These battle scars
Don't look like their fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never going change
These battle
I am outside of a mental hospital.
And you know what I am doing? I'm laughing, laughing my ass off because really what the hell am I doing here. If I wasn't mental before, I surely looked like I was at this point; I dropped Sebastian after having sex with him, I once again have disobeyed Blaine by missing an 'appointment', and to put everything together I didn't go to practice today because I was too afraid I would pass out during choreography.
It seemed a lot like the world hated me now, and that was ok. I mean I was brutally fucked if we wanted to be real and though I hated my existence most of the time I would not categorize myself as a depressed person. I mean yes depression had hit me and hung on to me, but it had not taken me over, and I would not let it. I did not wake up every day with thoughts of suicide, but I did sometimes. I was not smile-less, but I was sometimes. You see with me, some days I let that depression win, and other days it was simply a factor, but not a fixed piece.
So once again I am here, in front of a mental institution, but for what? Because I was crazy, or was I?
So I turned back to my car jiggling my keys in my hand and still laughing to the point where my stomach was dropping. I knew exactly where I was going too, but why was I still laughing, I just couldn't stop.
Never let a wound ruin me
But I feel like ruin's wooing me
Arrow holes that never close from cupid on a shooting spree
Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me
So now I am faced with my mother's grave. I do not remember her much anymore; I know she was beautiful, my dad always told me I got that from her. She is just a memory now, and a blurred one, but I will not ever forget her.
"Hey mom." I chuckled under my breath. "I guess I should say sorry first for not visiting you in so long."
I paused almost expecting her to answer me before gulping and accepting the silence. "I um, I wanted to ask you something, that's what I came here for." Stalling. "Would you still love me if I was letting someone do something horrible to me? Should I still love myself?"
Another pause. "Nothing?" Once again accepting the silence and getting up. "I love you, and god I wish you were here."
But when you're trying to beat the odds up
Been trying to keep your nods up and you know that you should know
And let her go but the fear of the unknown
Holding another lover strong sends you back into the zone
So now we are back in a car, fanfuckingtastic. And once again I knew exactly what I was doing, where I was going, and what I was going there for. It's amazing how sarcastic I was today.
With no Tom Hanks to bring you home
A lover not a fighter on the frontline with a poem
Trying to write yourself a rifle
Maybe sharpen up a song
To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone
"Kurt what are you doing here?"
"Blaine, hey." I smile up at him connecting our lips in a peck.
"Shouldn't you be with your buyer right now."
I was nervous about the lie I was about to tell but I had practiced lying to Blaine and I like to think I was good at it. "He was quick, only about 25 minutes."
"Well where is the money?"
"I uh, I will bring it to you tomorrow, I stopped home on the way and wasn't planning to come by."
"Well why exactly did you decide to come by then?" He was on edge I could tell and he was hiding something and I needed to know.
"I uh, just wanted to see you really; you know being my boyfriend and all." I was lying, right to his face.
He didn't looked fazed though, he seemed more so confused and frustrated then upset, so maybe whatever it was is a private matter. "Kurt I will see you in school, that's plenty of bonding time."
"Yeah, I know I just, I don't know, I mean I don't even have any classes except one with you and all, I just thought maybe we could hang out today. But it was stupid I'll go."
I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched
I wish that I could stop loving you so much
Cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
He nodded and walked over to the door to open it for me, a part of me really wanted him to chase after me and say I was right and that he wanted some quality time together, or tell me I wasn't being stupid and that what was important to me was important to him too, but I didn't get that.
"Blaine baby hurry up!" That voice wasn't mine and it didn't take much to put 2 and 2 together to realize what was happening.
I looked over to him, hurt I'm sure was clear on my face. "Who the hell was that."
"No one Kurt, just go."
Was he serious? So next we get footsteps and the appearance of a half-naked… fucking male model material. No wonder Blaine hated me so much, I could never be that, the guy he was so clearly fucking just before I had arrived and that hurt like a bitch. To have one person tell you that you deserve to be loved and the other hurt you so bad, no, a bitch doesn't hurt this bad.
