Harry Potter and the Goblet of Hilarity

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`~.~.~.`

He was tired of it. Really really tired of the glares and growls. He was tired of the howlers every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He was tired of the death threats during transfiguration and potions and what he was most tired of was being used as a human shield or thrown down the stairs or across the hall as a means of an easy getaway.

Toris Lorinaitis was just plain tired of Harry Potter.

How many times must one apologize before they are forgiven? It had happened so long ago that Toris was not even sure what it was that he had exactly done. Here and there, snippets of the accident would come about in his nightmares but when he woke they would be gone. He felt guilty about it, not remembering something that was so horrible that it made Harry Potter, possibly one of the nicest guys in Gryffindor, go red with homicidal rage.

Toris felt really guilty about it.

Well, until days like today in the medical wing. Like clockwork Toris greeted Pomfrey, showed her his latest injuries (this time some singed eyebrows and a nasty footprint across his face) before laying back on what could now be considered his own personal cot.

"Must be tough, da ze," he heard a familiar voice from the cot across him. Yong Soo smiled brightly and waved and Toris had to stifle the laughter that nearly bubbled up at the sight of Yong Soo's missing teeth. "What did Harry do this time?"

"He threw me into Natalia during a Quidditch game."

"Ouch, da ze. Harry really likes to throw revenge at you!"

"Yes, though I suppose it was a bit more of a safety mechanism than revenge at this point. He pulled me right out of the stands and threw me one armed, through the air right into Natalia's broom. She was not even part of the game! I'm shocked to be alive."

"Tough, da ze." Yong Soo said before smirking. "By the way, did you know that safety mechanism's originated in Korea?"

"...so anyway, Yong Soo, why are you here?"

The Korean boy tilted his head just so in thought. Was he confused as to why he was in the medical wing? Toris thought that maybe this time Draco had hit him with something very big and very heavy. It wouldn't be the first time, he thought amused, Draco had long ago forgone hexes in lieu of just violently pelting whatever hard and heavy object he could find at Yong Soo.

"Well there was a rumble in the great hall. A vicious and epic battle and rather unfortunately, one I walked right in to..."

And so, Toris lay back against the plush pillow and readied himself for a rather long and possibly boring story of how Yong Soo lost his two front teeth.

.~.~.

Draco Malfoy ran clear across the great hall, ducked under the Weasley Twins linked arms and jumped over the Gryffindor table in his haste to get as far away as possible from Yong Soo this Friday, the worse Friday ever to befall any Friday of all time. Also known the Anniversary of the Day Yong Soo decided that Draco Malfoy would one day become his wife.

His wife? How dare he?

Gillian's trickling laughter (or grating guffaw) over the whole situation did not help ease the ire that bubbled up to the surface of Draco's mind although it did prove to distract Yong Soo enough for Draco to make his escape and definitely for enough time for Leon Kennedy to cast a jelly-legs jinx at the Korean mad man.

Bless him, Draco thought, bless that tiny little Hufflepuff sod!

Draco would have to make sure to get Francis Bonnefoy landed into the hospital wing with some sort of pulsing burning boils as a thank you to Kennedy.

I really should actually, Draco thought as he ran down the length of the table and made a bee line towards the large doors, that is exactly what I will do. A nice thank you gift, Bonnefoy with boils on his pretty little face and a swollen tongue. I will get Weasley for good measure-its the least I can do for Kennedy.

In all of his plotting, Draco missed the hushed angered voices from the other side of the large closed doors. He slid them opened, squeezed between the small opening and then shut them securely. Turning around with a smile on his face he was met with the most terrifying glares he had ever received.

And suddenly Yong Soo's overly amorous sexual harassment and chest grabbing didn't seem quite as terrifying.

They looked down on Draco who suddenly felt very very short (he wasn't, not by a long run he was actually quite tall thank your very much) so he cowered just so. The eyes, one set glittering violet and the other piercing green (not at all like Potter's which were always light and warm unlike the piercing Avada Kedavra green he was currently staring into,) pulled a strange sort of anguished squeak from Draco's vocal cords.

Antonio Fernandez Carriedo (or Carriedo Fernandez, Draco always forgot) turned his attention away from Draco first only slightly easing the fear of imminent death. The other gaze hardened on Draco for a fraction of a moment before the owner of the gaze lifted his large cold hand and clasped him on the shoulder.

Draco's internal thoughts at that one terrifying moment are as follows;

Merlin, I am going to die!

I am too young and too privileged and too handsome to die!

Braginski and Fernandez-or-Carriedo-which-ever-comes-before-the-bloody-other, they are going to murder me!

But Draco was not murdered, no, Draco was only asked one question, one terrifying soul destroying question that would haunt him until he died or rather until something else as equally terrifying happened to him which, in the likely case may be soon. One was not left unscathed and without terror when they associated with Gillian Beilschmidt for nothing.

