A/N: Some of this is written by Lemur, a bit in the middle and some near the end. Enjoy!

30. Reaching Out

I remained in the dark of emergency stasis for some time. My processor, half-active, tormented me with nightmarish visions, some memories and some pure invention. Phantom shapes moved around me. I teetered back and forth between nightmares: pain and despair, Ratbat's hated touch ghosting over of my plating, slipping into my circuitry; gentle and caring hands becoming rough and painful, squeezing with crushing strength—made all the worse by the awareness of betrayal. Anguish.

For the first time I felt lost. I had always had such a clear idea of where I was going, what to do next. I had wanted freedom for the Decepticons—I still did. But how was I to get there? I had been thwarted at every turn… I had tried a more peaceable approach and my reward had been slavery. Yet when I attempted a firm offensive, I had been defeated by the one mech I had thought might understand me, might sympathize with me.

Was it hopeless? Were the Autobots just too powerful to defeat? They had made it clear that sharing Cybertron, accepting the Decepticons as equals and living in peace, was impossible. Was the war destined to drag on until not a single Cybertronian was left—or until Cybertron herself was torn apart?

I had wanted this. I had volunteered for it, too young and naïve to realize what it would mean to join this war, that I would be stripped of everything. How could anyone want this?

Reports from all of my systems informed me that the recovery process had been long and arduous: my left arm had been completely replaced, and extensive repairs had been needed on my other limbs. The wiring beneath my cockpit still stung as the self-repair mended the damage done by the shattered glass.

Worse than the physical damage was the memory of my battle with Optimus. The knowledge that he would have done whatever it took to stop me—that he would have killed me—pained me more than any of the wounds.

When I awoke, it was dark. The only sounds I heard in the medbay were faint rustling and beeping, the sounds of other wounded Decepticons shifting slightly in recharge and the repetitive electronic noises of the other, nonsentient machines. Aside from the indicator lights and readouts on those same machines, the glow of my optics was the only illumination.

Sprawled out on a chair beside me, recharging lightly, was Skywarp. My Spark gave a twinge of gratitude and guilt—had he stayed with me all this time? He'd saved me on the battlefield, even after the way I'd treated him. After those horrible things I'd said to him, after everything, here he was.

As if he sensed me watching, Skywarp woke with a start, giving his head a brisk shake to clear his processor.

"Nova?" he muttered sleepily, optics flickering on and off before brightening fully. "You're awake?"

"Hey, Warp," I managed.

"I'm so glad I got to you in time. I thought he'd…" He broke off, and I realized that he was trying to skirt around a painful subject. He acted so cheerful all the time, lived with such energy that he seemed to bounce back quickly from everything. But did he really? I'd never thought about it before, never stopped to think about what Skywarp truly felt. In all of my self-pity, I'd barely tried to sympathize with him, and he'd lost everything too.

"Skywarp, I…"

"It's great that you're all right. The Structies say that you should be up and about in an orn or two."

"Warp, listen," I broke in. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. What I said… before Polyhex… I wasn't myself. I didn't mean it. Can you forgive me?"

Skywarp smiled. "That's what wingmates do. We're all we've got now."

"I wouldn't want anyone else as my trine," I told him. "I know I can't replace Thundercracker and Starscream… no one can. But I don't want you to feel alone. I'll try to be there for you. If there's any way I can make up for what I said… what you've done for me…"

"We're trine. It's gotta be hard for you, not growing up with other Seekers like we did. But I'll teach you all about being in a trine. It's something you'll have to learn on the fly, though."

"I can do that," I answered, my Spark swelling in joy. For the first time, I didn't feel out of place, as though I'd been put into a trine to fill an empty slot. This was something of my own.

"Did I ever tell you how I met TC?"

"I'd like to hear that."

The battle at Polyhex had been a defeat, though not as humiliating as it might have been. Our withdrawal made Polyhex the only major Autobot presence in the southern hemisphere, but its loss still meant that we would face a difficult struggle. Between this and the Neutral states of Praxus and Kalis, the Autobots would have access to virtually all of Tarn's northern border, a stretch far too wide to defend fully.

