Chapter Four: Keeping Vigil

Midnight had long since passed, the lights of the medical center dimmed to allows its residents to sleep more easily. It could have been an entire different world from the one outside its white sterile walls, a strange universe of humming and beeping machinery and the squeak of rubber shoes echoing down the hallway. The odor of disinfectant and sickness was heavy in the air, the temperature uncomfortably warm. Hushed voices spoke the language of medicine, distant sobs and cries of pain haunting the corridors.

Elena glanced at the clock on the wall yet again, so numb that she wasn't tired even though she'd been awake for almost twenty-four hours. Her entire body ached, her back and neck stiff from remaining seated in the same position for so many hours. Her head pounded and her stomach growled with hunger, but she hardly noticed. Her eyes burned, swollen from crying and lack of sleep, but they remained open and focused on the man resting in the bed before her.

Tseng was lying flat on his back, his eyes closed and his expression peaceful. He was so heavily sedated that he hadn't moved a muscle, and Elena constantly watched the monitors attached to his body to reassure herself that he was alive. His blood pressure was still a bit low, but his heartbeat was strong as it skipped across the screen. A clear tube of oxygen was secured beneath his nose, though he was otherwise breathing unassisted. He was covered to just beneath his chin by several thick blankets, only his left arm exposed and resting along his side with multiple intravenous lines running into his wrist and the crook of his elbow. She knew from her basic first aid training that extreme blood loss made one's body temperature drop, remembering the way he'd shivered throughout the helicopter ride to the base. She was uncomfortably warm, a thin film of sweat coating her skin, but somehow Tseng still looked cold. His complexion remained pale, though his color had improved after surgery. She desperately wished he would awaken, but knew that it was best for him to remain unconscious. He'd been in so much pain as she held his hand during the flight that it was a relief to see it finally gone from his features.

Her tired mind raced endlessly as she maintained her position, and there was little to distract her from her troubled thoughts. She still couldn't believe what had happened, wracked with guilt and self doubt. Why didn't she insist on going with him, even if it would have done little good? Why had he felt the need to continue on to the temple alone? Was it strictly his decision, or was he ordered to do so? She had a feeling the latter was the case, gritting her teeth with rising anger at Rufus Shin-ra. She had always thought he was selfish and uncaring about his employees, but that was nothing unlike countless other wealthy employers. Now, she began to doubt her decision to work for him, wondering if there was more truth to the things Avalanche and other detractors claimed about the company than she first suspected. Rufus hadn't even come by to check on his frequent personal body guard and department head, despite the fact that he'd landed at the base many hours before. Reno had just called to confirm that fact, and to inform her that he and Rude were already on their way to another assignment… though he did not tell her where they'd been sent or why.

She bit her lip as she watched Tseng sleep, having managed to stop crying for the most part once Reno had given her the order to remain at his side and act professional. She was confused by the way he'd been behaving toward her, but grateful that she hadn't been forced to leave. No one should be alone when they were so gravely wounded, whether they were awake or not, and she wouldn't have followed such orders even if it put her job in jeopardy. She knew Reno was under a lot of stress, and he obviously cared about and admired Tseng a great deal. Was he simply trying to get Elena out of his way by having her stay behind, or did he really care about her feelings? And if so, did he suspect…? Gods, she hoped not, because if he did she had no doubt he would soon run his mouth to anyone who would listen just to embarrass her. He had never wanted her to be part of their team, and she feared her display of emotion that day was just the chance he'd been waiting for to do something about it.

There was so much on her mind that Elena feared she would go mad, but her most pressing concern was Tseng. She'd known his injuries were severe the moment they found him, but Dr. Welsh's report had made it shockingly real in painful detail. Her heart bled for him, wishing she could do something to stop his pain and make his recovery easier. The thought that he may never be able to return to duty was unbearable. She knew it would devastate him… and her. She had never intended to become so attached to him, but by the time she realized how much she'd come to care for Tseng, it was far too late. How could she go on as a Turk without him?

Tears burned her eyes, and she cursed herself for being so weak. She was only proving everything Reno and so many others had said about her. She was too emotional and immature to be a Turk, too prone to think with her heart instead of her head. Maybe her family had been right… Maybe moving to Midgar with nothing but ambitious dreams for the future was the stupidest thing she'd ever done. Was she already crumbling after barely a year, not even through the final stage of her training period? If she couldn't make it as a Turk, what else could she do? Returning to her isolated little hometown and a predictable dreary future was the last thing she wanted. She'd grown to love the intimidating big city and the independence it had given her for the first time in her life. And she'd grown to love Tseng.

