Chapter title is from Dante. Thank you so much to those who are reading and/or reviewing. Now we get into the grit of the story.

Chapter One: That Book Which is my Memory

Ms. Misra,

I thought I might be hearing from you. I wasn't sure when, or under what circumstances, but these things have a way of working themselves out. Though Shepard never mentioned you, my work led me to discover your existence some time ago. I never brought it up with her – there was never an appropriate time, there was always a new emergency, and, I confess, I didn't want to admit to snooping in her private affairs, however true it might be.

You want an friends's opinion on Shepard – I can understand that. I could write whole books on her character, on her bravery, her compassion, her skill... But I never will, for much the same reason I never talked about you. Even to those that know her best, there are bits of Shepard that will never be fully understood or realized. Whether she built this wall on purpose or not is anyone's guess, but I have no intention of tearing it down. After all she did for us, it's the least I can do.

Suffice it to say, that if you've inherited even a modicum of what she is, the galaxy is better for having you in it.

Beyond that, I can't in good conscience say any more. If you wish for a more in-depth perspective on Shepard, especially during the Reaper War, might I suggest Commander James Vega? It is my understanding that they had a unique relationship following her incarceration. Even Shepard could not object to his telling you what he knows.

All the best,

Liara T'Soni

o-o-o

James couldn't say with any authority that he knew Commander Shepard. That much was becoming increasingly obvious with every lightyear they flew away from Earth. Sure, he and she had been on good terms back when she'd been under arrest, but what he didn't know back then was that although her rank had reared its head every so often, that woman hadn't been Commander Shepard, no siree. All those times he'd been put in his place with a curt word or sharp glance? Preparation for this mission, so far as he was concerned.

The second those Reaper bastards started falling out of the sky, his adrenaline had been rushing. With every one of those creepy ass husks he shot, it rose higher and higher. By the time he boarded the Normandy with the Major, he was fucking pumped to take that ship and shoot some Reapers the hell off his planet. You know, until Shepard had walked in, face grim, and announced that they were leaving, like it was time for a damned vacation.

"Anderson told me to leave, to take the Normandy, to go get help," she said. "So that's what I'm going to do."

"Bullshit!" he replied. "Anderson wouldn't order that."

Shepard barely glanced at him. "He just did. He knows this war is already lost if we don't go get help."

It was like he was some sort of pressure cooker, and the timer just dinged. Here she was, his fucking hero since before he could even remember, the ballsiest person in the galaxy, and she was running away like a coward. Well, James wasn't about to be a part of it. "Forget it," he snapped. "Drop me off someplace because -" What he meant to say was because I'm not leaving, but he didn't get a chance because the next second Shepard was all up in his face, expression angrier than he'd ever seen.

"Don't you think I'd rather stay and fight?" she said, voice steely. "We're going to the Citadel to get help. Period. If you don't like it, you can catch a shuttle from there."

James had done something macho, like... walked away, and somehow, they ended up here. On Mars. With a dust storm coming. To look for God knew what. To say that he was less than impressed with his current predicament would be a huge understatement. The only thing keeping him going through the mission was the thought that the sooner they got off this rock, the sooner they could hit up the Citadel and the sooner he could be on his way home to blow those Reaper shits out of the sky.

He and the Major fell in behind Shepard. They came to a bend and see Alliance soldiers surrounded by Cerberus troops. He couldn't see Shepard face, but he heard the strain in her voice when she said, "Wait here."

She fizzled out of existence, and only her footsteps in the soft Martian soil gave her away until she comes to an outcropping of rock. James' hands tightened on the barrel of his assault rifle as he peeked out around his cover. Every bone in his body was telling him to start shooting, but he held and he was glad for it when he saw that Cerberus' head explode like a watermelon in summer. He and the Major took that as their cue to start firing as well, but every time James got a lock on a hostile, that hostile's head was suddenly missing. What the hell kind of ammo was Shepard using?

One Cerberus trooper came close to Shepard so that she has to vault backwards, but she twirled like a dancer and swung open her omni-blade, catching him with a current of electricity that left him seizing until the breath went out of him. Upon feeling his gaze on her, Shepard turned to him and there was a smile in her voice, "Isn't it great? Got her fully operational."

During her time in custody, Shepard had given him that little prototype to test for her. He had, on the down low, reporting his findings. After giving her what she needed, he'd switched back to the standard issue blade. He like slicing way more than he liked frying, personally.

"What the hell was that?" asked the Major.

"Just a little something I cooked up a while back," offered Shepard, reloading her rifle with a new thermal clip. She gestures with her head to both of them, and starts forward.

