The Bad Touch Trio & The Goblet of Hilarity

Revenge of the Hufflepuff results in accidental marriage!

~.~.~.~

-Draco Malfoy could't tell you how it happened. He could barely remember how it had all began but then this isn't too hard to believe considering the fact that Gillian Beilschmidt was intimately involved.

And when Gillian did anything Draco was quick to get things over with.

Draco reasoned that there was no possible way out of this...whatever it was. He sighed, deeply disturbed by the fact that he was becoming used to pranks, used to mischief. If his father could see him now he would surely disinherit him. He pushed those thoughts away. He shook his head. He had to keep his wits about him, he needed to be alert-

"Damn it all."

-Because Draco could not remember how he had gotten into the Forbidden Forest with a literal army of Badgers. He assumed that Gillian had dragged him there in his sleep to be the most likely cause. She constantly did things like that, but why badgers? Of all things?

He glanced at the short blue/gray eyed boy from Hufflepuff with a mixture of annoyance and curiosity. He'd heard of this boy before, the teachers all seemed weary of him but to Draco, he seemed pretty harmless.

"What is this about, Kennedy?" Draco asked, ignoring Gillian's cooing as she held, in her hand, a tiny badger baby. Kennedy shuffled his feet in embarrassment.

"It's obvious that this is a prank." He said. "I need you both to help me."

"I see." He said. "Can I ask you how you managed to get a hold of a fleet of wild badger?"

"I know a guy." Kennedy simply said.

Gillian snuggled the baby badger before placing him back with the litter of babies and turned her attention to the boys. She placed her pale hands at her hips and smirked.

"Coco," she addressed Draco who was far too used to the nick name by now to complain. "do you still have that paper I gave to you this morning, the one I said to keep safe and out of sight?"

Draco nodded.

"I do," he extracted the parchment from his pocket. "I still don't see what is so important about it. Seems a bit...ordinary to me." He handed her the parchment. "What are you planning to do with this?"

"I'm planning awesome things. First off to help Leon over here and second...I'm just really curious. I wanna see how this thing works." Gillian took out her wand and waved it over the paper. Her eyes gleamed with excitement. "Mischief Managed!"

"...oh, so...it's a map?" Draco observed as the map took its form and tiny little footsteps decorated the pages. Ah, he thought, Bonnefoy is in Weasley's bed...why am I not surprised. "Where does the Hufflepuff army come in?"

It was Kennedy's turn to smile almost demonically. His eyes hardened as he looked at the map, staring at Bonnefoy's name, so close that it nearly overlapped Weasley's.

"We're just having some nice old fashioned revenge."

~.~.~.~

Harry was asleep and for the first time in weeks his dreams did not involve his stalker/fiance from hell. He was actually dreaming about DaDa. He was the professor, he was a wonderful instructor and his students adored him. He was married to a normal woman who didn't terrify him-

-Harry felt a sudden weight on his chest. Not too heavy maybe a few pounds more then he would have liked. He furrowed his eyebrows thinking. Should he open his eyes? Should he just pretend there was nothing there and ignore the weight in lieu of sleep? It was impossible to ignore, this weight, as it shifted slightly at his chest. Were those claws?

He opened one glittering green eye, closed it then opened it again this time accompanied with the other. His large eyebrows rose to his hairline and his mouth opened to scream but was cut off by the sudden shout of terror by Neville Longbottom.

Harry stared into the beady black eyes of the gray and black badger that stared right back at him. From his peripheral he could see Dean climbing the bed posts, nearly slipping.

And Seamus...that bastard...he was sleeping. How was he sleeping with badgers in his back, watching him?

He turned his head, slowly, to get a look at Ron and Francis. He could have laughed at what he saw. Ron had fallen over and was foaming at the mouth while beside him...

And Harry did let out a laugh at the pile of hissing badgers attacking Francis Bonnefoy, but of course the laughter was short lived due to the hissing at his ear and the shouts of the rest of perhaps Gryffindor house waking up to find themselves heavy with Badger.

Good lord.

"Someone save me..." Harry whispered as more badgers joined the first on his chest all hissing and brandishing their little claws. "Save me..." He was terrified, struck in silent terror as the beady eyes glimmered down at him. He made a silent prayer.