"Who is this?" The nameless boy asked walking over to me and extending his boney arm forward mentioning a shake.
I looked over to Blaine because was he actually fucking serious right now? "Blaine why don't you tell him exactly who I am? Tell him how I am your ex-boyfriend." My face was strait. "Because we are so fucking done Blaine."
I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it'll never be over, until you tell me it's over
I was proud of myself; I mean how I had become so completely bad ass in these last 15 minutes I will never understand, but I like it. All until I was grabbed and pushed against a wall very hardly, but I mean I was still pretty bad ass like let's be real.
"Get out Raymond." It was an order that was easily followed by… Raymond? So that's his name, fits him, he looks ethnic. So Blaine returns his look to me and now the amount of badness I am feeling is dropping because he looks fucking possessed or as I am ham on Thanksgiving. "Let me make something very clear to you Kurt, I own you."
"No you don't"
"You are nothing without me. You're lost, you're a loser, not to mention the sorry amount of friends you had barely pay enough attention to you to realize you look like a starving orphan." Rude. "Your life has sucked ass since the day you were born Kurt, I want to help you, I want to control you. I starve you to make you beautiful, I hit you to make you obedient, and I sell you to make sure you understand who you belong to."
So I am laughing again, I mean half the things Blaine had said flew through my ears, but I caught it, I caught the most important thing. I was his, I was his property, and it was my own damn fault for putting myself in that position. "I'm guessing that's you."
A nod.
"No, you see Blaine, I stopped belonging to you the second you made people pay to rape me." So I didn't exactly plan for him to punch me in the face or kick me in the non-existent gut after that, but who doesn't love surprises right?
"You can think what you want, and you can have this little I want to be independent era, but when I comes back down to it, who do you always come back to?"
The sad thing is he was right, and I wasn't going to stay and hear more of it, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't come back.
These battle scars, don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle
So let's say I ran to my car hopped in and had tears running down my eyes like an amazon waterfall, let's pretend I didn't drive for miles before pulling over on the emergency lane, oh and don't forget to pretend I pulled out razor and chopped my arm into pieces for hours and only stopping when I bagan to feel dizzy.
Cause you've set me on fire
I've never felt so alive, yeah
Hoping wounds heal, but it never does
That's because you're at war with … love
Let's pretend I didn't scream for half an hour and shake and tremble and act like a phsyco, let's pretend I didn't scratch my legs till they were red, or make myself sick until my stomach burned and I couldn't take it any longer before falling to the ground.
And I'm at the point of breaking
And it's impossible to shake it
Let's say I didn't fall to the ground and cry in the middle of nowhere, let's pretend I was a kid again when everything was simple, let's pretend I was dead.
See, you hoped the wound heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with … love
Hope it heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
I am outside of a mental hospital.
And you know what I am doing? I'm laughing, laughing my ass off because really what the hell am I doing here. If I wasn't mental before, I surely looked like I was at this point; I dropped Sebastian after having sex with him, I once again have disobeyed Blaine by missing an 'appointment', and to put everything together I didn't go to practice today because I was too afraid I would pass out during choreography.
Except this time…
"Mr. Kurt Hummel."
I went in.
These battle scars, don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle
A/N: no I didn't forget to post this weekend, I just really wanted this chapter to be good so I hope you guys liked it. I am no longer making a limit for myself, like post every Saturday or Sunday because it's exhausting. That doesn't mean it will be like months in between posts either because just like the rest of you, I am waiting for ACITW and DYR to update and I know what a struggle it is.
On the plus side, I posted this right before glee and on thanksgiving and GRANTS IN THIS EPISODE HIS BEAUTIFUL SELF. I am sooo so so sorry if you like Blaine and for making him a world class asshole but I promise I love him and it hurt when he was sing HDTY, it really did.
With that I bid you farewell and wish you all a very good holiday and to gain as much weight as you want, you can wear baggy shirts for the next 2 weeks if you need to.
Adios- RadHadder