The Bad Touch Trio & The Goblet of Hilarity

The Fatal Attraction

~.~.~.~

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Harry Potter was in trouble.

Big. Bad. Trouble.

Not that this was uncommon. If you knew Harry then you knew that he was constantly covered by a cloud of perpetual trouble. This all started around the time of his parents divorce. His mother had packed up and moved to his Aunts place with him. How does this equate to trouble for Harry, you ask?

Well, James Potter, Harry's father, decided that in the end of his marriage with his wife that he would leave the house they shared. So Harry's mother moved back into the house with Harry and his father sought home elsewhere. Here is where the trouble began. Harry's father, oh so popular and famous Quidditch player decided to move into the house directly across the street from the winged demon bat Professor.

And apparently, James fancied the bat.

A lot.

So in the midst of awkward puberty, piles of homework and quidditch practice, Harry also had to deal with taunting and Professor Snape's deep and unhealthy loathing of all the things Potter, particularly Harry who looked like an exact replica of his idiot father.

Woe is he for having James's face and smile, his build and talent at quidditch. Of course, his mother, bless her, tried to console him. But that just made it worse.

"Oh Harry dear, don't mind your classmates. Eventually they will leave you alone, after all, your father being just a bitgay is not a big deal."

...it was a big deal, apparently.

With the gay students coming up to Harry saying things like "your father is an inspiration" and what not. Not that it bothered Harry much, actually it made him puff out his chest proud that his father inspired and helped people by being proud and 'out'.

But, now people were constantly calling him gay and teasing him and boys had begin to give him love letters to pass to his father (oh dear) and if you add the already prominent fans of his father's already following him about...

Harry was used to being troubled, it was nothing and by fourth year he was able to adequately ignore it. This year, however, after growing a few inches and developing some sort of muscle, he had been noticed and that had developed into trouble of the worst kind.

The scary kind of trouble. The most, probably, deadly trouble that on could get into. If you asked Harry, he would tell you that it was all Karma and that in his past life he must have been a horrible evil person to deserve what had come to him (he firmly believed that in a past life he must have been someone like...Voldemort.)

"Do you see her?" He asked Ron.

"No, but then she might be lurking somewhere. You know her." Ron said as he shoveled more eggs into his mouth.

Next to Ron, Francis made a noise of disgust and turned away to talk to Ginny who sat beside him.

"Mon Dieu!" He gagged. "I do not know what I see in him!"

"Weasley charm?"

"Non, it can't be that."

"Oi, you two, shut up!"

Harry tuned back into his own thoughts hoping that Hermione would hurry up. It was rare of her to be late to breakfast and right now he needed her.

He peeked across the room, staring at the Slytherin table taking in all the faces with deliberate slowness. Stuffy Slytherin's that he didn't know, Ludwig being harassed by his sister, Malfoy glaring daggers at a box of cereal-now that was strange.

Harry caught the eyes of Ivan Braginski and gave a quick and terrified wave as Braginski waved back with a smile on his face. Katyusha Braginski, a Hufflepuff who seemed to gravitate to any of the tables that caught her interest, smiled brightly at Harry and waved cutely. How she was related to the Braginski's Harry didn't know, although he suspected that she may have been adopted.

After a quick perusal, Harry determined that the bane of his existence and the threat to his sanity was not present at the Slytherin table. Jubilation indeed, Harry thought. Looks like I might get a head start and make it to class on time today. Maybe she's sick.

He almost did a little jig right there.

Harry was not the sort of person to wish others ill, however, in this case the wish was made and he prayed. Harry needed at least one day to will away the facial tick forming at the corner of his mouth and to somehow get rid of the feminine high pitched "eep" that had developed as of late.

A loud boom brought him out of his thoughts. Pansy Parkinson stomped into the great hall followed by a very bruised yet incredibly enamored Cedric Diggory who easily matched step beside her.