If we could convince the Neutrals to hold their territory and forbid any advance through their cities, the task of defending Tarn would be much easier. I volunteered to seek their aid myself; not only did I have certain connections in the Neutral community, but I could also use the excuse to visit Apis.

Skywarp flew beside me as we headed for Khalkon, chattering over our comms. I listened with one audio. I should get used to Skywarp talking. He was my wingmate, and I had to accept everything about him, good and bad, helpful and annoying. My talkative wingmate.

Since my awakening, Skywarp had related more about his past with Thundercracker and Starscream than my creator had told me in two and a half centivorns. I had worried that talking about them might prove too painful for Skywarp, but if anything, he seemed to grow even more cheerful and enthusiastic. Perhaps speaking of them comforted him, kept the happy memories near to his Spark.

I let Skywarp do the talking; I needed the time to think about my next move. Clearly the Autobots had decided to play rough. My Spark still surged with anger and hatred at the thought of the Autobots reigning over the planet, but my fight with Optimus had left me with doubts.

The connection between us had let Apis know I was coming, so she had already arranged to be off shift when we arrived. Skywarp, with a sly wink, announced that he would spend the time elsewhere.

"So you two go off and make yourselves comfortable," he finished, giving me a shove in Apis's direction. The little femme giggled, taking my hand and pulling me upstairs to her room.

"It's so good to see you," she told me as soon as the door had closed behind her. Then she caught sight of my recent repairs and came closer, reaching out to touch some of the damage with gentle hands. "Oh, Nova… what happened? Was it Polyhex?"

"It was. Slagging Autobots."

I hardly noticed as she drew back, looking at me oddly; I thought again of the Autobots, of the Senate, of Prime… of what they had done to me, of everything that they had to pay for. Those niggling doubts that had surfaced during my recovery pestered me, weak suggestions of resuming a less aggressive style of warfare, of seeking a diplomatic solution, but I pushed them aside.

"They'll stop at nothing. They want to see us all dead, every one of them. Even those I thought were more rational… you can't trust an Autobot."

"Nova…"

"All they want is to rule this planet, and they don't care who is trampled along the way. The poor, the helpless, Decepticons, Neutrals, anyone is expendable. If only I'd seen it sooner, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"Nova."

"I should have let Starscream wipe them out! They all deserve to die for what they've done. For all the harm they've caused."

"Nova, listen to me!" I finally stopped ranting and looked at my furiously trembling bondmate. "Listen to yourself," she pleaded, reaching up to brush her fingers against my cheek. "You don't really mean those things you're saying."

"Yes, I do," I snarled as I turned away from her, glaring out of the window at the passing crowds of dusty Neutrals. I gripped the windowsill and dug my claws in. "Autobots don't deserve to live. I was wrong to ever think otherwise. Idealistic drivel left over from my past. They will never see the error of their ways. The only way to be rid of them is to grind them into oblivion."

Silence.

Ice drifted across our bond; when Apis spoke, her voice was just as cold. "What about Optimus?" she asked pointedly. My wings twitched, the windowsill screaming as my grip warped it out of shape. "Will you kill the mech who raised you as his own? Ratchet? Jazz? What about those who used to be Autobots? Perceptor? Sidewall? How Autobot is Autobot enough to be killed for? Those whose mates are Autobots?"

"That's not the point," I hissed at her, but Apis's voice only rose.

"If you continue like this it will turn you into someone you're not. This hatred will twist you and distort you and will put the peace and equality you told me, told everyone you wanted out of your reach forever."

"Stop."

"You'll start with those who wronged you personally, then those like them, then those that knew them. You'll turn to families, hurting bondmates to affect their bonded, sparklings to tear at their creators' Sparks."

"Shut up!"

"You'll start killing and you won't stop, your original goal lost, hating anything and everything associated with the Autobots… and out of all the Decepticons, you are more Autobot than any of them."

"I said shut up!" I spat, whirling and advancing on her. She did not retreat, stalking forward to look me accusingly in the optics.

"You're turning yourself into another Megatron!" she shouted, and the shock of her words made me step back and stare at her.

"You keep holding onto this hate," she whispered, optics never leaving mine, "and you will never achieve the equality you desire. You will prove them right that Decepticons are violent brutes who need to be controlled, enslaved, and you will start your creators' cycle of hate and retribution all over again."

