27. Haunted

My recharge was frequently interrupted by nightmares, the shock thrusting me back into the waking world. I revisited those vorns with Ratbat each time I shuttered my optics. Lack of proper recharge made me testy, prone to angry outbursts.

The Constructicons conducted their repairs over the span of an orbit. Though my physical condition improved, I still felt unclean: Ratbat's taint remained. I avoided physical contact and kept away from large crowds and public areas. I confined myself to my rooms and the medbay.

I wanted to see Apis again, but I hesitated. What if she'd forgotten all about me? What if she'd given me up for terminated and moved on, found someone else? Or worse, what if Ratbat's whispers had been true, and she wouldn't want anything to do with me after what he'd done? Not yet, I decided. Not yet.

Hook pronounced me fit to return to my duties after an orbit under his inspection. I recharged poorly the night before, waking every megacycle. Each time I had to convince myself that Ratbat was gone, that I'd crushed his Spark in my hand, that I was free and safe.

There was only one way to end it – I had to finish the job as Starscream had meant to; I had to eliminate the Senate, utterly destroy the Autobots' leadership.

This included the one who had left me there, who had allowed it to happen. The one who hadn't fought to save me, too lost in his tangled morality to even try. A hot surge of anger swelled in my Spark as I thought about it. Optimus had abandoned me. For all his preaching, for all his words, he'd thrown me to the Senate.

I drank an extra cube of energon to make up for the recharge I had lost, then headed to the command center. The Decepticons I passed knew to keep their distance; they nodded respectfully and murmured greetings, backing off.

The command center's usual bustle quieted as everyone saw me, but I motioned them back to their business. The generals waited on the upper level. I saw familiar faces around the table – Stryka was there, as well as Flamewar and a battered Trannis. I couldn't help but notice the missing face… Starscream would never participate in a strategy meeting again.

There were new mechs here as well. Skywarp, who had never often stayed for something so dull, remained at my request – I'd asked him to be my Air Commander.

"I won't be as good as Starscream," he'd answered glumly.

"You've been in his trine for astrocycles," I pointed out. "You know what to do. I don't." When I said this, my Spark had briefly clenched with realization: I would be the trineleader now.

Along with Skywarp, I saw other mechs who had only been up-and-comers when I'd been here last, former lieutenants who had risen through the ranks. Among them I saw Ramrod, standing behind Trannis and watching me with a mixture of concern and apprehension.

I'd made a point of avoiding Ramrod during my recovery. I still wasn't sure whether I could trust him, whether Ratbat had told the truth. Part of me knew that Ratbat had been trying to separate me from all that kept me sane, but the other part couldn't suppress its distrust.

I should have had him taken to the brig until we determined the truth. I opened my mouth to give the order, but something stopped me. I wanted to trust him… I needed to trust someone.

"Welcome back, Commander," Flamewar offered.

"Thank you," I answered, sitting down. I tried a smile – all I managed was a twitch in my mouthplates, a bitter grimace. "What have I missed?"

I sat quietly while they told me. We had failed to take the Tagan Heights, and Praxus had declared itself Neutral. Under Starscream's command, the Decepticons had pressed northward, destroying Helex and Tyrest. This didn't distress me. They deserved to die. They must all suffer for what they had done to me.

"We'll finish them at Kalis," I said. "They're half-defeated already. But in the meantime, something must be done about the Senate. We'll eliminate them once and for all. Without their leadership, the Autobots will be helpless."

"They'll rally around Prime."

"Then we'll finish him too."

There was shifting around the table. Nobody spoke against me.

"Also…" I'd remembered something. "I want a new weapon. Something to even the balance. If the Senate wants to fight dirty, we'll play their game. Sabot rounds. I want them used as soon as possible."

"Uh… Nova?" I looked at Skywarp, who squirmed uncomfortably. "I mean… you've seen what those things, uh, do."

"And?" I said coolly. I had seen the effects of the sabot slugs, the way they'd melted through Starscream's armor and torn his internals to pieces.

"It will be done," Shockwave said.

"How many senators can we find?" I asked.

"Most," Soundwave said. He had been silent for the majority of the meeting. "The rest will be located."

"As soon as possible."

We adjourned shortly. It had tired me more than I'd remembered – I wanted to get back to my quarters and recharge, if I could. I headed out of the command center.

"Nova. Nova, wait."

