Escaping the Pain

He left the house in a daze, wandering aimlessly along the dirt path until towering trees swallowed his body into the woods. The wind was steady and blew random leaves through the air as he traveled, and a few of the loose ones tickled his arms as they passed him on the way. There was no specific destination in mind, but he knew he had to free himself from the wooden edifice that had become his prison. Thoughts were mostly incoherent, vacillating in and out of focus like a faulty film reel, and he suddenly wondered if he was nearing some kind of breakdown.

A large section of brown rope hit him in the face suddenly and startled him. His pace stopped abruptly and he stared at a nearby tree as the uneasiness settled into his body. As he squinted his eyes he realized the culprit was his hair, but this discovery made the breakdown more plausible. When he blinked his eyes the tree he was staring at came back into focus, and he watched as the loose leaves danced in random patterns at the base of it. Why were they there in the first place? Leaves don't dance, do they? Where they trying to send him some kind of message?

"Stop it, Yoh," he whispered abruptly as he briefly closed his eyes.

That's right, Yoh. Leaves don't dance, and you sound crazy.

"Shut up," he groaned as he continued his walk.

A cool sensation overwhelmed him suddenly as the wind changed its pattern and pace. He was certain there would be no rain, but now he began to second guess this affirmation. A small clearing approached and he stopped walking to stare at the grass. As the wind fluttered through the blades he sat at the base of a large tree and folded his legs beneath him. He needed to clear his head somehow, but for some reason he couldn't remember how to perform this task.

That's because you're a nut case.

"I'm not crazy," he sighed, "Leave me alone."

Yes you are, and everyone knows it. Why do you think no one talks to you? Tamao's the only one because she has to marry you. Pirika locks her bedroom door every night, Ren pretends he doesn't see you, and Horo speaks to you only long enough to stop you from following him. Accept it and you can move on.

Yoh stared at the peaceful swaying of the grass and exhaled deeply. He needed to find his purpose again, but his thoughts clouded his judgment for so long he couldn't seem to force his brain into submission. As he closed his eyes, he clenched his teeth and clutched his knees with his hands. The frustration seemed permanent, and he desperately wanted to feel better.

You're thinking about her again.

"No, I'm not," he whispered.

Anna's not coming back. Why can't you let it go? That's why you're driving yourself crazy. You know that, right? She made her choice, and you need to move on.

He opened his eyes and stared at the grass again with a fatigued expression.

And what happened to all that crap you told Tamao? You say you want to be a good husband and make it work? She doesn't want a psycho for a husband, Yoh.

"Shut up," he pleaded as he held his hands over his ears.

I'm surprised she's still marrying you after all the crap you put her through. You think she hasn't thought about you being angry? You think she's not afraid of you snapping?

"I'm fine," he growled.

Really? Don't lie to yourself, Yoh. You're afraid too. Admit it. That's why you started this new reflection story. You keep telling everyone things are different. You keep telling Tamao things are different. You're going to keep saying that until you believe it. You're not fooling anybody, Yoh. You're not fooling me.

"SHUT UP!!" He screamed.

"Yoh?"

Her frail voice startled him, and he trembled as he opened his eyes. Tamao was standing a few feet in front of him and although her tone was littered with worry, her expression revealed her fear.

"Who are you talking to?" She asked timidly.

Yoh scanned the surrounding trees slowly and then dropped his head and stared into his lap. He hadn't made a habit of talking to himself until recently, and sometimes the conversations were deeply unsettling. But now he was frustrated because he knew the behavior appeared unstable, especially to Tamao. He didn't want to look at her, knowing she would have to pretend to be unaffected by his outburst, and he dropped his hands loosely in his lap.

Tamao sat beside him in the same position and stared at her legs. She waited several moments before gently resting her head on his shoulder, and he didn't resist her.

"I'm fine," he said weakly.

"No you're not," she replied softly, "But , we'll get there."

They sat in silence staring at the grass, and Yoh exhaled heavily and closed his eyes.

"Do you need to go back to the house?" Tamao asked worriedly.

"No," he sighed, "This is fine."

She wanted to respond but he continued.

"I'll meet you back there."

Tamao assumed this was an invitation for her to leave, and realized he didn't want her there. She smiled weakly and was grateful he was polite with this revelation.

"Okay," she said softly as she kissed him on the cheek, "Don't stay out here too long."

"I won't."

What am I going to wear? This dress is absolutely hideous! But, I guess it can't be as bad as that green one I got from Mother. That was awful...

I hate you. I hate you so much. Why won't you just die already?

I wonder if they'll notice me here if I turn to the right. Crap, she saw me...

Why won't he notice me? Why can't he see she doesn't love him? I love him so much! Oh, if only I could just-

Anna's not coming back, you idiot. I know you're smarter than this.

There's something wrong with Ren. I know it. I know it's something. But, why won't he tell me?

He's losing it. What am I going to do?

She curled into a tight ball on the floor and buried her face into the pillow she had been clutching with her hands. Blond locks were sprawled over the floor in chaotic patterns and her beige dress was pinned beneath her hip. Her body trembled involuntarily, and she clenched her teeth from the unbearable noise.

"You can't control it now because you're stressed," He said calmly.

She sat upright quickly when she heard his voice, and her hair fell limply into her face, "I know that, Hao."

"We can do something about it," he sighed, "But, you won't like it."

"I'm going for a walk," she said abruptly as she rose to her feet and threw the pillow onto the bed.

"I'll go with you," he replied.

"I want to be alone," she said blankly.

He didn't reply and allowed her to leave without restraint.

The sunlight startled her when she stepped outside, and she hesitated a few moments as her eyes adjusted to the new light. Trees swayed in front of her with the cool breeze, and she exhaled before stepping onto the dirt path. She had no idea where she wanted to go or even if she wanted to be out there in the first place; but the thoughts were unbearable to her now and she needed some peace.

Regret lingered in the back of her mind the farther she traveled away from the house. Hao had been very kind to her, which caught her deeply off guard, but she couldn't stop herself from lashing out at every possible opportunity. Anna knew he wasn't the reason she was sad. She knew none of her anger and frustration was his fault. She was beginning to wonder why he was putting up with her in the first place.

I just need some time. I can do this. I'm okay.

Anna didn't want to concentrate much on the random thoughts that were disturbing her mind, but for some reason she couldn't shake the male voice. Her pace increased, and the leaves fluttered around her feet like butterflies as she approached a clearing.

Anna?

She increased her pace to a jog, hoping to ignore the noise.

Anna.

But, the closer she came to the clearing, the louder it became. She covered her ears and frowned.

Anna!

"Stop it!" She yelled as she fell to her knees. Her hands were still clutched over her ears and she closed her eyes from the painful sound.

"Anna?"

She didn't realize she wasn't alone until she heard his gentile voice. As she dropped her hands abruptly into her lap and opened her eyes, she was able to see him sitting against the base of a tree. He stood slowly and took a few steps toward her, and she rose to her feet quickly and briefly held her breath.

"Yoh," she replied weakly.