Regroup from Regret

Yoh began pacing back and forth in the hallway in front of her and mumbled something under his breath she didn't hear. Pirika knew he was angry for some reason, but decided not to ask about it. There was also increasing discomfort with being in the house with him alone, and she felt she missed her opportunity to escape. He stopped his pace abruptly, burying his hands deep into the pockets of his pants, and stared at her with a frustrated frown.

"What's wrong?" She whispered the question as if she had no will to project her voice. It really wasn't necessary for him to answer; she just didn't want him to hit her.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" he asked bitterly.

"What?"

"Tell me the truth," he demanded as his voice elevated slightly. "You think I'm crazy, don't you?"

"I think..." she hesitated as a terrible chill enveloped her spine. "I think you're unstable."

His frown faded when she made the statement, and he stared at her with wounded eyes. Pirika pressed her back tightly against the wall and began tapping the surface with her fingers. Her obvious discomfort seemed to increase his sadness, and his eyes began to fill with tears.

"Are you afraid of me?" he whimpered weakly.

"Yes," she said quickly without hesitation.

He walked past her abruptly and entered her bedroom, ignoring her panic. She followed him uneasily and watched as he sat on her bed and rested his hands in his lap.

"Sit with me," he offered sadly.

"I don't want to," she blurted nervously.

"Please," he sighed.

She scratched her neck briefly before reluctantly obeying his request. There was a great amount of distance between them when she sat down, but he moved closer and held her hand.

"Don't touch me." She didn't intend for the statement to sound cold, but she couldn't control her tone.

Yoh removed his hand abruptly and took a deep breath. Pirika stared at the floor and clasped her hands tightly in her lap.

"I'm sorry," he said finally. His voice was frail and revealed the regret and frustration that filled his brain.

Pirika took a short breath but decided not to respond.

"I know I hurt you," he sighed. "I know I scared you. There's no way I can take that back. But, honestly, there's no way I can promise you it won't happen again."

"You shouldn't say things like that," she replied with irritation. "That's why people think you're crazy."

"I don't like hurting people," he groaned. "I don't want to. But..."

He paused and briefly closed his eyes. She shifted her weight against the bed and faced him, feeling her fear beginning to subside.

"You really don't remember what you did?" Pirika's question sounded like an accusation and revealed slight frustration.

"No," he replied sadly.

"So, what happens?" she asked curiously. "When you have these episodes, what are you thinking about?"

"I'm angry," he groaned. "Always angry, and I can't get rid of it. I get a headache. And then there's always someone around looking at me like I'm insane."

"You're blacking out," she confirmed, "and, I think I know why."

Yoh turned to face her and moved close enough for their legs to touch. If she had an answer he needed to hear it. He wanted his life back and felt it slowly slipping away each day.

"Tamao."

Her simple answer confused him, and he frowned at her.

"What?" he whispered.

"She's fueling this anger," she explained. "That's why most of it is directed at her."

"I'm not angry with her," he rebutted, and she rolled her eyes.

"You resent her for not being Anna," she sighed. "She's trying to replace her, but she can't. At least, that's what your brain is telling you. You're angry because she's here and Anna isn't."

"Tamao is my best friend," he replied. "She's helped me with so much, and she's always here when I need her. How can I be angry with her?"

"I just told you," she groaned impatiently. "You want to be with Anna. It doesn't matter what you say or do; that will never change. And, having Tamao so close just reminds you of what you've lost."

Yoh bit his bottom lip and contemplated her words with a frustrated frown. He scratched his head softly then dropped his hands heavily into his lap.

"I don't know what to do," he said weakly.

"You haven't noticed how pleasant you are when she's not here?" Pirika added. "She irritates you; it's obvious."

"I pushed her away," he said and closed his eyes. "She broke off the engagement."

"Getting married is the last thing you need to do right now," she said with a relieved sigh. "I was happy about it at first, but that was before I knew you were unstable."

He seemed offended by the assessment but didn't speak.

"You can move forward now," she said and then added under her breath, "I'm absolutely sure she'll be fine."

"You're talking about Ren?" His random question seemed to increase her frustration, and she groaned.

"No, I wasn't...." She paused, deciding not to say anything else.

"Okay," he replied sheepishly.

"It's disgusting," she added bitterly.

"What?" He whispered the question with a confused expression, but she continued.

"Nothing," she said quickly. "It doesn't matter. He can do whatever he wants; he's an adult."

"But, we live together," Yoh replied blankly. "We have to respect everyone's space."

"What are you talking about, Yoh?" she demanded as her voice elevated.

"I mean, with them sleeping together," he sighed. "It's very annoying."

A pang rose in the pit of her stomach as he spoke, but he seemed to ignore her shock.

"I knew she was marrying me because she wanted to help," he continued, "but, I didn't think she would be involved with someone else. Maybe you're right. Maybe that frustrated me; I felt betrayed or something. I don't know. But, I haven't been sleeping much lately; you hear things. It's more annoying than anything else, I guess."

Pirika stood quickly from the bed and held her hands over her face. Yoh joined her and bit his bottom lip.

"Did I say something wrong?" he asked weakly.

