Hurray for a big rain of flashbacks! Dedicated to XxparanoidxX, Bokmal14 and Mizuki's Star for reviewing.
Laughs
He felt the cold breeze while standing there on top of Hueco Mundo. He liked cold weather so it was welcomed by him. He wondered if she knew he did; that wouldn't be surprising.
Rather than thinking about Orihime, he mused about the conundrum woman that was the source of the twist in his circumstances as he drowned in reminsicence.
X Flashbacks X
-Hello, Ulquiorra. – She greeted smiling.
-Who are you and where am I? – He asked her with his always unemotional face.
-We've met before, Ulquiorra. – She answered him without her smile vanishing. – But of course, you cannot remember me. And us being in this space means time was stopped from its continuity.
She spoke as if what she was explaining were another ordinary event. – He recalled.
X
-Feel? – He asked blankly.
-Yes, Ulquiorra, feel. This is your new chance.
-Why are you doing this?
-Like I said, I owe you a favor.
-How is this paying me back for whatever I could've done for you before?
-Do you really need to ask, Ulquiorra? – She sounded amused. – A second chance is what myriads of minds have craved for ever since the beginning of times. You are fortunate enough to get one. I'm afraid this is all I can do and I cannot rewind the same lapse of time twice or else a delicate balance will break for sure. Doing it once risks it, in fact.
-Why would you take that risk for me?
-Because I owe you a favor. – She repeated smiling.
-Was that favor thus important?
-That answer varies according to each person; for some it wouldn't be considered like that and for some it would be more meaningful than it truly was. It's a matter of perspective.
Even from the beginning, she has never given me a chance to analyze anything she says. While my intelligence is superior to a human being's I sometimes need more time to think and understand what she means…
X
What was I thinking…? – He questioned himself. – I wasn't thinking anything…
-To not think is key to acting before thinking, Ulquiorra.
Her words sometimes seem to take a deeper meaning and she seems to have a knack to express them easily. She's always shown that trait when talking to me.
X
-One more question: We know you aren't able to feel happiness, but do you want to feel it, Ulquiorra Schiffer?
-It's alright. That's not an easy question; I know. You do not have to answer right away. You have some time, Ulquiorra. Meanwhile, why not keep focusing on your goal since you already started?
-I haven't reached an acceptable progress so far.
-Exactly; 'so far'. That's why you can still keep trying. No one expected you to do it perfectly at first. You're doing something completely new to your mind. You've never done anything like it before and I am certainly not giving you any references or bases. Do you realize how remarkable it is that you even assumed the challenge to begin with? Not anyone has the courage to do something new without help; especially when it's something this hard.
-Do you consider this hard?
-You do. That's all that matters.
-I cannot reach her.
-I repeat, you won't get anywhere with your current methods. When a method doesn't work, then you just have to try a different approach.
She refuses to let me give up and thinks that what she says is obvious. I wonder if I would find it obvious if I were human.
X
Ulquiorra, this is a new chance for you.
-A new chance? – He repeated the question while slightly frowning in confusion.
-Yes. – Her smile grew. – You see Ulquiorra, if you continue with your cycle of life in your current state, you will not be happy. Something within you is still unsatisfied; there is something you need to do, something you couldn't do before. This new chance means you can do it.
-What is it that I couldn't do?
-That's a question only you can answer.
-I do not understand.
-You do not need to. Ulquiorra, as we live on, time flows. If you stop by to understand each of your actions you'd be wasting an enormous amount of your life in which you'd be missing different opportunities. Like Kierkegaard said: 'Life can only be understood when looking back, but it can only be lived when looking ahead'.
Does she realize that what she says, though fitting, feels out of place and bemusing at first?
X
-Happiness? – He asked sounding skeptical.
-Yes, Ulquiorra, happiness.
-I am not familiar with such ideology.
-Happiness is not an ideology; it's an emotion.
-I do not live with such emotions. I am a Hollow; therefore I've detached myself from those humane traits.
-Are you sure about that, Ulquiorra?
-Though I can experience anger, among other sensations, I can only do it at low levels that cannot interfere with my thinking. Because of that, I am better than humans.
