A/N: The first section of this is another collaboration with Dancinglemur.

28. Merged

I landed outside the shop and hesitated, shifting on my sore pedes and wincing at the pain. My flight stamina still wasn't what it had been before my ordeal. I stared miserably at the door to the shop. The crowd swelled back out to swallow me, but the Neutrals continued to give me a wide berth upon seeing the Decepticon insignias on my wings.

I ignored them, lost in anticipation and longing and fear. I wanted to go in. I wanted to see Apis. I wanted to see her so badly that it hurt.

But…

But doubts had festered in my Spark during those long vorns of slavery, and now they reared their heads. What if Apis had moved on, found someone who hadn't been used and broken and tossed aside, someone who could protect her, someone safe? I wouldn't be surprised. I would be unhappy—doomed to an existence filled with Ratbat's phantom touch—but it wasn't illogical to think that she might have found someone else. She was full of life and laughter and had this way of making me forget I was worried or unhappy or afraid. What sane mech wouldn't want that?

But even worse was the thought that she would no longer want me. So many times, I'd sprawled where I'd been dropped or thrown in the aftermath of Ratbat's twisted affections, believing that everyone would always see how stained, how ruined I was and nobody would want anything to do with me.

Apis especially.

I shook my head and moved forward, the crowd parting around me as I crossed the short distance to the shop. This was ridiculous! I was the creation of Megatron and Starscream, two of the greatest mechs in Cybertron's history! I was Supreme Leader of the Decepticons! I was… afraid. Afraid that Apis might reject me.

I hesitated again before the door, doubts and fears nearly overcoming me. I gritted my denta and forced myself to enter. I'd been through worse than this.

The chime rang and the familiar noise almost made me smile with nostalgia.

"That chime is annoying. Why don't you change it?"

Apis grinned up at me from where she had thrown herself into my arms. We sat on the floor next to the door, the small femme having catapulted into me hard enough to make me stumble backwards and slide down to the floor. Shortstop was laughing from the work yard and Fritz was leering at us from over the counter, but Apis just cuddled closer.

"I like it," she murmured into the wires of my neck. "It's always been that way. Lotsa good memories with that chime." She tightened her grip around me. "Like this one," she whispered, and I smiled and stroked the wheel on her back.

"So this is your precious little femme. How charming."

"Get out."

A chill gripped my Spark as I felt his mouthplates twist into a smirk against the back of my neck. "I think not. You continue to intrigue me, slave. I find your lovely, innocent memories so endearing… nearly as compelling as your memories of our time together. How nice it was."

"You're sick," I said.

"That's a matter of perspective."

I jerked free to find myself in a shop devoid of customers.

"I'm sorry," a voice rang out from the work yard, where I could see some sort of hovercar overturned and opened. A slim cream-and-blue figure came through the door, head down and sky-blue visor focused on the rag he held. "We're not… open… right now…"

The rag dropped to the floor and Shortstop stood framed in the doorway, mouth agape, staring at me as though he'd seen a ghost. "N-Nova?" he whispered.

"Shortstop," I said, already looking around for the orange bot I knew should be there. "Where—"

"I-in the back," the little mech choked out, still staring.

The cavernous storage room looked empty, a labyrinth filled with long aisles of various bits of merchandise. It was silent, save for the soft rustle of metal on metal.

The silence sent a chill up my backstrut. Apis was never quiet while she worked, always humming or singing or chatting or listening to music or something. Never quiet. Never this horrible silence.

I followed the soft noise, moving deep into the rows of shelves until I could no longer see the door or hear the bustle of the crowd outside. The shelves loomed above me, closing in until my dread of tight spaces made me distinctly uncomfortable, and the high windows provided only rare, dusty shafts of light to guide me.

Then I found her.

At least, I thought it was her—the Apis I remembered, while often dusty and sometimes stained with oil or grease at the edges, had never let herself fall into such a state of disrepair. The femme that might have been orange beneath the grime stood slumped against a half-empty shelf, a box of spare four-wheeler parts at her pedes, unmoving, resting her head against the metal. The posture was as unnerving as the silence. Apis, while capable of deep thought and inner stillness, had never been so… listless. Her handlebars were wilted, her shoulders slumped, and her systems barely rumbled.

