This chapter will be entitled to what happened between akatsuki and derp so…if you wanna skip, go right ahead since it's just explanations and does NYUT have much influence on the main story except the last few lines
AKATSUKI HIDEOUT – AMEGAKURE – AMEKAGE'S ROOM
"I win" itachi showed his hand…royal flush
"FUCK" derp threw his hand on the table
"I'm SO motherfucking glad I killed the motherfucker who invented this game
gawd
dafuq is this?"
"well…you just got bad luck boss" kisame scratched his butt with samehada
"cheer up derp-onii-sama
I even held back for your sake" tobi showed his hand and it was another royal flush
"fuck…is that even possible?
what's your hand sasori?"
"err…."
"no….no…FUCK NO...RAGGED ASS MOTHERFUCKING BITCH RAPING HELL NO…what is it?"
"royal f-"
"FUCK" derp threw the table over and disappeared in a blue blur
"so…I'm just curious but…how did derp-san join the akatsuki?"
everyone snorted and itachi even chuckled !
"whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah WHOAH…. Whoah motherfucker
he DID NOT join akatsuki
he named it, created it, he even fucking designed these kick-ass robes and he individually chose us all"
tobi turned his chair around and everyone sat on the mega-couch in front of him (mega since it was also a massager)
"I'll go first" hidan lit his cigar and coughed
"let's see…"
FLASHBACK – SOME YEARS AGO – FORESTS OF IWA
"hehehe…jashin-sama wants your blood"
hidan had pinned a kunoichi to the tree with his scythe through her chest and she was losing consciousness from blood loss
"now…" hidan ripped her pants off and eventually, her panties
"duck?...hmm…not a bad choice" he threw the panties away and stared at her entrance
"mm…don't stare…it…it's embarrassing"
"oh shut up
you've got a scythe in your chest and you're worried about KH-" hidan's head felt like it was just hit with a million volts by the raikage
"yo"
'RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HIM'
hidan's eyes opened wide as he heard his god, jashin so scared
he barely managed to turn his head around with the pain he felt
there stood a man in blue coat with matching blue pants and a black shirt that said "bad-ass motherfucker"
"hmm…nice hit on the chest there buddy…clean…strong…wanna join my tea-party club?"
"KH…who..who are you?"
"I'm your new god" derp's voice changed as did his eyes
"join me…and I'll grant you, TRUE immortality"
hidan's headache dies away as did the girl
he got on all fours and crawled to derp and kissed his feet
"my god…what shall I call you?"
"derp"
"…DAFUQ?
couldn't you have a cooler name like chuck or some shit?"
derp facepalmed
"it's not my real name JACKASS"
FLASHBACK END
"yep…and that's how I met him….shit…is this really a cigar?"
"nope
that's derp's bloody-mary"
"HOLY SHIT" hidan crushed the marisomething under his foot and opened a window
"okay…my turn" kisame shifted in his place
FLASHBACK – MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN
Kisame sat on the surface of the water and was in a meditating pose
"yo"
he decided to ignore the fucker
"…must be pretty strong to be sitting on a water with such a depth
the name's derp and I'd like to ask you to join my club"
"no"
"oh come on
it'll be so cool
I've alreay got a few people and we're all s-rank nukenin"
kisame put his hand on the ocean surface and grimaced
"…seriously?"
a giant shark the size of a house appeared underwater and swallowed derp whole
"god I love that summon…hm?"
the shark hadn't completely sank back into the water when it's stomach ripped wide open and derp jumped out, holding his yamato unsheated
"that…was my favorite shark MOTHERFUCKER" kisame got up
"tch" derp unleashed his killer intent and chakra with a slash of his blade
"Kphh" kisame felt foam getting ready to come out of his mouth
'what power…it feels like standing next to a god'
as derp sheathed his blade and sealed it, the killer intent and chakra went down and kisame managed to get back on his feet
"pant…pant…I'm so fucking in"
"see?