"I wasn't talking about your blade," said the Major, sounding grumpy. "I meant about Cerberus. What are they doing here?"

"Beats me," said Shepard.

"You don't know?"

"Why the hell would I?"

"You worked for them, for God's sake." The Major was nearly growling in frustration.

He knew there was a mission, and he knew that of the three of them, he was the lowest on the food chain, but damn if he wasn't starting to seriously dislike Major Alenko. Sure, he himself was pissed at Shepard, but that was totally different. He wondered, not for the first time in the last few hours, exactly what the relationship between the two of them was. Shepard was more focused, more confident than she'd been in custody, but the Major was showing some serious trust issues at the moment that didn't look all that present back on Earth.

The three of them loaded onto the elevator. As the door hissed shut, Shepard took off her helmet, shaking her head free of sweat. She levelled an annoyed look at the Major. "I worked with them to take down the Collectors, that's it. I don't know anything more than that. Hell, I stole their ship and billed them for thousands of credits. It was a nasty divorce. Trust me when I say that we're no longer friends."

"What do you expect me to think?" The Major had taken off his helmet and was now leaning against the rail.

It was clear that Major Douchebag didn't know Shepard as well as he thought. This, for some reason, made James want to puff up like a peacock. Or, failing that, made him want to punch the Major in the face. If he had any idea what Shepard went through with those Cerberus bastards, well, he'd be singing another song entirely. Of course, if James were to rip out his windpipe, he wouldn't be singing much of anything. The image of a naked body filled with wires and tubes, gasping for breath, more skeleton than human but with swinging blue eyes... James could look at Shepard and see that she wasn't that, not anymore, but Cerberus, they did that to her.

With all the things he had planned out to say, what he said was, "The Commander was under heavy surveillance on Earth. No way communications got through without us knowing." He punched a new thermal clip into his own gun for emphasis.

The Major didn't look convinced, not even when Shepard added, "You know me. You know I'd only have done it for the right reasons. Please trust me." The elevator slowed to a stop at the top, and she took point again, gun ready.

"I do trust you," started the Major, sounding like a whiny kid, but all that was put on pause when sound filtered through the air ducts. Without being told, they all ducked behind a vehicle, watching for hostiles. James couldn't see much – Shepard got to peer around not him – but he heard a few shots and then nothing. Shepard stood and rounded the corner, and, still used to having her back, James followed, ready to blow away some Cerberus grunts.

Only it wasn't a Cerberus grunt, it was an asari. Shepard placed her hand on James' weapon and pushed down, smiling. "At ease, LT. She's with us." She strode forward, arms outstretched, and took the other woman into a hug. The asari looked frazzled but pleased to see the Commander, and the small part of James' brain that was still functioning at a higher level told him that this must be Doctor Liara T'Soni. Mostly, he couldn't get over the fact that Shepard was voluntarily showing affection.

Of course, happy reunions didn't last that long, and he was more than ready. Shepard stole most of his kills outside, and now he was ready to make good on his desire for battle. That was, until Shepard put him in the corner.

"Not this time, James," she said, and her using his name was like a slap in the face. So off he went on his own, back to the shuttle. He kicked that damned door open and sat in the pilot's seat, watching the sensors track the storm. He leaned back, hands behind his head, sweating in his armour and desperately wishing he were inside. If he couldn't be back on Earth, he could at least be watching Shepard's back and taking out a few Cerberus thugs in the meanwhile. But no, she's with an asari civilian and an old – what? Friend? James mentally scoffed at the idea – that didn't trust her. It was like the idea for a bad sitcom.

"Got shelved by Shepard, huh?" said a voice over the comm, and he recognized it from months before as Jeff Moreau.

"Yeah," he said, letting that one word carry all his annoyance.

"Tough break," said Moreau lightly. "If it's any consolation, you're not missing out on much. Probably some horrific experiments with a splash of murder thrown from the bucket of intrigue."

"Lucky me," said James flatly.

"Man, no wonder she took you aboard. You're as twitchy for battle as she is."

James resisted the urge to tell this guy that actually, Shepard hadn't technically taken him anywhere, the Major had, because he was too caught up in what might've been a compliment. Didn't matter anyways, 'cause a few seconds later the comm turned to static and no matter how many buttons he pushed, he couldn't get the Normandy back. So he tried Shepard, asking for her location. Unfortunately, the storm had gotten close enough that she wasn't able to hear him properly. He drummed his fingers on the dash before deciding, to hell with this, he was going to take to the air and see what he could see.

