Chapter 20 dear readers…great promises for this chapter :D
and lemon alert…well…doesn't really deserve to be called lemon with what I have planned
UZUKAGE MANSION – DAY AFTER NARUTO'S 18TH B-DAY
"NARUTO
you won't believe what I just got from shizune" tsunade rushed in without knocking
"ah..yes…gr…I'm listening"
something seemed wrong to tsunade
naruto didn't like sitting behind the chair since it usually meant paperwork
"naruto?"
a blushing tayuya crawled out from behind the table and ran out of the room and put yondaime hokage to shame with her speed
"err…yo?"
tsunade dropped shizune's letter on the table and also ran out the door
'somehow…I don't think she ran out of sadness…anger?'
naruto opened the scroll and read the contents
two minutes passed and nothing happened…three minutes…five…ten…HALF AN HOUR
"FUCKAAAAAAAAAAH"
kurama kicked the door down, showing everyone waiting behind the door…even neji !
"REACT TO THE FUCKING LETTER ALREADY"
neji activated his byakugan and sighed
"it's a clone
the real one is….in his house"
"awww" hanabi dropped her camera and hiashi crushed his kanon 3d hybrid he specially bought for this moment
NARUTO'S HOUSE
Naruto only came here when he was in trouble
like one time he entered the mansion hotspring and found hinata and tsunade bathing…oh yeah…he ran naked all the way across swirl village from the terror that was tsunade
"knock knock" kurama said lazily from the window
"not now fox…"
"..." kurama scratched his chin
"….FUCK
who's there?"
"naruto"
"naruto who?"
"naruto who's gonna go save his dear teammate from the creep that is orochimaru"
"….not funny"
"oh come on
this is your big chance to finally clean your slate in konoha"
"…I don't think I wanna do that"
"THAT, and I won't allow it" derp spoke from the ceiling with his coat hanging
"what?
why not?"
"call me a motherfucker but naruto needs to go to mizugakure…pronto
as in, get-off-your-fucking-in-a-dillema-ass right now and get ready fucker…and I hope you're not already drained since yesterday was your b-day"
"well…actually…I AM bro
as if five wasn't enough last night, a drunk tsunade came in after hinata
and this morning, tayu blew me twice"
"FUCKING SONUVA BITCH
ARE YOU HERE TO GET LAID OR RUN A VILLAGE?…fuck…kura
sorry in advance" derp jumped down
"for what-"
derp's hand glew green as he punched kurama and threw him towards naruto
naruto opened his arms to grab him but to his surprise, he passed through
he looked back but kura wasn't there
he tried looking around the room but no sign of the red haired demon
"where is he?"
"in you…again
oh the irony
anyways
he should help you with the stamina you'll need bro
meet me by the gates in an hour"
KONOHA MANSION – DANZO'S ROOM
"okay everyone
a spy of mine from the sound has found the location of orochimaru's hideout
I've already sent out a team but since I've lost contact, I'm sending you
do NOT fail me"
yamato,kakashi,sai,sakura, ino, tenten and haku bowed and disappeared
SOUND-LEAF BORDER
"fuck me
that took longer than expected huh?" hidan laughed to himself
"shut up faggot" sasori's tail wavered in the air
"sigh…what are you? Kids?" itachi facepalmed
the group known as akatsuki stood before a clearing covered with blood and slashed and burnt body-parts of twenty root anbu members
"derp-sama will be pleased…moe" deidara chuckled
"you know…I liked it more when you said 'hmm' at the end" kisame groaned
"derp-sama likes the word and I fell in love with the art of the word so now, I'm using it too
problem?"
"go fuck yourselves
I'm outta here" itachi jumped away
"seriously…get a life bitches" zetsu sank into the ground
"see ya later cock suckers" pain and his clones said in unison and all of akatsuki scattered
SWIRL GATES
'mhm…I see…thank you ko-chan
I'll bring your reward with me when I come back'
'can't wait derp-sama' she cheerfully giggled in derp's head
"yo" naruto's words cut derp's trail of thought and also his communication with konan
"took ya long enough
let's move…oh and…don't freak out when you see the mizukage"
"how come?"