all's well that ends well…except for your shitty excuse for a fish…see ya" VOOM
"FUCKAAAAAAAAAH"
FLASHBACK END
"and that's pretty much it…gimme that motherfucker" kisame took the bloody mary from samehada and inhaled deeply
"well…mine isn't much" sasori…the red-head one sniffed coke and laughed
"we just had a contest to see who can make a puppet faster and he won"
"bullshit dude
I was there
what he made ATE your bitch-puppet whole" deidara smirked
"wanna share your story mr.i love to pee on little children?" sasori laughed as he pointed at deidara
"I will" derp appeared behind the amekage table
"I brought some presents for Christmas" he took out a bag of white flour from his sleeve seal
"ALL HAIL DERP" akatsuki cheered
"yeah yeah…SNIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
ah fuck yeah that's some nice shizznet
now…deidara sniff"
FLASHBACK – OVER SOME RANDOM VILLAGE I'M MAKING UP AND NAMED IT HIDDEN SHIT VILLAGE
Derp was flying on his clay bird lazily
"hmm…so weird…I'm not feeling artistic at all
all I feel is…piss…hmm
wait….hmmm
shit?...hmmm
nope…just piss"
he stood up and unzipped his pants and did his job
"ah fuck yeah….hmmm"
"UWAAAAAH"
"eh?" he finished and looked down
where he was pissing, stood a little boy…probably five…no way to tell
"yeesh…I was gonna recruit you but…FUCK dude
pissing on kids?" derp spoke on the head of the bird
"how did you get there?
and it's not MY fault
it's in the middle of the forest…hmm"
"what's wrong bab-
oh shit you smell like piss
did you pee yourself again?"
"this is embarrassing
let's get outta here" derp put his hand on deidara's shoulder and VOOM
HIDDEN….err…ANUS VILLAGE (orochimaru's birthplace)
"dang dude
pissing on kids?
not cool"
"OH COME ON
I was feeling down and not so artistic and…what the fuck do you want anyway?"
"I want you to join me motherfucker…but before that…I know you have something like a mouth on your hands and chest to make atomic clay but...here's the thing
do you have one on your ass too?"
BONK
"fuck dude
fine
no need to blow
so you wanna join or what?"
"meh…I dunno..hmm"
"…moe?"
deidara's eyes turned into rasengan balls
"what did you just say?"
"well..you say hmm all the time so I decided to say moe
problem?"
"it's…it's….BEAUTIFUL
it's all of my life gathered in three words
I'm yours to command master…moe"
"actually my name's derp and not moe"
"yes derp-sama….moe"
"okay this is confusing"
FLASHBACK END
"yep…pretty awesome….snifffff"
samehada burped
"don't overdose bro" kisame grinned
"aherm" itachi made his presence known
he pointed at kakuzu's so-called-ashes-in-a-box
"how did onii-sama find kakuzu?"
"yeesh…I caught him in an alley
he was using all his tentacles to try and be a hentai monster and molest a little girl but…meh
I kinda love little girls for personal-life reasons so…I beat the shit out of him before asking him to join me
who's next?"
"only itachi-sama…pain-sama…me and zetsu"
"aren't you guys supposed to be on a mission or some shit?"
"oh come on
just tell us about itachi and we'll go onii-sama"
"fuck….sniff…I was beginning to run out of power-flour so…sniff"
FLASHBACK – NIGHT OF THE UCHIHA MASSACRE
Itachi was tree-jumping along the trees away from his home
eventually….away from konoha
tears were streaming down his face and he couldn't care less about it
"yo"
the whisper cut itachi's trail of thoughts and he halted immediately
"what do you want?"
"I want YOU"
'shit' itachi jumped and the tree he was standing on burned in blazes soon after
"FIRE ROCKET"
'WHAT?' itachi didn't have enough time to think of a plan so all he could do was take the fireball head-on
he crossed his arms in front of his face and crouched
'…nothing?'
