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if you bothered looking at that number...hold the alt button and press F4 because you don't belong here
ROLL v-v/) :
ALONG THE STREETS OF SUNSHINE AND LOLLYPOP
Naruto was lazily walking around the streets with the author
they were in a heated argument about what to do next in the story when naruto sensed a stare
"g'luck" and the author shunshined out of the screenplay
"hmm…I think it's time" naruto also shunsined away
a few meters away in a dango shop sat the two cloaked, mysterious figures that no one knew….NO ONE
"keh…that gaki sure is fast"
"…not fast enough…I've seen virgins run faster"
"…and you've seen that how?"
"….." the shorter figure stood up and got out with the longer figure following him shortly after paying and thanking the dango-shop owner…which the author thinks that its quite polite and claps for him
THE FLOWER SHOP…its interesting how some people read that as 'DE-flower shop'
"naruto-kun" ino huggle-tackled naruto as he entered in a heartbeat
"hehey" naruto hugged her back
"you been training?
I couldn't even sense you" he grinned and shuffled her hair
"yup" she smiled like a little kid who just got an A+
"well…I brought you a gift ino-chan"
"really?"
naruto took out a three pronged kunai and gave it to her
she frowned at first….but naruto also took out a box of chocolate from his seal and gave it to her
"awww thank you naruto" she kissed his cheek
"I wish I could thank you back…" she pouted
"nah…no need to
I'll make sure you'll pay one day my dear" and he groped her butt cheek before kissing her face cheek and leaving the shop
"oh?
there's a letter on the kunai…"
THE WEAPON SHOP
Naruto got in the shop and saw tenten's father behind the counter
naruto groaned in frustration when tenten's dad told him she's on a mission
he gave him the kunai and a letter plus a box of polishing equipment
HAKU'S HOUSE
Naruto knocked a few times but since there was no answer, he guessed she must be out too
he put the kunai and letter in her mail box plus a plush toy of a white rabbit….author's heart just melted to pudding
"three more to go to"
HOKAGE MANSION
Naruto kicked the door down as always and bustled in to see the three fossils he saw last time and this time, danzo was glaring at the hokage in a dangerous way
"oh naruto
don't mind them, they were just leaving"
and with mumbles, they started leaving
when danzo was about to go past naruto, he grabbed the old man's arm and dangerously whispered
"watch your tongue in front of the hokage you old fossil….you may have control over civilian matters but the hokage's call is absolute" and he let go
"insolent dem-"
"GET OUT" tsunade screamed
and danzo left after a glaring match with naruto
"gawd I love it when I piss those guys off" naruto grinned like the Cheshire
"you and me both gaki
so what made you visit this old hag?" she rubbed her forehead as she sipped from her bottle
"awww come here you" naruto hugged tsunade and massaged her shoulders
"aahhh…this is heaven" she moaned
"okay…kinda getting a hard-on now" naruto backed away
naruto put his three pronged kunai with a letter on her table and also put a box next to it
"…what is this?"
"oh this?
it's a bottle of the finest from the saki country"
"really?" her eyes widened
"yup
bai now" and he disappeared
THE HYUUGA MANSION
Naruto fell in front of the gates and asked for an audience with hiashi
the guards told him he was currently in a meeting with the elders
"so…can I talk to hinata before I meet hiashi-sama?"
"sure"
naruto walked around the mansion…lost clearly
'dude…a little help?'
'SNIFFFFF…I SMELL….TWO virgins?
there is one right in front of you and one on the door to your right'
naruto reached for the door and as he opened it, a figure jumped at him….and hugged him
"happy birthday father"
"…" naruto, clearly creeped out by being called a father tapped the figure's shoulder
as the figure let go, the little girl turned red when she noticed it wasn't her dad she hugged
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU PERVERT?"
"…well thanks for the complement but WHAT?
YOU JUMPED ME LITTLE GIRL"
the author struggles with pedobear
(please let me have her)
(NEVER)
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I JUMPED YOU?
YOU'RE…you're…I HATE YOU" she ran inside her room and almost broke the door when she closed it with force
"…who was that?..."
"hanabi" a stern voice we all love came from behind
"oh hiashi-sama" naruto quickly bowed
"i-"
"I know…I saw it happen
is there a reason you saved me from that meeting?"
"yes
I wanted to see hinata…her condition-"
"is all better thanks to tsunade-sama"
"okay….that's good to hear
can you give her this?"
naruto gave hiashi the kunai, a letter and a plush toy of a fox
"…mm…cute"
naruto stepped back
"what did you just say?"