"she's almost a replica of your mom…except a few differences with her hairstyle
red-head, nice tits, nicer ass, sexy voice
it's all top notch"
naruto glared at his companion
"I mean…top notch as in…completely look-alikes"
"SHODAIME-SAMA" a crowd appeared behind the gates
"DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO ?" derp screamed in anger
THE GRUESOME SCENE…for some who are not geniuses
"hmm…these are excellent cuts…almost as if a flaming scythe tore through silk" yamato murmured to himself
sai was drawing erotic manga as always with kakashi SAGELY advising him on the details and the girls were digging graves for their fallen allies
"how long has It been again?"
"ah don't start again ino-chan"
"why not haku?"
"c'mon, I miss him too but…"
'naruto…' sakura's thoughts drifted away
FLASHBACK
It was the day after naruto was banished and sakura entered her room
"hmm?
who left this here?"
she opened the box and found a strange three pronged kunai with a letter next to it
'yo
it's me, naruto
I know you hate my guts but…if you ever needed me, as in
a life or death situation
throw this and I'll be there in a flash…literally
best of wishes
THE GREATEST NINJA THAT EVER WALKED THE EARTH'
she giggled at the large and crappy font at the end
SIX MONTHS LATER – KONOHA BORDERS
Sakura was running madly from a group of bandits
she had ran out of shuriken and kunai and the chakra she used to run was depleting
"GOTCHA"
and before she knew it, a club hit her in the stomach and threw her back
she heard the disgusting laughter of men approaching him…closer and closer
sakura began crying
'this is it…I'm gonna get raped to death and get sold cheaply as a slave…sasuke-kun…kakashi-sensei…where are you…'
and as the group of twisted and sick bastards drew closer and closer on sakura, it hit her
naruto's kunai !
she reached into her pocket and threw the kunai, not caring where it went
"heh…mis-"
"ISSEN"
a male voice shouted and a fountain of blood replaced the club-bandit's head
"yo
I'm glad you took my advice" naruto grinned as he slashed his blade and cleaned the blood on it
"naruto…"
"GET THE FAGGOT"
'oh HELL NO-'
"YOU DID NOT JUST CALL ME A MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT" naruto roared with all his might
he started channeling chakra to his body and easily crushed any enemy's bones with a single punch
'wow…he's beating them down like they're just rag-dolls' sakura thought to herself as if she wasn't about to get raped to death a few minutes ago
a few minutes passed and naruto finished his work with the bandits
"fucking dipshits….calling me faggot" naruto whispered and cursed to himself
he cleaned the blood off his knuckles with a tissue paper as he walked towards sakura
'wow…is it me or does naruto suddenly look hot?'
"need a hand?" naruto held out his hand
sakura was too shocked to do shit
"…err…hand's getting kinda stiff"
"Oh sorry" sakura used naruto's hand to pull himself off and mentally kicked herself for acting like an idiot
"you okay?"
"yeah
my stomach hurts a lot though"
"let's see…"
naruto pulled her dress up without a care in the world and sakura turned red
"yeow…nasty…cure-able but nasty"
naruto put his hand on her scar from the club and sakura moaned
'is it me or…has she run out of bitch-hormones?'
he channeled chakra into his palm and it glowed green
"h-healing chakra!
but how?"
"meh…does it matter?" naruto concentrated on the wound and didn't really feel comfy talking with someone who hated him for no reason
the next few AWKWARD minutes passed silently as sakura's wound disappeared and her belly took it's slim and perfect tone
"done
you know the way back home so-"
"WAIT" sakura grabbed naruto's sleeve
'ahh shit'
naruto was sucker for begging girls and almost gave in to tayuya for a blowjob…lucky for him, tsunade came to the rescue
"c-can you…train me?"
"now why would I do that?" naruto pulled his sleeve free and began walking away
sakura on the other hand wasn't going to give up
she began walking behind him
THREE HOURS OF WALKING LATER
"FUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?"
"train me"
"get lost"
"TRAIN ME"
"NEVER
I wouldn't train you even if you promised to give me your virginity"
"..well…it's…a price I'm willing to pay…for t-training" she looked down, blushing
'…think naruto
would you really want to LITERALLY fuck her back for mistreating you for so long?'