When Harry had given up all hope the door burst opened. Hope renewed, he smiled up at the door and then promptly fainted at the sight of his savior.

...in this case he would have preferred the rabid badgers with their tiny helmets and shields (did he forget to mention that?)

"Liubasny," Natalaya nearly cooed at him. She kicked a badgers in her path towards the pile attacking Francis and stalked towards Harry's bed. "I have come to save you."

She leaned forward and pushed off some of the offending rodents. Her eyes gleamed at Harry's prone body. She smiled darkly as she heaved his body over her shoulder and trudged towards the door. The shouts of terror and snores filled her ears as she slammed the door shut behind her.

"Let's get zamužam žanaty zamužam." She said darkly.

~.~.~.~

"Oh! Mail!"

"Bloody hell! Potter, how the Merlin's name did you get into my private chambers?" Severus Snape gaped at the man in front of him.

James Potter was dressed in muggle flannel pajama bottoms and nothing else. Severus's eye twitched. The bastard must have assumed he looked good. Which he did not. He thought as the half naked idiot plucked the letter from the owl's beak.

"The regular way?" James answered in question after a beat. He took a seat on the end of Severus' bed.

"It was Potter Proof!"

"But not Lily Proof," James grinned. "how else do you think I managed to get inside?"

"Some childhood friend she is...the tart." Severus shrugged out of his robes. He shrugged his shoulders feeling weary. He'd only wanted to go to bed, he'd only wanted to relax and pretend that he was not the professor to prepubescent fools.

So why was the Lord of Fools sitting at the end of his bed?

And was he...bouncing?

"Oh! Oh Sev!" James shouted. The gleeful tone told Severus that he was not going to like whatever it was that had the fool so excited.

He rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, unbuttoned the first two buttons at his collar and took a seat on the chair beside his bed. He ignored Potter's bouncing and excited noises for a moment before granting the fool his attention.

"What is it, Potter?"

"Harry!" James smiled brightly, brilliantly enough that Severus thought he may go blind. "He's getting married!"

"What?"

"Harry's fiance has sent a letter! They're on their way to the ministry to elope..." James turned back to the letter. "yadda yadda yadda sapraŭdnaje kachannie...yadda yadda yadda will wait for the dzieci after graduation. Dzieci Severus...dzieci! I have no idea what that word means but I'm so excited! My boy! Married!"

"I think...though I may be wrong but I doubt it, that the Belarusian girl has kidnaped your son, intends to marry him against his will. However, on the up side of things at least she has the decency to wait until after graduation to have children."

"...grand babies!"

Potter's eyes positively glittered at the thought of grand children. Never mind the fact that his only son had been kidnaped and probably married off against his will by a sociopath. Never mind the fact that Potter JR was only fourteen years old. Lily must be in a riot over this, especially if she had also been sent a letter. Poor Lily!

Severus smiled at the thought. Revenge, oh how sweet it was.

"Oh Sev, we'll be grand daddies!"

"Pardon?"

And that was when Severus noticed the luggage at the door. Oh...oh God no! Potter had moved himself into Severus private chambers? He looked at Potter who had begun ranting about baby names, Severus felt his blood pressure rise.

Severus palm now met with his forehead, very familiar with the motion. His head flew back, his eyes misted, he became dizzy. He shut his eyes, oh the stupidity in the air, oh this had to be a dream he thought. He opened his eyes, spotted Potter, closed them again and corrected himself. A nightmare, this was a nightmare.

"Sev...?"

"What?" Severus roared.

"...why is there a badger with battle armor on the pillow?"

Severus didn't have an answer merely he pressed his palms against his tired eyes...and groaned as the badger hissed.

~.~.~.~

...this was a quick update so it's probably awful. I haven't had any time to update at all, real life has been kicking my butt! It turned pretty James/Sev heavy but that was merely for the hilarity. And how did Gilly and company manage to get all the badgers inside the Gryff common room without anyone in the castle noticing? Hmmm...

Also, soon a Lovi/Tonio/Cho chapter will be up...it's just been rather difficult to write. Lovi why are you so hard to write!

Review please!