-Are you sure? – She kept smiling and looking at him with eyes that seemed to know more than him.
-Happiness, sadness, hope, fear. I've read of them all. I am positive I cannot feel such things.
-Very well, if you're positive about it, then I won't argue about it.
X
-What few people know is that emotions and feelings are not the same thing. Feelings are the responses to emotions. Hence, they are, nonetheless, related. What both Orihime – San and I mean is that because you consider most emotions irrational, you do not like to express your own; that is, to show your feelings, which has gotten you dearly handicapped at expressing yourself and has led you to believe you don't have but a few. You think you've let go of most of them a long time ago, when you were a hollow; you say that despite not remembering a thing about those days. Because you deny the existence of your own, you obviously have trouble acknowledging others' as anything else than illogical and useless. But that has given you yet another disadvantage; you cannot empathize if someone else mentions that their reasons are their emotions and feelings. That is why you don't accept her arguments as valid. To be able to understand what she describes, you must be able to imagine it. But not anyone can imagine what they are not familiar with. Because you don't remember having feelings, you aren't familiar with them. That, Ulquiorra, is the root of all your confusion.
X
-I am her capturer and she is the prisoner. Me calling her name would have a psychological effect that would eventually make her conclude I care about her.
-Don't you? – She asked bluntly. – You are trying to understand her, after all. Not being capable of understanding her was your greatest regret at your last moment. You asked her if she feared you twice. Does that not beckon that you wanted her answer to change? Does that not imply that you cared?
I don't doubt she knows more than she's telling me. She always seems to know more about myself than I and she definitely does not hide that fact. I do not know her or understand her, but it seems like she understands me without even trying.
X
-I can assure you that what awaits you after your demise here will not be like that.
-How can you assure it?
-No matter how many times you ask me, I still cannot give you the answer.
X
-She's illogical.
-Uh-uh! – She warned him. – Don't go there again, Ulquiorra Schiffer! I thought it was already clear that this is not about logic. Or are you saying you can find a logic way to explain your current circumstances?
-Are you implying you're not an existence that obeys logic?
-My existence itself is hardly believable, but I find it logical once I remember who I am.
-Who are you?
-You're starting to sound like a broken record; and a very boring one, Ulquiorra. – She complained.
-Then can you tell me what are you?
-I am not really sure in which group I'd fall into. I can only confirm what you already suspect. I am not a common being. I am neither human, shinigami, hollow or Arrancar…I'm not a Bount either.
-A Bount?
-Are you familiar with them?
-No but I have read about them.
-Heh? And they're supposed to be confidential. Soul Society shouldn't take pride in their security system like they do.
-That system cannot counteract Aizen's influence.
-That is true.
-How is it that you know of them?
-I simply know a lot of things. – She grinned.
I never grow tired of asking who that woman could possibly be.
X
-There is no difference. – He stated monotonically.
-Yes there is. – She assumed a more serious tone. – A name is important; if it weren't, then no one would bother naming their children and pets. Being called by our names by the people we care about makes us feel good inside. – Her subtle grin appeared. – Do you like her name, Ulquiorra?
-Do I like her name?
-Who are you talking to? – Nnoitra asked him
Ulquiorra turned to his front and realized the mysterious woman was no longer standing in front of him. She had disappeared.
X
He took another book and opened it in a random page, where what he found read:
Yare, yare… Feeling rebellious, Ulquiorra? One wouldn't think this coming from you. But it just so happens I'm not 'one'. The punishment for rebels is to amuse me. That is why, dear Ulquiorra, you either get out of this room in ten seconds or something amusing will happen. Of course, only I will find it amusing. It'll be a bit of a different story for you. ^^
She has unusual powers I have never heard of. She is unlike any existing creature I know of. Not to mention her threats hardly sound believable…Though they are.
X
She sighed.
-Heavens, you are helpless, Ulquiorra! Look through the obvious! The mere fact that you had a reaction to her words at all tells you something!
…The fact that I had a reaction in the first place?
-Exactly! – The woman with the ability to read minds exclaimed with exaggerated body language. – Ulquiorra, why do you insist on worrying me thus much?
She always expresses herself in a way that signals I am not a stranger to her. To her, I am a close relationship. Or rather, was, when I was alive.
