Stalag XIII

Gertrude sat quietly listening to her brother on the phone giving instructions to his aide. She was half listening to him as her mind drifted to her first meeting of her soon to be, if Albert had his way, husband. She had watched while Klink blatantly drooled over her daughter to the point Gertrude had wanted to offer him a bib. Did he really think Albert would have to arrange a marriage for his niece? Lotte had more admirers than there were tealeaves in China. She thought about her first impression of Wilhelm Klink. Watching him in the compound gave her the impression he was nothing more than a pompous strutting peacock who had an over inflated sense of self-worth. His blatant dismissal of her during introductions still stung. Even though she did not care for the man, the disgusted look on his face during his introduction to her cut deep. She had smiled and replied politely; biting back the sharp rebuke she had wanted to give him but her face still burned with the shame. She had done nothing to deserve such ill treatment from him. Is this the kind of man her brother wanted her shacked to for the rest of her life?

To be fair, Gertrude knew this was Albert's way of protecting her. Not only was there financial issues that concerned her brother but also with Gregor being hunted by the Gestapo, she was in a very vulnerable position. Albert had distanced himself from their brother but she had continued to correspond with him between the time he started publishing until the announcement of his arrest warrant. Albert sought to protect her by marrying her to someone the General Staff did not perceive as a threat, someone easy to control and manipulate. After a happy marriage to a strong man, the idea of a marrying a wet noodle was less than appealing. She knew she could not talk Albert out of his obsession with seeing her married, so her only hope would be to sabotage things again. She had done it successfully with Obersts Burmeister and Bussie, perhaps she could do it one more time.

Her wandering mind returned to the present when she heard her brother tell his aide to have the field artillery move 20 kilometers northwest of their current position.

"….Ja and with dispatch," Burkhalter said as he hung up the phone. Gertrude waited for him to start trying to sell her on the idea of Klink as husband material. She did not have to wait long.

"Well," Albert said as he sat down next to her. "What do you think of our Oberst Klink?"

Our Klink? You mean your Klink, Gertrude thought sourly.

"He looks like a dead fish," interjected Lotte.

"I was not asking you Lotte," Albert said in an annoyed tone, "I was asking your mother. Well Gertrude?"

"Well I don't know. It seems to I should be able to do better than an Oberst. If I would consider marriage at all, why not a Generalleuatant?'

"I will tell you why Gertrude. In the first place you're no spring chicken."

"Albert," Gertrude replied annoyed with her brother's bluntness.

"In the second place you're no great beauty."

"ALBERT!" Gertrude yelled, becoming truly annoyed with her brother. Did he think she did not have a mirror or she was unaware the how the years had taken a toll on her beauty? He did not have to rub her face in it. She cursed softly to herself and wondered if other sisters ever thought of doing physical harm to their brothers. Of course, the General ignored her warnings and continued to add salt to the wound.

"There are very few unmarried men around and quite a few widows."

"I am not a widow!" she said looking at brother, daring him to dispute her claim. "My husband was reported missing in action," Gertrude said. My beloved Otto, gone forever, her soul cried out as she struggled to hold herself together and not give in to her grief.

"On the Russian Front, missing in action makes you a widow beyond a shadow of a doubt," Albert replied harshly.

It was obvious that Albert was not going to sway easily. He had made up his mind and Gertrude knew she had her work cut out to untangle herself from this mess. What she needed was time to come up with a workable plan.

"I haven't made up my mind about Oberst Klink," Gertrude argued hoping to buy some time. "I have to know him better."

"I still say he looks like a dead fish," Lotte declared as she exited the bedroom and joined them in the sitting area.

You tell him Lotte.

"You'd better be nice to him. That dead fish maybe your father."