"I said-"
"don't say that word…ever…again"
"why not?"
naruto just glared at the stern man
"is neji around?"
"on a mission"
"then I must leave quickly before I get raped"
and naruto disappeared
"hmm…"
hiashi reached for her daughter's door and opened it
"no surprise hug for daddy?"
hanabi hugged her daddy and cried out loud
"daddy…sniff…a boy tried to rape me"
author facepalms
pedobear uses chance and runs for the girl
"JYUUKEN"
hiashi hits pedobear with a gentle fist and knocks him out
author confused at how a bear has freaking tenketsu points
THE GOOD OL RAMEN SHOP
"one bowl of pork meat old man"
"coming up"
"hello naruto-kun" ayame waved from behind the counter
"hey ayame-chan
I have a gift for you" naruto smiled
"really?" she grinned
naruto gave him the kunai with its letter and a piece of paper
"what is this?"
"a new recipie for making ramen
can you learn and make it for me?" he used the puppy eyes jutsu
"awww of course naruto"
"ramen's ready boy" teuchi put the bowl in front of naruto
after a few minutes of naruto, slowly savoring his ramen, jiraya appeared
"ready boy?"
"…" and they both disappeared before ayame could ask what was going on
KONOHA GATES
Naruto and jiraya walked towards the gate, a fuming tsunade already waiting for them
"ah shit…if she beats me up again…I don't think I'll survive"
'shit that was tough'
'you should talk moron…HOW COULD YOU GET CAUGHT?'
'I already apologized man'
"naruto…jiraya…what is the meaning of this?"
"…ummm…you see hime…naruto will explain"
author facepalmed
"thanks a lot…GODFATHER"
author rips his stomach out with his yamato in shame
"you see…think of it as…a vacation for me kaa-chan"
tsunade's angry demeanor was destroyed when naruto said the magic words
"naruto…i.."
"can see me whenever you want right?" naruto smiled
"can you please not leave the village for my sake?"
"…I'm sorry" naruto's head fell in defeat
tsunade hugged and kinda suffocated naruto
it was kinda hard for naruto to breathe with tsunade's breasts in his face
jiraya's fist cracked in anger and author adjusted his glasses
(…moe) author wipes drool
"take care of my boy okay jiraya?" tsunade ordered as she let go
"sure….sure I will" jiraya smiled…
"take care of yourself okay naruto?"
"I will I will…see ya anytime you want" naruto waved as he left the gates
FORESTS OF KONOHA – A FEW MILES AWAY FROM KONOHA
"naruto…where do you want me to escort you?"
"hmm…huh?" naruto was spacing out until jiraya called him
"you said you wanted me to take you somewhere
well…where is it?"
"oh that…here should be just fine"
"huh?"
naruto turned on his heels and drew his blade
"I needed your help with these guys…their chakra signatures are waaaay too much for me to handle"
the red-cloud cloak figures with wide hats that covered their faces came out of the woods and approached them
"the akatsuki…"
"the what?"
"…I see you have heard of us" the shorter one stated"
"well I have my fans and spy networks"
"what the?...WHO ARE YOU?" naruto shouted
as they took off their hats, naruto identified both of them
"both S rank missing nin huh?"
'bro…this might be a little too hard for us'
'a little?
are you fucking with me right now?'
'well…'
'THAT BLUE SKIN GUY'S CHAKRA IS ABOUT AS MUCH AS A BIJUU'S AND THAT'S THE INFAMOUS ITACHI UCHIHA'
'YEAH dude I know you didn't have ta shout at me'
"naruto…I'll take on the uchiha
you have a sword so take care of the swordsman"
"shitty plan ero-sennin…let's do this"
naruto rushed at the swordsman and if his sword wasn't pumped full of chakra, the swordsman's swing would've broke it
"FUCKAAAH" naruto jumped back
"DO YOU KNOW WHOSE SWORD THIS IS?"
"kihihi…do you know whose sword THIS is?" he took the bandages off his broadsword to show that it had a mouth at the top of the sword and sharp black spikes all around it
"I don't but….i've seen enough hentai to know where this is going"
'AWWW YEAAAH'
"DAMN YOU BRAT
THIS IS THE LAST MIZUKAGE'S BLADE"
"so?
this…" naruto filled his sword with demonic chakra and it got set on fire
"is masamune…blade of the GREATEST NINJA THAT EVER SET FOOT ON THIS PLANET" naruto attacked the swordsman with his blazing katana and with each clash of their blades, the flames settled a little
"dammit…what's going on?"