"pff…HAHAHAHAHA" derp was holding his stomach from pain
"you should've seen the look on your ass"
'genjutsu?
I couldn't even sense it…heck I couldn't even sense a chakra enter me or surround me'
"you are not human…are you?" itachi drew his bloody sword
"well…" derp got up and scratched his head
"you can't call me human…nor demon…nor angel
call me derp" he held his hand up for a handshake
"I'll just call you DEAD" itachi disappeared
"tch" derp caught itachi's thrust with his bare hand
'what the hell?
he doesn't even care?'
itachi's eyes twitched from frustration as derp smiled
he didn't care a kodachi was sticking through his palm and was an inch away from his eyeball
"my name's derp and not dead itachi-san
and you're the last piece of my puzzle so I would really appreciate it if you joined me without any further resistances"
"and if I say no?"
derp used his other hand to draw the blade out and adjusted his glasses
"I'll just trap your brother in a genjutsu where he sees his clan die all the time
and just when he's about to break mentally…I'll change the genjutsu into a rape-house where he gets raped till he REALLY breaks" derp's smile turned into a grin that put orochimaru to shame
"…" itachi sheathed his blade and gripped the scabbard till his knuckles turned white
"fine"
"see?
all's well that ends well….except for my…hand…"
"…yeah…sorry about that"
"FUCKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAH"
FLASHBACK END
"ouch…onii-sama is really really cruel"
"oh the irony
he killed his clan in a heartbeat and you call me cruel for simple persuasion?"
"you wouldn't understand" itachi looked out the window
'oh but I do
who do you think killed hiruzen's advisor, took his form and agreed that YOU would be the one to kill your OWN family?'
"what about pain and zetsu?"
"meh…can someone get me a coffee?
my throat is sore"
"ice cream or milk?" sasori groaned
"…I changed my mind
hot chocolate with ice cream in it"
FLASHBACK – TIME OF AMEGAKURE'S CIVIL WAR
"nagato…the odds are against us
there's no way we can win"
"he's right nagato
please don't sacrifice all our men just be-"
"SHUT UP" nagato roared with his rinnegan on fire
"we're right at the base of the enemy and you're telling me to stop?"
"yo"
the three looked up and before derp could open his mouth, he was swarmed with papers
"mmmfff"
"phew…I got him"
"good job konan"
"thanks"
"he needs to die" nagato grimaced
"booo" konan stuck her tongue out
"come on bro
no need to be a bummer
cheer her up for crap's sake"
"damn" derp patted konan's shoulder
"that clone must've suffocated by now huh?"
konan, nagato and yahiko disappeared in a poof
"OH REAL MATURE GUYS
THAT'S REAL MATURE" derp ironically spoke to himself
he raised his hand and snapped his finger
his clone exploded and scattered all the papers
"now…" derp caught one of the less-damaged papers
"where are you?" he sniffed it and licked the paper
"kehe…seems I got a good part of your body...now to manipulate it and..."
OUTSIDE THE CAVE
"hmm" konan held back a moan and fell to the ground on her knees
"konan!" yahiko got on his knees
"you okay?"
"he…he's got my-"
"VAGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
nagato's head turned to the cave
'holy-'
before he could re-act, a kick to the face from derp broke his jaw
"DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET OUT OF RINNEGAN'S GENJUTSU WORLD MOTHERFUCKER?"
konan and yahiko tensed
'he did what?'
a few minutes passed and derp stopped stomping nagato's face into the ground…yahiko and konan were scared shitless
"now…why was I here again?
ah
why don't you join my group?...yeesh…why is your tongue sticking out?"
"err…cuzz you kicked him half to death?" yahiko stated the obvious
"….shit"
THREE DAYS LATER
"SO…now that I've healed your sorry ass…wanna join my group?"
"of course i'm not gonna join you" nagato deadpanned derp in three words
"come on bro
I'll even help you with your shitty little campaign"
"kinda hard to accept an offer where you insult the deal eh?"