My hesitant step forward was painfully loud in the near-silence. I flinched, but Apis didn't turn to face me. She mumbled for Shortstop to go away and slumped further against the shelf. She didn't want to deal with anything, she went on, so he should just leave her in here for the next megacycle or so.

"…Apis?"

She stiffened, the wheel on her back spinning in surprise before locking back into place. She grabbed one elbow in the other hand, squeezing the slightly-rusted metal harshly. "No no no, not again," she moaned. "He's not really there, don't turn around, you're imagining it again…"

I took another step forward. "Apis… it's me."

Apis shuddered, pulled her head off of the shelf, and turned. She froze, staring at me in dumb surprise. Her optics widened, her hands came up to press over her mouth, and she took half a step backward to bump into the shelf.

"Apis," I said again, hesitantly—afraid. Had she found someone else after all? Was that why she was so distressed? She didn't want impromptu visions of the past to throw everything into confusion?

A small fist smacked me across the jaw. It didn't hurt, but I stepped back and stared down at the violently trembling femme now standing before me. "You, you, you aft!" she screeched, pounding her fists against my torso. I froze, not knowing what to do, and Apis collapsed, wrapping her arms around me.

"Stupid, stupid fragger!" she managed, her grip tightening to the point of pain. "Don't you ever do that to me ever again. Ever."

My shoulders started shaking like hers and I embraced her, hiking her up my frame so that I could bury my face in the curve of her neck as we sank to the floor.

She moved all over me, checking every bit of my frame that she could reach (and some that she normally could not), first with her hands but occasionally dropping kisses that soon turned into the frenzied meeting of mouthplates, each of us desperate to check the other for harm done in our long time apart, making wordless noises of sorrow when such places were found. My fears that she no longer wanted me were soon assuaged by the desperate, relieved way that she chanted my designation and by the pull of her fingers on the sides of my face as she kissed every plane, and the way she tried to press herself closer, wordlessly conveying the desire to melt together so that we would never have to endure this horrible separation again.

She broke down in the middle of things, sobbing into my shoulder that she'd thought I was dead and that she hadn't really gotten to tell me goodbye, to say all the important things that she had never gotten around to. I soothed her with kisses and assurances that I would stay right here with her for as long as I could.

We lay curled together in the middle of the dusty storeroom, Apis tracing my new scars once more, and I told her everything that had happened during my absence. I clung to her hard enough to scrape my paint onto her already grey-smeared chassis and felt her hold on me tighten in return. I would do everything in my power to spare her the pain of unknowing if this ever happened again.

Safe in her home, secluded from the rest of the world, we curled up on her berth. She absently ran her fingers up and down the slats of my chest vents as her optics stared off into the distance. I felt more relaxed than I had in vorns… only the lingering presence in my Spark cast a shadow over my happiness.

I'd never truly considered bonding with anyone. When I'd lived in Iacon, I'd thought that no one would ever want to be seen with me, let alone love me. Once I'd joined the Decepticons it had become a luxury that I could not afford. I'd been too busy to think of it, when all I had in the way of romance were my visits with Apis and my physical relationship with Ramrod.

Fifteen long vorns with Ratbat had given me plenty of time to dwell on it. When I'd thought that I would never see Apis again—or Ramrod—I'd wished that I had bonded when I'd had the chance.

Now I had the chance again.

"Apis?"

"Mmm?" she hummed by way of reply, smiling up at me. I suddenly wished that I had rehearsed what I was going to say.

"I, um… you know how much you mean to me." Slag, that hadn't sounded right. She probably thought that there was a "but" lurking ahead. "I really… what I'm trying to say is…"

Start over, Nova.

I shifted and sat up; Apis moved back to let me. I took her hands.

"I love you," I said. "It almost killed me to lose you once, and I never want to go through that again. I don't want to put you through it either. I want to be with you always… to share everything with you. I don't have much to give you… there isn't much left in my Spark but pain. Maybe it's selfish, but I still… I hope you will help me."

Apis squeezed my hands, her smile gentle and her optics bright. "Of course," she answered. "Of course I will, Nova."

She kissed me again, and I heard the click of the release on her chestplates. I opened my own chest, watching in awe as the blue shades of our Sparks blended together. How beautiful her Spark was, how different from the hot blue-white of Ratbat's. Just the thought of it almost made me slam my chestplates shut. My memories of Ratbat's hungry Spark devouring mine still haunted me. Doubt began to creep up on me. What if this didn't work? What if we couldn't bond, if my Spark decided that it had had enough? Or, worse, what if some part of Ratbat transferred to Apis?

