A/N I feel like I haven't updated this in forever! Oh well, I'm back. I won't bore you too much now.
Chapter 3: Silly Love Songs part 1: The Gap Attack
Well, the Warbler's Gap Attack had been a complete and utter faliure. Not only had the group competely embarrassed themselves, (Why did only Kurt see that singing about sex toys to a guy you've just met is NOT the way to go?) but the unfortunate recipent of the offensive song had gotten fired. Kurt and Blaine sat out in the cold for about ten minutes before Kurt got sick of Blaine's pity party.
"I'm going back inside," Kurt annouced, standing back up from the bench.
"What? Why?" Blaine asked, bushy (but adorable, Kurt thought) eyebrows furrowed together in obvious confusion.
Kurt rolled his eyes and said, "Let's see, it's cold, there's a mall, and I want to go shoppping. You want to stay out here and catch pneumonia, then fine but I saw a little shop while we were walking to the Gap that I have just been dying to check out."
He turned and starteded walking towards the mall entrance. He looked over his shoulder a few seconds later to see Blaine following him slowly, still moping. Kurt rolled his eyes.
Hopeless romantic my ass, Kurt thought, he said he was in love with a guy he's known for two weeks. He also outed the guy. Nice job Blaine, nice job. Kurt thought.
He knew it might just be jealousy talking but it didn't matter if it was Blaine singing his love to Kurt, he would never want to have that song sung to him. He liked romance, he'd made that very clear and if you looked up 'unromantic' in a dictionary, the definition would be: see "When I Get You Alone". Then the definition of that would be: the song that the Dalton Warblers sang to a guy who works at a Gap store because their almighty lead singer wanted them to.
Kurt was back in the Gap with Blaine and the other Warblers ran up to them.
"Well? What did he say?" Trent asked. Now this guy was a hopeless romantic. He awwed whenever he saw two people holding hands and was constantly trying to get people together. "You're PERFECT for each other!" was his catch phrase. Yeah he was one of those. A crazy matchmaker who would stop at nothing to get two people together. Not gay? Doesn't matter! You can still be madly in love with the random guy you sit next to in class that you've only talked them twice in your life. Not straight? No problem! Because you looked at a girl for more then two seconds, it's clearly meant to be. That's Trent's logic for you.
Back in the Gap, Blaine turned away and looked embarrassed so Kurt quickly answered for him. "Jeremiah got fired and he wasn't really interested in Blaine."
When a few Warblers looked personally affronted, Kurt quickly added, "He said it much nicer then that though."
The Warblers still looked angry but not enough to go killl the guy anymore. They stood a a large clump awkwardly for a minute until they heard a corus of seven voices yell.
"Kurt!" they said.
Said boy turned his voice in their direction so fast, he was sure he got whip lash. Across the store he saw all the girls from the New Directions smiling at him and waving vigirously.
"HEY!" he said, running over to them. He hugged all of the girls, even Lauren. Although the two hadn't been close, he knew her and they'd made jokes about being the odd ones out since she was on the wrestling team and he sang like a girl.
They were all laughing and smiling and the Warblers had never seen Kurt like this and were wondering who these girls were. They walked over slowly.
"How have things been at McKinley? Have you still been getting slushied? Why are you at a Gap in Westerville? Why are at a Gap in general? Haven't I taught you anything about fashion? I expected better from all of you, expect for you Rachel. You unfortunetly just have a terible fashion desease with no cure not even my awesome fabulousness."
All of the girls were laughing at his ridiculosness. Rachel was blushing and looked a little self-conscious. Mercedes answered all of his questions, "We've been OK. Yes, unfortunetly we're still getting slushied. We're at a Gap in Westerville because we knew about the Gap Attack. Don't worry, we didn't actually buy anything here."
Kurt over-dramatically sighed in relief, a hand of his heart as if the idea his girls shopping at such a stupid store was physically paining him. The girls all laughed again.
"Did the thing already go down? Sorry we missed it, but if we did I have got to get out of this store. The massproduced clothes are scaring me," Mercedes finished.
She eyed the clothes around her like they would turn her fabulous clothes into boring drab ones. The Warblers stood behind them and the girls plus Kurt still hadn't noticed them. Wes cleared his throat loudly and the girls jumped.
"Kurt, who are these people?" Wes asked.
"SPYS!" Rachel yelled, pointing at their blazers.
Kurt laughed and lowered Rachel's arm. "Warblers, these are the girls of the New Directions. Rachel they are not spies as we are not discussing competition and we aren't in a glee meeting."
He turned to adress the Warblers, "Sorry about her, she's a litte...intense. Anyway, that's Rachel, my fellow fashion friend Mercedes, tough girl Lauren, shy girl, happy goth Tina, special, amazing, super sweet Brittany, head bitch Quinn, and the devil incarnate Santana," Kurt said pointing to each girl in turn.
Suddenly Santana spoke up. "Oh yeah Kurt, thank God you're here. I need your help."
Kurt raised his eyebrows. What about their code? He tried to send her a look that showed his point, but she was oblivious to it. "Why, exactly?" he asked.