"gigigigigi" the voice came out of the blade
'…ask him if his sword just had an orgasm'
"dude…did your sword just have an orgasm?"
"DAMN YOU, YOU INSOLENT BRAT" and he started going through handseals
"fuckah…" naruto released all his seals and ran at the blue man
"water style…WATER SHARK JUTSU"
as the man swinged his blade, three shark shaped water balls flew at naruto
"WHAT THE FU-" naruto was hit in the face, gut and chest by each water ball
'this is getting serious naruto…he created water from the humidity in the air…only hokage level ninjas like your village's nidaime were able to do such a thing'
'fuck this…i…CANNOT LOSE'
naruto got up and summoned his chakra cloak
'kihihi…don't you know that the more chakra you use, the more my blade will feed on it?
naruto held his arm up and a fox's head appeared on it
"LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS MOTHAFUCKAAAH"
naruto shot a sphere of fire the size of a soccer ball at him
"keh…that's it?" kisame slashed at the fireball with his sword and to his surprise, it engulfed him in a column of fire
"GRAAAAAA"
"hehe…WHAT?" naruto shouted as the water clone evaporated
"not bad…that wasn't a fireball was it?"
"grrr…"
JIRAYA AND ITACHI'S BATTLE
Jiraya was a mess
he had kunai on his arms and thigh and was raggedly breathing
itachi on the other hand didn't seemed to have moved at all
'dammit…I can't look him in the eye or I will fall into his genjutsu…I can't track him by his feet either…we need to leave'
jiraya summoned a toad and whispered in his ear
"tell pa to summon me and naruto over"
"croak"
"…have you forgotten me?" itachi appeared behind jiraya and kicked him in the side
"keh…this isn't over….NARUTO"
WITH NARUTO AND BLUE MICK JAGGER (author's forehead bleeds)
Naruto had bruises all over him and was frustrated to no end
'DAMMIT…'
"NARUTO"
naruto looked at jiraya and a second later, everything went black
FEW HOURS LATER in which the author tries to make the grumpy cat smile…and fails
'oh naru-kuuun'
'just a few more minutes love'
'GET YO FFFFUKIN ASS UP BITCH'
"GYAAAAH" naruto jumped and hit his head in the ceiling
"yeow…dafuq?"
naruto looked around in the new environment he was in and noticed he was in a hut with a single bed
he got out to find himself in Disneyland….yes I'm kidding I wouldn't torture the poor soul like that!
"finally decided to get up gaki?" jiraya's all too familiar voice and tone made naruto grumble curses
"just tell me what happened"
"well…I had pa reverse summon us over to my home"
'reverse summon eh?...sounds like a useful little thing to have'
"c'mon
let's go meet my parents"
naruto followed jiraya and couldn't help but notice frogs all around him
some were normal size, some were as big as naruto….than there were some the size of a mountain
"here we are" jiraya knocked on a very small hut's door
"maaaa
paaaa
come out and meet my faggot-ish pupil"
naruto reached for his shuriken but the door opened and two small but clearly old frogs came out
one with a goatee beard and one with….something on its head
author fails to understand if it's a hat or a wig
"wait…you're a frog and you have a fucking beard?"
"problem with that brat?"
"now now you two
come inside and join us for lunch" the other frog kindly invited
naruto and jiraya crouched and went into the hut
"bon apetite"
she put two bowls of fat juicy insects in front of naruto and jiraya
jiraya dug in and naruto just stared
"I knew you weren't human
to top it off, your mom and dad were frogs"
"shuff uf hahi"
jiraya got hit in the head with a mace from the mother
"no talking with your mouth full dear"
naruto grimaced at the blood fountain on jiraya's head
"oh?
you don't like my cooking?" she dragged her mace on the ground and naruto got the message
NEXT DAY
jiraya,his dad and naruto arrived at a vast plane with grass everywhere and blue sky inviting them to a nap
'hmm…not a bad place to film soft-cores if I do say so myself' kyuubi adjusts his glasses
naruto was in a white shirt and blue baggy shorts and he, for once, looked innocent, childish and fourteen
pedobear appears behind author's chair
"okay gaki
first thing we do today is physical training
than-"
"we can skip the basics paa
he's good enough"
"okay….we'll show you some useful techniques and train you harder...but for now….sage mode it is"
"sage mode?"