Apis noticed my hesitation and must have guessed some of the reason. Her gentle hand on my cheek brought me out of my thoughts. "It's all right," she assured me. "Everything will be fine."

Before my doubts could grow worse, she leaned forward to merge our Sparks.

Immediately I felt warm—infinitely better than touching Ratbat's Spark. Instead of ravenous, Apis was gentle, careful. Her feelings washed over me, holding me in a protective embrace. This merge was deeper than our last. I saw through Apis's optics, lived her life through her memories: the love and caring of her first home, her creators, the way they had taught and shaped her. I answered with my memories of Optimus, his lessons, the peace I had felt around him. The memories, hers and mine, became ours, a time of remembered innocence.

I met Shortstop along with her, someone who had become closer than a brother to her. I understood him, how protective he was of her—she was worth protecting—and that he didn't truly dislike me, because I made Apis happy. All that I could give in return was the prejudice of Iacon, my classmates who had shunned me. I felt a wave of sympathy and comfort.

We exchanged our first memories of Decepticons. From Apis, it was a mech called Barricade and his termination in the Altihex riots. I felt how profoundly this had affected her, inspiring her to become a Neutral. I gave her memories of flight as Starscream had taught me: freedom, weightlessness, seeing more of Cybertron from high above than most mechs ever did. My other memories of Starscream slipped in as well, positive and negative alike, all the things that had made me admire him and hate him in turns. Along went Skywarp and Thundercracker, the way I'd felt after the blue Seeker's termination. I gave her the memories that Starscream had given me at his death.

Without hesitation, I showed her my memories of Ramrod. Even the ones from the berth, but most of them were of sparring or simply of being together. Then the uncertainly, the mistrust after his revelation. From her I felt sorrow and consolation, followed by deep thoughtfulness, but soon enough she answered with some memories of Steelcrusher.

In exchange for my memories of Kaon, of wartime, battles, she gave me her peaceful, happy life here in Khalkon, comfort and happiness. The love and protection of her extended family warmed our combined Sparks.

Hardest of all to show her was my time with Ratbat, all the anguish he'd put me through. I hated that she had to feel it as well, through me. Apis must have sensed this, for her Spark pulsed reassuringly within mine.

It's all right, she seemed to say. I'm strong. We can withstand this together.

He was there, suddenly, his dark, slimy feeling invading our bond, testing our limits, our connection.

Did I give you permission to let someone else into our bond? Ratbat purred.

This is not a bond, I answered angrily, feeling Apis's hands squeeze mine again. And I never gave you permission to interfere in my Spark.

A slave need not give his master permission for anything. I saw him smirking at me as clearly as though he sat before me. The remnants of his Spark burned painfully, sending memories of sadistic enjoyment. Beyond the overwhelming, tiny world of Sparkmerge, I felt myself trembling.

But perhaps I do not object to the situation. You Seekers bond in threes, after all. A whirl of satisfaction pulsed from him, anticipation. How kind of you to give me her Spark as well.

I don't think so, Apis answered. I felt the strength that was necessary to survive as a Neutral emanating from her. She didn't need me to protect her. You can't harm me and I won't let you hurt my bondmate any more!

Her sheer force of will sent Ratbat cowering, shrinking back under her assault. I added my strength to hers, rebelling against the unwelcome invader, and together we pressed him back, squeezing him into a tiny corner, silencing his angry hisses.

Exhausted, we dragged apart, our Spark chambers sliding closed as our intakes cycled rapidly. I pressed a curious hand to my cockpit. It felt, to a lesser degree, as though we were still merged—which, in a way, we were. I could feel Apis, the satisfaction radiating from her, the happiness, the warmth.

The femme snuggled up against me, helm bumping against my chin. For the first time since my return from Kalis, the close contact didn't make me flinch. Enjoying my newfound freedom, I wrapped my arms around her.

"Is he…" Apis touched my canopy, looking up hopefully at me. I searched my Spark. There was still a dark, cold place, far removed from the warmth of our bond.