I reached for her, without violent intentions this time, but she jerked away. "You have lost sight of your goal, just like Megatron did, and you will become mired in senseless, endless killing, just as he was." Her voice was hollow and tired. "You'll prove the Autobots right and lose your chance at freedom for the Decepticons. And you will lose me."

I made a strangled noise of protest and reached for her again. My hand closed around her elbow but she shook me off.

"I fell in love with you, Nova! Not Megatron. You're always saying that you're not like him, well, then, prove it!"

"Are you saying I have no reason to hate them?" I hissed, hurt. Her words struck me hard, widening the cracks in my resolve that Optimus had opened. "You know what they did to me, what they've done to a countless number of Decepticons who were in my position. You saw it through our bonding."

"I despise Ratbat for what he did to you!" she cried. "But he's dead! There is no one left to hate! Let go. He can't hurt us anymore, but if you continue to hold onto your hate, if you let it warp you, then Ratbat wins, Nova!" Her intakes were hitching in distress. "And I don't want to lose you again. Not to him, not again."

Her optics finally dropped from mine. "You'll go somewhere I can't follow. It was horrible enough thinking that you were dead, but at least you were still you, and if this is what happened instead… then the Nova I knew, the one I wanted to bond with, died at Helex. This is not the mech I loved.

"Please, Nova! You've had your revenge. Defeat the Autobots by proving them wrong. Don't let this turn into another astrocycle of death. Please," she begged, before pulling back, looking at the floor as her handlebars twitched in towards her neck. "I don't want our sparklings to grow up surrounded by hate and violence. I want them to have a chance to live."

I stared at her with wide optics, feeling as though my gyros had all simultaneously flipped over, suddenly icy cold and blazing hot at once. "Sparklings?" I whispered weakly.

Apis smiled shakily. "Twins," she said.

"Two?" She nodded, mouthing the number back at me. I lunged at her, grabbing her arms. "When did you find out? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I…" She wouldn't meet my optics. "Just the other orn. I didn't think you'd be so upset."

I let my hands fall in shock. Even through my daze I could feel the dark hate clenched around my Spark relaxing its grip. "Upset? Why would I be upset? This is… it's…" Wonderful, amazing, a miracle, something I never expected…

She peeked shyly up at me, a hesitant smile crossing her face. "You're… happy?"

I couldn't help but grin foolishly, sweeping her into a hug. "I am overjoyed," I answered, letting her feel it over our bond. I felt her answering relief.

"So… you'll stop this vendetta?" she asked. I hesitated. "For our sparklings. Don't turn into another Megatron… I don't want our sparklings to grow up around someone like him."

The steel in her optics reminded me that being a Neutral was a hard life, and the weak could not, did not, survive. However much it would hurt her, Apis would leave me if that was best for our sparklings.

Still, it was so much to ask… to let go, to… forgive them.

There is no one left to hate.

I wasn't optimistic enough to believe that it could happen in a moment, or even an orn, even a vorn. But for her, and for the sparklings who had the right of freedom, I would try.

I drew her up to bury my face in her neck.

"I'm not losing you again," I whispered fiercely, and heard her elated cry as she wrapped her arms around my head and shoulders, clinging to me as she had when we were reunited.

Apis would have to come and live with me at Kaon; I had been obligated to tell certain trusted members of the command team that I had bonded, since it was a matter of security, and when I told Shockwave and Soundwave about the impending sparklings they insisted that my bondmate be placed under greater protection. Apis had protested, of course—it was difficult to leave a home, especially since it wasn't her own choice. Finally she relented, but only after I consoled her and promised Steelcrusher that I would care for her.

Having Apis share my quarters was wonderful; her presence seemed to brighten everything. I had ample opportunity to press close to her Spark and bask in the warmth and love I found there. I was still filled with wonder whenever I thought about it—somehow the two of us had created life, and someday soon I would see our sparklings, our twins.

But first I had other problems, and the largest was Optimus. I still wasn't entirely sure whether or not to forgive him. Surely he could have done more to help me during my long imprisonment, whatever the situation. But I had to show him that I was still his Nova. That I would no longer follow blindly after my creators, as I had once sworn I would not, but would show the Autobots that we were willing to live in peace.