X
-You disappoint me, Ulquiorra. – Her whispered words felt like a dagger in the middle of his forehead.
She turned on her heel. Without facing him, she continued:
-Stubbornness does not lead anywhere, you know? – Her words sounded hurt.
Just how had he hurt her? Was that even possible? Was it within his power to hurt that woman?
He observed her walking away slowly.
-Think about what it meant for her that you called her trash. – She said without turning to look at him.
He extended his arm in her direction, but before he could ask her anything else, she turned around a corner and disappeared from sight. He wouldn't find her anymore.
That time, I hurt her. I still don't know how I did it but I hurt her. That can only be explained by her caring about what I said. She wouldn't care if I were a stranger to her.
X
-Why do you believe in me?
-I cannot help believing in you. You believed in me in the past, even though everything signaled against it. One day, I realized I simply began believing you were a great man. That image of your living self might seem like it contrasts who you are this moment. But I don't think that is so. I cannot believe that who you were just disappeared. True, people change. But I just know that you are still there. Yes, that is only what I want to believe. Yet, even after all I've seen this far in this test called 'second chance', I have no doubts you are still the one I met. I can't but believe in you.
What was my relationship with her in the past? How come she remembers it if she is, I assume, a dead soul?
X
-We are all different! – She exclaimed. – We all have differences among ourselves but we have to learn to live with them. Nobody will ever change that fact. And, I just highlighted for you one thing you and her have in common as Aizen's prisoners. I believe in you. So why can't you believe in yourself?
X
-That should be the least of your worries. – She said with scolding harshness.
-Just what do you want me to do, woman? – He said defiant.
She stared at him. He could tell she was struggling to control herself. She was getting mad at him.
-Just what do you think we've been doing all along, Ulquiorra Schiffer?! – She shouted at him.
Woman, just why are you trying so hard for me, to return this 'favor'?
X
-How come I don't feel as your prisoner? Your words barely make sense even though they are not illogical and show reasoning behind them.
She smiled. This smile was not like any he had seen in her before. She looked like a different person. Oddly, that smile also felt familiar. Why? – He wondered.
All of a sudden, he felt as a couple of arms embraced him.
-What are you doing woman? – He whispered huskily.
-I am certain you know what a hug is, Ulquiorra.
-Why are you hugging me?
-Because I feel like it.
X End of Flashbacks X
Woman, just what am I supposed to think of you?
'Woman' is not my name, Ulquiorra. – His mind repeated that line, which he had heard countless times in all possible ways.
Come to think of it, she has asked me so many times not to call her 'woman' but she has not once told me her name… I don't understand her.
-Did I ever tell you to understand me, Ulquiorra Schiffer? – The woman of her thoughts asked.
He turned to her.
She wore a black coat that reached her knees, a white scarf and black flat boots with adorning buckle that reached her coat's limit.
-As flattered as you make me feel, I did not send you here to think about me, Ulquiorra. – She told him.
He stared at her blankly. She wanted to raise an eyebrow.
-You covering yourself like that makes me conclude you're cold.
She ended up raising her left eyebrow with a grin while laughing. Her laughter sounded heartfelt and familiar. The reason for the strange familiarity he felt about her, though, was still beyond him.
She calmed down and looked at him with a smile.
-Ulquiorra, you should be using your questions to understand Orihime – San, not me. She is your goal, remember?
-But I am curious about you too. – He frowned slightly. - I know I cannot ask you who or what you are, but can I not know anything about you?
She smiled while looking at him in a way he could not recognize. He didn't know she was moved.
-Unlike you, I am not used to cold weather. I can handle fine downstairs but here the cold air hits hard. – She answered. – Plus, the place I come from is warm most of the time. I cannot lose a chance like this to wear my winter clothes.
He knew it. She knew he liked cold weather…
-I admit you have surprised me. To take a sudden interest in asking me questions about myself was unexpected. – She giggled.
-Can I ask about the place you come from?
She turned to him and, smiling apologetically, shook her head.
-I see. – He said before turning to contemplate the magnificent view. – Then, there is one more thing I need to ask you.
-If I can answer it, I'll answer it. If I cannot, I won't. – She said while observing the sea of sand dunes below.