"Still there…" Her face fell, and I hastened to add, "…but I don't think he's as strong as before. We've pushed him back."

"I'm sorry, Nova," she said regretfully. "I wasn't strong enough."

I nuzzled her, stroking her helm. I knew she wasn't a warrior. "You've done more than enough. Thank you."

For a time we lay in silence. I offlined my optics, lazily petting the wheel on Apis's back. I hadn't felt this peaceful in vorns, and I planned to thoroughly enjoy it before the inevitable return of my worries—the war, the Autobots, everything. Apis's engine purred contentedly.

I'd almost fallen into recharge when she finally stirred, reaching up to touch my faceplates, tracing once more the seam stretching from my optic to my jaw.

"Nova?"

"Hmm?"

She waited until I was looking at her. "I'm worried about you." She didn't need to tell me; I felt it pulsing from her Spark. "You need to learn to trust again. Your mechs need you back… all of you. Skywarp needs you more than ever now that both of his mates are… he shouldn't be all alone."

I answered her concern with a kiss on the cheek. "I trust my troops. They know that. And I'll do my best to take care of Skywarp."

She still frowned. I tried my best to send her a sense of calm reassurance through our bond, but she didn't show any sign of cheering.

"Nova," she began quietly, "I think… I know you can trust Ramrod."

Of all the topics for her to bring up, I hadn't expected him. "How can you be so sure?"

Apis gave me an amused, exasperated look. "Nova, please. You're a wonderful, sweet mech, but sometimes you can be a bit thick. Ever since you met him Ramrod has made it so obvious. You'll never find a better friend than that. His word against Ratbat's! Who would you rather trust?"

I stared at the ceiling. I wanted to trust him. My Spark ached with the urge to trust him. Now that my processor was clear, my Spark almost free of Ratbat's taint, it seemed so simple.

"When you go back to Kaon, you have to talk to him. Please."

"I miss him," I admitted.

"You'll talk to him?"

"I'd like to."

"You'll talk to him?" Apis pressed again. "Do you promise?"

"Yes, I promise. I'll talk to him."

The cyclefemme beamed up at me. "You'll feel better, Nova. Trust me."

With great reluctance, I left Khalkon as night fell. The remaining presence of Apis in my Spark kept me in a good mood; I even indulged in some aerial acrobatics, something I hadn't done just for fun since long before Kalis. Suddenly everything seemed to hold joy once more—I remembered the first time I'd flown without Starscream's hands steadying me, the pleasure I found in the sky. Flight had been my creator's greatest gift to me, and perhaps sometime far, far in the future, when war was a thing of the past, I might lead my own sparkling into the sky.

In a reminder of her now-constant company, I felt an answering wave of happiness-love from Apis and smiled, doing another barrel roll.

Most mechs had retreated to their quarters for recharge when I returned, but all those whom I passed in the halls seemed to recognize that something had changed. Their greetings were less hesitant, less careful. I returned them gratefully, stopped by my quarters for an energon cube—the orn's activities had left me tired—and headed down to the training grounds.

He was there, just as I'd known he always was at the end of each orn, attacking a practice dummy with his usual single-minded ferocity. I loved to watch him fight. He was no hulking tank model, so he made up what he lacked in brute strength with cleverness and agility and determination. I'd never seen him lose a fight except once, to me, that first time we'd met, when my victory had been gained by luck on my part and overconfidence on his.

I waited until he had finished one complex series of moves before venturing a simple "Hello."

He turned at the sound of my voice and spotted me. For a moment he looked uncertain. I worried that my coldness might have turned him away from me.

"Hello," he answered. He looked just the way I remembered him, save for a new scar which he evidently hadn't wanted the medics to remove. Ramrod was strange that way sometimes, with a sense of honor which had led him to fight me without weapons.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him. Apologies, perhaps explanations, questions I wanted to ask, but I didn't know where to start. Instead, I asked, "Do you… do you want to spar?"

At first he said nothing. I feared that he might not accept, or worse, that he might not answer at all and simply turn away. But I had underestimated Ramrod again. He dropped into a fighting stance. "Why not?"

I readied myself, concerned that I may not be quite as successful as I had once been. Since my return I had sparred with Skywarp, but he had treated me like fragile glass.

Not so from Ramrod. His first strike had me reeling backwards, ducking the second blow.