"The Autobot, as requested."

This was the difficult part. Ironhide, after all, had very little reason to trust me, having been our prisoner since the assault on Trypticon.

"Thank you. You may leave us."

"Well, ain't you all high and mighty," the warrior drawled as the mech who had brought him in departed, leaving us alone save for Ramrod, who remained as a precaution. Ironhide wore stasis cuffs, but one could never be too careful when it came to such a legendary fighter.

"Hello, Ironhide," I answered with a wry smile.

"You think yer brave or something? Bringing me clear up here to gloat?"

"I didn't bring you here to gloat."

"I know what you've been up to and I ain't impressed," he snorted. "Thought Prime'd raised you better than that. Decepticon scum."

"You watch how you talk to him," Ramrod put in, scowling. Ironhide matched his expression.

"Or what, ya punk? Just like a Decepticon to take on someone in stasis cuffs."

"I'll give you a fight when you're good and ready. I'll even let you oil up your creaking joints first."

"Not now," I interrupted them, though I couldn't help but smile. Ramrod and Ironhide were surprisingly similar.

"What're you smirkin' at?" Ironhide growled. "Thinking of how many Autobots you killed in your last fight?"

"It's not like that… not anymore. That's why you're here." Ironhide looked suspicious. I decided to stop talking in riddles and set it all out. "I'm sending you back as a symbol of good faith. I need you to tell Prime that things have changed."

"I'm no messenger bot," he said, but he looked surprised all the same. "Whaddaya mean, things've changed?"

"I mean that I want to stop fighting."

"So it's surrender? I'm sure they'll all be happy to hear that."

"No. Tell Prime that he needs to take his power back, his real power, and convince the Autobots to open negotiations. If they won't, so be it. We will continue fighting until we achieve equality one way or the other."

"Grown a backbone, haven't you? And a Spark, maybe."

"I'll take that as your acceptance." I commed the mech outside. "You'll get safe passage back to Autobot territory. Of course, if you make any sudden moves, remember that you are in the center of Kaon."

"I ain't scared of yer goons, kid. 'Specially not the loudmouth punk over there."

"I'll show you, rustbucket!" Ramrod answered as the other Decepticon removed Ironhide's cuffs. The Autobot flexed his fists.

"Fergive me for not tremblin' in my boots."

I didn't know what a boot was, but both Ramrod and I let it slide.

I wondered whether Optimus would attempt to get word back to me once Ironhide arrived. It had been several orns since we had sent the warrior back, but no such message had yet appeared. Perhaps Optimus could never forgive me. Perhaps Ironhide or the return message had been intercepted. Perhaps the remnants of the Senate had hatched some nefarious plot to widen the rift between us just when I had reached out to close it.

There was no way of knowing, especially not when I was at the very outskirts of Kaon with half of the command team reviewing the slow construction of an energon refinery. I'd been especially twitchy the entire orn, aching for news.

My connection to Apis pulsed with loveaffection, followed by a brief flicker of Apis's whereabouts. She was close to the base at the city's center, in the crystal gardens. Nobody I asked was sure who had begun the work on the tiny garden, which was nothing compared to those in Praxus; I supposed someone long ago, some bored soldier with a scientific background, had begun the long, painstaking process of growing the crystals into exotic formations. The place had been abandoned, probably when its architect was killed in battle, and the bored Apis had declared it her project. For the orbits she'd been in Kaon, she had been hard at work, chipping away at the crystals until they resembled something close to the shapes they had been meant to follow.

I sent back an image of my location, as well as I could. Our bond was still solidifying, so I wasn't sure whether it came across properly. Still, I could strongly sense her Spark; soon our sparklings would be born, and with an experienced medic like Hook on hand everything would go smoothly, and then I would be a creator, with two more reasons to seek peace and equality.

Abruptly my bond with Apis was flung wide open and I stumbled as her feelings became mine—not the contentment and joyful anticipation of a moment before, but paralyzing terror and a glimpse of an Autobot insignia.

Autobots? Here?