Gertrude reluctantly agreed with her brother's assessment. If she did not act quickly, she would be saddled with a man who did not want her any more than she wanted him. Gertrude thought about the shabby buildings and the shabby men who occupied them. The idea that this would be her new home chilled her to the bone. Could Albert not see how soul killing this place was? Both prisoners and guards had the same sad shell-shocked look about them. No, she would have to redouble her efforts. There had to be a way out of this. She thought about planting some incriminating evidence on Klink but then dismissed the idea. While Klink was a fool, he was a harmless one. No, she needed a plan where everyone involved could save face. Perhaps if she approached him privately, felt him out, she might come up with a way out of this mess. Yes, that is what I will do, she decided.

She was surprised when she entered Klink's office to see an American prisoner standing in his office, a colonel if her memory served her correctly. She was immediately on guard and unsure how to proceed. She decided the best option was just to talk and see what information she would be able to gleam from the interaction.

"Frau Linkmeyer, where is the rest of you? I mean your daughter," Klink said laughing nervously at his obvious faux pas.

"The General is showing her around the camp. I wanted to talk to you by myself," Gertrude said, electing to take the direct approach.

"Oh yes of course, by all means," replied Klink.

"Well I'll be going then," the American replied and turned for the door.

"No, no, no Hogan wait," Klink said.

Gertrude watched as he hunted around on his desk for a task for the American to do. He does not want to be left alone with me, interesting.

Klink picked up some papers at random and shoved them into Hogan's hands. "You haven't finished your filing."

"Filing?"

"You asked about filing," Klink said with a touch of desperation in his voice.

"Oh, oh filing," Hogan said as he accepted the papers and moved over to the filing cabinet.

Those two are a pair of Katzenjammer Kids if I ever saw one, Gertrude thought as she watched the exchange between the flustered Kommandant and the bemused American.

"Oh Frau Linkmeyer, sit down please, sit down," Klink said as he placed a chair near her. Gertrude noticed he had place the chair facing away from him and towards Colonel Hogan. She wondered how to interpret this act. Gertrude decided to proceed with some random questions while she turned it over in her mind. She accepted the offered seat, which had Klink standing behind her and her facing Hogan's back. An arrangement designed to better to communicate with each other without my supposed knowledge, no doubt.

"I believe the General talked to you about a little matter," she began.

"Yes he did. He certainly did. With his very own mouth," answered a nervous Klink.

She watched with silent amusement the pained look that crossed Hogan's face.

"Naturally there are certain questions I need to ask you. You understand?"

"Oh yes. If I were in your place, I would do exactly the same thing. Please feel free to ask me anything," Klink replied in a tone that told her he was less than thrilled with the prospect of being questioned by her.

"Do you drink or gamble?"

"Never, isn't that right Colonel Hogan."

"Oh that's right, right. Never."

"Good," replied Gertrude. "Now who do you think should handle the money in the family, the husband or the wife?" Gertrude hoped his answer would be something she could find a reason for offense and end this charade.

"Who? Who?"

The man sounds like an owl.

"Uh, the Kommandant as a solider feels the wife should handle the money, he'll handle the war. I've heard him say that a hundred times."

"That's right," Klink said coming around to stand before Gertrude. "That is what I said."

Why is he deferring to Hogan and why would they be discussing such intimate matters? This is an interesting turn and bears further exploration.

"Very well expressed," Gertrude said wanting to end this farce.

"I thought so myself," Klink whispered to Hogan.

When Schultz blundered into the office, it gave Gertrude a perfect excuse to end the interview. She needed time to think about this new information and how best to use it to her advantage. It amused her somewhat to see the look on the old fool's face when she told him Lotte did not like him. Better he be embarrassed here and end his hopeless fascination, than Lotte do it loudly and publicly. Lotte may have inherited her father's good looks but she inherited her mother's sharp tongue. Gertrude knew of more than one man Lotte had verbally sliced and diced. At least she had spared this man the same fate. Whether he deserved it or not was still up to debate.