"Draco will be answering this question, da." It was a statement, not the question. Braginski didn't need to ask whether Draco would answer his question because...Draco doubted he would have a choice in the matter with Ivan holding him so securely in place.

Draco let out a squeak which seemed to please Ivan who smiled kindly and nodded.

"Good." Ivan, whose glare had softened the longer he stared at Draco hardened instantly the moment they turned back to Antonio. There was a slight crease at the corner of Ivan's eyes and suddenly there was a tick at his jaw as though he were grinding his teeth.

Antonio looked much the same except his eyes were trained on the cobblestone and his handsome face looked almost void apart from the tick of his jaw, not as broad as Ivan's but equally as tensed.

Suddenly, Draco felt the fear leave him. Something began to dawn on him once he looked at both his upperclassmen. Ivan and Antonio had never been incredibly close bordering on neutral territories, as it were, both were close to the Vargas sisters and from what Gillian told him, both boys didn't interact in order to keep the peace for the girls. And again, it suddenly occurred to Draco that what was going on had very much to do with the Vargas sisters or in fact just the loud and angry one.

This was probably about the other day, Draco thought, that has got to be it. They must be fighting about it.

He doubted that he was wrong.

"Draco," Ivan asked with his soft a melodious voice, the kind that reminded Draco of slick glimmering oil over a smooth surface before someone set it a blaze with a match, sent the boy instantly on edge. It was the calm before the storm, that voice, and it seemed rather then a storm what Draco would witness with his answer may just erupt into a full blown tornado. "Do you think I make Lovina happy?"

Ah, there it was, the question. It seemed simple but it wasn't. No way. Draco would have to think about this very very carefully. If this had been asked by, lets say, Potter inquiring about the happiness he and Granger shared as a way to make a point to Weasley then perhaps Draco would answer quickly without thought and with a scathing comment. He could not afford to answer without thought with these two.

This would take some time and consideration. He did not know Antonio or Ivan all that well and from the snippets from Lovina Vargas to Feliciana who told Gillian which Draco overheard once or twice...well...Draco didn't have a particularly good opinion of either. Lovina constantly complained about Antonio who was now, possibly dating Cho Chang and Gillian herself often moaned about how much Ivan was a cold hearted snake tongue bastard that should die a thousandfold.

So this question itself was difficult because he barely knew the entirety of the situation or those involved.

He took a moment to think about it, letting the fear ebb away as he began to think about the times he had seen the girl with either of the boys alone. She often glared and hit Antonio but there was a softness to it, like light teasing and almost a flirtatious lit to her voice. It had not occurred in a while since Chang had sunk her claws into Antonio which is when Ivan swooped in after the Yule Ball.

With Ivan, that one uncomfortable morning in the great hall when he had caused a din of silence with the girl, Draco could see shock on her face at first and then suddenly a calm washed over her, as though it were perfectly natural to be with the sociopath. Nothing to fear, a gentle smile she accepted his nuzzling and there was a friendliness there an understanding.

All in all Draco came to a conclusion and knew that the moment he said his answer that he had better make some sort of a run.

Because, from observations Draco had made, Antonio had not made Lovina Vargas happy in a while.

"Well, yes. From what I witness I think you make her very happy."

It was instantaneous.

Antonio's fist landed squarely to Ivan's jaw sending the Russian's boys upper half back with a slight jolt. His head snapped back with a sickening crack and his hand, the one that had held Draco there suddenly pushed Draco back hard enough so that he fell hard to the floor. The moment after, Draco realized, why.

Ivan pulled himself quickly after Draco fell, back into a standing position, blood gleaming at the corner of his mouth and a dark bruise already blooming at his jaw. Ivan's fist landed squarely at Antonio's chest, knocking the wind out of him before he could move.

Antonio fell back to the floor hard before Ivan lifted his foot and stomped on his chest. Antonio let out a sickening garbled cry before pulling Ivan's leg and hauling him onto the floor knocking the wind out of him as well. It took them a moment to catch their breath and right as they calmed Antonio sat up only the be punched again, only this time in the face, by Ivan who climbed on top of him, straddling his waist.

They grappled, they wrestled, they bit, they spat and they punched.

Draco wondered why there had been no magic involved at all.

Maybe it felt better for Muggleborns to fight bare knuckle than with magic?

The fighting shifted closer to Draco who, too late realized that Antonio's fist was coming his way after Ivan ducked.

Draco had only ever been hit once, and by Granger of all people. It had hurt quite a bit but the bruise left quickly and the pain had ended soon after the hit turning into a buzzing annoying sting.

Antonio's fist to the face felt like...Draco's skull exploded and all at once every sort of pain he had ever felt came back to him, focusing on his bloody and now broken nose.