"fuck…look…even if by some fucking miracle you actually manage to kill hanzo, I'm gonna kill your asses and have ame to myself so save me the trouble and join me"
"nagato?" konan rubbed his bandaged shoulders
nagato got off his bed and punched derp in the face
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?"
"for stomping my face in of course"
"oh…so is that a yes?"
"no"
"FUCK"
"erm…derp-san?"
"what?"
"can I have..m-my…p.."
"say it" derp smiled
"paper back?"
"…..i hate this group" derp dropped the paper and disappeared in blue smokes
DAY OF BATTLE
yahiko's lifeless body lied next to nagato's feet
konan was crying over his lifeless body like there was no tomorrow
"are you happy now?" derp rose out of the ground
"…." Nagato didn't accept the fact
"all you need to do…is join me
and I'll not only crush your enemy right now" he looked at hanzo sitting over his salamander
"I'll show you all the secrets of the rinnegan and how to have your brother back"
"sniff…nagato?"
"…yes
I'll join you
I'll do anything you want
just…do it"
"nike…classic" derp smiled at the camera
"now….where were we?"
derp drew his blade and walked towards the poison master
FLASHBACK END
"woooooooow
onii-sama is so cooooooooool" tobi fan-screamed
"of course I am MOTHERFUCKER…*sip*…that's some good hot chocolate and ice cream…thanks bro"
"don't mention it" sasori shrugged
"and zetsu?"
"…..you don't wanna know"
"sure I do"
"no you don't"
"come on!"
"SHUT UP GAKI
now go to bed"
"…fine"
"guh…I'm too old for this
get out of here already bitches"
akatsuki groaned and cursed derp as they left
"motherfuckers….*sigh*" derp put his feet on the table and looked at the ceiling
"aherm" a feminine voice made her presence known
derp smiled and threw his glasses on the table
"come here you" he got off his seat and kissed konan
she giggled as he groped her ass and kissed her neck
"you're so good with my sensitive spots derp" she cooed into his ear
"you're so fucking dead for whispering into my ear you hot little firecracker"
derp put her on the table and opened her akatsuki cloak and drooled at the sight before him
"hmhmhm…like what you see derp-sama?" she seductively said as she unzipped his pants and stroked his manhood
"I do…I've seen them so many times I've lost count but'm never gonna get tired
now…where were we again?"
"AHHH" konan screamed as derp shoved his monster inside her
"gotcha" derp grinned and kissed her shoulder blades
"sniff…meanie"
"gonna start moving now" derp grabbed her back and slowly began thrusting in and out of her
"faster….faster you stupid faggot…oh…shit"
konan knew derp despised the eff word with his life
he stopped moving which kinda scared her
"d..derp?"
"YOU DID NOT" derp began drilling her and she lost her breath
"JUST CALL ME" with each hit and sound of clash, filling the room, she felt more like dying
"A MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT" her eyes rolled up from pain and pleasure
"GRRR"
"AAAAHHH" she screamed as derp came inside her and some creeped out the sides of her entrance due to lack of room for more life-juice
"gah…damn…how ya like them apples?
told ya I'd bring you your reward…konan…baby?"
too late
she had passed out with a silly look on her face
"yeow…did I overdo it?"
ANOTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD
"fuck me…."
naruto was sucked into the blackhole and It disappeared as soon as he entered it
BACK ON DERP'S SIDE
Derp put konan on her bed and kissed her cheek
"sigh…back to work"
derp was walking back to his commanding room until he felt a buzz in the back of his head
"what the…shit"
he scratched his head
"did I let out too much sperm?
or am i overdosing and i don't know it?"
the buzzing sound increased and derp clutched his head
"grrrr" he clenched his teeth and tried to fight back but lost and fell on his face
"..ar..y..n.." he whispered before he lost consciousness
boom
there
finito
hold your breath for chapter twenty two geniuses