But I couldn't pause to think about it. Apis was in danger. I couldn't lose her… not again.

Without stopping to explain, I fired up my thrusters, roaring into the sky, pushing myself to the limit. I couldn't afford to slow down, couldn't afford to wait for help… I had to get to her, to protect her and our sparklings, to make sure she was safe.

Apis's panic rose and crested—and pain, she was hurt!

/NovaNovaNova please! Don't let them get me I don't want to go I don't want to be taken away from you don't let them take me away!/

/I won't I won't I love you I won't let them take you. I won't let them take you away from me!/

There was another horrible twinge of pain and then… nothing. My flight path wavered so sharply that I almost slammed into a building as my mate's end of the bond went dormant. The bond itself remained, but I could no longer discern anything of Apis other than that she remained functional. What had they done to her? Was she badly hurt? Were they still here? Was I too late?

I streaked over her garden and made a painful landing that sent me skidding, barely able to keep my balance on now-throbbing thrusters, then sprinted inside, down the hall to where the door to our quarters was gaping open.

Pain twisted through me at the sight of the torn-apart rooms. Even so, I felt a tiny lick of pride at the overturned furniture, the shattered glass strewn across the floor, and a chip of sky-blue optic in a puddle of energon. Apis had not gone without a fight.

But she had gone.

I frantically tore our quarters apart, desperately crying out her designation.

She was not there.

I left our quarters and ran for her garden, hoping against hope that she had somehow escaped the Autobot infiltrators and hidden there… but my hope was in vain.

Skywarp found me there as I screamed in rage and fear and loss, pounding my fists into the ground. "Nova?" he asked, clearly worried, reaching out towards me. "What happened? You just took off— "

I whirled on him, denta bared. "She's gone! There were Autobots here and they took her!"

I turned to take off… I had to save her, they couldn't have gone far, it had only been a few cycles… I would catch them, make them pay…!

Skywarp threw his arms around me, pulling me back to the ground. I shrieked—how dare he stop me, Apis was my bondmate, I couldn't lose her—and lashed out at him, claws gouging deep into facial plating and tearing the slats out of head vents. Voices said my designation, trying to talk, arms continuing to pin me down from the sky. I screamed and howled, tearing into the ones who tried to hold me back until someone finally forced me into stasis and the world went dark.

When I awoke, Skywarp and Ramrod were there, my wingmate sporting scratched faceplates and a dented helm. I felt a brief flicker of guilt, but the numb void where Apis should have been filled me with icy fury.

I pushed them aside and limped towards the entrance to the base.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to get Apis back."

"Don't be stupid!" Skywarp said, grabbing my elbow. "Even if we knew where they took her, if you go yourself they'll know—"

I whirled on him, furious, and slammed him into the wall. "She's my bondmate!" I roared. "Are you saying you won't let me save her?"

A strong hand clamped onto the back of my neck, ready to send me back into stasis. "Put him down, Nova." Something in his even tone told me that it was Torsion speaking. For the first time I noticed how quickly his intakes were coming, how loudly his vents hummed—he must have pushed his altmode as fast as it would go to get here quickly. "I understand that not feeling anything from your bondmate is upsetting you, but Skywarp is not to blame. We only want to help you. On her own, Apis is only a Neutral. The Autobots don't know that you are bonded. If they find out, she and your sparklings will die. You cannot handle this directly. If you get involved, they will die."

I dropped Skywarp and stepped back, horrified that I had been about to seriously harm my wingmate.

"Warp, I…" I couldn't think of anything to say. Instead I backed into the wall and slid down to huddle there, head clutched in my hands as I tried to calm myself.

Everything was falling apart. My bonded, my beloved Apis, who was carrying my sparklings, was gone, kidnapped by Autobots for reasons unknown and taken Primus knew where.

My frame shook and a distressed click escaped me. Immediately two warm frames pressed against me, a wing brushing comfortingly against mine, hands sliding soothingly over my plating. Eventually I relaxed, then broke down, clutching at them to make sure that they, too, would not be taken from me. It finally sank in that I might never see her again… she could be hidden away or imprisoned, that I might never see my sparklings, that this might have been my reward for trying to reach out to the Prime… that Apis was gone.