"No," she said abruptly and quickly wiped the tears that were forming. "It's done."

"What's done?"

"I can't believe I'm surprised," she mumbled. "Never mind. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"I..." He suddenly realized what was happening and sighed. "I thought you knew about it. I thought everyone did."

"It's fine, Yoh," she replied dismissively. "It's done. We're done. Ren and I are over, so let's move on."

"You two were together?" he frowned. "When?"

"I said it's done," she seethed. "Change the subject."

"He was...cheating on you?" He said the words slowly as if trying to piece together a puzzle in his brain.

"Yoh," she groaned and rolled her eyes, but he continued.

"With Tamao?" Nausea began to attack his stomach. "You didn't know because they were hiding it. And...I just told you?"

"Yoh, I don't want to talk about this," she said as the tears returned.

"I wasn't talking about sex," he added quickly. "I really don't know if they were doing that. But, she left my room all the time to sleep with him, and they would talk and stuff--"

"Don't try to fix it," she groaned. "You don't have to cover for her. She dumped you, remember?"

Yoh fell silent and stared at the floor. He definitely said too much, and the humiliation made looking at her nearly impossible.

"It's okay, Yoh," she said softly, although her eyes revealed slight rage. "This isn't your fault."

"How can I make this better?" he asked weakly. "Let me know how to fix this for you."

"Yoh," she exhaled, but he continued.

"I need to make it up to you," he said gravely. "Tell me something you want to do."

"What?"

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go," he smiled. "We can do anything you want. Just you and me."

"You can take me to the park," she suggested after careful deliberation.

"The park?" he replied and frowned at her in slight confusion.

"I don't want to see them when they get back," she explained, "and, we can get some fresh air."

"Okay," he said warmly, "let's get out of here."

Anna sat on the futon limply as fatigue seemed to overwhelm her body. She wore a pair of denim jeans with a loose t shirt, a sort of transition outfit, and stared blankly at the television. Although the screen was blank--the power was off--she seemed content with staring at it. This was much better than watching him.

Hao paced briskly near the futon with an aggravated expression. He had been fully dressed for some time wearing a buttoned black shirt with heavy denim jeans. There were no words exchanged between them at this point; she had no energy to start another argument, and he was too angry to express his thoughts.

"Talk to me, Anna," he said, finally dispelling the silence. "Just say it."

She didn't respond and stared into her lap at her hands.

"I'm not doing this with you anymore." He stopped his pacing and stood in front of her, folding his arms tightly over his chest. "You're either in this or not. I don't want you here if you don't want to be here."

Anna closed her eyes and scratched her neck as he spoke. Somehow his words increased her fatigue, and the exhaustion began to irritate her.

"I'm not a toy you can just play with when Yoh bores you," he growled. "And, I will not share you with him."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked weakly. "I don't want to fight with you."

"This isn't a fight," he countered. "I want an answer from you right now."

"I love him," she blurted bitterly. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Anna paused after making the statement. She didn't intend to confess such a thing and was now mortified that he was staring at her.

"You love Yoh more than you love me." Hao's statement definitely wasn't a question. He seemed to be stating fact as he saw the situation. "Or, you don't really love me at all. I was just a vacation?"

"Hao--," she sighed but he ignored her.

"So, this is why you've been blaming me for everything that has happened with us," he groaned. "Because you feel guilty for leaving him. Coming here was a mistake for you, and you want to leave."

"I've never said that," she sighed, "Hao I never--"

"You really don't have to say anything," he interrupted. "You don't want to be with me? You want Yoh?"

"I don't know," she whispered as tears began to fill her eyes. "I don't know what to say."

"I'll make this easier for you," he said, pausing to clench his teeth and repel the approaching tears. "This is over, Anna."

She stood abruptly as though she didn't hear his statement clearly, and an overwhelming rush of sadness flushed her face with a red hue. Hao wasn't looking at her and dropped his arms heavily at his sides.

"What?" This was the only thing she could force out of her mouth. She was confused and slightly offended, and she wanted an explanation.

"I love you," he said weakly, "but you don't love me. I won't fall any deeper into this just for you to decide on a whim you're leaving. We can end this nonsense now."

"Nonsense?" she mumbled in confusion. "I wouldn't--"

"You don't know what you want." He walked away a few steps until she was behind him. "I know what I want. I want you. But, I won't force you to feel what I feel. Maybe Yoh can't let you go, but I can. You can get out of my house."

Anna was deeply offended by his delivery, something that became much of a habit, but she couldn't argue with him. He was right, and she knew it. Hao seemed to possess a clarity she long abandoned, and she hated the woman she had become. With every impulsive decision she left a trail of pain for someone, no matter how many times she tried to convince herself otherwise. She knew he loved her; he loved her enough to let her go. It was a love she didn't have the courage to possess. Perhaps Yoh didn't either.

"I'll pack my things," she said finally after several seconds of silence.

He didn't respond and left the room quickly, walking swiftly down the hallway and outside onto the front steps. She flinched and closed her eyes when she heard the door slam and stared at the wall briefly before allowing her tears to stream down her cheeks.