"Dios mio, Draco, Lo sient-"

A sudden war cry broke the scuffle apart and soon Ivan and Antonio were overcome by a flurry of wild, shockingly strong fists belonging to one very angry very irritable and very murderous Korean.

~.~.~

"And that's what happened, da ze!" Yong Soo said with a slight whistle. Toris, who had been sure he would fall asleep found himself sitting up quite interested and slightly...perplexed.

"Wait, how did you know that they were fighting about Lovina if you only came out to fight at the very end? Honestly, had it been a mistake when Antonio hit Malfoy in the face, then why did you fight knowing that it had nothing to do with him only that he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

There was a moment of silence before Yong Soo answered with slight embarrassment. He pointed to the two cots, covered by curtains for privacy at either side of him. "Well, they sort of explained after, da ze."

The curtain at Toris right was pushed back revealing a very irritable Draco Malfoy. He had two black eyes (more purple and green than black) and a very bruised and swollen nose. He glared at the Korean and then at Toris.

"Wrong place and the wrong time indeed, although, none of this would have even happened if not for this blistering sodding bloody infuriating fool!" He pointed his now watery glare at the toothless Korean who waved across the aisle. "And those other two idiots, brain dead Neanderthals, all of them!"

"That was quite a mouthful Draco." The curtain to Yong Soo's left was pushed opened slowly to reveal a very bruised and battered Ivan Braginski. Toris heart nearly stopped the moment he had seen him. Had it really been that long since Toris was in his company for the literal spike of terror to run up his spine so quickly? "One would assume that you are saying fighting words to us."

Draco Malfoy rolled his eyes and made a very inappropriate gesture with his hands which caused the person behind the other curtain to let out a very friendly laugh. The curtain was pulled back quickly by a very battered but incredibly amused Antonio who winced once his grin widened enough to reopen his cut fat lip. His left eye was red (burst blood vessel probably) and one of his ears had dried blood. He seemed to be the most battered out of all of them.

Toris realized that Yong Soo came out the most unscathed (the loss of two front teeth due to Ivan accidentally hitting him with the heel of his boot). He took in the information to be thought more about later with horror in the privacy of his dorm.

"Lo siento mucho, amigo." Antonio apologized with a shrug as Draco leveled his gaze at the Ravenclaw. "You have to admit that this was all pretty funny!"

"Which bloody part you prat?"

"Well the part about Yong Soo." Antonio answered. "¿Quién hubiera pensado, Yong Soo ...he actually beat us up!"

Ivan let out a chuckle, not the kind that promised pain later (like the ones Toris had been used to, but the kind that seemed infectious and gentle.

"Da. This is true." He said. "Yong Soo is surprisingly strong."

They joined together in a laugh all accept Draco Malfoy who took a seat on the chair resting beside Toris' bed. He seemed to be confused, Toris thought.

"Why are they laughing," the blonde began to ask seemingly to himself. "if they were moments from killing each other? Muggleborns are so...strange."

Toris had to agree. Of course, he had always been surrounded by Muggleborns himself, one could not be friend with Feliks and not go out to Muggle shopping centers without meeting a befriending a few along the way, like Granger, for example and on unfortunate occasions, Ivan Braginski. Although, Toris had never seen a fight that didn't require magic before. But these muggleborns...they had beaten each other to near pulp and from the story it seemed like they had hated each other.

So why did they seem so friendly now? Had they somehow come to an understanding as they came to blows? Had all the anger been let out the moment blood had been drawn? From the story it seemed like wands had not been drawn or even considered by them for the fight. How...strange.

He voiced his thoughts and Draco agreed.

"Not a duel no, bloody fist-cuffs. They have magic at their disposal and they decide to fight bare handed...bloody mudbloods..." The blond muttered.

The infirmary door slammed opened suddenly ending the bubbling laughter. Yong Soo looked up at caught sight of who Toris was positive was standing in the doorway. The Korean Gryffindor shut his curtain and Toris did the same, of course, this was obvious and none of his business. He heard Draco Malfoy sigh loudly and follow suit. He did not want to become involved.

Lovina Vargas walked across the room toward the two upperclassmen. Both had the nerve to appear shamed and embarrassed as they turned their gazes towards the closed curtain thinking the same exact thing "the traitors!"

The tiny Hufflepuff looked down on both boys with a glare and her tiny hands on his shapely hips with a scowl on her pretty face.

"So, I heard the story," She said with an equally deadly voice. "And I have one thing to say..."

Ivan and Antonio both winced sure that one of them was going to get it. Ivan figured that he might as well get it over with, let Lovina yell and hit him because he wasn't actually her boyfriend in all this farce and of course, she was in love with Antonio. He wasn't supposed to beat up the boy that his friend loves and wants to get even with. He was just supposed to pretend to be Lovina's boyfriend. Somehow everything had gotten so complicated.

