7.
Nervously Rachel pushed open the familiar bedroom door, for the last few months she had been coming here at least once a week. At first it was under the pretence of giving Shaun singing lessons, but as the weeks went by a close friendship formed and it wasn't long before she realised that the weekly visits were benefiting her just as much.
"Hey," Rachel smiled.
Shaun looked away from the TV screen on the wall. "Hey."
"Sorry I didn't come by last week," Rachel apologised as she sat down in the comfortable chair next to the bed.
Smiling gently he silently let her know that it was alright. "I'm sure you had your reasons, anyway you're here now … I've missed you."
"Missed you too," Rachel breathed.
"You look different," Shaun pointed out, sensing that there was something wrong with his friend.
Her eyes darted around the room as Rachel started to panic, surely there was no way he could tell just by looking at her, I mean it's not like she was wearing a t-shirt announcing the news. "I do?"
"You look tired," Shaun pointed out, taking in the circles around her eyes.
Rachel nodded. "It's been a long week."
Being unable to move gave Shaun nothing but time to watch people, since the accident he had become a keen observer of human behaviour, and his knowledge of his new friend told him that something was going on with her. "It's more than that."
"How is therapy going?" Rachel asked, changing the subject.
Shaun however wasn't about to let her deflect the attention away from her. "Therapy is going well, it gives me time to do nothing but talk about myself, which is why I want to talk about you now."
"I-"
"I thought we were friends," Shaun breathed, he knew it was a low trick but he was starting to get very concerned about her.
Looking down at the ground Rachel bit her bottom lip before speaking. "I've been … I was in hospital for a few days and … well … I'm sick …"
"Sick?" Shaun stuttered.
"Yes," Rachel whispered, her voice barely audible over the sound of her heart beating against her chest.
Blinking slowly Shaun wanted nothing more than to be able to reach out and take his distraught friend in his arms, but he couldn't. "Hold my hand."
Silently Rachel obliged as she picked up his hand and held it close to her chest before moving the chair forward.
"What did say is wrong?" Shaun finally asked, a part of him didn't want to know, the same part of him that saw Rachel as a perfect, untouched, singing goddess that had brought laughter and music back into his life.
"Cancer. A brain tumour," Rachel explained, wondering how many times she had said that over the past week.
Shaun tried to keep his voice calm as he asked the next question. "When do you start treatment?"
"I'm going to New York to take part in a clinical trial, I leave tomorrow," Rachel answered, her voice thick with emotion.
"Clinical trial, that's good right?" Shaun asked.
Slowly as if it was weighted with lead Rachel shook her head. "No. It's just the only treatment that's offering any type of a future."
"I-"
"I have a glioblastoma multiforme, it's a stage four very aggressive type of brain tumour known as an astrocytoma, it's also located in a very precarious part of my brain," Rachel began to explain realising that this was the first time she had shared the full, encyclopaedia-edition, hard to digest version on her diagnosis with someone.
Shaun wanted to tighten his grip on her hand but as usual his body failed to respond. "But there is something they can do?"
"I'm going to have surgery to try and remove the majority of the tumour, during the surgery they are going to use very fine radiation and inject chemotherapy right into the site of the tumour. After that … depending on how successful the surgery is I'm going to start a chemotherapy and radiotherapy protocol," Rachel told him, her voice flat as she recited what had been explained to her so many times already.
"And then you'll be alright?" Zach hoped.
A part of Rachel wanted to lie and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but she couldn't. "I know it sounds all so made for TV movie but without treatment the doctors have given me six month. Even with treatment this is one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer with the lowest survival rate. My dad he found this trial in New York which is offering long term survival of up to five years so-"
"Five years that's-"
"Better than six months," Rachel shrugged.
Shaun was trying hard not to cry, because if Rachel could be strong then so could he. "And who knows, in five years everything could change, people keep telling me that so the same goes for you."
"Right," Rachel nodded. "I mean no one ever knows what is just around the corner."
"What two better examples of that than us?" Shaun asked, as his lips curled up into a small, bittersweet smile.
An almost angry silence settled over them as they both found themselves pondering the unfairness of the hands they had been dealt. The silence only broken by the ticking of the second hand on Shaun's novelty football clock.
Looking around the room Rachel found herself really observing everything about it for the first time. From the framed football jersey to the track medals as she realised just how much one moment had taken from him.
"What's your biggest regret?" Rachel asked, being the first to speak.