Ramrod's voice. I hesitated, glancing over my shoulder… a mistake. Just seeing him brought back the memory of Ratbat's words, his promise that Torsion remained an Autobot spy – I didn't want to believe it, but I did.

"Do you…" He struggled with himself, then shrugged helplessly. "Do you want to spar?"

Don't trust him. He'll probably deactivate you if you give him the chance.

"Maybe another time," I lied, before turning my back on him. I couldn't put myself at his mercy yet. Too close were my memories of the physical dominance of Ratbat and his guards. I wasn't as sure of my abilities as I had once been. My creator had been the greatest gladiator of Kaon, I had bested Starscream in a duel… yet I felt weak now, as though my former strength had melted away under Ratbat's treatment.

I lay on my berth, staring at the ceiling, but I couldn't bring myself to shutter my optics. Two decacycles, several skirmishes, and the deaths of five Senators hadn't eased my nightmares; every time I drifted into recharge I was back with Ratbat, his hands, his hungry Spark, his poisonous whispers.

"You'll never escape me," he purred. "Never. Who will want you now?"

I jolted awake, realizing only then that I'd dropped off. I seemed always on the verge of stasis lately, unable to stay in recharge despite the exhaustion. In the past I'd been able to work out stress during my spars with Ramrod, but I still hadn't been able to face him. Skywarp had been training with me instead, but each time I hit the ground, I'd be transported back to the lashrack, or back under the pedes of Ratbat's guards, enduring their savage kicks and their cruel laughter, seeing their blue optics alight with cruel mirth—

Again I woke, shaking, my Spark pulsing out of control. Frustrated, I got up and fetched myself a cube of energon, sipping it as I paced my quarters.

Even the assassinations hadn't cheered me. The first had been almost boring; I'd insisted on going along even into the core of Autobot territory, to Altihex. The senators, three of them, had met in an estate. We'd shrieked in from above and I'd seen the lavish surroundings, the soft cushions, alien drapes, delicate flutes of high-grade energon.

How dare you?! I demanded inwardly. How dare you sit here in luxury while we must scrape for energon?!

I registered each face as the blue optics stared up at us in horror. This was it – the face of the corruption against which I fought – the sheer evil of the Senate.

Ratbat's face was superimposed over each of them.

"How many times do I have to kill you?" I snarled, half to myself.

I felt nothing as they died, not sorrow, not guilt, not even satisfaction. The backlash from the solid slugs had taken some getting used to, but I grew accustomed to it. The added bonus of the armor-melting shells was well worth the additional effort.

The smoke burned my sensitive vents and I heard sirens, but I was slow to move. I stood staring at the grey shells as alarms clamored. Three mechs closer to my revenge… not enough. It wasn't nearly enough to achieve peace. Only the destruction of the Senate would assure security… perhaps it would take more than that.

"Nova," Skywarp urged. "We should leave."

"I know," I said, but I wasn't looking at him; I still watched the corpses. Gray and unmoving, just as they had been when they hit the ground.

There was a touch on my waist, an arm slipping around me, pulling me hard against armor.

"Did you think you were rid of me?" Ratbat murmured. "Foolish slave. You are mine."

My cube of energon shattered at my pedes, again jolting me back to the here and now. There was no one else in the room; the only sounds that broke the silence were my quick intakes and the faint trickle of spilled energon.

Yet I still felt him, a prickle on the fringes of my awareness, the echo of his voice. I spun around – no one was there. My empty quarters stared back at me.

I looked down at the broken cube, kneeling to gather the pieces.

Would I be haunted by Ratbat's remnants for the rest of my life? I couldn't survive this way. I had to crush him, to wipe him out completely. I had to eliminate the Senate, destroy all traces of Ratbat and his allies.

But the sneaking suspicion kept nagging at me… what if it wasn't enough?

"Nova?"

I nearly dropped the shards of the cube in surprise. It was only Skywarp looking in through the connecting door. "Are you all right?"

I indicated the spilled energon. "I just dropped a cube. I'm fine."

"Okay."

I went back to my task. Moments later, the purple Seeker joined me on hands and knees, sopping up the energon with a cleaning cloth. After I'd deposited the shards in the waste, he spoke up again.

"Are you sure you're all right, Nova?"

My defenses rose. "I'm fine. Why?"

Skywarp shrugged. "It's just… I know it's not easy. Getting over… things."