"jiraya…please demonstrate"
jiraya sat down indian style and concentrated
a few minutes later and his features began changing
the red line under his eyes got longer
his nose also got bigger and his eyes had a yellow horizontal line in them
"shit…and I thought you looked bad before
you look like kyuubi when we go to women's bath and it's full of old hags"
kyuubi clawed the iron bars of his seal dangerously
"GAKI" jiraya roared
"watch it naruto
he's twice as much powerful so he might just lose control and kill you
but yes you're right…he doesn't have the sage mode completely down and still has some froggy features on his face
"so…can you catch a fly with your tongue now ero-sennin?"
"GAKIIIIIIIIIIIIII" jiraya punched naruto and to his surprise, it hurt like hell
naruto felt his insides squirm in pain
"FUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAH"
the elderly frog rubbed his eyes and croaked
"what sin did I commit?...
naruto…I understand you have the fox sealed inside you correct?"
"cough…yeah…so?"
"well…if your tenketsu are too combined than you can't draw natural energy to yourself and turn into a sage"
naruto turned to stone
'relax gaki…I have a plan
he didn't say we can't draw DEMON chakra'
'hehehe…'
"I have a favor to ask ero-sennin"
"at least ask it with respect brat"
"I'm gonna do something with the seal but…I need you to back me up if it fails"
jiraya thought about it for a few minutes
"hmm…if you die…it will be quite a merit…ALLRIGHT"
naruto went back into his mindscape
NARUTO'S MINDSCAPE
Naruto appeared behind the bars and high-fived his mentor
"sup bro?"
"the usual…ready?"
"fuck this" naruto put his hand on the seal
"WAIT…you know that if you release me…you will have my chakra in you but your power will most likely be halved right?"
"so?"
"why are you doing this?"
"….when i kick ass….i don't want them to go saying I did it with the demon's help
and I also don't want the akatsuki to get you through me"
naruto and kyuubi fell silent….until naruto fucked the seal up!
"FUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
both of them screamed in pain and fell down
SIX PAINFUL MONTHS LATER FOR BOTH NARUTO AND JIRAYA
After six months of physical training, naruto was now back to the status he used to be but a bit stronger
the group were at home playing poker with the author
Author lost to naruto and jiraya in poker
now author must eat a bowl of maa's centipedes
"do I have to?"
"YES"
"I double that motion" kyuubi patted author's back
kyuubi was in a black vest with nothing under it and showed off his muscles
he also had black combat pants and behind his vest was a fox insignia
he had red slitted eyes and black hair
and some scars on his face showed his experiences through time
"…." Author adjusts his glasses
"here's the steamed centipedes you wanted dear"
"ah shit"
naruto suddenly tensed
"…moe?" author's head turned
"eat that shit first faggot
I'll go after you're done" naruto grinned
"gah…" author puts a centipede in his mouth
centipede suddenly comes to life and squirms in author's mouth!
"HOLY SHIT MAA
YOU DIDN'T MAKE SURE THEY'RE DEAD?" jiraya screamed and grabbed his stomach in pain from laughter
"OH MY GOD I'M NEVER FORGETTING THIS MOMENT" and kyuubi took a snapshot with his lumix camera
author spits the centipede and shows kyuubi his magic finger
"last….fucking time…I appear in this froggy arc"
"now…HIRAISHIN" naruto disappeared
HOKAGE MANSION
Naruto appeared in tsunade's office, his sword drawn and ready for battle
but all he saw was tsunade sitting comfortably in her chair with sakura and kakashi in the room
"…" naruto sheathed his sword and strapped it to his back
a second later, jiraya appeared with his paa on his shoulder
he noticed the situation too and turned to tsunade
"what is the meaning of this tsunade?
we were in the middle of torturing someone"
(ACHOOO)
(bless you)
(thanks pedo)
(blesh u)
(thanks dolan)
"it's about sasuke"
sakura began shaking and kakashi looked at the floor
"let me guess" naruto started speaking
"he left the village for power and you guys need our help?"