Shaun's eyes rolled upwards before he looked in her direction. "Ever seen the film Never Been Kissed?"
"No," Rachel frowned.
"Really? Drew Barrymore, David Arquette?" Shaun questioned.
Rachel shook her head. "Never seen it."
"Well you should, it's so bad that it's almost good. Finn and I watched it a few years back," Shaun told her, his cheeks blushing slightly.
"What does that have to do with regrets?" Rachel wondered.
Shaun's whole faced turned the same bright red as his cheeks. "Because that's me. I've never been kissed."
"I find that hard to believe," Rachel smiled, watching him blush further.
"It's true, not even a peck on the lips, unless you count playing spin the bottle when I was ten," Shaun admitted.
Rachel eye's widened. "But you're a good-"
"Good looking jock," Shaun finished for her.
"Yes," Rachel agreed, her ears turning red.
Shaun licked his lips, as he felt his mouth go dry. "Maybe so, but I was only fifteen when the accident happened. I was into my sports and music. I honestly thought I had all the time in the world for girls, just goes to show how wrong I was."
"You're still here," Rachel pointed out.
"Not really though, I might as well be a ghost where girls are concerned," Shaun breathed, his voice full of longing.
Looking up at the clock Rachel realised that Puck would probably be waiting outside for her. "I need to go, there is so much left to arrange before tomorrow."
"When will I see you again?" Shaun asked, as he felt himself losing the battle against his emotions.
Rachel stood up and rested her hand on top of his. "I don't know."
"I-"
"I'll send you video messages, you can watch them on your laptop," Rachel assured him. "It will be like I never left and then I'll be back before you know it."
Shaun could feel the tears now falling freely down his face. "I hope so," he whispered.
Leaning forward Rachel gently wiped the tears from his face before leaning forward, resting her hand gently on either side of his face she smile softly before kissing him gently on the lips.
Closing his eyes Shaun found himself missing the contact as she finally pulled away from him. "I … why?"
"No regrets," Rachel smiled as she blew him a kiss before heading out of the door leaving Shaun alone as the last few minutes played over and over again in his mind like a movie.
GLEE - GLEE - GLEE
As Puck pulled up outside of her house Rachel leaned her head against the back of the seat and closed her eyes, smiling as the wind blew softly across her face.
"Your dad's will be waiting for you," Puck said, turning the engine off.
Rachel shook her head. "Daddy has already left for New York and Abba is going to be in Cleveland until late, he needs to finish up filing the paperwork on a big case before we leave tomorrow."
"Wow I can't believe you actually managed to talk them into leaving you home alone," Puck yawned.
"I didn't," Rachel smiled as she saw him trying to hide the yawn, apparently bad ass jocks didn't get tired. "Shelby is staying over tonight."
Puck nodded. "How's that going?"
"How would you feel if your father walked back into your life after turning his back on you?" Rachel asked.
"Pissed," Puck admitted.
Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Exactly. Even though we had this bonding moment she's still the woman that walked out on me twice. I don't know what to say to her."
"Wow, Rachel Berry doesn't know what to say, it must be serious," Puck joked.
Lightly Rachel punched him on the arm. "If I go in there it's just going to be lots of walking on eggshells and awkward conversations."
"You have to go home at some point Berry," Puck reminded her.
Looking out of the window at the streetlight opposite her Rachel leaned her head against the cool glass. "Tonight is probably the last night in a long time that I just get to be normal a sixteen year old teenager. Because once I get to New York everything is going to be about the cancer. I'm going to just be a diagnosis, a CT scan on a computer or a protocol number-"
"No one will ever take who you are away from you," Puck assured her. "You're one of the strongest personalities I know. Your Rachel Freaking Berry and not even cancer will ever change that."
"Maybe," Rachel breathed.
Puck looked at his reflection in the rear-view mirror. "Not maybe. Hell yeah!"
"I just want tonight to be about anything but cancer," Rachel admitted.
"I can do that," Puck grinned as he turned the key in the ignition and reversed his truck away form her house, making a left turn at the end of the road.
Rachel turned to face him. "Where are we going?"
"To enjoy being sixteen," Puck told her as he carefully manoeuvred the streets of Lima before finally reaching his destination.
"The bowling alley?" Rachel asked.
Puck shook his head. "It's not just a bowling alley, they have an arcade, a dance floor, karaoke and … roller-skates."
"I take it you come here a lot?" Rachel guessed.