"I'm fine," I insisted, heat rising to my plating. What was he implying? That I was distracted? If anything, I had become more focused on my goal of breaking the Autobot domination of our homeworld.

"I mean… I know how it is. If you ever want to talk, I'm always around."

"What do you care?" I snapped, rounding on him. He barely flinched – Starscream's rages had been more impressive. "What would you know? You've never been though what I have. You couldn't possibly—!"

I forced myself to stop. "I'm… I'm sorry, 'Warp."

Skywarp shrugged. "I've heard worse." He sat on the berth, patting the space beside him. "Come here. Let's talk."

I sat next to him, tapping my fingers on my knees.

"I might not be as good at this stuff as Starscream." Skywarp's voice was bleak. I glanced over at him and saw in his face the same deep, numbing emptiness that Starscream's death had left in my own Spark.

Skywarp hadn't been there with Ratbat, but neither had I lived through the loss of two bondmates.

"I miss him," I confessed at last. "I need him more than ever."

"I know. I miss both of them." Skywarp reached out to lay an arm across my shoulders. Even that contact made me nervous. "Screamer had some big plans for you. Even if he didn't show it a lot, he thought you were the best thing that could have happened to us. He had all these ideas…"

He sighed through his vents. There was silence. I felt the aching void Starscream had left in my Spark.

"I'm sorry," I said at last. "It's my fault. He died protecting me. I could have—"

"Don't start that," Skywarp interrupted. "Don't even think about it. It wasn't your fault, Nova. Starscream did what he wanted to. It was his choice. You couldn't have stopped him if you'd tried."

I wasn't sure whether I believed him; guilt still gnawed at me.

"Nova… how long has it been since you've had a decent recharge?"

"It's all right."

Skywarp looked suspicious. "You've been offline on your landing struts lately. Is it sky-hunger? Have you been flying as often as you should?"

"You're not my creator," I snapped, then felt instantly remorseful at the stricken look on his face – he could have been, he or Thundercracker should have been my creator. "I'm sorry. I've gone flying every orn."

It was true. I'd been out of the base, flying about, but no matter how often I flew my restlessness stayed. I returned to the ground feeling just as upset and three times as tired.

Skywarp nodded, skeptical. "All right." A silence. "You're lonely, aren't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You haven't been hanging out with your friend Ramrod. And you haven't been to see Apis, either. You hardly talk to anyone and you don't stay around crowds. You're always alone."

"I prefer my space."

"You have to interact, Nova. Reach out. If you don't face it, you'll never get around this… thing. Trust me. Trust your Decepticons."

"I wish I could," I said. Skywarp didn't answer.

I had to do something about my recharge cycle. Those memories of Ratbat were driving me slowly insane; I needed to be mentally and physically fit if I were to lead effectively.

There was only one mech I trusted in matters of the processor. At the next opportunity, I went back to the Hall of Memory. As soon as I had settled myself before one of the consoles, the Archivist drifted up behind me, pedes scarcely whispering against the floor.

"How may I help you?"

"When I was with… when I was at Kalis, they constructed firewalls to keep me from accessing certain memory files. Is there any way to do the same, from here, if I choose which memories to block?"

He nodded slowly. "There is."

"I'd like to do so."

The Archivist remained silent for a long moment.

"I have worked with memories for many astrocycles," he finally said. "I have learned my own limitations and those of others. Our memories form our character. I know well how painful we may find them at times, but without them we are incomplete."

"Then you won't help me."

"I will do my utmost to help you. I will not block you from your own memory. However, there is a way to lessen the intensity of unwelcome flashbacks. Our processors have constant access to all memories and this can sometimes have undesirable consequences. I can arrange it so that your processor may only access the memories of your time with the Autobots when you actively seek them."

"And it would help?"

"Most likely, yes."

I linked to the console, simultaneously uploading my recent memories to the Archives. They flicked past in a whirl of flames and battles… it seemed that this was all I had done since my return. When had I lost count of the Autobots I killed? It didn't seem to matter any more.

I thought of Thundercracker that night, for the first time in a long while. I was flying over Kaon when I remembered our chases through Iacon; I dipped around imaginary spires, following the phantom memory.

Don't forget to fly, Thundercracker had told me then. I missed him… his calm rationality, the comforting touch of his energy field. He'd been there to support me through the hardest times – he had stood behind me when I'd been branded with my Decepticon sigils, silent but reassuring, and he had comforted me after I'd taken my first Autobot life.