TWO POINT THIRY SIX SECONDS LATER
"fine"
"YAY" she hugged naruto
even the author gets creeped out, let alone naruto
"whoah" naruto pushed her away
"I didn't say I'll start NOW
go back to konoha for now
I'll tell you what to do when the time is right
and don't bother throwing that kunai around again because it's the last time I'm coming for you"
THREE MONTHS LATER
Sakura sat on her bed and kept throwing the kunai at the wall, took it out and threw it back again
"do you know how fucking annoying it is to have a buzzing sound in your head for three hours?"
naruto spoke from behind the window
"awww
I knew you'd come for me" she grinned
'shit…she's changed a lot
no sign of the fan bitch I knew'
"go see shizune
I can't stay in konoha for more than a minute"
"shizune?
I thought she left with tsunade"
"yeah…might wanna go ask teuchi and ayame about that
chao"
FLASHBACK END
"hehehe" ino giggled
"you can stop fondling my breasts now ino"
"aww but it's so fun when you blackout about whatever it is you think of and can't even noticed you're being molested"
"all done team?" kakashi spoke with a red face
"guh…what is this team?" haku facepalmed
pakkun poofed into existence near kakashi's feet
"I found one of them chief
one mile northeast of you guys
might wanna be careful though"
"alright, thanks pakkun
get ready team"
MIZUKAGE'S ROOM
"so I was trying to convince derp that raikage's actual name is A as in fucking A in A B C, and he was like-"
Naruto, derp and terumi were chatting about the raikage's name but derp's head turned to the window and cut naruto's trail of speech
"something wrong ?"
"…I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disappear on you uzukage-sama, mizukage-sama
toodles"
VOOSH
'shit…that only happens when he uses it for long distance transportations…I wonder…'
"umm…a little help?" mizukage had fallen from the shockwave of the transportation jutsu
'kid…'
"sure" naruto held her hand and pulled her into his arms
"OH…uzukage-sama…we shouldn't-"
"oh shuddup"
naruto nibbled on her neck and whispered into her ear
"I know how you look at me when derp talks about the village and how you blush when I catch you staring"
"..no…I didn't st-"
she was cut off by a pair of lips that locked with her's
'oh god…he feels so warm'
she tore naruto's shirt away and squeezed any part of naruto's body that came into her hand
'MY GOD…it feels soooo good'
'call me a motherfucker but is she having an orgasm from touching your man-packs?'
'oh I'll give her an orgasm…wait till she meets not-so-mini-naruto'
naruto put her on the table and started tearing away her clothes as did she to him
she kissed naruto's neck
and the chest came after
and his belly button
when she undid her pant buttons and got facepalmed with a nine-inch cock…she knew she was in for it
'fuck me…the smell…it's driving me MAD'
'shit bro…she's sucking like her life depended on it'
'oh no need to thank my aphrodisiac toxins'
'…you need to teach me that…'
A RICE SHOP IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
Kakuzu was chomping down his rice and fish until he sensed a spike over his head
"derp-sama…what do I owe this honor-"
derp stomped kakuzu's face in the ground with his foot as he fell from the ceiling
"WHAT THE FUCK….did I tell you about hiding your filthy scent you little shit?"
he took his foot off to let him breath and noticed everyone staring at him
"what?
you live in a world where humans can breathe fire with their chakra
what's so weird about this?"
everyone thought about it for a moment…and it made sense!
"I'm sorry
I wasn't expect-"
"shuddup…fuck…" he walked out of the rice shop
"…oh well
can I have another bowl of rice and fish?"