tsunade rubbed her temples, knowing what's coming
"naruto…please" sakura began crying
"you called me over to ask me about the rank you want to give him as a nuke-nin right tsunade?" naruto turned to tsunade with a smile of hope
kakashi stepped forward and tried to lecture the blonde
"naruto…he's your teammate and-"
"NOO
YOU can call me a trash for abandoning my teammate or whatever but NO way in hell am I going after that dipshit
he left of his own will so it's only right by your own laws that you must brand him a traitor
anything else…and it's called playing favorites"
jiraya was startled by this
"no need to blow the roof gaki" paa groaned
naruto rubbed his eyes
"can we please go hom-"
sakura hugged naruto from behind
"please naruto…you're the only one who can bring him back…sniff…please…I'm begging you"
the room fell deadly silent except for sakura's cries and sounds of her tears falling to the floor
"really making me look like the bad guy here…..fine…I'll do my best"
"thank you naruto
you may leave us now sakura" kakashi ordered and patted naruto's shoulder
"I knew you wouldn't let us down"
"I said I'll do my best…it's not like I'll put my life on the line for it"
"that suffices good enough for me" and kakashi disappeared in a blur
"so…do tell me what you've been doing these past six months naruto"
"ahh the usual…jiraya will explain
I need to go gear up"
NARUTO'S HOUSE
Naruto entered his room and he got hit with a brick wall of nostalgia
he remembered his precious flowers and how hard it was for him to plant them in the jungle
he also remembered all the good times he and kyuubi had goofed around
all in all, it brought a smile to his face
"damn…I'd go see the girls but…I told them in my letter that I won't be back till I'm twenty…which would be another six years…..oh gawd" naruto laid back on his couch
WITH THE HOKAGE
"okay…do you think this team is good enough jiraya?"
"meh…don't really care"
"….oh joy goody" tsunade facepalmed
"hehehe…now that we're alone now…"
jiraya creeped behind tsunade and slipped his hands into her jacket
"sigh…this isn't the time jiraya"
"oh come on"
tsunade almost broke his wrists when she gripped them
"OWOWOWOWOW"
Author's anatidaephobia sickness spikes up
(I sense…ducks in my story)
WITH NARUTO
Naruto felt the all too familiar spike from tsunade's kunai again
"about time"
naruto was in his black-combat gear and had a mask on his face that covered his obvious whisker marks
HOKAGE'S OFFICE
naruto came through the door for once and surprised tsunade to death
but she got the message when he saw naruto with his mask on
"everyone…he will assist you in your mission to find sasuke"
naruto looked around the room and knew everyone in his team
it was neji,chouji of all people,shikamaru and kiba
naruto nodded at the godaime and leaned on the wall
"well…any questions?"
"yes hokage-sama" shikamaru raised his hand
"who is this guy?
and what are his attributes?"
"he's-"
"my name is derp" author shoves his yamato into his stomach
"I'm good at wind jutsus and average at fire jutsus"
"and physically?"
"….average"
tsuande and jiraya glanced at each other
'dafuq gaki?'
"dafuq kinda name is derp?" kiba asked and akamaru yelped
"very well…everyone be at the gate in two hours"
FIRST HOUR
Naruto went to his training field and again, was hit by nostalgia
he remembered his trainings with kurama
the first time he summoned him in a clone
he clearly remembered how one time he tried to grow too many tentacles so he could be a hentai monster and got blown away
he laughed at the times he fell in the cold river
"damn…I hate this place"
SECOND HOUR
He walked through the streets of konoha and this time, people only looked at him in confusion since he had a mask on and no head-band with a sign of any villages
he walked past ino's place, the dango shop where zabuza was arguing with anko about something stupid
the weapon shop, the ramen shop…and as he was heading for the gates, he saw haku with a boy
he had long black hair with blue eyes but not as light as naruto's and wore chuunin outfit
for a moment he felt like his chest weighed a ton as they went past him and didn't notice him…until he had the evilest plan yet come to his mind
he carefully got in a sweet sweet position on the roofs and took many many pictures of haku laughing with his boyfriend with his canon camera
"guhuhuhu…shit…I haven't peeked in six months!...aww man…I don't have time to do it now either"
THE GATES
Naruto arrived at the gates as everyone was waiting for him and saw one person he didn't want to
sakura
'HOLY…..MOTHER OF ALL FAGGOTS…FUCKING….SHIT'
naruto facepalmed
'she's so gonna ruin my cover'
"not to worry boy" tsunade patted his shoulder and naruto took a breath of relief
naruto watched as tsunade went over and sakura went away a few minutes later
"okay team, this will be…"
naruto didn't bother listening and just looked at shikamaru's crappy drawing
he was in the right wing of the formation
"derp…are you listening?" neji asked sternly
naruto just nodded
"shouldn't you ask the caveman if he understood?" naruto pointed at kiba
"WHAT?
of course I did who do you think I am?"
everyone just glared at him
kiba sighed in defeat
"fine…all I know is I'm at the front of the formation"
"…good enough" shikamaru sighed
"let's move"
firstly i'd like to thank all the reviewers even if there are some haters but still thanks for reviewing
Finish…..yes..if you've followed my fictions long enough, you know what happens after a build-up
and this month, my first term exams begin so yeah...well...shouldn't matter since i don't seem to have that many fans...just letting y'all know