"She's been getting stalked by this guy and we need your help to make him leave Tana alone," Brittany said.
Kurt looked at Santana with worry clearly on his face. "Really?"
Santana nodded but also rolled her eyes. "Don't look so concerned. He isn't ready to kidnap me but he's been asking me out and flirting. It's just tradjic. So we came up with a plan that I would ask a guy to pretend to be my boyfriend and get the guy to leave me alone."
Kurt nodded. "So you want me to be your fake boyfriend." It wasn't a question.
Santana nodded. "You just have to look like the jealous boyfriend who would never let me get taken away from you."
"I can do that," Kurt said, "I just have to look intimading. I will have to change out of this blazer though because you can't begin to look intimating in one."
The Warblers grumbled slightly, muttering things about 'unity' and 'tradition'. Kurt rolled his eyes. If he heard about one more 'Dalton Academy Tradition' he would chuck We's gavel at the council's heads.
A random Warbler laughed at that. "Yeah sure. Kurt intimitating, that's funny."
The girls loked between Kurt and the boy in what looked like fear. Kurt fixed the boy with a stare, not a glare but it made it clear he was angry. It looked like Kurt was having a one way staring with the poor boy who was looking scared, shifting uncomforably, and unavoiding eye contact with Kurt at all costs.
"I'm sorry," the boy said quickly, staring at his feet.
"It's okay," Kurt said, his voice high and too sugary sweet. He had a huge fake smile plastered on his face.
The girls didn't bother to hide their laughter. "Once, Finn accidently insulted Kurt's outfit and Kurt nearly reduced him to tears," Tina said, "it was entertaining."
The girls laughed at the memory. Tina wasn't exaggerating at all. They were pretty sure they saw Finn trying hard not to cry.
"And the clothes are no problem, we can buy you new ones here, but you need to dress like a normal, fashionably challenged guy," Tina said.
Kurt visably flinched and wrikled his nose in disgust. "Me? Wear clothes? From HERE?"
The girls nodded gravely and Kurt sighed. "We're sorry Kurt but it must be done," Quinn said. Kurt nodded in defeat.
"I suppose I would also look more like a boyfriend instead of my usual flambyant self. OK let's do this. Where is this guy?" Kurt asked.
Santana shrugged. "He always ends up in the same store as us and then he bumps into my purposly and winks," she said, shivering, "it's incredibly creepy."
Kurt nodded and sighed. "While if I need to shop here than it must be done."
The girls nodded and forced him towards the men's section. Despite his ealier proclamation, Kurt was resistant until Lauren picked him up and continued through the store with Kurt yelling the whole time.
"LAUREN! THIS IS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY! LET ME DOWN!" he screamed.
The girls were doubled over in laughter along with most of the Warblers. Lauren let Kurt down in front of the Men's section. The girls unceremoniously threw some shirts and jeans in his size at him. Normally a shopping trip with Kurt was an art and more repected than the Mona Lisa and the most priceless art in the world, but none of them really cared this time. This was strictly a one-time thing. After this, Kurt could go back to dissing the Gap's clothes and wearing his clothes that some would consider more like toture devices than designer articles of clothing.
Kurt steps out of the changing room a few minutes later and everyone present was shocked into silence. Even random shoppers who had never seen Kurt before in their lives seemed to tell that he wasn't dressing as he normally did. His hair now had no product in it and was messy. It was hot but so, so wrong. He was wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and a short sleeved blue plaid shirt over it. He'd never looked so uncomfortable in his life.
"Is this okay?" he asked Santana, his fingers plucking at the plaid shirt as if he was itching to tear it off and burn it.
Santana nodded her mouth agape. He looked so NORMAL. She didn't like it, but it would have to do for now. "Just one more thing," she said, "talk in your low voice like when you were going through your butch phase."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "You mean like this," he said, speaking in his lower range. The Warblers jumped at the sound and the girls laughed. Sometimes he would answer the phone like that and scare the living crap out of them.
Brittany eyes suddenly lit up and she skpped over to Kurt and took one of his hands in her's. "Kurtie! Does this mean we're dating again? I love that you're my dolphin and happy, happy unicorn but I wanna be your girlfriend again! Can I please?"
"I'm really sorry Britt but we have to keep being just dolphin friends, okay?" he explained kindly.
Brittany looked said for a moment. "I understand. I hope you find another dolphin soon who makes you super happy. Then you would smile and you look better when you smile. I like your smile Kurtie."
She broke her hold on Kurt's hand and gave him a hug. The girls watching were teary eyed and sniffling. Even Lauren was rubbing her eyes suspiciously but if anyone looked at her for too long she would yell at them and they scurried along pretty quick.
"One more thing," Brittany said, steppnig away from Kurt, "Can I can holding your soft little baby hands?"
The girls awwed and Kurt shot them a glare before kindly smiling at Brittany. "Of course you can, Britt."
The girl's were still awwing occationaly but it was Santana who snapped them out of the touching moment by walking up to Kurt and saying, "There's just one more thing we to try." Before attacking his lips with hers.