Making her excuses, Gertrude left the Kommandant's office and headed back to the VIP quarters. Albert was there waiting in ambush. She gave an audible sigh upon seeing him sitting where she had left him. She had too much on her mind to want to trade barbs with her brother. Gertrude just wanted some peace to sort out the new information she had. Colonel Hogan held some kind of sway over Klink. Gertrude immediately began to wonder if Albert knew.

"Well what did you think, Gertrude?" Albert asked.

She mulled the question over in her mind as she sat down next to her brother. "I don't know, Albert. I need more time."

"At your age, time is something you don't have."

"Albert I am warning you!"

"And I am warning you Gertrude, time is running out. I want this matter settled as soon as possible. Klink likes you and would be a very manageable husband."

"I don't want a manageable husband. I want Otto."

"That is not possible so put it out of your mind," Albert ordered. His voice soften, "Take the time to know him Gertrude. It's a good match, I promise." The General leaned over and patted her hand affectionately and then got up and left their quarters without further comment.

Gertrude sat there and tried to fight back the tears. She did not want this. She wanted her family whole and complete again but knew that dream was forever lost to her. No matter what she claimed to Albert, she knew her husband was dead. Buried in an unmarked grave somewhere far from home. For him she would be strong. She would face this storm and make somehow make sure his death was not meaningless. Gathering her things, she prepared to let the Kommandant show her around the camp.

Several days later, her heart sank as she read the note from Klink. Surely, there has to be a mistake, she thought. I have done everything in my power to persuade him they were ill suited for each other short of coming out and saying so. Now he is sending her love letters and inviting her to dinner. He head was swimming trying to think of a way out of this mess.

With a sense of dread, Gertrude dressed and walked over to Klink's quarters, her mind racing trying to think of a way out of this situation. Upon entering the quarters, she was surprised to see Colonel Hogan. Somehow, I just know he is the answer to my prayers. I just need to wait for my opening.

"Frau Linkmeyer," Klink said with a stricken look on his face.

It was obvious to Gertrude the man had been expecting someone else. Lotte no doubt. Maybe I can use this to my advantage.

"Come, come Wilhelm, you must call me Gertrude."

"I must?"

"Of course, a husband and wife can't be so formal," Gertrude said, twisting the verbal knife deeper. "Even though you have not asked me the question that is trembling on your lips."

"Husband? Wife?"

Oh my, I think the dear Kommandant is about to pass out. I wonder where he keeps the smelling salt?

"I must say I was very angry at first when the General told me about his matchmaking. But once I got to know you Wilhelm," she said as she looked up into his horrified face. She could not help but to smile with satisfaction at his panic regarding the news they were to be married. Klink raced into the dining area seeking the support of the other men present.

"Hogan," came his croaked half-plea.

Hogan promptly fled to stand by the Sergeant of the Guard. "I'm helping Schultz chill the champagne."

"Me too," said the little French chef.

Men are such cowards, Gertrude thought, amused at the scene she was witnessing. I just need to push him a little more and then there will be no way my brother will be able to bully him into a marriage.

"What a lovely place you have here, Wilhelm," Gertrude said as she took his arm. "I think I will make only a few changes." Nothing men like more than a woman coming in and changing things. It took me three years to convince Otto to let me buy a new settee when the old one broke a spring and it poked our guests in the tushie whenever they sat on it. "The drapes will go first and then we can get some new furniture. Just think Wilhelm, our own little love nest."

"I know you to want to be alone. Come on fellows," Hogan said as he attempted to leave.

"Hogan!" then in a lower voice Klink addressed the guard. "Schultz, set another place."

Gertrude turned and walked back into the living room so they could not see the broad smile on her face. The plan was working. Just a few more barbs here and there and she would be a free woman again.

A few minutes later, they were all sitting down to dinner. She made sure neither Hogan nor Klink was able to get in more than a few words at a time. She did feel a little sympathy for Klink. He looked so miserable. She felt like she was kicking a puppy. Gertrude kept telling herself it was for his own good that she was being so cruel. She talked so much she was running out of things to say when they finally got to dessert.

