familiar with. Mankind and souls wise are far from knowing all of the emotions they can perceive. And even if we reduce that great number to the common emotions like sadness, happiness, surprise, excitement, confusion, pain, disgust, fear, anger, etcetera, we still cannot say everyone has experienced everything. You have only experienced a limited number of emotions. Nonetheless, I can assure you that we were all made equal in emotions. We all are capable of feeling each and every single emotion there is. But our circumstances, which accompany us since birth, can only allow us to feel a specific set of them. Some people get to experience more than others but in the end, everyone had the chance to experience them equally. The longer we live, the more chances we get to live through more of them and learn new feelings. Even if your life has been as long as you think it has been, because your memory is relatively short, you only recall what you've lived in a small percentage of your life. Right now, you can neither assure nor deny what you felt and what you didn't in that lapse of your life you see blank. So, Ulquiorra, I cannot confirm to you that you have experienced different emotions than the ones you know now; at least not in a way you'd believe me. Still, I can definitely tell you that you are capable of all kinds of emotions. Nobody's perception of them is limited enough to just be capable of 3 or 4 like you. But sealing your expression has placed you in your current position. This is the toll of your actions. But well, like the human you once were, you make mistakes and you have to pay for them; pay for the lessons they teach you.
She then closed her eyes for five seconds while smiling; freeing him from the spell of her gaze that felt like hindrances all over his soul.
-Well, I guess the bathtub must be full by now. – She then turned and her hair waved with her action; making it easy to see how long it was, reaching all the way to her lower back. – Go rest some hours, Ulquiorra. I think you've had enough excitement for one day…or night. – She joked.
-I cannot go back there… - He said with a dreadful tone. (A change in his voice that can get as noticeable as Ulquiorra can let it be.)
-Oh, do you mean you don't like parties, Ulquiorra? – She grinned laughing. – Don't worry about that. They went back to where I abducted them from when you exited the room.
-What you did was too stupid for someone like you. – He said with narrowed eyes.
-But it was funny! – She made a fake angelic face. – Besides, I found out you're more amusing than I thought you'd be. I might feel like playing with you another time. – Her angelic face went devilish.
Ulquiorra could've shuddered were it not because of his enviable self-control.
-How shall I explain to Aizen…Sama what happened in my private room?
-What, you're still trying to add the suffix to his name? – She raised an eyebrow. – Gee, Ulquiorra, you're among the most helpless cases I've seen. Save those efforts cause I don't really care how you address him. – She rolled her eyes. - And don't worry about a thing. – She grinned again and raised her right forearm to show him her thumb and index finger making a circle to tell him everything was OK. – The moment they disappeared from you room, they forgot everything and kept on doing whatever they were doing before without a clue about them losing 5 minutes of memories. The human girls returned to their dancing bar the same way. – Her grin widened naughtily. – I thought you were going to like that, Ulquiorra.
-It was disgusting. – He told her. – Because of them dancing like the brainless and idle humans they are, I now smell like them and it's not a bearable scent. I do not understand how there are humans pathetic enough to find pleasure in that. People that make a living that way don't tend to have useful qualities to offer nor do they have anything in their minds that I'd desire to know about.
-Aw, aren't you sweet! – She said with big eyes and her hand covering her lips.
-I will not let you call me sweet, woman. – He said with the same tone he had scolded Orihime hours before.
-If you think I'll get tired of correcting you about the 'woman' pronoun, you're wrong. – She smirked.
-That adjective is not fitting for me. I am an Arrancar. My nature is that of a hollow.
-Most believe hollows are called by that name because they have a hole that substitutes their heart.
-Is that not the case?
-It is, but the meaning of those words is commonly misunderstood. It is not because of the hole itself. That sentence has a figurative sense to it. Although the emotions that make beings human take place in an area of the brain, people commonly relate it to the heart because its beats signal when we are worried, in love, sad, serene or afraid. Hollows are like animals because they guide themselves on instinct. But animals can feel pain too. Emotions on them are not complex like they are in humans and can only feel a basic and limited amount of them. Because they are considered empty inside, they are called 'hollows'. But just like in the Human Realm, the more complex the creature, the more intelligent it is. Hollows go through evolution as they advance from Menos and Gillian to Adjuchas and Vasto Lorde. While Menos and Gillian are mostly instinct-based, the moment a hollow reaches Adjuchas level, they become more aware of their surroundings and their survival and they develop a memory. With a more developed mind, it is inevitable to have wishes and desires. Along with those, come more emotions and the ability to express feelings noticeably. You are supposed to have been a Vasto Lorde in the past, correct? Being an Arrancar, Ulquiorra, does not impede you from experiencing the same emotions as humans do. That is why you can understand Orihime – San, but you just have to try hard. That is basic to achieve anything. What you must do to reach that goal is to try hard and to want to reach it.
-To want to do it? – He asked her, still under her trance.
-That is a step you have already surpassed, Ulquiorra. – She smiled. – Yes, you did need a hundred pushes from me, but you are doing it and you have tried and thought about it endlessly. You do want to understand Inoue Orihime, Ulquiorra. Now the hardest part is to do it but if you have the will and wish, it shouldn't be impossible.