Flying with only Skywarp felt wrong. Our trine had been sundered. I wondered whether this was the way he and Starscream had felt after losing Thundercracker. Despite what Skywarp had said, I still felt the guilt intensely – Starscream's death, like Thundercracker's, had been my fault. How could Skywarp look into my face? How could he follow me?

An orbit later, twelve since my rescue, I returned to Kalis. The aerial Decepticons met with no resistance as we entered the city-state, since Kalis bordered Tarn, solidly Decepticon territory. I didn't look down as we passed over Khalkon. I couldn't think about Apis. Not yet.

/We should have seen some Autobots by now,/ I commed the others. The disaster at Praxus remained ingrained in my memory. /Keep your optics focused. It may be a trap./

By the time we reached the remains of Ratbat's estate, we had seen no Autobots. I detected energy signatures amid the ruins and signaled my mechs to land. We went cautiously, weapons raised as Lugnut emptied himself of the squad of groundpounders we'd brought along. I couldn't bring myself to look at Ramrod.

The formerly lavish estate was barely recognizable. Only the ground floor and the sublevels remained more or less intact; unfortunately, this included both audience chambers. I froze at the sight of the lashrack.

"Chain him there… face-up, if you will."

The chilling order sent a shudder through me. I wanted to run, but I couldn't move, couldn't cycle an intake…

"What are you doing here?"

I snapped out of it. Before us, I saw a group of ragged mechs. Ratbat's other slaves, I realized, recognizing them.

"You're too late," the mech in front said. "We dealt with the Autobots ourselves."

His contemptuous tone baffled me. We were all Decepticons. Why did he speak as though I were an enemy?

"Then we should…"

"Don't waste your pretty speeches. You're not welcome here," the other Decepticon snapped. "You abandoned us to fight on our own. Why should we fight with you now?" I could think of nothing to say. "You can't command us. We're Neutral now. Get out."

I stared at him, half disbelieving. But he was right – we'd left the slaves to their own devices as we flew safely back to Kaon.

Wordlessly, I turned to go, most of my Decepticons following. As I reached the door, I heard a familiar voice – Ramrod.

"It's not as though any of you tried to help him."

Nobody answered.

We left the ruins and gathered in the courtyard, preparing to take flight. Just as I was ready to start my thrusters, I felt a cold grasp on my throat, another hand holding my wrist.

"Leaving so soon, pet?" Ratbat purred. "It isn't that easy. Did you think I'd let you walk outside and fly away?"

"You're dead," I whispered, hating how weak and terrified I sounded. "I tore out your Spark – I felt you die!"

"Foolish slave. You'll never be rid of me. You could never kill me."

"Nova? Are you all right?"

Skywarp had leaned in front of me, and the touch on my armor was gone. I jerked about, but all I saw behind me were confused Decepticons, waiting on my command. Just for a moment I saw yellow optics, the curve of a triumphant smirk, but when I looked again there was nothing.

"Let's go," I croaked. I couldn't stay here another minute.

As we took to the air, a thought struck me – if these were just residual memories, then why couldn't I remember Ratbat ever speaking those words?

"It didn't work."

I'd returned to the Hall of Memory as soon as we arrived back in Kaon. The Archivist looked perplexed as he sank down into the next seat, though he soon regained his usual demeanor of calm wisdom.

"Curious. What happened?"

I told him about the visions I'd had, the waking nightmares, the whispers. He didn't speak until I'd finished completely.

"Strange. Your audios and surface sensors register a presence, yet your optics tell you otherwise… and nobody else appears to notice?"

"Nobody. And Skywarp stood right next to me the last time."

The Archivist folded his long fingers together, optics dimmed in thought. I waited nervously. I had come to depend on the Archivist as a source of inexhaustible knowledge; I didn't want to think that he might not know how to help me.

"I work with memories," he said at last, "so I am by no means an expert in matters of the Spark."

"That's what you think this is?" I asked. He sat forward.

"It must be painful to recall, but you must answer truthfully. When you were enslaved by the late Senator Ratbat… did he merge Sparks with you?"

Of all the questions I'd expected, that was the last. I looked away. "Yes. Many times."

"Ah." The Archivist frowned pensively. "Yes. It is as I feared."

"What? What is it?"

"I believe," he answered slowly, "that there may be some remnant of Ratbat which remains alive and well… within your own Spark."