A FEW HUNDRED METERS AWAY
Derp looked at the rice shop
"hmm…it's not that wide…well
it'll have to do since I can sense them coming already"
he took out a scroll from his coat and threw it on the ground
as the scroll unfolded itself, a small pillar of orange light with a hexagon on it rose out of the scroll
and at the same time, a giant orange hexagon seal appeared over the rice shop with curses and symbols all over it
"heed me O great powers of darkness
in the name of your god, lend me your power" derp continued his speech and his right hand started turning black with scorch marks on it, as if it had lava running through it
"CRUSHING DEVIL FIST"
derp punched through the hexagon on the pillar of light and his hand sinked into it
a few seconds passed…
BOOM
WITH KAKASHI'S TEAM
'holy shit…was that a spike?'
it sure as hell didn't feel like one since he and his team paused to catch their breaths
"sweet mother of god…" yamato was panting
BACK TO DERP
From the hexagon over the rice shop, a fist was sticking out, much like what derp's hand looked like a second ago, only big as a giant mansion at the least
"hooh…" he took his arm out of the light beam and the giant arm was also drawn back into it's seal
a few seconds passed and so did the light beam…the floating symbol…and the freaking rice shop
"as cool as it looks…it's a real drain" he adjusted his glasses
VOOSH
MIZUKAGE'S ROOM
"sorry for…oh" derp looked at the scenery before him
scratches all over the tables, couches EVEN the walls and an unconscious naked red-head with a panting blonde putting his pants on
"seriously…how long did she last?"
"two gallons which would be six times at least…and she didn't want me to take it out of her
her stomach bulged out like a pregnant lady by the end of it"
"yeah I kinda noticed from the white river flowing out of her ass dude
damn…she must've really been a real strict-bitch as a mizukage
lucky for her, you appeared to fuck the stress and the shit out of her"
"…I'll take that as a compliment…whoah bro
what happened to your sleeve?"
"hmm?" derp noticed his coat's sleeve was burnt off
'shit…'
"I fisted a succubus?"
"…makes sense
I mean come on
we live in a world where you can breathe fire right?"
"now where have I heard that before?" derp grinned
'yeah bullshit
I didn't trust ya-'
'since the moment you knew about me-'
'and your common use of hiraishin only pissed-'
'us off more'
"but seriously bro…what the fuck are you going to do now?
you've got an unconscious, naked and semen-flowing-out-of-the-ass mizukage on your hands"
"ehehe" naruto scratched his head
"…fuck me" derp lifted her off the ground and teleported to her room
'damn you…how DARE you use my father's jutsu like it's an everyday hobby?'
'keep it cool kiddo
all in good time'
A WEEK LATER – OROCHIMARU'S DEN
"oh?
how nice of sasuke-kun to visit uncle orochi at midnight
what can I do for you?" orochimaru licked his lips and I-write-in-bold-font : SMILED at the young teenager
"well…" sasuke shoved a thunder-charged sword into his head
"you CAN'T do anything even if you wanted to"
orochimaru fell limply on his bed and sasuke walked away
"SASUKEEEEE"
sasuke jumped and evaded a white snake version of orochimaru's bite…lick…combo…attack
"the power of sharingan is…MIIINE"
"hmph" sasuke let orochimaru swallow him whole
FLASHBACK
"remember sasuke
once he swallows you, you enter his ass…literally…if you look back, you can see the inside of his anus
anyway
as he tries to take over your body, use the sharingan to take control and beat him"
"hmph…why are you doing this?"
"cuzz once he's dead, I'm going to take control of sound" derp grinned and adjusted his glasses
FLASHBACK END
Sasuke looked back just to make sure
'oh…mother…of…god'
he saw orochimaru's anus and it appeared to be beating
'oh fuck..i'm gonna throw up'
"like what you see sasuke-kuuun?"
(I'm going to skip the rest dear readers because when sasuke takes over control, orochimaru's ass will melt and he'll die…I don't want to describe it and get into details)
SOUND MANSION
Derp sat on his throne of snakes and smiled at the pile of flesh that WERE the guards
"hmhmhm…iwa…ame…sound…all that's left is konoha"
a knock on the door was heard
"oh
please do come in"
akatsuki minus kakuzu plus tobi entered
"thank you for knocking
it's really irritating when someone just kicks the door down like there's chaos in town"
they all kneeled before him…except tobi
he hugged derp
"derp-onii-sama" he cheerfully fan-screamed
"okay…who voted for him to enter akatsuki again?"
everyone raised their hands
"….i hate you guys…but I like your method of torturing me indirectly"
KONOHA – DANZO'S ROOM
"so…you're telling me…after you sensed the so called MEGA-SPIKE, the rice shop on the map just…whoosh
disappeared?"