She finally walked away as she said those words.
How was she going to take a bath without being discovered? Though she had already proved she had the powers to disappear when she had too…
Ulquiorra's sighed and walked to his bedroom. He only opened the door a bit and peeked inside as to make sure she had really gotten rid of the unwanted crowd. When he confirmed she had, he fully entered and closed the door behind him.
He walked around and felt slightly astonished to see even the disgusting smell of the dancing girls was gone.
He brought his right forearm close to his face and sniffed his sleeve. He scowled in displeasure. Unfortunately, he still smelled like smoke and cigarettes.
The Espada were given the privilege of having their own private bathrooms so as to not have to use the ones all Fraccion, Privaron and other lower numbers used.
He opened a door that was next to his bookcase and behind it was a simple white bathroom with a shower, tub and a sink.
He stripped out of his upper clothing and threw it into a laundry basket.
His chest was uncovered when he slid open the curtain to turn the faucet on. But he found the tub was already filled with water…And someone else.
-Ah, Ulquiorra. – She said as she turned to him. – You wanted to join me? Too bad, because I'm nearly finished here.
Ulquiorra froze. His left eye twitched as the hot water and the vapor coming from it were not enough to cover her naked body.
-Ulquiorra, are you going to stare all night? – She grinned widely; holding back her laughter.
-What the hell… - Ulquiorra's husky voice said as his face revealed he was upset.
-Well, the public baths are too crowded for my taste. – She answered bluntly as if it were obvious.
-Do you not have any decency, woman?! – He shouted at her as he slid closed the curtain angrily.
He was walking away as she corrected him:
-'Woman' is not my name, Ulquiorra. – She nagged nonchalantly.
He slammed the door closed and laid his bare back against it. What was happening to him? It was harder to breathe and he had never acted like that before… He wasn't thinking before acting in the least. Was he experiencing embarrassment?
Back at the bathtub, she smirked.
-Yare, yare. Was that expression of embarrassment and anger, Ulquiorra? – She told him loud enough for him to hear at the other side.
She then stood up, dried herself with a towel and put on the robe she had set aside in some place where Ulquiorra hadn't seen it earlier.
Ulquiorra felt the door being opened and walked forward without turning to see her.
-It's OK, Ulquiorra. – She smiled. – I'm wearing a robe.
He slowly turned his head and only saw her with the corner of his eye, as if to make sure she wasn't lying, and then turned completely and stared madly at her.
-Perhaps I am indecent but it was worth it because I proved to you I was right. – She then pointed at his visible hole with her index finger. – What you just did was to express your feelings. You no longer have an excuse as to think either me or Orihime – San are wrong. Unlike a hollow, you are not empty because you can have emotions. That hole below your throat is only a mark now and nothing else.
-You… - Ulquiorra could hardly believe it but what could he say when she had proved him wrong undoubtedly?
-Oh, but that was rather amusing. – She then grinned mischievously. – I told you you were a sweet guy, Ulquiorra.
-I am not, woman.
-It's not woman! – She corrected with a playful grimace.
Ulquiorra entered the bathroom and closed the door. He drained the water on the tub and turned the faucet on again to fill it with new and cleaner water.
Someone else had used his bathroom. He didn't like the idea of using it now but he was very disgusted at his scent already and really wanted to wash it off.
He took off the rest of his clothes and sat down at the tub with a sigh.
He splashed some water at his face and hair. (The part that wasn't covered by the remnants of his mask anyways.)
He vigorously washed all of his body and stopped when he was happy with his neutral odorless skin.
He placed his back was against the wall and he gazed up at the ceiling in deep thought. He thought about everything that was happening. He had never had so many questions. Albeit the mysterious female gave him the most, he couldn't stop repeating to himself the ones concerning the female he wished he understood even when his end was coming to him.
He still couldn't understand very well the reason she had so much faith in her human friends or Kurosaki Ichigo.
But then, he realized there were many different actions humans did that he couldn't quite understand. So then, if he came to be able to experience those emotions, would he see things clearly? But now the question was: How?
Inside his mind, he replayed everything Orihime Inoue had told him in his last visit to her room.
He had acted different than usual. He had been almost impulsive as he got that close to her with Sonido.
There was something about the proximity with her that felt strange and he was curious about that. How come he himself had made her invade his personal space? What was it that he wanted to see from up close? Her face? Her eyes? Her voice? Her posture?
He came to the conclusion that needed to spend more time near her to be able to find answers. He really had no idea how to act in front of her. Would he have to act before thinking again? He didn't like the sensation of not knowing what would happen. He was the analytic type of fighter and speaker. But this was no battle or a report for Aizen. He didn't even know what to call that situation.
He recalled yet again his acts in that room and how he was so close to her he even sensed the smell of her hair. No human smells like flowers as so many cheesy writers and poets say, but her hair smelled nice. Not like flowers or strawberries, just nice.
Did she perceive my scent of smoke and cigarettes, too?