Puck shrugged, his cheeks blushing. "My little sister loves it here, she says that a few hours here makes everything alright."
"You're a good man Noah," Rachel whispered as she followed him out of the truck.
Puck stopped in his tracks as her words echoed around in his mind, no one had ever said that to him before. He'd been called good-looking, people had complimented him on his sporting prowess but no one had ever called him a good man before.
"You alright?" Rachel asked.
Puck nodded. "Great. I'm great."
"Good," Rachel smiled as she linked arms with him and practically pulled him towards the brightly lit building.
Four games of bowling, a tray full of drinks, two bags of cotton candy, four cuddly toys, one very competitive game of Wii tennis and two pizzas later an exhausted Puck and Rachel were forced to call it a night as the establishment closed down for the night.
Sitting on the kerb by his truck Puck watched as Rachel tapped her foot along to a tune only she could hear.
"I don't know if I'm ready to go home yet," Rachel admitted.
"This is Lima, Ohio, everything is shut at this time," Puck reminded her.
Standing up Rachel tilted her head back and laughed before pulling Puck to his feet. "I have an idea."
"Really?" Puck asked, his voice low as he followed her across the parking lot and through the trees.
Stopping to catch her breath Rachel waited for him to catch up with her. "I haven't been here in months."
"It's the park," Puck frowned, wondering what was so special about the small area of grass.
"Where is your romantic side?" Rachel asked as she led him over to an area of grass by a small pond.
Sitting down Puck watched as the stars reflected off the gentle ripples in the water. "I've never been here after dark before."
"They do open air concerts here in the summer, I help out," Rachel explained.
Lying down Puck rested his arms under his head as Rachel lied down next to him, both of them seemingly entranced by the almost, full-moon that dominated the night sky.
"What are you thinking about?" Puck asked, tilting his head to watch her.
"Regrets," Rachel breathed.
Puck's brow furrowed as he watched her nervously chew her bottom lip. "Like?"
"I don't want to have any," Rachel admitted.
"Then don't," Puck smiled, even though deep down he knew it wasn't that simple.
Rolling over so that she was on her front with her head resting on her hands Rachel nodded. "Why did you kiss me after Regionals?"
"Adrenaline," Puck lied.
"Oh," Rachel breathed, her voice full of hurt.
Realising his mistake Puck sat up. "No. I just … I don't want to complicate things. You need to concentrate on yourself and any day now I'm going to be a father."
"But you do feel something?" Rachel asked.
After a few minutes Puck nodded. "Yes. I just don't know what though, because I've never felt like this about anyone before."
"You're my best friend," Rachel admitted, her voice nothing more than a whisper.
Laughing softly Puck ran his hand through his hair. "I don't think I've ever been friends with a girl before."
"If things were different do you think we would ever be boyfriend and girlfriend?" Rachel wondered.
Considering his answer carefully Puck watched as the stars reflected in her rich, chocolate orbs. "Maybe. Maybe not."
"As decisive as ever," Rachel laughed.
"I like you, in a way I've never liked anyone before. But I know who I am and I've never done the boyfriend and girlfriend thing before, it's just not who I am and I don't want to … you're … I don't want to ever be the person to break your heart," Puck explained, his voice barely audible over the sound of the wind through the trees.
Rachel watched as a small bird landed on the pond before turning her attention back to Puck. "Jesse broke my heart. I thought he really wanted me but he was just working for Shelby and to think I almost …"
"Almost what?" Puck asked.
"Almost let him be the person I lost my virginity too," Rachel breathed.
Puck sat up straight. "But I thought?"
"I lied to Finn, I didn't want him to think I was weird and uptight for not going through with it," Rachel sighed.
"So you didn't?" Puck double checked.
Rachel shook her head. "No."
"Which means you're still a-"
Nodding Rachel smiled. "Virgin. Yes."
"Woah," Puck breathed, his heart beating against his chest as he tried to pinpoint why it seemed to be pumping so much more than usual.
Suddenly quiet Rachel looked down at her hands as she played with her nails. "Which means I'll probably never sleep with anyone now."
"You don't know that," Puck tried to reassure her.
"I'm probably going to die a virgin," Rachel stuttered.
Tentatively Puck reached out and rested his hand on the small of her back. "You can't think like that."
"Boys never noticed me before all of this, now no one is going to think twice about me, I mean who wants to date a dying girl," Rachel raved, her voice full of anger at the situation.