-Woman, what is your name?
She slowly turned her head to meet his emerald eyes. Her face was utterly baffled.
-Oh. My. God… Hallelujah!! – She exclaimed glorious.
Ulquiorra turned to her with shock unveiled in his pale visage. He needed to blink as he saw her pulling out a pocket watch.
-Do you have any idea of how long it took you to ask me such a common question, Ulquiorra Schiffer?
She looked as if she were suppressing laughter, causing Ulquiorra to furrow his eyebrows.
-One would expect better from you. But, like I said to you before, I am not 'one'.
She grinned in a manner he was starting to find annoying. Then, he was surprised when the grin faded. She looked at him apologetically while staring at him in silence.
-I'm sorry. I am happy you finally asked, you know? But, I'm afraid I cannot let you know my name just yet.
He stared at her in disbelief. She wasn't kidding.
-Then, why, all this time, have you been whining each time I called you 'woman'?
-Because that is not necessarily the only way you can call me. You could've asked me for a way to address me. Even if it's not my name, it is far better than being addressed as 'woman', a noun you'd give to absolutely any other female, even perfect strangers.
Ulquiorra closed his eyes after listening.
-I do not understand you.
-I never asked you to. – She smiled. – And you won't for a while. But don't think too much about it, Ulquiorra. In the end, everything will be clear.
-Everything?
-Yes, everything. – She assured. – In the meantime, call me… - She paused to exchange an honest gaze with him. – 'S'.
-'S'? – He asked, sounding almost skeptical as if she was serious.
-Yes, 'S'. – She nodded.
The way in which she nodded, looking jovial in his eyes for the first time and with her cheeks flushing pink, he knew she was speaking wholeheartedly. More intriguingly, she wore an air of innocence that instant. Ulquiorra was beyond bemused about it. He wouldn't have thought that in her, an enigmatic someone who had done so many things he had considered indecent, spoke so straightforwardly and even sarcastically at times and had the ability to see through things with ease, innocence would look suiting.
-S… - Ulquiorra tried saying it out loud.
She turned to him smiling jovially. He stared at her looking dumbfounded as he looked at her too. Her reaction was to laugh and then nodded, as if telling him he had pronounced that letter correctly.
-Why don't you try laughing too, Ulquiorra? – She asked him all of a sudden.
He looked at her blankly. Yes, he knew she had already proven he could have emotions, but expressing them outwardly did not seem plausible in his mind.
-Laugh? – He limited himself to repeat the question.
-Laughing at oneself is a good thing.
-How can an act short of intelligence be a good thing?
She sighed.
-I've said it and I'll say it again. Ulquiorra Schiffer, you're helpless. And you're pushing my patience's limits. Laughing at onerself is actually an act that shows maturity. Rather than holding grudges for those that laugh, as long as they are not really mocking you, it is good to show them you know how to laugh too. It is also part of processing and accepting whatever happened that caused others to laugh. Because it happened and we cannot go back in time and change it.
-That doesn't sound convincing when you say it. – He replied.
She laughed again, more loudly this time. She turned to him afterwards.
-Do you realize you just told a joke? – She asked with a raised eyebrow.
-I did not. I merely pointed out an observation, woman…S. – He furrowed his brow when he corrected the last part of his statement.
-There we go. – S chuckled. – It's only a matter of getting used to say it; something that would be unnecessary if only you had the habit of asking the names of the people that help you out and whose patience you really test, Ulquiorra.
He didn't say anything. He knew she was right, as usual, and he had no way of reproaching her for saying it.
-It would be nice to hear you laugh at least every so often, Ulquiorra. Laughing, as a matter of fact, is good for the health.
-Laugh? – He asked for the second time.
-Yes, Ulquiorra Schiffer, laugh. You know already you can have emotions. What makes you doubt as if you'd be capable of turning them into feelings as you express them outwardly?
-I have never laughed.
-You cannot say that with full certainty. – She said serious.
S turned to see the moon above them. Ulquiorra, for one brief moment, felt he had seen her face looking at the moon like that before.
Déjà vu? – He thought. – Ridiculous. That cannot be it…
-Do you know why I came here? - She asked him without looking at him.