And it was lucky for him that he did, because only a few minutes later Shepard was hollering for help. Purpose, and a fresh dose of anger, drove him forward, slamming his own shuttle into the fleeing Cerberus transport before dropping her down near the Commander. Shepard marched around the corner as he was exiting and clapped him on the shoulder. "You all right?"

"Course," he said, grinning at her.

The corner of her mouth quirked only slightly. "That wasn't really what I had in mind."

He shrugged. "I improvised."

Shepard opened her mouth to say something, but it was cut short by the scream from T'Soni. She was off before James could even muster a thought, pistol drawn. He heard shots fired and got his own rifle ready, following her lead but by the time he was in sight of the creepy robot lady, she'd already gone down and Shepard was running towards the Major like her life depended on it. The Major didn't look so hot, black and blue bruises spread over his face. Shepard ran her hands over his face, trying to get his attention but to no avail. She hoisted the Major up over her shoulders and nodded to him.

"Get that thing on the ship," she said with a fierce gesture towards the robot.

No problem, though James, proving once again that he was an idiot. The thing weighed more than Shepard, probably, and where only seconds before he'd wondered if maybe he should take the Major and Shepard should take the metal body, he now saw the wisdom of her choice. He followed her aboard the Normandy, up the elevator and to the medbay, where she dropped the Major carefully on one of the cots and stood there, biting her lip. It was a gesture James knew well, and she pulled it out whenever she was stuck inside her own head.

He'd never seen her look so distraught, though, her eyes scanning the Major's limp form until T'Soni jumped in and practically ordered Shepard to the Citadel. His estimation of the asari rose several notches.

He wasn't formally dismissed, but from the way Shepard was running around, he was sure he wasn't going to be needed anymore. He went back to the cargo bay in time to see – holy shit, was that Estaban? - inspecting the kodiak. The other man glanced up, eyes alighting on James, and gave a sort of amused but weary grin.

"Should've known this would be your work, Mr. Vega," he said, walking forward with his hand outstretched, seemingly unsurprised to see his former crew.

"You know me," said James, clasping the hand with his own and pulling the man into a friendly embrace. "Can never miss a chance to do a little damage."

"Good to see you're all right." Estaban's brows fell over his eyes. "Pretty hairy down there, huh?"

"Wouldn't know." James set about taking off his armour. He sat down on a crate, removing his boots.

"You pouting?"

"No, I ain't pouting," snapped James, fumbling with his greaves. He tossed them aside and hunkered down, dipping his head. "I just – I woke up this morning, and I was on Earth, you know? And then those giant squid bastards came falling outta the sky, and what does Shepard do? She hightails it the hell out of there! That's my home, man."

"Yeah, I get you," said Estaban, leaning against a crate. "But this is Commander Shepard. You know that she's going to do whatever's necessary, right? I mean, back when we were stationed together, didn't you used to bitch and moan about how great it would be to work on her crew? Now's your chance."

"She says we gotta go to the Citadel to get help." James couldn't quite keep himself from sounding moody.

"And has she given you any reason to doubt her?"

"Well, no," fumbled James, and he suddenly felt like a little shit. There he was, berating Major Alenko for not trusting Shepard when he was just as guilty. He snapped off his breastplate and it clanged to the ground. "Damn, Estaban. Anyone ever tell you you're good at this pep talk shit?"

A nostalgic smile crept onto Estaban's face. "More than a few times." He clapped James on the shoulder and started back towards the kodiak.

"Hey Estaban," called James, waiting until the other man turned to look. "Thanks, man."

Estaban only shrugged and kept walking. James got out of the rest of his gear, stowing it in an unclaimed locker. He dropped his gun on the weapon's bench and slowly set about cleaning his weapon. This, at least, was something he was good at, something he liked doing. He could disassemble the thing and get rid of all his thoughts and worries. He almost didn't notice when a pair of footsteps approached and a sniper rifle was suddenly dropped next to him.

Focused only on her rifle, Shepard took the thing apart in under a minute.

James opened his mouth to, okay, maybe not apologize, but something. She cut him off with a raised hand. "Don't, Lieutenant. I need to think." He tried not to wince at the realization that they were back to ranks instead of names. Never let it be said that he wasn't a good soldier, though, so he kept up his cleaning while he watched her out of the corner of his eye. She finished long before him, her gun pristine, and she put it in her locker before leaving without a second glance.

He thought he'd met the Commander months ago, but he was wrong. That woman who just left, that was Commander Shepard. James just wished he could figure out how come he felt like he'd just lost something other than his planet.

Next Chapter: James gets to see what Shepard does best.