Kurt let out a terrified squeak and struggled against his friend for a second but she made it very clear he wasn't getting out, he shrugged and gave into the kiss. The girls and Warblers watched in horror as the two began a full blown make out session in the middle of the Gap. Random passerby's watched them in a mix of smugness and disgust. Blaine watched his best friend making out with this girl, he thought that Kurt was gay. The Warblers were shocked at Kurt's lack of class and the girls were disturbed because it was KURT and SANTANA making out! Forget about the Mayans, the world was ending NOW.
Surprisingly it was Santana who gave up first. "Hot," she breathed as they separated. They were panting for air.
"What. The. Hell?" Kurt gasped.
Santana cleared her throat. "We should kiss in front of the guy to make it official and I've wanted to do that since you made out with Britt and she said you were the best kisser in school."
Kurt turned to Brittany with his eyebrows raised. "What, you are! Better then all the other boys and girls. You're better than Puck!" Brittany said.
Kurt sighed and shook his head in clear disbelief. Suddenly Santana grabbed Kurt's hand. "I see the guy," she said.
Said guy caught Santana's eye and sauntered over, a smug grin on his face. Kurt wanted to punch him, he spelled no good.
"Hey, imagine seeing you-" the guy started but stopped when he saw Kurt and Santana's linked hands.
"Oh hi, this is my boyfriend Kurt," Santana said.
Kurt put his arm around Santana's shoulders and gave the guy the same stare he'd used on the Warbler earlier. "Honey, who is this guy?" he asked in a dangerous voice.
Santana giggled (that's right giggled!) and pecked Kurt on the lips. It was nothing like the making out not to long ago but it the point across very clearly. "He's no one, just some guy I met earlier today. Don't be so jealous," Santana said.
Kurt smiled back at her. Rachel's heart heart a little when she saw it. It was the same dopey, lovefilled grin Finn used to give her. Rachel was impressed by his acting skills. They were quite impressive. She sighed, if only he were straight. He would be the beset boyfriend ever. He would respect them and not just treat them like little servants like some boys did. She glanced at the other girls who all seemed to be thinking the same thing. She wondered for a minute who Kurt would choose as his girlfriend. There would defiantly be competition and no doubt there would be a lot of broken hearts and friendships. Mybe things were better this way. She turned to the scene in front of her.
"You never said you had a boyfriend," the guy muttered, looking embarassed and annoyed.
Santana shrugged. "You never asked. It was nice meeting you though."
The guy walked away, his head hung low as he walked the infamous walk of shame. The girls smirked and high fived in victory. "I feel kind of bad," Tina said.
Santana rolled her eyes. "Relax girl Chang, he'll be fine," she said.
"Girl Chang?" Tina asked.
"You and Mike both have Chang in your surname which is incredibly creepy because it makes it look like you two are some of those weird dating cousins. So you're girl Chang and he's boy Chang," Santana said, rolling her eyes as if it should be the most obvious thing in the world.
It was Tina's turn to roll her eyes at Santana's halfhearted insult.
Kurt sighed. "Well this was a waste of an afternoon," he said.
The girls and Warblers looked at him with hurt expressions. "Why?" Quinn asked.
"Because the only result of the Gap Attack was the loss of a job and as much as I love to help out one of my girls, the whole matter was resolved in about 45 seconds," Kurt explained, "now if you'll excuse me, I need to go change back into my uniform. Even that's better than these clothes."
He walked back to the changing room, muttering along the way about 'massproduced crap' and 'the things I do for that girl' which made everyone laugh.
He came back soon to find only Santana left. "Where is everyone?" he asked.
"They all went shopping," she replied, "I want to ask you a question."
"Shoot," Kurt said, adjusting his striped tie.
Santana took a deep breath which made Kurt nervous. It was a sign she was afraid of how the other person would answer or if she should ask the question at all.
"Will you be my date for Valentine's Day?" Santana blurted out.
Kurt's hands stilled at his tie and he looked at Santana for signs she was kidding but all he found was a deadly serious request and a nervous girl.
Seeing Kurt's shock and hesitation she quickly continued. "I know it would be weird but pretend it isn't Valentine's Day, we could go to Breadstix as friends. We've both been lonley and I lost Puck to Lauren. He was the perfect beard and still pretty good at making out. I need a new boyfriend fast. I've already proven that Quinn is cheating on Trouty Mouth with Pyramind Nipples but Beiber boy still doesn't believe it."
Kurt nodded as he listened. He knew what it was like to like someone who never seemed to return his feelings. He looked over at Blaine who was standing in a corner, avoiding shoppers who were questioning what possessed him to sing a song about sex toys in the middle of a Gap. (So Kurt wasn't the only person who saw something wrong with that picture, HA!)
He turned back to Santana. "Okay, we can go to Breadstixs tonight, my treat."
Santana smiled. At least in this crazy, stupid world, she had one person who would love her in a way that no one else could. Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go but their friendship would be forever.
Peace, Love, Glee
Julez