-I do not. – He replied bluntly while looking at the same white moon she saw.
-Well, you were rude to Orihime – San when you just left before. Don't you think it's about time you go and continue the talk where you left off?
-I am not sure as to what to say to her. I am yet to think about it. – Even his voice spelled he was reluctant to go.
-Why does it still cost you so much to step into that room? – She asked him while looking at him intensely, a look he could neither escape from nor lie to.
-I do not know.
He didn't like to say those four words together. Ulquiorra liked the feeling of certainty when he spoke, a luxury he had not had since that woman, S, just showed up in his life without any warning with a stage light on top of her, making her impossible to miss by him.
She nodded. Was she seriously satisfied with an 'I do not know'? He had not imagined that from her.
-You should get going.
-What am I spposed to say to her? I have no idea. – He spoke like an open book, an effect she had on him.
She laughed yet again. He looked at her scowling.
-You have no idea? Ulquiorra, just know, you started a conversation with me!
-What do you mean by that…S?
Well, he was at least trying to call her by something other than 'woman', that was enough to make S happy for the moment.
This was a nice and nostalgic feeling for her, but, as nice as it was, she knew what her priorities were. She resumed the old facial gestures and expressions Ulquiorra was very familiar with.
-You said you noted I was cold. – She said. – Something as simple as that, Ulquiorra, is more than enough. Just ask her things about herself, things that will help you get to know her better.
He stared at the moon in deep pondering, trying to make sense of her words.
-May I ask for examples? – He asked.
S sighed.
-'What is your favorite color?', 'What kind of music do you like to hear?', 'Do you have any hobbies?', 'Do you prefer to read novels or manga?'… The possibilities are endless, Ulquiorra. Use your imagination. 'Do you like cold weather?' is a good start, you know?
-I see no need for me to know any of that information. All of it is irrelevant. It's illogical to ask such things for they would serve no purpose.
-Ulquiorra, you're gonna be the death of my nerves. – She exaggerated with her hands on her hips. – What had we said about illogical stuff before? Gee. Look, not everything in life looks important and not everything that looks important is important in reality. Even when something is irrelevant, it still is something, and it would help you get a better idea of what kind of person she is.
-I'll try then… - He replied.
S had to blink repeatedly. She thought he'd show more resistance, like he always did. Perhaps she wasn't the only one out of character that night.
Regardless, she nodded satisfied.
-Just remember Kierkegaard. – She said. – 'Life can only be understood when looking back but it can only be lived when looking ahead'.
Yeah, her quotes feel awkward whenever she cites them. – He thought, forgetting the lady next to him could read thoughts.
-How dare you?! – She asked hyperbolizing her offense. – My citing of quotes is just fine, thank you very much. – She furrowed her brow. – Now, you've stalled enough up here. Get going already!
With a snap of her fingers, Ulquiorra disappeared in a 'poof'. He had been sent a few stories down, right in front of a human girl's door.
She sighed. Seriously, he's a handful.
Immediately after thinking that, she relaxed and smiled widely..
She lifted the scarf below her chin and touched her necklace's crescent shaped ruby pendant more dearly than a rosary.
I'm so relieved… Ulquiorra, I am so relieved that it was not just what I wanted to believe! I knew that, deeply, you were still the man I met. Right now, you were so much like the you I remember! You're still there… I cannot give up. I will do this, Ulquiorra! I'm going to bring you back! Ulquiorra, this shall be my payment to you for saving me before, but I know I'll still feel I owe you, even after this all. Ulquiorra, I wish you and Orihime – San the best with all my heart, which I will use to accomplish this mission… I promise.
Before going ahead and eavesdrop on those two, S looked up at the moon again. Few ever notice the moon in Hueco Mundo never looks the same despite the fact that it never sets. She grinned, part of her still in memory lane.
-The moon tonight, it looks much like the Human Realm's moon looked that night. – She whispered.
I realize the 'new material' in this chapter is actually quite short. No, it is not because I lack inspiration. I wanted to do this to point out some important things about S. Yes! My OC has a name; she's had one all along! XD Writing about her should be easier for me now that I have finally revealed her name. (Well, part of it.)