"You idiota!"

Ivan lifted his head ready to take a punch with her tiny fists like a man, only...to be shocked silly into seeing Lovina smack Antonio clear across the face. His violet eyes were opened wide and trained on Antonio's shocked expression. He suddenly felt as though he were nosing in on someone else's business and one look from Lovi's wet eyes told him that he should scoot back and close the curtain to give them privacy.

And that is exactly what he did.

Antonio's expression changed from shocked to confused. He looked up at Lovina and instantly felt like holding her. Her small frame shook and her eyes were red and swollen. She had been crying, he realized, crying for a while. How had he not noticed when she walked into the infirmary? Oh, of course he was laughing and plotting to kill her stupid Russian boyfriend thats what. That coward had even closed the curtain to hide. What kind of a man hides from Lovi, he should feel lucky to be hit by Lovina. Antonio always took her abuse like a kiss.

And suddenly he was off kilter as realization dawned on him. He was up and holding her in a second holding tighter as she pushed against his bare shoulders trying not to press on the wrappings over his injured chest.

"You...you HAD your chance stupid! You are not allowed to hit my friend just because someone says he makes me happy! What would Cho think if she heard that story, you bastard!" She shouted.

His arms slid downward and he took a step back.

Wait.

Wait...

What?

"Why does Cho have to know anything? Its none of her business."

And the moment it came out of his mouth Lovina Vargas, who didn't particularly hit hard, punched Antonio Fernandez Carriedo (or any other variation of the name) squarely in the face causing him to black out instantly.

"Dannato idiota! Of course she should know?"

As Lovina stomped out of the infirmary four white crisp curtains slowly slid opened. The four boys, two Slytherin's, a Gryffindor and a Ravenclaw, stared at the prone body that lay bleeding at the nose, on the cold tiled ground.

"She hits really hard, da ze." Yong Soo said in amazement.

"Not really." Ivan said while poking Antonio's side with his wand. "A woman scorned is very strong and Antonio is such a pig."

Draco nodded in agreement.

"Not that I care for Chang but really, he's dating her, gets into a fight with a bloke over a different girl and then has the stones to actually tell the other girl that his own girlfriend doesn't need to know about it-well not in those words but that was the basic statement."

"No it wasn't, da ze." Yong Soo said.

"What?"

"Cho Chang isn't dating Antonio." Toris answered.

"They're friends, obviously, da ze."

"Oh...well this was entirely pointless then." Draco said quietly after an awkward moment.

Ivan sat silently with a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

How would he tell Lovina about this? None of their charade had been needed, all of the time pretending and goading had been for nothing. He suddenly felt anxious. She would not take this well at all.

"Well," he said, "this is going to be hard to explain, da?"

.~.~.

Muse:

Well, don't you all just love misunderstandings? If you're confused I say venture to chapter one after the Cedric Pansy bit where Cho basically tells Tonio to go to the Yule Ball with her that it will give Lovi incentive.

Well not so much incentive as revenge and poor Ivan gets dragged into it. But gotta give credit where credit is due, Ivan did a helluva job with getting Tonio jealous. "Do I make her happy" indeed. Poor Draco got caught at the wrong place wrong time (as per usual) and now you learn about the Yong Soo bit-it will be explained in hilarious detail.

And for those of you who think I was picking on a particular character or are going to be upset because well the entire situation is unfair to the boys and maybe Lovi should have been more honest or maybe Tonio should have just tried harder or even, he should have gone stag to the Yule instead of going with Cho. I'm not being unfair. I'm kinda hoping to hear your thoughts on this sticky situation. Tonio shouldn't have gone with Cho and wouldn't had she not talked him into it. Lovi should have caved and said yes to him in the first place. Tonio should have just stayed persistent. Ivan should have never agreed to pretending to be her boyfriend. Feliks should have minded his business (yeah, right, like that was really going to happen!) Lots of stuff to consider. What are your thoughts?

What'd you think of the fighting scene? I did my best I really did, I just kinda laughed it up as I wrote it because that fight was just so...brutal.

Anyone a little annoyed that I didn't explain why Harry hates Toris? Yeah, I was going to come up with some elaborate thing or rather I know what happened and I was going to let the story out but...I just couldn't yet. I will say this, lucky for Harry they eventually grew back and the crippling fear of butterfly's will go away...eventually. Be ready to read Toris abuse because I'm bringing back some Harry/Natalia stuff which means Toris will be there as the human shield (the poor bugger.)

Did they get married?

Well you'll just have to wait for the upload.

Reviews please I love love those and it makes it so much easier to update! No flames, I'll just use those to roast marshmallows!