I shuddered. "You mean… we're… bonded?"

"No. Not in the usual way. But… some part of him survives in you, and it is strong enough to affect you in unusual ways."

Unconsciously, I reached up to touch my cockpit. "Then there's nothing you can do." Nothing but to endure nights without recharge, the paralyzing terror of Ratbat's touch, his voice, all the things I hated about him…

"That may not be the case."

I leaned forward. "Tell me."

"You might not be able to defeat Ratbat on your own, but with the aid of another, you could best him… perhaps destroy him completely."

"How?"

"By bonding with another Spark."

My vocalizer caught. "I…" Bonding? It was out of the question. Nobody would bond with me now. Who would…

Don't think of her. Don't think of him.

"I see," I said dully. "Thank you."

I stood to go. The Archivist made no attempt to stop me, but he spoke just as I reached the door.

"You can trust him, Nova."

It was too much to ask. How could I trust anyone now?

I dreamed of a stormy sky. I saw two Seekers wheeling among the clouds, illuminated by flashes of lightning. I sought to join them, battling against a relentless wind, and I realized we flew over the ruins of Simfur.

Approaching the two fliers, I recognized them… but even as I registered the dark blue and bright red armor, I recoiled in horror. Thundercracker had been stripped of his wings –that wasn't how it had happened, he had fallen on our side, they'd brought him back whole – and Starscream had a gaping hole torn through his torso, through which I could see mangled internals. Both were covered in energon. Both watched me silently, their optics accusing.

My fault… this happened because of me.

I tried to speak, but no sound came out. The other two Seekers grew distant, the clouds darker, until all was black.

I stood alone, straining to see through the darkness. Sudden fear gripped me – I knew what was coming… I knew, but it didn't prepare me for the cold, grasping fingers on my wings, the familiar hiss.

"All alone, slave?" A dark chuckle. "But you're never alone. Not anymore."

I shuttered my optics. This was a dream, only a nightmare, and I had to wake up. I needed to wake up…

"It isn't a dream," Ratbat said. "Unshutter your optics and you'll see."

I did. The ceiling of my quarters appeared before my optics, but the feeling of hands on my wings didn't disappear. I could feel Ratbat, his weight resting on me as he pinned me to the berth, his mouthplates brushing along my jaw. My processor supplied what my optics could not; I half-saw his yellow optics, his wicked smile.

"This isn't real," I said out loud.

"Isn't it?" I felt faint pressure against my mouthplates. "I'm as alive as you, slave. And this time you can do nothing to stop me… not unless you extinguish your own Spark."

I felt the pain of my chestplates being wrenched apart, although I knew, I knew that they remained in place – and I made my greatest mistake. I offlined my optics, and suddenly I could see him above me, optics dancing as he dipped his fingers into my Spark casing, tenderly tracing the sensitive plating surrounding my core.

"You thought you'd escaped me? You're mine," he whispered. "I'll never release you. Tear yourself apart… it's so amusing to watch, especially from this new vantage point… I can feel everything."

"St-stop it…!"

It was my body, my processor, my Spark… I had to take control, drive him out, but my efforts seemed only to amuse him.

"Your pitiful struggles are delicious," he commented. "Do go on."

It was futile. I couldn't stop him. My entire frame shuddered in a sob. "Leave me alone."

"Didn't I tell you before? You're never alone."

Hands – real, solid, physical hands – shook me, breaking me free. I onlined my optics to see Skywarp above me.

"That didn't sound like fun," he said.

I sat up, drawing my knees to my chest and burying my face in my arms. Skywarp sat beside me, comforting me. I almost missed his next words.

"Go see Apis, Nova."

"What?"

"You're being stubborn. It's tearing you apart. I told Starscream that I'd look after you. Go see her."

"She won't want me now," I said. "Not after… everything. She's probably forgotten all about me. It's been fifteen vorns."

"That little femme wouldn't forget you. Nova, she probably doesn't even know you're alive. You're not only hurting yourself by this."

He didn't understand… he didn't know what had happened, what Ratbat had done to me…

…but I thought of Apis. What if Skywarp was right? Could she still be mourning my supposed death after all these vorns? Was she still alone in that dusty little shop?

"I'll go," I answered finally.

"Today. Do you promise?"

"Yes." I had to do this, no matter how painful. As soon as the morning came, I would set out for Khalkon.