Yh I've been away for a while…but I'm back now! :P Here's a chap for all the lovely readers out there.

Telling

My mind is racing.

I knew at one point throughout this whole ordeal I'll have to tell someone, because that's what you get once you tell the world such a thing has been done to you, that a stranger has put you in a terrible position, which not even a wolf can get out of. But does it have to be now? Do I have to explain at this very hour?

I want to tell him. I really do, then I can get rid this heavy burden. But when I tell him, what do I say? Do I give the name of the person who did this to me, do I describe him?

I don't know what man did this to me, but in a mysterious way I do. I recognize his body shape, the voice he held and most of all, the most intricate detail, I know for sure his not a man but a vampire. But even if I do tell Jacob, what would come from it. There are vampires all over, all over the world and maybe even beyond. It will be like looking for a needle in a hay stack, even if I do find the best vampire tracker. Besides, I doubt Jake will run around the world crossing rivers and seas for me. And even if he does, what will be done then, will they fight? Kill? It won't make a difference, because what's done is done and can't ever be undone. But like I said before, I doubt anyone would do such a thing for me. I've never been kind to anyone, there was a time when I was gentle, sweet and kind like Emily, but that side of me is gone. As the wolf came along, sweet Leah disappeared and another appeared.

No one would never want to help me because they have nothing to give back, through their eyes, I'm probably just a bitter harpy who got what was coming to her.

"Lee" I hear Jacob's voice snap me out of concentration, bringing me back to reality. I look at him and his face looks hopeful like he might actually get answer from me.

Well, sadly his not.

"Look Jacob, can't we just drop this. I don't want to talk about this…it's too soon" My voice dimmed to towards the end of the sentence. It wasn't too soon to talk about this. In my eyes, no matter what day it was going to be, the second day or twenty years after, it wasn't going to make a difference, I was always going to feel like this, like a pile of shit.

"Leah, you're going to have to talk about this sooner or later you might as well make it now, get it over" His eyebrows elevated, just another hopeful feature on his face. I sighed and closed my eyes for second then re-opened them slowly as if I might magically appear somewhere else and in someone else's body so I wasn't Leah no more, so I couldn't't live this horrible nightmare which wasn't a nightmare at all.

"Please Lee…" he begged "it'll make you feel better; well that's what people say once you get something of your chest…" He took hold of my hands "please…" I pulled my hands back.

"Don't" was all I said. I didn't't want him touching me; I didn't't want anyone touching me. He looked away for brief second before looking back to me.

"You will have to tell me eventually, you will have to tell someone eventually…otherwise there's no point in telling us you were…"he paused not able to get the word out. "y'know" he said scratching the back of his neck

"Raped." I finished for him. I don't know why I was able to say it so freely when Jacob couldn't't.

"Yeah…" he said "that"

I walked over to my window and sat down on the small seating area and looked outside. The day was dark now, looked chilly and to be honest quite scary, at times like this I was glad I had a roof over my head. "What if I told you who did this to me, what would you do?" I felt him come over to stand behind me.

"I'll…hunt him down" his voice sounded dark. I turned around. Questioning his judgment I said "why? I've never been good to you, I'm a bitch you've said that yourself on several occasions, he hasn't hurt you. Besides I'm not worth revenging for." I spat slightly.

I watched his face turn from quite dark to slightly hurt.

"That was before these few months…were friends right, and by hurting you he's hurt all of us, and anyways I don't think I'll be able to sleep at night knowing his out there hunting girls down like foxes, treating them like…shit. I'm your alpha Leah; I should have been looking after you, not acting like an idiot with the guys. I should have walked you home if you was desperate to leave or convinced you stay for a little while. If I had acted better maybe this wouldn't of n…" I cut him off. I'm sick of the should of's, could of's and what if's. What's done is done; I just have to deal with it.

"Stop it, it's not your fault. I've been a bad person these couple of years, had it coming to me…" just like I cut Jacob off, Jacob cut me off.

"No you stop it" he said sharply.

"Stop talking rubbish. Stop acting like this shit is karma or something. These things… they shouldn't't happen to people not matter how you act. End of story."

It fell silent after that. The room fell completely silent. All you can hear is the muffled sounds of our heartbeats.

When it's quite your mind is free to think, and it brings up shit you don't want to hear or think. Noise is good. Noise muffles your mind babbles, and if the noise is at a curtain level, than your minds tends to shut up and concentrate on the noise around you, picking out all different types of instruments; which produce the noise. And when it gets to that point when your mind sends a message to your mouth telling it to say "I can't think!" and then the instruments seem to shut up and let your mind replay it's memories again. So, noise is good, noise is very good.

I get up from my windowsill and walk over to the music player my dad brought me a while back. I remember being obsessed about getting a music player for months, after being round Emily's, and then one evening my dad came home holding this huge box and on one of its face was a huge red bow with a pink tag attached, reading; to my love Leah, I hope this brings all the music to your ears as you bring music to mine. I was 15 then. I remember Seth complaining about how unfair it was that he didn't get a present, then my dad coming home a week later dragging a bike. I and Mum laughed about that for days because he only brought it to shut him up. And how all the neighbours complained about how much a "racket" I made. When my dad died I never played that music player again.

Until now.

I switched on the plug and grabbed a random Cd from my rack and placed it in the Cd slot. Turning the volume on to full blast, there came a huge intro to Alicia Keys 'Karma', a bit Ironic really. I didn't't care that it was touching ten at night. I didn't't care that my ears were begging me to turn it down. I just didn't't care.

"What are you doing!" I could just about here Jacob scream above the music. With his long strides he raced to the music system to turn the music down. Beginning at a banging hundred the music downed to a low three, barley a whisper.

"Why the hell did you do that?" Just after Jacob spoke my Mum blared into the room looking quite frightened followed by Seth who just looked oblivious.

"Leah?" My mum asked. Un-emotional I answered "I just felt like listening to music."I looked around the room. My mum face was mirroring Seth's, complete worry that I've might have gone completely crazy or maybe they're just confused. Which I doubt.

They all have that face I expected to see.

Pity.

Their all sorry for something they had nothing to do with. Their all sympathetic!. I've always have hated sympathy, even when I was a child, whenever I got a cut and my mum giving the 'oh! Sweet baby' blab I just simply rolled my eyes. I hate sympathy, pity. I hate life. I walked out of my bedroom without a word and entered the bathroom. Shutting the door shut, I slammed down the toilet seat so I could sit down. The seat was cold from the cold breeze seeping through the barley open window. It felt good on my super-heated skin cooling my thighs slightly. I could hear the slightly harsh whisper Seth threw at Jacob through the wall. "What did you say to her?" And the lifeless answer Jacob replied with "nothing, I said nothing."

I got up from the toilet seat and turned on the cold tap. The water was surprisingly warm to begin with than suddenly went cold. Ironically that sort of resembled me, at my peak and then suddenly slopping down the mountain. Splashing the cold water on my face to cool down my super-heated skin, I looked into the mirror. I looked like a mess, hair static, face bogged, blood shot eyes, and I had the works. But this just makes me think, what did he see in me? I'm just this girl that wasn't girly enough and unfortunately transformed into a big beast. Life isn't for me. I'm not worthy enough for life. I bet I was one of those angles in heaven who surprising got an 'scholarship' to earth, and got here by luck, for free. I wasn't originally meant for this.

And just as my mind wonders off thinking a knock is heard on the door. And I know my times up, and I have this crazy thought that maybe telling them would make things easier.

.... :P

Xxlilmisstrouble