"You are worth so much more than any of the guys at school," Puck insisted.
Pulling herself up to her knees Rachel rested her hand on his shoulders. "What about you Noah?"
"What about me?" Puck asked, starting to feel uncomfortable.
Rachel made sure to keep eye contact as she spoke. "Would you … you know … I mean you're here, I'm here … we're friends so it doesn't have to be complicated. Just one friend helping out another friend."
Puck almost choked on nothing as she spelt out her proposition. "You make it sound simple, like you're asking me to do a music video with you or something."
"It doesn't need to be any more complicated than it is. It's just like in Friends when Joey and Phoebe agreed to get married if they were still single at thirty," Rachel reasoned.
"But we're not thirty," Puck pointed out.
Rachel picked a handful of daisy's from the ground and started threading them through each other. "And I never will be."
"You don't-"
"Yes I do," Rachel insisted, cutting him off. "Twenty maybe, thirty never."
Puck watched as she added another daisy to the chain. "Well how about this; if at twenty you're still a … you know then … yes … but until then … I can't."
"Let's let the daisy decide," Rachel smiled as she picked a fresh daisy.
"Huh?" Puck frowned.
Rachel rolled the tiny flower between her fingers. "A bit like the he loves me, he loves me not game," she smiled as she began plucking the petals off one by one. "Yes. No. Yes. No-"
"Stop," Puck pleaded taking the daisy from her and throwing it towards the pond.
"It's not like you've never had sex before," Rachel reminded him.
Puck screwed his eyes together as he took a deep breath before finding the strength to face her. "That's not the point here."
"Then what is?" Rachel asked.
"This isn't like every other time, this isn't just going to be about alcohol, sex and a night of fun. I like … I care about you, a lot," Puck admitted.
Rachel nodded, running her hand through his hair. "Which is why I want it to be you. I want to lose my virginity to you Noah Puckerman."
"You're serious about this aren't you?" Puck asked as he took in the determined look in her eyes.
Rachel nodded, her eyes sparkling. "You're my closest friend. I want to do this and I need it to be you, there's no one else I would trust enough to not take advantage or make more of it."
"I don't-"
"Noah. Please," Rachel whispered into his ear as she ran her hand through his hair.
Despite his protests Puck was still a hot-blooded-male, a fact that he was quickly reminded of as he felt his body respond to Rachel's touch. "Berry … I …"
"Sh," Rachel sung, kissing the back of his neck as her hands fumbled nervously with his zip.
"We're really doing this aren't we?" Puck asked, his voice low as he felt her hand make it's way down his stomach until it reached the waistband of his boxers.
Reaching inside his boxers Rachel leaned closer to him, her lips trailing kisses across his collarbone as she felt his hand creep gently up her thigh. "We're really doing this," she breathed, her voice light and free from all the pain and uncertainty of the past few weeks.
"Ok," Noah agreed as he slowly fell to the ground pulling her on top of him, being careful not to lose contact at the same time.
"Noah," Rachel breathed as she felt his other hand move through her hair.
Gently Noah pulled her closer to him as his lips found hers. "Sh," he breathed.
With the stars reflecting brightly on the surface of the pond, as the wind whistled through the tress in an almost melodious way Rachel Berry lost her virginity as Noah Puckerman realised the difference between sex and making love.
It was also the exact moment that Noah Puckerman found himself finally understanding what everyone had been dancing, writing and singing about for centuries. As he finally realised what the new emotion he had been feeling was. He was in love, for the first time in sixteen years Bas Ass Noah Puckerman was in love with a girl.
And it was Puck came to that realisation that Rachel Berry allowed herself to completely let go and just be a sixteen year old girl experiencing her first time with someone she cared about, someone she loved.
With the moon high in the sky the moment was almost perfect, marred only by the aggressive tumour that was slowly eating away at Rachel's future happiness.
G
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I decided to put this authors note at the end because I didn't want to give away what happened in this chapter. When planning this story I made a very conscious decision to stay true to the heartbreaking reality of Rachel's diagnosis, I didn't want to make it a soap opera brain tumour that miraculously disappears. It was either write it honestly or not write it at all. Just like I made a conscious decision to leave most of the final scene unwritten and leave it to people's imaginations rather than write it in full.
Thank you so much to everyone that has reviewed, this story means a lot to me and the reviews really do too. I wasn't sure when I started writing it if people would read it because of the subject so it makes me a very happy writer to receive all the alerts I have.