Maybe it was inevitable… She was a lonely, nervous young woman on a frightening journey, and he was an older, steadying influence who helped build her confidence as she trained under him. There was an almost contagious calm about him, something that soothed her nerves and helped her focus, performing better than she'd ever dreamed and quickly earning her place among the highest ranking Turks. Yet at the same time, his physical attractiveness and the cool air of mystery that surrounded him awakened something within her that she'd never felt before. She never would have thought he was her type before she laid eyes on him, but the chemistry was instant and intoxicating. They were complete opposites at first glance, but somehow she knew she'd found a kindred soul. She both hoped and dreaded that he felt it too, but Tseng was notoriously private and hid his emotions well. Yet sometimes when he met her eyes and smiled ever so slightly, her heart fluttered with possibility. She longed to know the man beneath his carefully protected image, but he rarely dropped his guard and she didn't know how to cross it.

When he took her hand to help her up a steep hill, did he notice the electricity that passed between them? Did he feel it in his toes when their eyes met across his desk? In the quiet moments that passed between them as they traveled, did he long to say those forbidden words, or was she only imagining it when she caught him watching her with a distant look in his eyes? She had to be… If he had time for a woman in his life, it would never be her. She was too young and foolish, and Shin-ra had a well-known and strictly enforced policy discouraging dating within the same department and forbidding a direct supervisor to become involved with an underling. As one of the highest ranking and most visible people in the entire company, it most definitely applied to him. Even if he had feelings for her, he would never risk his job because of it. He was a career man… Being a Turk was who he was. He was so serious and focused that he seemed above things like romance, but beneath his professional exterior there was a buried intensity she longed to expose.

She cursed herself for daring to think such things while he laid before her so desperately wounded. All she should care about was that he get well again and be able to return to doing what he loved. Her own feelings had no place in the smothering room, but no matter how hard she tried to dismiss them they overwhelmed her again the moment she looked down at his handsome face. What had he wanted to tell her back in the temple? Gods she wished she had let him speak instead of acting so childish…

He was probably just trying to give you your next orders, stupid.

She rose to her feet and stretched, absently wandering about the small room and trying to ease her mind as well as her aching body. She wished she had something to read, though she had a feeling she'd never have been able to concentrate anyway. She quickly finished looking over the various signs and notices posted along the wall for at least the tenth time, about to return to the uncomfortable chair when her eyes settled on the chart neatly tucked into a pouch at the foot of Tseng's bed. She knew she shouldn't, but curiosity quickly got the best of her. Her heart began to race as she looked around and found the corridor outside his room vacant. With a mixture of excitement and guilt, she reached out and picked up the chart, glancing down at it and quickly scanning the information.

Tseng's name was written at the top, followed by a Wutaiian surname she'd never seen before and had no hope of ever being able to pronounce. It was so strange to see his full name… Turks rarely used them in order to protect their true identities and that of their families, and many went by nicknames the way Rude did. She still didn't know his real name. Her eyes continued down the list of information and paused over Tseng's date of birth. She committed it to memory, then easily performed the necessary math in her head. Even though he appeared youthful, she'd known he had to be a good bit older than she was based on his rank and how long he'd been a Turk. Now, she learned that her vague estimate of somewhere in his mid to late thirties had been accurate. Fourteen years wasn't an unheard of age difference, was it? Gods, why was she even thinking that way? Disgusted with her foolish thoughts and the invasion of his privacy, she quickly replaced the chart without reading any farther and slumped back into her chair with a heavy sigh. The waiting and worrying was torture, but she was glad to suffer it because it meant that Tseng was still alive. She couldn't even imagine having to attend his funeral…

Elena was relieved for the distraction when the hospital's head nurse entered the room a short time later. She'd been specially assigned to Tseng and stopped by every hour on the dot to check his vital signs and intravenous medications, and to administer additional pain medication when his expression began to darken. Elena forced a weak smile, glad to have someone so competent and compassionate looking after him. They hadn't spoken much during her previous rounds, but she knew the woman's name was Becky. She was short and heavyset with dark skin and thick curly hair, with a kind and open face that made her seem motherly. She was probably just about the same age as Elena's own mother, though she was far more energetic and cheerful. The nurse often hummed as she worked, and she could have easily stepped off the set of a weekly medical drama.

"You still here, honey?" she asked with a smile, shaking her head as she began checking that everything was still as it should be.

"Yeah… Those are my orders," Elena replied, cringing at how cold she sounded. "I mean, I would have stayed anyway, but…" Her face grew hot and she quickly looked down into her lap, wondering how it was that she always managed to make a fool of herself the second she opened her mouth.

"But that's your official excuse?" Becky said, glancing at her with a knowing grin. Elena's stomach came alive with butterflies, and she swallowed nervously before managing a quiet reply.

"I guess you could say that…"

"His vital signs are good, and his blood pressure's come up a bit," Becky said, picking up his chart and writing down the information as she spoke. "Your boss is a very lucky man… and tough as nails, too."