Behind them Antonio Carriedo and Cho Chang walked side by side in deep conversation. From the Hufflepuff table Lovina Vargas growled, shouted in Italian and then crossed her arms and ignored the two Ravenclaw's who hadn't even noticed the outburst. Rare. Antonio always noticed Lovina.

Toris Lorinaitis and Feliks Łukasiewicz, who had both been in deep conversation (although it looked like Toris was busily ignoring Feliks) stopped talking long enough for Cho and Antonio to join them. Although Feliks was Slytherin he seemed to fit in with the Ravenclaw's just fine. But, Harry suspected that it was more out of respect for Lorinaitis whom all the Ravenclaw's seemed to like.

Not that Harry cared. He hated Lorinaitis. The bastard.

"Harry..."

"Not now Ron, I'm...thinking..." Oh yes, thinking about Lorinaitis, the cur. Harry rested his head in his hands and sighed. Maybe he was over reacting. After all, he mused, it grew back and Lorinaitis did apologize, profusely.

Doesn't make a bloody difference...what is done is done.

"Mate..." Ron sounded strained. Harry wouldn't look, no he would not acknowledge Ron right now. Whenever Ron sounded like that he was either in danger or being molested. The latter seemed to happen most often and now Harry had taken to ignoring Ron when it did.

In retrospect, Harry should have listened.

"Harry-"

"What is it Ron?" Harry faced Ron and promptly fell silent.

Ron's face was paper white pale, his freckles black against the white of his skin. His blue eyed were wide, terrified-

-and trained in the spot directly behind Harry.

"...Ron?"

Two frail cold hands suddenly clamped down on Harry's shoulder with surprising strength in their grip. Time stopped, he could hear nothing but the sound of his own heart and of his own internal monologue "...the horror..." as though a black and white motif should suddenly converge over all the colors in the room.

Francis looked at the owner of the cold hands with their vice like grip, and smiled sweetly. "Bonjour, Mon cher."

"Francis." The Belarusian accent, the drop in temperature as she spoke. It was definitely...her. The cause of the worst most horrible trouble Harry had ever known. "Liubasny..."

Oh he knew what that meant. Beloved. He shuddered at the now very familiar tick that started at the corner of his mouth, although, he was pretty glad he hadn't made the "eep" sound yet.

"Natalya."

She sat down beside him in Ron's now vacated seat (the traitor!) With uniform pristine as always (Slytherin) Natalya Braginski faced Harry and grasped his hand in hers, ignoring the loss of color in his face. Her deadpan expression suddenly gave way to a desperate one (though unless you knew her you would be hard pressed to notice.)

"Harry..."

"Yes?" He was afraid to ask.

"Let's get zamužam žanaty zamužam."

Loud barking laughter brought Harry back from his near fatal panic attack. He looked across the great hall to see Draco Malfoy, now no longer concerned with glaring at cereal, doubled over, tears falling from his eyes, face the shade of Antonio's tomatoes, hysterically laughing at him.

Oh, Harry thought, that high pitched womanly shriek was me!

"Um," Harry coughed into his hand. "I-I'm very flattered? But, no, I don't think it would be possible to get married." Ever...

It felt like one hundred years passed before Natalya blinked (it was really four seconds) and, in those moments Harry had formulated a two plans to get him as far away from Natalya as possible. Plan Ainvolved a distraction which would work-

-if not for Natalya's older brother Ivan sprinting through the doors. The bastard seemed to have read Harry's mind and made a break for it, and what amazed Harry the most was the speed in which Ivan fled with. For a big guy with all that muscle he was pretty fast.

With an obsessive baby sister like Natalya, you had better be fast.

Now for Plan B, which, if he really thought about it had a fifty percent chance of getting him out of there or possibly married before lunch time.

Decisions, decisions.

Well, he didn't really like the odds of Plan B, which would have required the use of Harry promising a "I'm not ready right now but maybe in a few years when we're older," seemed a little too dangerous to use.