"You would have liked my husband Otto very much. Mind you that he didn't have some very bad habits." Forgive me my love. "But, I shouldn't say anything against him. He was lost at the Russian Front, you know. Maybe you knew him?"

"Is he the one they called Lucky Otto?" Hogan asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Oh how she would like to give this American such a kick but to do so might betray her intent. She decided to pretend she had not noticed the insult.

"I don't remember anyone ever calling him that."

"Maybe it was some other Lucky Otto," replied Hogan.

There was a lull in the conversation and she decided to make her final push.

"Wilhelm!" she shouted to frighten and intimidate the man across the table. "What do you think of a spring wedding?"

"Not much," replied Klink in a sullen tone.

Gertrude hid her smile. Finally, some honesty.

"If you don't mind me saying so, I think you should get married right away, like tomorrow," Hogan said.

"Hogan I'm going to have you shot and no courts marshal in the world would convict me," Klink mumbled from behind his napkin.

Gertrude wondered what the American had up his sleeve but decided to play along and see where it took them.

"Tomorrow? Why so soon?"

"Well I figured it would give you both a chance to get to know each other, enjoy of few golden moments before…."

"Before what?" Gertrude asked.

"Colonel, do you think it is fair to keep it a secret?" Hogan said. "Why don't you tell her."

"Tell her what?" replied Klink.

"You naughty boy, are you keeping secrets from me already?"

Gertrude could see the confusion on Klink's face and knew whatever was going on was not prearranged between the two men. It was all Hogan. Here was a master manipulator. He went up a notch in her esteem. Gertrude sat waiting, eagerly anticipating his next words.

Unable to speak, Klink just shook his head no.

"Now what is it?"

"I'm going to tell her if you don't." Hogan interjected. "The Colonel has volunteered for service at the Russian Front. Leaves next week. "

"WHAT?" Klink screamed.

Finally, something I can use. "Why does everybody I know volunteer for the Russian Front? What is the big attraction there?" she said in mock outrage.

"I don't know, I'm sure there's something," Hogan replied.

That is two Hogan. Reorienting herself back to her main objective, which was to ensure this matchmaking of her brother failed, Gertrude launched into full outraged mode.

"Well, I will tell you one thing Oberst Klink, I am not going to be a widow again. The engagement is off and that is final!" she said as she got up to leave the table. "I will not do it. It is ridiculous. My brother is crazy."

Once on the other side of the door, Gertrude took time to take a breath. She thought of Otto and made no effort to hold back the tears. She would tell her brother how hurt and disappointed she was. He would then free her from any ties to Klink. She took a moment to wonder what her brother would have to say about Klink's sudden "transfer". It would serve Klink and Hogan right if her brother demanded Klink take the transfer. Feeling better than she had in weeks, Gertrude stepped off the porch and walked toward freedom.

Next: Cassanova Klink

A/n:

Colonel Burmeister and Bussie are from "The Schultz Brigade". In this episode, they discuss with Klink how they all narrowly escaped being married to Frau Linkmeyer.

The Katzenjammer Kids is a comic written by the German immigrant Rudolph Dirks in 1897 and is still in production today. The story is of two mischievous brothers, Hans and Fritz whose mischievous behavior often places them at odds with authority and "Mama". Even though it is an American publication, Gertrude could have easily encountered it during her stay in America.

Lotte pronounced as LAW-tah, although Hogan/Bob Crane mispronounces it as Lottie during the show. It is particularly humorous in the scene with Hogan getting Klink to dictate the letter meant for Lotte. Here you have Hogan mispronouncing the name and Klink pronouncing it the correct way. It is almost as if they are talking about two different people. But then again,he does the same thing with Gertrude's name. I always wondered if the writer of the original story had named her in honor of Werner Klemperer's sister.