Elena smiled, pride washing over her. "That he is. We thought for sure we were going to lose him back there…"

Becky looked at her with sympathy, replacing the chart and pulling the blankets down to Tseng's waist. He didn't react, still deep in a drug induced coma. He was wrapped in thick white bandaging from just beneath his arms nearly to his waist, and a small amount of blood had already seeped through to color them along the diagonal path of his wound. Elena was alarmed when she saw it, about to say something when the nurse noticed her worried expression and offered a reassuring smile.

"Some light bleeding is expected, since Dr. Welsh couldn't close the wound entirely," she said, satisfied and covering him up again, though this time she left both of his arms free and tucked the blankets beneath them. "I'll change the bandages in the morning, but for now it's best to leave him be. His color's good, and he doesn't seem to be in too much pain right now. You let me know if he starts looking uncomfortable again, though, all right? Some nurses like patients who are knocked out like this because they don't complain, but it always worries me more because they can't tell us when something's wrong."

"Okay… I'll make sure I do." Elena wished she could express her appreciation to the kind woman, but she felt so lost and empty inside that she couldn't muster the energy. All she could do was sit with her hands clasped in her lap and try to hold back the tears, staring at his prone form and wishing there was more she could do. Becky seemed about to leave, but after pausing a moment she instead walked around the foot of the bed and came to stand beside Elena's chair. She felt a warm, gentle hand come to rest on her shoulder, glancing up with surprise.

"I can see how important he is to you," the nurse said quietly, causing Elena's mouth to drop open in alarm. "It's okay, hon, I'm not gonna tell anyone. I'm just glad he has someone willing to stay with him, since there was no family for us to call." Becky's brown eyes shone with understanding, and she squeezed Elena's shoulder supportively.

"Thank you," Elena nearly whispered, her face hot with embarrassment as she squirmed in her chair. "We've… worked together a lot since I joined the Turks. He's a great teacher, and a good man." She hoped her explanation sounded reasonable, and it was true after all. "I just want him to get better…"

Elena looked back at Tseng with tears in her eyes, surprised when the nurse reached down and took a hold of his wrist. Elena thought she was checking his pulse again, until Becky gently extended his arm in her direction. Elena looked up at her questioningly, unsure of what she was doing.

"Even when patients are in a coma or kept heavily sedated, there's evidence that they can recognize someone they know and are comforted by their presence," she said with a smile. "Go ahead and take his hand, and try to talk to him a bit. He won't remember it when he wakes up, but I firmly believe it helps the healing process. And it might make you feel better, too."

A tear fell from Elena's eye as she awkwardly reached out to accept his hand, embarrassed but feeling unable to refuse. Besides, if it might help Tseng's recovery in even a small way, she was more than willing to be there for him. She didn't want him to think he'd been abandoned and that no one cared. Becky quietly moved away and exited the room, leaving her alone again with her feelings. Well, she wasn't really alone…

Elena shyly adjusted her hold on Tseng's hand, letting it rest against the bed with hers wrapped around it. His hand remained cold, and she gripped it more tightly in hopes of warming him. His skin was soft and smooth, her hand appearing oddly small against his much larger one. She studied his long, graceful fingers and well-trimmed nails, hypnotized by the way her hand looked joined with his. It sent a nervous flutter racing from her chest to her stomach, her entire body warmed by the sight. How could such a simple gesture make her react so strongly? He wasn't even awake to share it…

As she stared at their hands and tried to channel positive thoughts through the contact, she noticed that his thumb moved ever so slightly. She felt it brush against the back of her hand, the movement so soft and imperceptible that at first she thought she'd imagined it. But a moment later, his limp fingers flexed and slowly curled around the side of her palm. She gasped in surprised and looked up at his face, afraid he was in pain again or about to wake up when he shouldn't. Her eyes widened as he took a deep breath and seemed to sigh contently, the faintest ghost of a smile on his lips.

Was it mere coincidence, or did he really know she was there? Did he simply realize someone was at his side, and did he know it was her…? She couldn't stop the tears from falling as her eyes returned to their hands, his grip showing no signs of loosening. Her confused emotions nearly overwhelmed her, and she couldn't help but let herself cry to release some of the tension. She was exhausted both mentally and physically, near the end of her rope and aching from head to foot. But with his sudden hold on her hand, Elena felt confident that he needed her, and nothing was going to make her leave his side.

((Author's Notes: Nurse Becky is lovingly dedicated to my good friend, Bexteron (though she only shares her name, not her appearance or profession). Sometimes I go on a tear with something and just keep writing, which is what's been happening here. This story is just so meaningful and important to me, and it's existed in my head for a long time. I'm really glad to see so many people reading it, but I'd be thrilled if you could take a sec to let me know what you think, and maybe choose to favorite and follow to help me get the word out. If you know any other fans of this pairing, please let them know about my fic, because when I searched it was next to impossible to find any good ones for them. If you have any you like and could recommend to me in PM, I'd also appreciate that! Thanks again! ~ JenesisX ))