"No need to go so easy on me," I managed as my gyros restabilized. A joke, for the first time since before Helex. Ramrod grinned a little bit wider and we continued. At first I flinched like a sparkling with each blow, but as the fight progressed I found my old skill returning, my former ease, a certain willingness to take the hits as they came, remembering how to properly twist and dodge, to roll when I fell, to absorb impacts.

None of this stopped me from finally crashing to the floor and staying there, vents whirring, covered in dents. I didn't feel beaten or defeated, as I had grown to with the Autobots. It was exhilarating.

"You've gotten rusty," Ramrod said, offering a hand to help me up. "Don't tell me we need to start all over again."

I reached up to grab his wrist and yank him to the ground. He fell with a startled yelp and a clang. "You've gotten complacent. You really never learn."

"Brat," he retorted, still smiling as he sat up. The small audience that had gathered chattered appreciatively to each other and to us. More than once, though I'd returned to Kaon decacycles ago, mechs touched my arm or shoulder and murmured, "Welcome back, Commander." Though the press of the others and the touch on my plating still made me uncomfortable (and always would), I accepted it, smiling back.

Once the other Decepticons had dispersed, I walked with Ramrod back to his quarters. He brought out energon cubes. As he drank, I asked uncertainly, "How are things with… you know. With you."

He turned his cube around and around in his hands, watching the fuel slosh about. "Much better now." He looked up, adding, "Hello, Nova."

I smiled back. "Hello, Torsion."

"Losing you was… hard. On both of us. But we both needed someone, so we resolved our differences. We get along well enough. Besides, I've been able to help with intelligence, since I knew something about the Autobot system." Torsion paused. "It's good to have you back, Nova. It hurt both of us, but I think I understand why you did it. Thank you for trusting us. You look different, by the way… happier." A shrewd look. "Did you finally visit Apis?"

"I… yes." Should I tell him? For some reason I felt reluctant, almost guilty. Why shouldn't I tell him? Our relationship had always been purely physical. And yet where Torsion was involved, I didn't know what to say.

Torsion smiled. "I'm glad. It's good to see you opening up to us again."

I opened my mouth to tell him about bonding with Apis. They shifted from Torsion to Ramrod, the transition physical as well as internal. Ramrod held a different posture than Torsion, slightly more relaxed and confident.

"Do you… want to talk about anything?" he asked. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want. But… well. We know how it is. You can talk to us."

I settled down further in my chair. Ramrod would understand when I told him. We had something more in common now: we had both endured the horrors of slavery.

It was easier to tell him than I had thought it would be. He listened attentively, expressing both sorrow and anger, sharing in my desire for revenge against the Autobots. After only a klik's hesitation, I told him about Ratbat's continued presence in my Spark, then about bonding with Apis.

"That aftface," he hissed angrily, referring to Ratbat. "I'd kill him, if I could."

Of course, he couldn't. The only way that Ramrod could help me destroy Ratbat was if we… and that was a thought I couldn't pursue. Apis was my bondmate now, and that meant that I should keep Ramrod at a comfortable, friendly distance. Never mind the times he'd stood up for me or helped me or laughed with me. Never mind his smile. Never mind the way my Spark still pulsed slightly faster around him.

What more do you need? I berated it inwardly. I've got a bondmate. Isn't that enough?

"Nova?"

I realized I'd been staring into space. Simultaneously, I noticed how tired I was. All these decacycles without much recharge had exhausted me; that, coupled with Sparkmerge and a good spar, made me think I just might stay in recharge for a vorn.

"I'm fine," I answered. "Just tired. Sorry."

Ramrod smiled, and I sensed Torsion flickering behind his optics. "Thank you."

Thank you for trusting us, he meant. I smiled back.

"When I come out of recharge, we'll have work to do."

"Of course. The Senate still needs to be eradicated, for you and Starscream."

I left him, feeling better than I had in a long time. My berth looked inviting and I sank gratefully onto it.

My bond with Apis pulsed a faint twinge of love-affection-love. Over time the bond would strengthen, I knew from some of the Autobot bondmates I had known. I sent an answering surge, staring up at the ceiling.

After several cycles of thought, I offlined my optics and drifted into recharge. For the first time in vorns, my dreams were light and pleasant, dreams of Apis, of Ramrod, of the sky, of flight and freedom.