So he would stand his ground, Plan C. Scarier then A but most likely not to end with wedding bells like B.

"I-i-i-i," Way to stand your ground. Very Gryffindor of you to stutter and shake like a little girl, he thought as he continued to speak with a broken voice. "-am very sorry to say but I don't think-"

"I do not accept that." Natalya finally spoke. Her intense iridescent eyes glimmered violet and blue and so intense were they, that Harry could not look away.

And Malfoy, from across the room laughed all the harder and had actually begun to beat the table with his hand at the loud "eep" that came from Harry's mouth. Gillian Beilschmidt, his housemate, joined in the laughter.

Why did this terrifying beautiful femme fatal have the ability to make Harry sound like a terrified prepubescent girl?

"Excuse me?"

"I do not accept your refusal. It is obvious that you find me attractive." Well yes but Harry wasn't going to mention that, besides, a majority of the male population in Hogwarts found Natalya just as attractive as she was terrifying. "And of course, I find you very attractive in all aspects, of course not just physically. You will make a fine husband."

"Yes, well you see I'm not-"

"And," She continued, blatantly ignoring him. "there is are other girls you are attracted to, other then Chang and she seems to be too preoccupied with Antonio to even notice your obsession with her."

"Now that's just uncalled for you hypocri-"

"And, there is the fact that no matter what you say, no matter what you do, we shall be žanaty."

He wasn't sure if she was behind him at first, the sounds of his own feet hitting the stone floor, the sound of his own harsh breathing was all he could hear. Well, that and the sounds of Malfoy, the entire Slytherin table and Feliks Łukasiewicz's laughter.

That is, until:

"Zamužam žanaty zamužam!"

"GO AWAY!"

Later that day, at supper time Harry would receive a letter from his father asking him to visit during the holiday break;

'...son, I have so much planned for us. Your mum and I talked it over and we've decided that it would be best to get you used to the idea of having two fathers. I know Severus can be terrifying but try for me, I need help winning him over. Last week the cheeky bastard hexed me via floo connection. I was not even remotely aware one could do that. The flirt!'

Harry groaned. Trust his father to think whatever physically damaging blow Snape sent his way was Snape's declaration of love. If the Professor didn't kill his father before the year was out Harry would be incredibly surprised.

Incredibly, unbelievably surprised.

He read on;

'You mother tells me that you have met a girl and apparently it is serious.'

Very serious, Natalya is a bona fide insane possibly homicidal maniac, Harry thought quite amused.

'...so I hope you don't mind that I have taken the liberty of inviting her and her siblings over for the holiday's as well. I cannot wait to meet your future bride.
-Your proud and loving father James'

Harry passed out into his porridge. His father...was an idiot and Harry was going to be married before he even graduated. Just perfect.

Muse: Harry heavy for a reason also, I've had this idea of Natalya stalking Harry into marriage in my head forever, ask the awesome Black. Rose. Authoress, its all in the messages. The funny part about this chapter is that it had to be rewritten completely. There was a power shortage in the house and everything went off including the original chapter which was completely different. It started out similar to the beginning of this chapter but half way it cut to a cat fight, Lavender Brown and Feliks having a bitch fit, all told through Harry's POV obviously. It ended with Natalya just randomly appearing. I like this one better though. But the cat fight will happen soon. This chapter was pretty much filler anyway, I just wanted to write Natalya and Harry with a bit of the weirdest pairing ever. Snape and James...weird so so weird but its funny to imagine James blindly chasing someone and usually in fics he's being an idiot and getting cursed by Lily now its Snape in this version.

I probably should have pointed out in the beginning that this was AU huh? But it's gotta be obvious by now.

For those of you who wanted a Lovi chapter, with her dealing with Antonio and Cho and her feelings of them going to the yule ball, its coming up soon I'm just having a lot of trouble with it.

Also, if you're thinking "What the hell was Draco's deal, glaring at a cereal box?" that will hilariously be explained later.

Review please!