"err…yeah?" kakashi closed his book and answered lazily
"…shit"
danzo wasn't exactly in his best mood
the world he knew was splitting apart and he regretted not accepting swirl's offer to join them
almost all of west except mizu was under his supreme reign but he knew it wouldn't take long for him to take that too
"hokage-sama
there's a man called…derp…behind the door, waiting for you
he also has-"
*knock knock*
'hmm…this could be my chance'
"come in"
"sigh…you're supposed to say 'who's there?' motherfucker"
'guh…my stomach hurts again'
*knock knock*
"who's there?"
"power"
"power who?"
BANG
derp kicked the doors open and revealed a group of s-ranked nuke-nins in a crappy power ranger pose
"POWER RANGERS – NINJA FORCE"
"…." Kakashi's team and danzo…even the anbu facepalmed
"what the fuck does that even mean?" itachi regretted joining the pose and was thinking about haragiri
"how the fuck am I supposed to know bro?" he sat down on the couch
"all I know is, I'm here for konoha and I ain't leaving without it"
"tough words for a mis-" danzo felt his lungs tighten
derp was pointing his finger at him
"tch…pathetic…how many sharingan eyes do you have under all those bandages danzo?
do you think that you can escape the consequences?" derp got up and began walking towards him
'shit' kakashi and yamato were about to reach for their pockets but yamato was stopped by a scythe from hidan and tobi pinned kakashi to the wall
"yo
tobi is a good boy"
"…I was saying" derp dropped his finger and oxygen entered danzo's veins again
"I'm here for konoha" he took off his glasses and closed his eyes
"and I AM NOT leaving without it"
derp opened his eyes and revealed a pair of eyes with round circles around the pupil and red tomoe on the lines
the ultimate eye
"h..h-how?
it's imP-"
derp pointed two fingers at danzo and he felt like his inside were on fire
"you see…since you have about…I dunno…TEN sharingan in your body, the pain you fell now should be about five folds of a normal uchiha"
"who..kh…who are you?"
derp pointed all finger at danzo and smiled
"I'M A GOOFY GOOBER" and he clenched his hand in a fist
a small popping sound was heard and everyone could guess what happened
danzo fell to the floor like a puppet
his heart had exploded in its place…literally
"now than…" derp put his glasses back on
"the world is split in half like I wanted it..hmm…I think it's time to let the game begin
but before that, ino, haku, sakura, teuchi and ayame, shizune who's hiding with them and tenten
all of them are banished from konoha…hmm…no wait…gawd
it's so hard being a god-king"
derp sat on the hokage's seat and akatsuki kneeled again
kakashi and yamato were wondering what the fuck just happened and the anbu...he just wanted to go home
"hmm…escort them to swirl…once there, tell them they're banished from konoha HONORABLY and tell naruto to come meet me in konoha"
"HAI" akatsuki disappeared in a blur
which left derp, kakashi and yamato alone
"….so you guys know how to make coffee?"
"err…yeah?"
"and chess?"
"pretty much"
"I was best in my class" yamato raised his hand
"YOU'RE ON MOTHERFUCKER…and kakashi
can you put some ice-cream in my coffee instead of sugar?"
"sigh…yes hokage-sama"
"thanks bro
now
where dafuq did I put my chessboard?"
SWIRL – NARUTO'S ROOM
Naruto laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling
'what now?'
'err…I dunno
but I DO know that you're asking derp to get me the fuck outta here'
naruto sighed
he couldn't wait to figure derp out and find a reason to go against him
'…what the?'
naruto felt his bed vibrate
it wasn't just his bed
the whole room was shaking
'kura?'
'I don't know
It's not a quake
I can't even feel any chakra…wait…what's that next to the window'
"hm?" he noticed black dust-like matter spinning around one point
"fuck me…"
VROOOM
naruto was sucked into a black hole and it disappeared as soon as he was sucked into it
...well...this is pretty much...WHERE YOU ALL BOW DOWN AND BEG FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER XDDDD
just kidding
i'll write six thousand words for the next chapter since...i don't want to give you GENIUSES a cliffhanger